“You mean, I’m different,” he said. “Dead.”
“No. I mean, I feel differently for you than I feel for Lucas. I love you like my best friend.”
Derek let out a noise of repulsion.
“Yes, I am attracted to you,” I admitted. “You’re everything I should want in a guy. You’re easygoing where I’m stubborn. You’re sweet where I’m bitter. You’re perfect for me, but . . .”
“But you still don’t want me,” Derek finished for me. His tone was hard as his skin.
Ugh, that sounds so mean. I had to try and fix this. “You were right about me. I did love you for all those years and I just couldn’t let myself go, let myself feel it. But Lucas was the one who awakened me. And now, I’m in love with him, probably too in love. I’ve fallen way too far, and now he’s left me. I think maybe I’m broken again. I feel broken inside.” Tears crept up on me, and I looked away.
I felt Derek move closer to me on the bed. “I can fix it,” he whispered. “I can fix it, Faith. You know I can. If you know how to let go now, just do it with me.”
“No,” I said firmly. “You can’t replace him. Nobody can. My heart is his. All of it. Always.”
“You feel that way now, but you don’t have to love me right away. We could just try. We could go away together. Like you said, we’re perfect for each other.”
He didn’t get it, he didn’t get that I could never love him like I loved Lucas. Those loves were worlds apart. With Derek it was easy, effortless love—comfortable and calm like the sea breeze. But I loved Lucas like a thunderstorm in my soul—powerful, inescapable, all-consuming love. It was like my heart was staunched before him and when we came together, he opened the flood gates. Now I had this rush of everything pouring out of me. Maybe I’d drown in it, maybe I wouldn’t. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I wanted Lucas to be the one I gave myself to. I wanted him to have me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, pleading with him to understand. “I wish I could give you more of myself, but all I have is friendship.” I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “And that’s all I’ll ever have.”
“But he doesn’t even want you anymore,” Derek spat. “He left you. It’s been over a month, when are you gonna get over this guy? It’s getting pathetic, Faith, honestly!”
I recoiled, feeling dryness in my eyes where the tears wanted to form, but couldn’t. The tears were over. Done with.
I launched out of the bed and started shimmying into my jeans.
“What are you doing?” Derek said. “Leaving? Now you’re leaving me?”
I zipped my jeans and swept into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush and other girly crap I stored in there.
Derek was in the doorway, his face a mess of pain and rage. I guess he didn’t know which emotion to feel so he went with both.
“Don’t leave,” he said angrily. “I’m sorry—I just, I thought maybe now we could be together.”
“Ugh! Derek!” I slammed the cabinet shut and brandished my toothbrush at him. “We’re not going to be together, okay? Ever! I was wrong to kiss you. It was a mistake. I’m in love with someone else.”
Derek’s face ripped into a hateful grimace. “So what? If you can’t have Lucas you won’t have anybody, is that it? You’re just gonna go the rest of your life never loving anyone?”
“Maybe!” I yelled and pushed past him. I grabbed my bag full of clothes and headed for the door. Derek stopped me when my hand touched the doorknob.
“Don’t,” he said, ragged. “Please, don’t. . . . You’re all I have.”
I smacked his hand away. “Then you should have thought of that before you told me how pathetic I was. You want me to get over him? Get my own life? Well, watch me!”
I stormed out, leaving Derek in the doorway.
For once in my life, I was the one who did the leaving.
25
THE MISSING
I was officially through with any and all supernatural beings. I was pissed at every one of them regardless of whether or not they had actually done anything to me. I was through being all mopey and weak and pathetic. I was taking my life into my hands and healing my own wounds for a change.
I was strong. I could be alone and not be miserable. I could finish out this god-awful semester and move on with life.
I could.
At least that’s what I told myself while I pored over textbooks, studying like mad before my final exams. It had been a week since I swore off werewolves and vampires and virans and whatever else was out there, and I was doing pretty well thanks to my coping mechanism, which came into play with a vengeance: running. I hadn’t run seriously in a very long time what with all the drama I’d been dealing with. Exhaustion, and guilt, and trying to hold on to Lucas had taken the life out of me. What few meets I’d attended, I’d ended up losing in most or all of my heats. I’d gotten soggy.
But now I ran almost constantly, pushing myself harder than I ever had before. The steady pounding of my feet was the only refuge I had left. It was the only reliable thing I’d ever had in my life and I clung to it.
The downside was that it made me think of Lucas. We’d always run together in the afternoons and, at first, I thought I would never be able to run again without his presence beside me. But the first time I’d stepped onto the ice-hardened field, I imagined he was just behind me—that I was running from him, not with him. And I was unstoppable.
Through exercise and time, the sadness that had enveloped my every thought ebbed and white hot anger took its place. Every word he’d ever said to me turned into a lie. Why had he promised me forever if he didn’t mean it? Had he been trying to hurt me? Was he really the monster he claimed to be?
Sometimes I thought so. Sometimes I was convinced that I hadn’t fallen in love with a boy, but a heartless evil creature—a true werewolf. What else could inflict this kind of pain?
