“I don’t know what his reason is for shutting you out. There’s no excuse for it, but sweet girl, be patient with him as long as you can. He’s better with you in his life.”
“Mom?” I stiffened at the sound of his voice.
“Hey, Sam. We were just getting some fresh air. Why don’t you come join us?”
“Actually, I wanted to see if my wife was ready to head home. It’s been a long day.”
Not taking my eyes off Julia, I nodded that I was ready to go home. I rose, leaning over to hug her.
“Thank you, Julia.”
I felt as though I was saying good-bye forever, which I actually was. The thought of it had me choked up.
“I’ll meet you inside, Sam. I’m going to find your gram and say my goodbyes.”
I brushed past him quickly. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to stop me. I found Darren and Gram in the kitchen. I let them know we were leaving and gave them both hugs.
“You take care of yourself, Mrs. Andrews. Thank you for welcoming me into the family with such open arms.”
“Sydney, you sound as if you aren’t coming back.”
“Oh…no,” I stuttered, “I just meant—”
“Ready to go?”
Sam stepped up beside me, taking my hand in his. I flinched at his touch.
“Yes, I’m ready,” I responded dryly.
Pulling my hand from his, I turned toward Gram and gave her one final hug.
“I’ll see you soon, Sydney.”
I didn’t respond, fearing my voice would betray me if I did. I smiled warmly at her, then made my way out of the kitchen and down the long hallway to the front door. Smith was there, holding the door open as I glided through it.
“Have a good evening, Mrs. Andrews.”
“You too, Smith.”
I felt Sam behind me. I always knew when he was near. It was like he was a part of me, so when he wasn’t around, a piece of me seemed to be missing. When he was close, it was as if all parts of me were complete. He didn’t say a word as he led me to his car. He started the engine, the silence in the vehicle deafening. Sam finally spoke after he turned onto the freeway.
“Sydney, will you please look at me?”
I turned my head, glaring at him.
“I’ll take that over the silent treatment any day.” He grinned, trying to add some levity to the moment. It didn’t work.
I turned my head back toward the window. I hated his stupid grin today, even though seeing it made my heart flutter.
“Sydney, I’d like to explain about this morning when we get home. I know my behavior was wrong. I apologize for that.”
“It was more than wrong, Sam. You treated me as if I didn’t exist. Your ex-girlfriend was there this morning, someone you say you have no relationship with, yet you were holed up in your office with her and then treated me like a complete stranger.”
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s complicated. That was the first time I have had a real conversation with her since I found her in bed with Marcus.”
“I don’t really care why you were with her, Sam. It’s none of my business. What I care about is how you treated me.”
“I understand how you feel.”
“Do you? How could you possibly understand how I feel, Sam? You have no idea.”
We arrived at Sam’s house five minutes later. I was relieved when I saw John outside with Bear.
“Everything’s as you asked, Mrs. Andrews.”
“Thank you, John. I’ll take Bear, then.”
John handed me his leash, and Bear barked, thinking we were going for a walk.
“Hush, buddy. C’mon, this way.”
Leading him to my car, which had been pulled around front, I didn’t dare make eye contact with Sam.
“Sydney?”
I took a deep breath, pulled my shoulders back, and turned to face him. This was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.
“I’m leaving, Sam. I can’t do this anymore. You were going to have me leave on Monday, anyway. I thought I’d save us both the trouble and leave now. After this morning, I figured you’d be happy that I’m getting out of your hair.”
The look on his face had my pulse racing. I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I might look like I had it all together on the outside, but inside, I was fractured, barely hanging on by a thread. I turned, leading Bear to the passenger side of my car. After I opened the door, he jumped in without hesitation. I closed the door carefully and walked around the back of my car so that I could make my way to the driver’s side. I didn’t dare make eye contact with Sam. I knew if I did, I’d lose it right there in the driveway.
“Sydney…” His voice was strained. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw him run his hand through his hair.
I paused momentarily, still unable to look at him.
“Is there anything I can say to make you stay?”
“No,” I whispered as I opened the car door. I got in and started the engine. Pulling forward, I kept my eyes on the road, avoiding the rearview mirror. Bear barked out the window toward Sam.
“I know, buddy. I know you’re going to miss him too. I’m sorry.”
I held it together as I made my way off the island and through downtown. It was Saturday, so the traffic was light. I was numb, oblivious to everything around me. My focus was simply on getting home. When I finally arrived, I begin to break. The fractures that had been there earlier were now huge crevices, expanding and splitting me wide open. I fumbled at my front door with my damn keys. Sam was right, keys really were a nuisance. That thought made me lose it. I threw myself on the couch, curled up in a ball, and let the tears come.
