Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  Property Developer (Michael)

  Well here in High Street Epsom, there are ample opportunities for all kinds of redevelopment. As you can see (he indicates old houses) behind me now there are a high level of low density consumer units, still not fully maximising site value. This could be radically improved by a carefully planned programme of demolition. And of course most of the occupants are ... er ... elderly folks, so they wouldn't put up much of a fight.

  Link to next sketch...in TV Series

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  Jockey Interviews

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43

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  The sketch:

  Cut to Epsom racecourse, and a presenter, Brian MacThighbone, up against the paddock rail.

  CAPTION: Live from Epsom

  Brian (Eric)

  Good afternoon. Well in fact there's still a few minutes to go before the main race onthe card this afternoon - the Queen Victoria Handicap. So let's have a quick word with the winner of the last race, one of the season's top jockeys - Ronnie Mau-Mau. (a jockey's cap comes into shot, which is all we ever see of him) Good afternoon, Ronnie.

  First Jockey (Michael)

  Good afternoon, Brian.

  Brian

  (pointing his stick-mike down) A very fine ride there, Ronnie.

  First Jockey

  Well, a fine horse, Brian. You know you can't go wrong.

  Brian

  Do you fancy your chances for the Derby?

  First Jockey

  (vigorously nodding) Oh very definitely, very definitely, indeed, certainly Brian.

  Brian

  Well, let's just see if a colleague of yours agrees with that. Let's just have a quick word with Desmond Willet. Afternoon Des.

  Another different silk hat comes into the bottom of frame. Again all we see is the jockey's cap.

  Second Jockey (Graham)

  (Irish accent) Afternoon, Brian. (he shakes his head) No chance, no chance at all.

  First Jockey

  (nodding vigorously) No, no I think you're wrong there, Des, with the right kind of going, he's going to be in there at the finish, Des.

  Second Jockey

  (shaking vigorously) No chance, there's no chance.

  Brian

  Well in fact I can see last season's top jockey, Johnny Knowles. (two caps move over) Good afternoon, Johnny.

  Pause. Not even a cap is seen.

  Third Jockey (?)

  (faintly) Hello, Brian.

  Brian

  Er, could we have a box for Johnny, please. (a cap comes into sight) Thank you.

  Third Jockey

  Hello, Brian

  Brian

  That's better. Well there you are. Three very well known faces from the racing world. Thanks very much for coming along this afternoon, lads.

  First Jockey, Second Jockey and Third Jockey

  Not at all. (vigorous nodding of caps)

  Brian

  And best wishes for the Derby.

  First Jockey, Second Jockey and Third Jockey

  Ah, thank you Brian, thanks very much. (they leave nodding)

  Brian

  Well in fact I hear they're ready for us now at the start of the main race this afternoon. So let's go right away and join Peter at the start.

  Link to next sketch..

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  Queen Victoria Handicap

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43

  * * *

  The sketch:

  A view of the starting stalls, shot so we cannot see inside.

  CAPTION: 3.15 Queen Victoria Handicap

  Voice Over (Eric)

  Well they're under starter's orders for this very valuable Queen Victoria Handicap. And they're off, (the starting stall doors fly open; out come eight identically dressed Queen Victorias who go bustling off up the field) and Queen Victoria got a clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria. It's Queen Victoria from Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria. It's Queen Victoria making the early running on the inside. And at the back Queen Victoria already a couple of lengths behind the leaders. Queen Victoria has now moved up to challenge Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria losing ground. Queen Victoria tucked in neatly on the stand side with a clear view. Queen Victoria still the back marker as they approach the halfway mark, but making ground now, suddenly past Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria still well placed as they approach the first fence. (a low angle shot as the Queen Victorias appear over the fence and thunder towards the camera) And at the first fence it's Queen Victoria just ahead of Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria falling away in third place. And Queen Victoria in the lead as they ...

  Cu back to the presenter in the studio; he is completely dressed as Queen Victoria, apart from his face.

  Presenter (Michael)

  Well a very exciting race there at Epsom. And now over to the European Cup at Barcelona where the latest news is that Miguel Otana, the burly Real Madrid striker, was sent off for breaking wind in the forty-third minute. He'd already been cautioned for pursing his lips earlier on in the game and now he's off! So let's see a playback of that ... Brian.

  Cut to Brian, dressed the same way.

  Brian (Eric)

  Yes ... er ... well as you can see ... there's Otana now (brief stock shot of football match) ... he gets the ... er ... through ball from Gomez (cut back to Brian) and er ... he makes no attempt to play the ball. He quite deliberately lets off! And to my mind he was within the box and the referee had no option whatsoever but to send him off.

  Cut to the presenter.

  Presenter

  Jimmy?

  We cut to the real Jimmy Hill dressed as Queen Victoria, veil, crown and all.

  Jimmy Hill (Jimmy Hill)

  Good evening.

  Presenter

  What do you make of that?

  Jimmy Hill

  Well the referees really are clamping down these days. Only last week the Belgian captain was sent off for having a Sony radio cassette player. And Gonerelli, the huge Italian defender, was sent off in Turin for having his sitting and dining room knocked through to form an open living area.

