by Kai Juniper
He walks out and I'm left feeling weighted down with guilt and sadness and the heaviness of the decision I know I need to make. Brook still wants me, even after how I treated her, but I can't stay with her if I'm going to keep pushing her away.
Danny's right. She doesn't deserve that. I can't do that to her again. I need to commit to being with her. Or let her go.
Chapter Twelve
Brook
It's after ten and I haven't heard from Dean. I thought he might try to call me after I left his room but he didn't. He's pushing me away again. It's what he's done since I met him but I thought things would be different after he told me he wanted a relationship with me. I thought he was committed to making this work, or at least trying, but then today he went back to being the old Dean. The one who acts like he doesn't want me around.
I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. I don't want a relationship where I feel unwanted, and like I don't matter. I had that with Chad and I don't want it again. I love Dean, more than I ever loved Chad, but I can't stay with him if he keeps doing this. He chips away at my heart every time he tells me to go away, and it hurts. Things can be so great between Dean and me, and then he goes and ruins it. Every damn time.
I'm heading to my room when I hear the front door open. I return to the living room and see my mom there, setting her purse down, a smile on her face.
"How was your date?" I ask.
"Oh, hi, honey, I didn't think you'd still be up."
"I was studying." I meet her in the kitchen. "So how was your date?"
"Good," she says, that smile still on her face as she gets herself a glass of water. "The club was even nicer than I imagined. And Canton looked so handsome in his tuxedo."
"He wore a tux to dinner?"
"All the men were wearing them." She sips her water. "I felt underdressed. The other women had on designer evening gowns, some of which were absolutely gorgeous. It was such a fun evening. I had a wonderful time."
"So you like this guy?"
"I've always liked him, but tonight I saw a whole different side to him." She lets out a dreamy sigh. "He was charming. Romantic. A true gentleman."
"Are you going out with him again?"
"Tomorrow night. There's a fundraiser at the history museum." She gasps, her hand covering her mouth. "What am I going to wear? I don't have time to buy something."
"And we don't have the money," I point out.
"True, although Canton would be happy to loan me his credit card. Maybe I could slip out at lunch and buy something."
"Mom, you have plenty of dresses. Just wear what you have."
"And embarrass Canton by showing up in something that doesn't match what the other women are wearing? I can't do that. I'll just have to go out at lunch."
"If you think he won't date you because you wore the wrong dress, then find someone else. You don't want someone like that."
"It's not just about Canton. I'm looking forward to getting all dressed up and looking nice. It's been so long." She finishes her water and puts the glass in the dishwasher. "How was your night?"
"Boring. I just did homework."
She comes over to me. "You didn't want to go back to the hospital and see Dean?"
I shrug. "He had his friends there. I'll see him tomorrow."
"Any word on his brother?"
"No. Nothing."
She frowns. "That's too bad. But I wouldn't worry, honey. I'm sure they'll find him." She gives me a hug. "I'm going to bed."
As she heads to her room, I follow behind. "Mom, wait."
"What is it?" she asks, turning back.
"Did you talk to Dad about his offer?"
"He left me a message on my phone but I haven't called him back."
"Are you going to?"
"Not until we've talked and made a decision."
"Well...have you? I mean, what do you think?"
She pauses, looking to the side before looking back at me. "Personally, I'd like to tell him yes. Being back there, even if it's just for a few months, would give me the opportunity to re-establish myself. By the time you graduate, perhaps I'll have found a way to stay there."
"How would you stay there? You can't afford it."
"I could if I were living with Canton," she says, her lips turning up.
She's been on one date with the guy and is already thinking of marrying him?
Being back in that world, surrounded by rich people, for just one night was enough for her to forget about her independence and happiness and go back to wanting a fake, unhappy life like she had with my dad.
"You'd really marry that guy?" I ask. "You just met him."
"Honey, I've known him for years. We're old friends."
"Dad was his friend. You weren't."
"He's a nice man, and he'd be good for me."
"Even if you didn't love him?"
She sets her hand on my shoulder. "When you're older, you'll understand that relationships aren't just about love. They're about shared goals. Meeting each others needs. A sense of security."
"You mean financial security," I say, sounding annoyed.
"Brook, this is none of your concern. Why don't you get to bed?"
"So what are you going to tell Dad?"
"What do you want me to tell him? I assume you don't want to go back."
I look down. "I don't know. Maybe."
"I don't understand. I thought you were adamant about staying."
"I'm not sure," I say, looking up at her. "I haven't decided."
Her brows draw together. "What about Dean?"
I shrug. "I have to think about my future. And I'll have a better future if I go back to Haverhill."
She stares at me, not saying anything.
"Why do you look so surprised? This is what you and Dad wanted. It's what you think is best for me. That's what you guys keep telling me."