I’d been there before, when James left me, but the pain I felt now was beyond compare. Bear lay quietly on the floor next to me. He’d been there before too. He’d seen me turn inward and become a shell of who I really was. Thank God, his love was unconditional. He was the one constant in my life that wouldn’t leave me. The grief washed over me, and the pain ripped me wide open. I let it take control, sinking further into my couch. Knowing I’d be here for the next few days, I settled in, closing my eyes and allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The next few days were a blur. I took Monday off work. I simply didn’t have it in me to be around other people. I knew Emily would see right through me, and I didn’t want to explain everything to her right now. She’d already tried reaching me via text and phone, which I had blatantly ignored. I knew she’d show up at the house if I didn’t respond soon, but I’d do it later when I could gather my thoughts and make the appropriate responses.
I spent all day Monday unpacking my clothes and cleaning the house. There was something about cleaning when you were trying to stave off pain. By five, my house was immaculate. I’d cleaned every nook and cranny, organized every drawer in the kitchen, washed all the sheets, and mopped all the floors. I could eat off the floors if I wanted to, that’s how squeaky clean they were. All the activity had kept my mind off Sam and the pain I felt, but now, I needed to find something to occupy my time for the rest of the night. If I was idle for too long, the tears would flow, and I didn’t want to give in to them right now.
I showered and got ready to head out. When James left me, I’d spent an entire year holed up in my house, watching Netflix and living in my jammies. I vowed to myself I wouldn’t do that again. I’d given myself two days to feel sorry for myself but now, it was time to put my big-girl panties on and get back to living my life. I dressed, wearing heels, jeans, and a comfortable top. I didn’t bother fixing my hair but let it dry naturally, allowing the loose waves to tumble down my back. I had texted Emily earlier and she’d agreed to meet me for a drink. She was my safe place in my otherwise screwed up world. She was the only one I could depend on, the one who would stick by me no matter how messed up I was.
“Hey, Syd.” She smiles and wrapped me in her embrace.
“Hey, Em.” I hugged her back hard.
I laughed, which was totally out of place, but my emotions were so raw right then, I couldn’t control them. “Yes, please. I’ll take an extra dirty martini. That should be a good start.”
She ordered for the both of us before turning her full attention to me.
“So, do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?”
I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before I responded.
“Oh, Em, everything’s a complete mess. I left Sam.”
She narrowed her eyes at me.
“I don’t understand, Syd. You two are so in love, everyone can see it. You tamed the most eligible bachelor in the Bay area. He absolutely adores you. Why would you leave him?”
Because I couldn’t tell her the entire truth, I only gave her half the story.
“I just don’t want to live with the dysfunction of his family. Marcus scares me. He threatened me and my family. He freakin’ kidnapped me and held me hostage. I told Sam if I had to choose between him and the safety of my mom and sister, I would choose them. I chose them. I left after the funeral on Saturday.”
“Damn, Syd. I didn’t realize he threatened your family too. That guy is completely off his rocker. I know you’ve had so much loss over the last few years, I understand why you left, but isn’t there anything else you can do? Don’t you think you guys can work it out? And why does Marcus have a hard-on for you anyway? I don’t understand.”
The question I didn’t want to answer was now hanging in the air between us.
“I’m not sure. I think he wants whatever Sam has. They’ve had a bitter rivalry between them ever since they were kids. Lena, Marcus’ wife, was Sam’s girlfriend years ago. He was going to ask her to marry him. He came home early from work one day and found her in bed with Marcus.”
“No.” She let out a long breath. “Wow. That’s horrible, yet it explains so much about Sam and his infamous bachelorhood.”
“Yes, he vowed to never let his heart get broken again. He doesn’t trust anyone. The walls he has built around his heart are impenetrable. He doesn’t really let anyone too close.”
“But he let you get close, Syd. The change in him was obvious. In my five years of working with him, I have never seen him so taken with someone. Believe me, I’ve seen some of the women he has surrounded himself with. They were nothing to him. With you, he’s different.”
“I don’t think I was any different. It’s better this way. I’ve been here before, Em. I’ll survive.”
“Sydney, you’re my very best friend, so I’m going to shoot it to you straight, because you know that’s how I roll. First of all, you’ve never been here before. You weren’t in love with James. You settled for him and you know it. You fell apart because you realized you wasted years of your life in a loveless relationship. You guys were better off as friends. This is totally different. You are deeply and madly in love with Sam, just as he is with you. Why would you walk away so easily?”
“Because he would have left me eventually.”
It was the truth after all.
“I don’t believe that for a minute.”
“He would have, Em. Trust me.”
I threw back the rest of my martini, letting the alcohol glide down my throat and soothe my aching soul. If I numbed myself enough, I wouldn’t have to feel anything. We ordered another round on the stipulation that we changed the subject. My heart had taken enough of a beating. I needed to shift my focus to something positive. I’d no sooner made this resolution when Emily’s eyes widened as she looked over my shoulder. I turned to see what caught her attention, and that’s when my heart stopped.
“Sam,” I whispered.
“He’s heading straight toward you, Syd.”
My eyes pleaded with her to get me out of any contact with him. I should have known she would betray me.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have to use the restroom.”