But then the memories of the way he’d look at me after we kissed washed over me like a warm ocean wave. I had felt his love in those kisses, and I knew there had to have been some reason why he’d done this. I pictured his face as he’d told me he wanted to break up—that cold, careless mask of indifference. He’d even choked off his vibe. It was like he didn’t want me to know what he was truly feeling. And the last thing he’d said to me . . . You’ll always have my heart. . . .
So had he really wanted to break up with me?
I could never know. I could only run.
School and track were a good distraction during the day, but at night, when my muscles screamed with fatigue and my brain had had enough of calculus and essays, there was little to keep me from thinking about Lucas. Derek crept in there too, though mostly I was just mad at him. I’d given up so much for him, and he’d thrown it in my face just because I didn’t want to be with him. It was last semester all over again, and I was done with it all.
But I was terribly lonely, despite my try for independence. Ashley wasn’t much company because she was usually out with her friends. We weren’t all that close, which made sense, seeing as I’d hardly spent one night in my room since the beginning of last semester. Needless to say, she didn’t invite me out with her.
With Heather hung up on Pete, drugs, and her new friends, she had veered away from me, hardly even taking the time to talk on the phone with me let alone catch a movie or meet up to study together as we once had. I missed her—the old her—almost as much as I missed Derek and Lucas.
Part of me had gone back to thinking that I was destined to be alone—that my fate was to ruin every relationship I made. But that wasn’t true, at least not totally. I had someone I was meant to be with. I’d had a future with Lucas. Even if it wouldn’t have lasted for eternity, it was my lifetime. My future. And Lucas was supposed to be in it. We were matched. That was supposed to be my destiny, but I’d messed it up. He’d been right to be jealous, I realized. I would have been.
By Saturday I decided I’d had my share of wallowing, and I needed someone to hang out with whe
ther she wanted me around or not. With the murders raging on like an unstoppable wildfire, my nerves and will for independence were worn thin. The town was back on high alert. People rushing into their dorms before dusk, keeping their heads down as they walked determinedly through campus as though the murderer could be any one of us. Professors lectured on the importance of keeping to the curfew and carrying mace around in our purses in case of emergencies.
It seemed that every morning report brought an onslaught of gory details to wash down with my OJ and bagel. Bloodless bodies, unidentified corpses, and a growing body count that flew higher and higher at an alarming rate. And with every murder, my fury with the pack grew. They were supposed to be taking care of this! Or had they simply left us to defend ourselves as Lucas had left me?
Regardless, being alone had now become somewhat nerve-racking. Even staying cooped up in my room was unbearable. Once again, I needed my friend for comfort, only she didn’t seem all too keen on being my friend anymore.
She knew I didn’t approve of her drug use, so she pulled away from me. And for the most part, I’d let her, having been too wrapped up in my own drama to really make an effort. Granted, I’d tried, but it wasn’t nearly good enough. If I was ever going to get her back, I had to get serious about removing the blood bitches from her life. I didn’t make friends often, but when I did, I made them count. Heather was no exception. She was the closest thing I’d ever had to a sister, oddly enough. And now I might have lost her because of my selfishness.
If I could fix nothing else, I had to try and fix this.
So I sat on my bed with the phone ringing in my ear, staring out at the waning sliver of a moon that winked at me through my dorm window. I’d gone through two full moons now without Lucas in my life, and each night I wore the silver necklace he gave me and heard his words replay over and over in my head: I’ll always come back to you.
I sighed wistfully at the moon. Won’t you?
“Hello?” someone said, startling me out of my reverie. It wasn’t Heather’s voice, and for a moment, I thought I’d called the wrong number.
“Who is this?” I asked.
“What, you can’t recognize my voice?”
“No.”
“Give you a hint: I’m beautiful, funny, and always fashionably late. Oh, and my name rhymes with tranny.”
I smiled to myself—my first real smile since Derek and I ended things. “Hey, Danni,” I said. “Why are you answering Heather’s phone?”
“She’s indisposed.”
“You mean too high to realize her phone is ringing?”
“Ding, ding, ding! Twenty points for Faith.”
I sighed. “Why do you let her do that to herself?”
“Babe, I’m not her mommy. She can do whatever she wants.”
I jumped up from my bed, pacing around restlessly. I wanted to get out of my room. “Where are you guys?” I asked.
“Zydeco’s. Heather’s obsessed with the notion that Pete will come back here. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s probably getting it on with his skanky new girlfriend.”
I swallowed, wondering if Danni knew Paula had been dead for weeks.
“We can leave though,” Danni offered. “I’m sick of this cheeseball place.”
I let out a short laugh.
“We haven’t hung out in ages,” Danni went on. “I was about to barge into your dorm room and drag you out if I didn’t hear from you soon.”
“That would have been nice,” I said with complete sincerity.
“Come to my place,” Danni said.
“Your place?”
“Yeah, as in my home? My residence? My place of dwelling? You know, where I keep my bed and my closet full of Jimmy Choo shoes. Don’t be jealous. I’ll let you borrow.”
