by Monty Python
* * *
The cast:
BRIGADIER
Eric Idle
BISHOP
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a large country house sitting more, dominated by large grinning portrait of Jeremy Thorpe. A bishop is sitting at a desk, typing. A brigadier in full military uniform just to below the chest, then a patch of bare midriff, with belly button showing, then a lavender tutu, incredibly hairy leg, thick amy socks and high heels, is dictating.)
Brigadier: Dear Sir, I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms. Yours sincerely, Brigadier N. F. Marwood-Git (retired). Read that back, will you, Brian.
Bishop: And when he had built up Cedron, he sent Horsemen there, and an host of footmen to the end that issuing out they might make outroads upon the ways of Judea, as the King commanded them...
Brigadier: Good! Pop it in an envelope and bung it off! It's no good bottling these things up, Brian. If you feel them you must say them or you'll just go mad...
Bishop: Oh yes indeed ... as the book of Maccabee said ... as the flea is like unto an oxen, so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist black in thy sight, O Lord!
Brigadier: Quite... Look why don't you just nip out for lunch, Brian...
Bishop: Yea ... as Raymond Chandler said, it was one of those days when Los Angeles felt like a rock-hard fig.
Brigadier: Brian, let's stop this pretending, shall we.
Bishop: Oh... yea... as Dirk Bogarde said in his autobiography...
Brigadier: Brian... let's stop all this futile pretence... I've... I've always been moderately fond of you...
Bishop: Well to be quite frank, Brigadier ... one can't walk so closely with a chap like you for... for so long without... feeling something deep down inside, even if it isn't anything... anything ... very much.
Brigadier: Well, splendid... Brian... er... well I don't suppose there's much we can do, really.
Bishop: Not on television ... no...
Brigadier: No... they ... they are a lot more permissive these days than they used to be...
Bishop: Ah yes... but not with this sort of thing...
Brigadier: No ... I suppose they've ... got to draw the line somewhere...
Bishop: Yes...
Brigadier: Well take a letter, Brian. Dear Sir, I wish to protest...
(Cut to an animation sketch.)
(Continues)
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Appeal on behalf of extremely rich people
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 45
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SIR PRATT
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
Voice Over: and caption: 'THERE NOW FOLLOWS AN APPEAL ON BEHALF OF EXTREMELY RICH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM'
Sir Pratt: (at a large leather-topped desk with an elaborate table lamp) Hello. I'd like to talk to you tonight about a minority group of people who have no mental or physical handicaps and, who, through no fault of their own, have never been deprived, and consequently are forced to live in conditions of extreme luxury. This often ignored minority, is very rarely brought to the attention of the general public. The average man in the street scarcely gives a second thought to these extremely well-off people. He, quite simply, fails to appreciate the pressures vast quantities of money just do not bring. Have you at home, ever had to cope with this problem... (cut to a rich young yachting type surrounded by girls in bikinis) or this... (cut to a rich woman loading her chauffeur with all kinds of expensive parcels) or even this... (cut to a still of Centre Point) I know it's only human to say, 'Oh this will never happen to me', and of course, it won't I'm asking you, please, please, send no contributions, however large, to me.
(We see the last bit on a TV in Mrs What-a-long-name-this-is-hardly- worth-typing-but-never-mind-it-doesn 't-come-up-again 's-living-room. Ding-dong of doorbell. A cupboard door opens, and the middle-aged man we saw in first scene comes out. He has no iguana on his shoulder.)
(continued...)
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The man who finishes other people's sentances
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 45
* * *
The cast:
MRS. LONG NAME
Michael Palin
TV VOICE
Michael Palin
MR. VERNON
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(sketch continues from 'Appeal on behalf of extremely rich people'...............)
Mrs Long Name: All right, I'll go.
TV Voice: There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Liberal Par...
(She turns it off. The TV set just folds up as if empty and collapses on to the floor. Dust rises. She goes into the hallway to the front door (singing 'Anything Goes' by the other Cole Porter to herself) and opens it. A man with a briefcase stands there.)
Mr Vernon: Hello, madam... (comes in)
Mrs Long Name: Ah hello... you must have come about...
Mr Vernon: Finishing the sentences, yes.
Mrs Long Name: Oh... well... perhaps you'd like to...
Mr Vernon: Come through this way... certainly... (they go through into the sitting room) Oh, nice place you've got here.
Mrs Long Name: Yes ... well ... er... we...
Mr Vernon: Like it?
Mrs Long Name: Yes ... yes we certainly...
Mr Vernon: Do... Good! Now then... when did you first start...
Mrs Long Name: ... finding it difficult to...
Mr Vernon: Finish sentences... yes.
Mrs Long Name: Well it's not me, it's my...
Mr Vernon: Husband?
Mrs Long Name: Yes. He...
Mr Vernon: Never lets you finish what you've started.
Mrs Long Name: Quite. I'm beginning to feel...
Mr Vernon: That you'll never finish a sentence again as long as you live.
Mrs Long Name: Exact...
Mr Vernon: ly. It must be awful.
Mrs Long Name: It's driving me...
Mr Vernon: To drink?
Mrs Long Name: No, rou...