She left me sitting at the bar alone.
“Mrs. Andrews, I thought I might find you here.”
I turned slowly toward him, knowing the minute I made eye contact with him, I would crumble.
“What are you doing here?” I tried to sound nonchalant but failed epically. My quivering voice gave me away.
“I was actually looking for my wife.”
“You mean your soon to be ex-wife.”
“Is there somewhere we can talk, please?”
“Sam, I don’t want to do this. We both know our separation was imminent. I left two days earlier than planned, that’s all.”
He sat on the bar stool previously occupied by Emily.
“I guess we’ll do this right here, then.”
He looked tired, I thought as he took my hand in his, rubbing the top of it gently with his thumb. A gesture he knew I loved.
“Sydney, I miss you. I know it’s only been two days, but they have been the longest two days of my life. Everywhere I turn, I see you. You’ve somehow gotten under my skin. I don’t want to live without you. Will you please come home?”
I could feel the tears filling my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them spill over. I was so tired of crying.
“Sam, you said so yourself, you wish you were different, but you’re not. You’re not willing to put yourself out there again and give your whole self to someone. I don’t want an arrangement, Sam. I want a real, authentic relationship. I want happily ever after with one person. You don’t believe that’s possible.”
“I know what I said, Sydney. And it is what I once believed. That was until I met you. You’ve changed the way I feel. You’ve shown me what a true, trusting relationship can be. You’ve changed me. Let me prove it to you.”
“I don’t know. What if you change your mind? What if I’m not enough for you? What if you realize you were wrong and you don’t want happily ever after? I think it’s best if we cut our losses now, instead of later.”
I watched him closely as he ran his hand through his hair. He was flustered, a rare state for Sam Andrews. He was used to being in control and getting what he wanted. Right now, he was neither in control nor getting what he wanted, which had him backed into a corner.
“How can I prove to you that this is what I want? What will it take? I’ll do anything. I don’t want to lose you.”
So much of me wanted to believe him. I wanted to throw myself at him, feel his arms around me, where I felt safe, but I was scared. I was terrified of what I felt for this man and terrified of being rejected by him.
“Sydney, you know me. You know I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t serious. I would have stuck to our arrangement, transferred the money into your account, and left you alone. I’ve managed to do one of those three. I don’t want to leave you alone. I want you with me. I want us. Please, will you give me a chance? No strings attached this time. No business arrangement, no timeline, no money. Just us.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“I know you are. You have every right to be skeptical of me after everything I’ve told you about myself. But I swear to you, I will prove it to you every single day of our lives. I’ve fallen in love with you—” He paused for a moment, his deep-emerald eyes intense as they focused on mine. “I love you, Sydney.”
I had not expected those words to come out of his mouth. My jaw dropped open, as if to say something in return, but I couldn’t seem to find the words. He loved me? Was it possible that the man I was madly in love with actually loved me back? Did I dare trust what he was saying?
“Sydney, say something. Please.”
“I-I…” I stammered like a complete idiot. “I want to believe what you’re saying is true, Sam. But what about the way you behaved toward me on Saturday morning? You turned into someone I didn’t know. I don’t want to go through that again. How can I guarantee you won’t shut me out again?”
“I know. I was wrong and I’m sorry. Lena caught me off guard. She was at the door early that morning, begging for my help with Marcus
. I didn’t want to bring you into the middle of it, knowing how much he has already hurt you. I shouldn’t have shut you out. I was trying to protect you.”
“You have a funny way of trying to protect me. You made me feel as though I had done something wrong.”
“I handled it poorly. I admit it. I’m not used to sharing my life with someone. It’s something I need to work on.”
“It is. Communication would be key for us, otherwise it won’t work.”
“Does that mean you’re going to give me a chance?”
Seeing the hope in his eyes made my heart do a little happy dance.
I hesitated before answering, unable to process the enormity of that moment. He loved me. He said he loved me and seeing him there, looking worried and hopeful, filled me with everything I needed to know.
“Yes, it means I’m giving ‘us’ a chance. But you have to communicate with me, Sam. I’m not a mind reader. Open communication all the way.”
A dazzling smile spread across his face. He took my face in his hands, kissing me tenderly on the lips.
“I’d like to take my wife home now.”
“I’d like to go home.”
“Let’s get out of here, Mrs. Andrews.”
“Wait. Where’s Emily? She couldn’t have been in the bathroom this entire time.”
“She left. She actually told me she was meeting you here tonight when I stopped by the office to see you this afternoon.”
“So, she set this entire thing up?”
“She helped me out, nothing more.”
“She’s a traitor,” I replied sarcastically.
“I would say she’s a good friend to us both.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
We left my car at the restaurant, and Sam insisted on driving me home to pick up Bear. He arranged to have John pick up my car and have it at the house when we returned. My heart was full as I held his hand across the center console.
“Penny for your thoughts, Mrs. Andrews,” he stated as he lifted my hand to his lips, kissing it softly.
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