  Cut to the presenter.

  Presenter

  Hamlet?

  Cut to Hamlet.

  Hamlet (Terry J.)

  Good evening.

  Cut quickly back to the presenter.

  Presenter

  Well you've got the girl on the bed and her legs up on the mantelpiece ...

  The nurse enters.

  Nurse (Carol)

  Out, out, come on, come on, out ... (she hustles the presenter out of studio)

  Animated sketch.

  CAPTION: Act Five - A Ham In The Castle

  Mix to the theatre set we saw before. All the cast are dressed as Queen Victorias, except for Hamlet and Ophelia.

  First Queen Victoria (?)

  Let four captains bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage. For he was likely had he been put on to have proved most royally ...

  CAPTION: The End

  They come on and take bows. Superimposed Python credits in Shakespearean style and graphics.

  CAPTION:

  Monty Python

  by William Shakespeare

  Dramatis Personae

  Hamlet - Terry Jones

  A bachelor friend of Hamlet's

  Graham Chapman

  Quite a butch friend of Hamlet's but still a bachelor

  Terry Gilliam

  A friend of Hamlet's who, though married, still sees Hamlet occasionally

  Michael Palin

  A very close bachelor friend of Hamlet's who, though above suspicion, does wear rather loud shirts

  Eric Idle

  Another part of the dramatis personae:

  A friend of Hamlet's who loves bachelors - Carol Cleveland

  A J
immy Hill near London - Jimmy Hill

  A bachelor gentleman - Bob E. Raymond

  An Ophelia - Constance Booth

  A loony, but not a bachelor - Sir K. Joseph

  Additional blank verse: J. Cleese (no relation) (of Hamlet's, that is)

  Personae non dramatis but technicalis

  (Some bachelors, some not)

  A meker-upper

  Maggie Weston

  A costume designer and bachelor

  Andrew Rose

  A cameraman of London

  Stan Speel

  A sound recordist of ill repute

  John Blight

  An editor of film who is partly bachelor and partly vegetable with mineral connections

  Bob Dearberg

  A studio sound man

  Mike Jones

  A lighting Scotsman

  Jimmy Purdie

  A visual effector keen on bachelors

  John Horton

  An assistant producer friend of Hamlet's

  Brian Jones

  A designed who prefers married men but knows quite a few bachelors

  Valerie Warrender

  A professional producer and amateur bachelor

  Ian MacNaughton

  A Bachelor Broadcasting Corporation

  BBC Colour.

  Fade out. Fade up on a moor. An explosion has just take place. Out of the smoke a ragged man walks towards the camera.

  Man (Michael)

  And then...

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  Post Box Ceremony

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44

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  The cast:

  SCRAP MAN

  Terry Jones

  G.P.O. OFFICIAL

  Michael Palin

  VOICE OVER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (A street in Ruislip, morning. A scrap can is going damn the street.)

  Scrap Man: Let's bring 'em out! Any old iron! Any old iron!

  (A door opens and a housewife brings out a rather sophisticated-looking ground-to-air missile system, and dumps it on the cart.)

  Scrap Man: Thank you.

  (Another door opens and a couple of rather respectable-looking old ladies bring out two bazookas and assorted shells and put them by the gate. There are further contributions of arms from householders. A GPO van comes up the street, passes the scrap cart and comes to rest up by the camera. There is a pillar box with a cover on it on the pavement, plus a rostrum with PA and bunting. A lord mayor is ushered out of the van by a post office official. The mayor and several ladies sit on the rostrum. Clearing his throat, the GPO official gets up, tests the microphone and starts to speak in a slightly strange voice.)

  GPO Official: We are here today to wimess the opening of a new box to replace the box which used to stand at the corner of Ulverston Road and Sandwood Crescent. Owing to the road-widening programme carried out by the Borough Council, the Ulverston Road box was removed, leaving the wall box in Esher Road as the only box for the Ulverston Road area. This new box will enable the people of the Ulverston Road area to post letters, post-cards and small packages without recourse to the Esher Road box or to the box outside the post office at Turner's Parade which many people used to use, but which has now been discontinued owing to the opening of this box and also the re-organization of box distribution throughout the whole area, which comes into force with the opening of new boxes at the Wyatt Road Post Office in July. (a moment's pause) Nous sommes ici ce matin pour loire témoin à l'ouvermre de la nouvelle boîte pour reinplacer la boîte qui autrefois était placée au coin d'Ulverston Road et Sandwood Crescent. Porte que du projet pour l'égissement de la hie qui fait par le Borough Council, la boîte dam Ulverston Road est remplacée, et la boîte de tour dons Esher Road, est la seule boîte pour le région d'Ulverston Road. Cette boîte nouvelle rendra capables les hommes d'Ulverston Road de merue dons la poste les lettres, les cane-postales, et des petits paquets sans avant besoin de la boîte de tour dons Esher Road, ou les boîtes de la Turner's Parade bureau de poste, qui beaucoup des hommes one fait usage mais qui est maintenant disconfinuée parce que l'ouverture de cette boîte ici, et le réorganisation régionale que commence avec l'ouverture des boîtes au bureau de poste en Wyatt Road le juillet. (a moment's pause) Wir kornmen bier heute Morgen fur die Einfang auf dem neue Kabinett fur die Poste.