Mr Vernon: nd the be...
Mrs Long Name: en.,.
Mr Vernon: d...
Mrs Long Name: Yes...
Mr Vernon: May I..,
Mrs Long Name: Take a seat...
Mr Vernon: Thank you. (he sits) You see, our method is to reassure the patient by recreating normal... er...
Mrs Long Name: Conditions?
Mr Vernon: Yes. Then we try to get them in a position where they suddenly find that they're completing other people's sentences...
Mrs Long Name: (with self-wonder) Themselves!
Mr Vernon: Spot on Mrs...
Mrs Long Name: (hesitantly) Smith?
Mr Vernon: Good! Well, try not to overdo it to...
Mrs Long Name: (with growing confidence) Begin with... ?
Mr Vernon: Good. Just keep it to one or two...
Mrs Long Name: (faster) Words ....
Mr Vernon: To start off with, otherwise you may find that you're...
Mrs Long Name: Taking on too long a sentence and getting completely ... er...
Mr Vernon: Stuck. Good. Yes. Well that's about it...
Mrs Long Name: (completely confident now) for now, so...
Mr Vernon: Thanks very much for calling.
Mrs Long Name: Not at all.
Mr Vernon: And, er...
Mrs Long Name: Just like to say
Mr Vernon: Thank you very much for coming along.
Mrs Long Name: Not at all
Mr Vernon: And good...
Mrs Long Name: Bye, Mr...
Mr Vernon: Vernon.
(Mrs Long Name leaves. Mr Vernon shuts the door. A girl'
s voice comes from sitting room.)
Girl's Voice: Carl?
Mr Vernon: Yes, dear?
Girl's Voice: I've just had another baby.
Mr Vernon: Oh, no! How many's that now?
Girl's Voice: Twelve since lunch... Oh! There's another one!
(Cut to exterior of Mrs Long Name's house. She comes out and sets off purposefully up the road, passing four pepperpot nannies digging up the road. They are wearing the usual slippers, paisley dresses and knotted handkerchief. One wears a helmet. One works a pneumatic drill. She is stripped to the waist wearing a big pink bra. Behind, heroic shots of Mrs Long Name walking out of town, through suburbs, into neat country, then into wilder country. She finally stops in close up, and looks up with inspiration in her eyes.)
* * *
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The Walking Tree of Dahomey (with David Attenborough)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 45
* * *
The cast:
LINKMAN
Michael Palin
ATTENBOROUGH
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a linkman standing before Stonehenge.)
Linkman: This is Stonehenge ... and it's from here we go to Africa.
(Jeremy Thorpe appears at the edge of shot and waves. Cut to as overgrown, jungle like a location as Torquay* can provide. A very big thick tree in the foreground David Attenborough pushes through jungle towards camera. He has damp sweat patches under his arms which grow perceptibly during the scene. He has two African guides in the background both with saxophones round their neck.)
Attenborough: (slapping the side of a tree) Well here it is at last ... the goal of our quest After six months and three days we've caught up with the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, Quercus Nicholas Parsonus, resting here for a moment, on its long journey south. It's almost incredible isn't it, to think that this huge tree has walked over two thousand miles across this inhospitable terrain to stop here, maybe just to take in water before the two thousand miles on to Cape Town, where it lives. It's almost unimaginable, I find - the thought of this mighty tree strolling through Nigeria, perhaps swaggering a little as it crosses the border into Zaire, hopping through the tropical rain forests, trying to find a quiet grove where it could jump around on its own, sprinting up to Zambia for the afternoon, then nipping back ... (a native whispers in his ear) Oh, super ... well, I've just been told that this is not in fact the legendary walking tree of Dahomey, this is one of Africa's many stationary trees, Arborus Barnbet Gaseoignus. In fact we've just missed the walking tree... it left here at eight o'clock this morning... was heading off in that direction... so we'll see if we can go and catch it up. Come on boys.
(They move off. At this point we notice that there are two other saxophone-wearing natives, a trumpeter, a trombonist, a double bassist, a guitarist, and finally a man with a drum kit tied to his back. Mix through to them on the move in another pan of the jungle. Sweat is now spraying out from under Attenborough's armpits as if from a watering can.)
Attenborough: Well, we're still keeping up with it, but it's setting a furious pace. Early this morning we thought we'd spotted it, but it turned out to be an Angolan sauntering tree, Amazellus Robin Ray, out walking with a Gambian Sidling Bush... (Jeremy Thorpe leans in the background and waves to camera) So on we go ... it's going to be difficult - the walking tree can achieve speeds of up to fifty miles an hour, especially when it's in a hurry. (Rupert the bearer points excitedly) Super! Well, Rupert has spotted something ... this could be it... a walking tree on the move ... (they move off, by this time waterspray is gushing out from all over his chest) But, what Rupert had in fact discovered was something very different...
(He stops him, they kneel down. Cut to their eye-line. In the distance, amongst low bushes and thick undergrowth, six Africans dressed immaculately in cricket gear having a game of cricket. Cut to Attenborough, Rupert and one other bearer watching. Attenborough is looking down at something he is holding. The other two are gazing wide-eyed at the cricketers.)