I was smiling again. Not because of the shoes, but the thought of leaving. And it was a household, which no vampire could enter uninvited, so I wouldn’t be in danger. The curfew would be a pain if I stayed out late, but the police officers usually let us through without a problem once we produced school IDs.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But I don’t have a ride.”
“We’ll pick you up. Ten minutes. Just let me peel Heather off of the bar.”
I groaned. “Don’t let her drive.”
“Yes, mother.” She hung up.
Danni lived in a small apartment complex across from campus. I found it a little odd that she lived so close to a school she didn’t even attend, but decided it was probably because there were people her age around.
Danni, Heather, a couple of the usual blood bitches, and I all congregated in her cramped, yet sparse, living room. An old episode of Californication played on a run-down television, but nobody was really watching. Mostly, everyone conversed steadily, joking around and flirting. I stayed out of the conversation, only feigning laughter when everyone else did. As much as I’d wanted to come and “rescue” Heather from herself, seeing her here among her new buddies only made it all the more clear how much she’d changed in the past months. I barely recognized her with her sallow complexion; stringy, greasy hair; and unfocused eyes. This was not the Heather who wanted to be a school teacher. This was not the Heather who had comforted me about my dad and joked around with me about bad classes and football games.
I missed my friend—and I had no idea how to get her back again.
“Dude, you look like you just saw your hamster die or something,” Danni said in my ear.
I looked over at her and faked a smile. “Sorry. I’m just . . .”
“Going through a break-up. I know. It sucks. But seriously, babe, it’s been over a month. Don’t you think it’s time to get over Fabio?”
The sudden mention of Lucas only plunged another hole in my heart, practically making me gasp.
“I always thought he was a jerk!” Heather suddenly piped up. She ran over and flopped onto the couch beside is. “He was so grumpy.”
Well, yeah. I had to give her that one.
“I had a boyfriend once,” Danni said. “He’d totally flip out at any little thing. We broke up because I burnt his toast one morning, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I chucked the toaster at his head and put him in the hospital.”
“That’s normal,” I said while Heather cracked up with near maniacal laughter.
“Who breaks up over toast?” Heather snickered.
“Me, apparently,” Danni said dryly.
Heather leaned in and said, “Faith—remember that night we all went out to the La Poudre together?”
“Yes.” Wow, that felt like ages ago.
“Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Pete reading—” She dissolved into giggles. “He was reading a romance novel on his Kindle!”
I had to laugh at that.
“What a girl!” Heather shrieked.
I chuckled and looked between the two of them. This was actually kind of fun.
“Okay,” I said. “Lucas used to do this thing every night before bed—he never saw me watching, but whenever he got out of the shower, he’d spend like, twenty minutes just staring at himself in the mirror. It was so bizarre. I think he was looking for wrinkles.”
“Or pimples,” Heather said, guffawing.
We all snickered.
“How self-absorbed can you be?” Danni grumbled. “My last ex used to make me go into the changing room with him when we went shopping. And not to fool around. No. He wanted me to tell him how his ass looked in every pair of pants he tried on.”
“Pete wears tighty-whities because he thinks they make his package look bigger!”
Everyone—including some of the blood bitches who overheard—screeched with laughter.
When we calmed down, Heather ran into Danni’s kitchen to cook some pizza snacks, and I leaned on the couch, sighing. As much as I hated being around these druggies, I had to admit, this was the best time I’d had since ... well, since Valentine’s Day, probably.
Danni, too, had turned out to be less threateni
ng than she was irritatingly funny. I should have hated her for what she’d done to Heather, but—and I totally loathed myself for this—I could actually see why Heather liked her.
Which gave me an idea. Danni was the ringleader here. Heather had made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t going to listen to me, but maybe if Danni stepped in, she’d pay attention.
“Hey, Danni?” I asked. “Do you think you could do me a favor?”
“Sure, babe. Anything for you.” She winked slyly at me.
I leaned in closer so nobody else would hear us talking. “Look,” I said. “I get that you guys are into all—this,” I gestured to the room at large. “But Heather isn’t like this. At least, not the Heather I know. She’s just—I guess she’s still upset about losing Pete and stuff, so she’s using the drugs as an escape. Which I get. But, really do you think this is good for her?”
Danni studied me with those emerald orbs of hers and said, “I’m not fit to judge anybody, man.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to talk to her. Can you do that?”
She wrinkled her nose. “It might sound a little hypocritical coming from me.”
“She’ll listen to you, though.” For some idiotic reason, Heather trusted Danni. I’d seen no evidence of trustworthiness in her, but whatever.
Danni watched the group below us with a calculating expression, before finally saying, “Sure, lady, I’ll talk to her. What can it hurt, right?”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you. But make sure she doesn’t know I asked you to.”
“Why, you two having a fight?”
I shrugged. “Not so much a fight as a rift. I don’t know. . . . We just aren’t as close as we used to be. Most of that is my fault, but I can’t seem to fix it.”
“Well, just call me Dr. Phil. I’ll fix it for you.”
I shook my head at her, fighting off a smile.
“Hey, do you think you could take me home now?” I asked. “Curfew is coming up and ... well, to be honest, this is kind of depressing me.”
“Yeah, watching people get high loses its glamour after a while.”
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