  (The first two sentences of the next voice over are laid over the end of the French speech.)

  Voice Over: A perfectly ordinary morning in a perfectly ordinary English suburb. Life goes on aS it has done for years.

  (Cut to a suburban railway station.)

  Voice Over: But soon this quiet pattern of life was to change irrevocably. The commonplace routine of a typical Monday morning would never be the same again, for into this quiet little community came ... Mr Neutron!

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  Mr. Neutron

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44

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  The cast:

  VOICE OVER

  Michael Palin

  MRS. ENTRAIL

  Michael Palin

  MR. NEUTRON

  Graham Chapman

  MR. ENTRAIL

  Terry Jones

  CAPTAIN CARPENTER

  Eric Idle

  COMMANDER

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (A train stops at the station. The train doors open and out steps Mr Neutron. He looks like an Amen'can footballer, with enormous shoulders, tapering to a thin waist. He has very regular features and piercing eyes and is most impressive. He stands at the door of the train for a moment. The words Mr Neutron are written in bold diagonally across his chest. He carries a Sainsbury shopping bag.)

  Voice Over: Mr Neutron! The most dangerous and terrifying man in the world! The man with the strength of an army! The wisdom of all the scholars in history! The man who had the power to destroy the world. (animation of planets in space) Mr Neutron. No one knows what strange and distant planet he came from, or where he was going to!... Wherever he went, terror and destruction were sure to follow.

  (Cut to Neutron's garden. He has three little picnic chairs out and is having tea with Mr and Mrs Entrail, a middle-aged couple. The lady, a little overdressed dominates. Mr Entrail sits there rather sourly.)

  Voice Over: Mr Neutron! The man whose incredible power has made him the most feared man of all time... waits for his moment to destroy this little world utterly!

  Mrs Entrail: Then there's Stanley ... he's our eldest ... he's a biochemist in Sutton. He's married to Shirley...

  Mr Neutron: (in a strange disembodied voice, grammatically correct but poor in intonation) Shirley who used to be the hairdresser?

  Mrs Entrail: Yes, that's right, I think she's a lovely person. (indicates her husband) My husband doesn't ... he thinks she's a bit flash.

  Mr Entrail: I hate 'er! I hate 'er guts.

  Mrs Entrail: And they, of course, they come down most weekends, so you'll be able to meet them then.

  Mr Neutron: l'd ... love .. · to. Hairdressing is very interesting.

  Mrs Entrail: And very important, too. If you don't care for your scalp, you get rabies. Then there's Kenneth, he's our youngest. Mind you, he's a bit of a problem... at least my husband thinks he is, anyway.

  Mr Entrail: Nasty little piece of work, he is, I hate him!

  Mrs Entrail: Mind you, the one we hear so much about nowadays is Karen. She married a Canadian - he's a dentist - they live in Alberta - two lovely children, Gary who's three, Leslie who's six. They look like the spitting image of Karen. D'you want to see a photo ... ?

  Mr Neutron: Oh, yes please.

  Mrs Entrail: All right.

  (She goes to get a photograph.)

  Mr Entrail: They're a couple of little bastards. I hate 'em. They've got eyes like litt
le pigs, just like their mother. She's a disaster ... a really horrible-looking person, she is. I thought that one would stay on the shelf, but along comes this stupid dentist git. He's a real creepy little bastard, he is. I hate 'im.

  Mr Neutron: This is a nice area.

  Mr Entrail: It's like a bloody graveyard. I hate it.

  Mr Neutron: It's handy for the shops and convenient for the West End.

  Mr Entrail: If you like going to the West End. I think it's a stinking dump.

  (Cut to a well-guarded American government building, with the letters 'FEAR' on a board outside.)

  Voice Over: Meanwhile in Washington, at the headquarters of 'FEAR' - the Federal Egg Answering Room - in reality a front name for 'FEEBLE' - the Free World Extra-Earthly Bodies Location and Extermination Centre... all was not well.

  (A high-security operations room - maps, charts. monitor screens. A message comes chattering over the teleprinter. A teleprinter operator rips it out and takes it over to Captain Carpenter who sits at a control desk.)

  Carpenter: Good God! (he grabs a red flashing phone) Get me the Supreme Commander Land, Sea and Air Forces, immediately!

  (Cut to a large room, empty apart from a very large desk with a large American eagle emblem above it. We hear American military music. There is nothing on the desk, except for a very futuristic, dynamic-looking intercom. Behind the desk the supreme commander sits. After a moment, slowly and rather surreptitiously, he sniffs his left armpit inside his jacket. Then, with a quick look around to see that no one is watching, he smells the other armpit. He sits up again, then cups his hand in front of his face to smell his breath. He looks worried still. He reaches down slowly and takes his shoe off. He has just brought it up to his nose when the intercom buzzes loudly and a light flashes. The music stops. He jumps, and quickly takes his shoe off the desk. He presses a switch on the intercom.)