Attenborough: The Turkish Little Rude Plant. (he holds up, carefully and wondrously, a plant which has green outer leaves splayed back to reveal a small, accurately sculpted bum) This remarkably smutty piece of flora was used by the Turks to ram up each other's ... (Rupert nudges him and points excitedly at the batsmen) Ah no! In fact it was something even more interesting... (Attenborough points, apparently at the batsmen, but he has clearly got it wrong again) Yes, there it was, over the other side of the clearing, the legendary Puking Tree of Mozambique... (Rupert nudges him again)
* * *
* Torquay: One of the three towns (Torquay, Paignton, Brixham) which make up Torbay in Devon. The webmaster for Montypythonpages.com is based in Paignton, about five miles from Torquay.
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The Batsmen of the Kalahari / Cricket match (assegais)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 45
* * *
The cast:
VOICE
Michael Palin
FIRST VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
COMMENTATOR
Michael Palin
SECOND VOICE OVER
Michale Palin
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
THIRD VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to an animated professor.)
Voice: No, what they had come across was a tribe lost to man since time immemorial... the legendary Batsmen of the Kalahari... (cut to a shot of natives playing cricket)
1st Voice Over: Primitive customs still survive here as if the march of time had passed them by. But for all the mumbo-jumbo and superstition, the Batsmen of the Kalahari are formidable fighters, as we can see on this rare footage of them in action against Warwickshire.
(Cut to a big county ground pavilion in mid-shot. We zoom in on the commentator on a balcony.)
Commentator: Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140, and then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second wicket stand of nought, which was broken by Odinga in his most hostile mood.
(A compilation of the day's play. Natives in normal cricket gear. Pratt at crease as per usual cricket coverage. Cut to a low shot of the bowler thundering up towards the wicket. Cut away to the batsman preparing to take the shot. Cut back to the bowler. As he reaches the crease he produces a spear and raises it to shoulder height and hurls it. Cut to batsman who is hit full in the stomach. His bat dislodges the bails. There is a 'howzat' from all the native fielders. He makes an annoyed gesture as if he were Colin Cowdrey caught clean bowled, and sinks to the ground.)
CAPTION: 'B. RATT'
2nd Voice Over: Thats B. Pratt, hit wicket - 0. But Pratt and Z. Pratt dug in and took the score to a half... (cut to the new batting partnership; B. Pratt's body is still on the ground) before Z. Pratt ran away. (Z. Pratt reaching the pavilion, running with a hail of spears and arrows coming after him) But out came M.J .K. Pratt... (cut to M.J.K. Pratt coming out pulling on gloves etc.) to play a real captain's innings. (he reaches the crease and takes guard, the bowler bowls) He'd taken his own score up to nought when he mistimed a shot of Bowanga and was lbw. (a huge spear sticks right through the lower part of his leg; they appeal and he turns and limps manfully off)
CAPTION: 'M.J.K. PRATT'
2nd Voice Over: Typical of Umbonga's hostile opening spell was his dismissal of V.E. Pratt, who offered no resistance to this delivery... (cut to native bowler bowling a machete; it hits the ground and does a leg spin up, slicing off the batsman's head as he waves his bat) ... and he was caught behind.
(The batsman's severed head lands in the wicket keeper's gloves. He throws it in the air with a flourish.)
CAPTION: 'V.E. PRATT'
(Jerem
y Thorpe appears and waves. Cut to the presenter from 'World' s Most Awful Family 1974 '.)
Presenter: But by lunch the situation had changed dramatically.
3rd Voice Over: and CAPTION:
'C.U. PRATT KILLED OUTRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA - 0.
P.B.T.R. PRATT LEGS OFF BEFORE WICKET, BOWLED ODINGA - O.
B.B.C.T.V. PRATT ASSEGAI UP JACKSEY, BOWLED UNBOKO - O.
Z. PRATT MACHETE BEFORE WICKET, 'BOWLED UMBONGA - O.
M.J.K. PRATT STUMP THROUGH HEAD, BOWLED UMBONGA - O.
V.E. PRATT RAN AWAY - O.
P.D.A. PRATT RETIRED HURT - O.
W.G. PRATT RETIRED VERY HURT - O.
PRATT DIED OF FRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA - O.
Y.E.T.A.N.O.T.H.E.R. PRATT NOT OUT BUT DREADFULLY HURT- 139.'
(Cut back to the presenter. Behind him the 'Worlds Most Awful Family' sign is crossed out and replaced with'Sport'.)
Presenter: And so with the tension Colossal as we come up to the last ball ... that's all from us.
(Roll credits on black background. The first part of the signature tune is played very hesitantly on guitar.)
PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY
WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY
J. ThORPE (AGE 2)
C. SMITH (AGE 1 1/2)
L. BYERS (AGE O)
UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
LEICESTER NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT)
TERRY GILLIAM
MINNEAPOLIS NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT TWICE)
ERIC IDLE
SOUTH SHIELDS NORTH (LOST DEPOSIT BUT FOUND AN OLD ONE
WHICH HE COULD USE)
TERRY JONES
COLWYN BAY NORTH (SMALL DEPOSIT ON HIS TROUSERS)