"Brook, I don't want you making this decision because of us. I know your father is pressuring you and I would have done the same if I didn't think you were happy here. But you are. I can see it on your face and how you act. You're not the girl you were a year ago, or even a few months ago. You smile more. You laugh. You seem more relaxed. I don't know if that's because of Dean or Eve or your other new friends, or if Haverhill just wasn't right for you. I just know that I don't want you going back there unless it's truly what you want."
"Then why do you keep pressuring me to hang out with my old friends? And why are you trying to get me to go back to Chad?"
"Because it's easier," she says with a sigh. "It's easier to have a life where you never have to worry about money. A life where your biggest concern is what dress you're going to wear to a dinner party. I want that, Brook. I'm tired of struggling. I've proved I can support myself and my daughter, but I don't want to keep doing it. It's just not for me."
I'm disappointed she said that, but it's who she is and I have to accept it. I always thought I'd be just like her, but then I felt what it's like to be truly happy and now I'd rather have that than a fancy house and a country club membership. But if Dean's going to shut me out of his life for the rest of the year, I don't know if I can keep going to that school. Seeing him every day, watching him date other girls, will just hurt me and make me miserable. If I'm going to be miserable, I might as well go back to Haverhill and focus on getting into a good college.
"I need to get to sleep," my mom says. "Can we talk more tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Goodnight, Mom."
She goes in her room and shuts the door. I go in my mine and get into bed, feeling confused and sad, part of me wishing I'd never gotten involved with Dean. He showed me what real love feels like and then took it away, making me want something he won't let me have. I never would've known what I was missing if I'd never met Dean.
An hour later I'm still staring at the ceiling, wide awake, thinking about Dean and trying to decide what to do. I can't keep running after Dean, begging him to give us another chance. If he doesn't want to be with me, I
need to accept that and move on. I just wish I didn't love him so much. It'd make it a lot easier to walk away.
Closing my eyes, I try to sleep but my mind won't let me. I keep tossing and turning and when I check the clock, I see it's two in the morning. I have to be up for school at six. It's been like this all week. Worrying about Dean and Jake, I haven't been able to sleep. Good thing it's Friday. I can catch up on sleep this weekend.
When my alarm goes off I have to drag myself out of bed after having been asleep for two hours. I check my phone but don't have any messages from Dean. I guess he's telling me we're done. Our fight yesterday was the end. He doesn't want this. I should've known he'd change his mind. I knew he wasn't a relationship type of guy but I thought he'd changed. I thought we had something special, something real, but I guess not.
"You look like shit," Eve says when I see her in the hall.
"Thanks," I say, shrugging my backpack over my shoulder.
She laughs. "I'm kidding, although you do look like you didn't sleep much. Were you up talking to Dean all night?"
"No." I walk faster down the crowded hall. I haven't told Eve what happened because I was hoping it'd be fixed by now. I thought for sure Dean would call me last night and tell me he was sorry and that he still wanted a relationship with me, but he didn't.
"What's wrong?" Eve holds my arm, forcing me to stop.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say as people rush past us, a few bumping me as they go by. "We need to move. We're in the way."
"Did something happen with Dean?" she asks, her eyes bouncing around my face, searching for answers.
"I have to get to class." I walk off as she follows beside me.
"Did you guys break up? And you didn't tell me?"
I stop at the classroom. "I'll tell you at lunch."
"Did you or didn't you break up with Dean?"
"I don't know." I glance at the teacher as he walks into class. "I have to go or I'll be late."
"Whatever," she says, taking off. She's going to be mad I didn't call her last night but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I wasn't ready to admit that Dean and I are over.
Later that morning, I see Danny in the hall. I catch his eye, but then look away, assuming he knows what happened and that he'll be loyal to Dean and avoid me.
Instead, he comes up to me. "You hear from Dean last night?"
"No," I say, not looking at him as I continue down the hall.
"This morning?"
"Nope." I glance at him. "I'm kind of in a hurry. I'll see ya later."
He nods and heads the other direction.
At lunch I find Eve at our usual table and sit down across from her with a bottle of water and a bag of pretzels.
"That's all you're eating?" she asks.
"I'm not very hungry."
"So what happened?"
I tell her the story, starting with my dad's offer to send me back to Haverhill and how Dean told me to go. I end by telling her about my talk with my mom and how she wants to move back but won't if I don't agree to it.
"What are you going to do?" she asks.
"I don't know."
"Wait—you're seriously considering this? You'd really go back there, after telling me how much you hated it?"
"I didn't hate it. I just didn't like the people. The school itself was great. I loved all my teachers and I liked my classes."
"So you're going back there," she says with a sigh as she rolls her eyes. "Because some stupid guy broke your heart."
"That's not the only reason. Haverhill is a good school. It'll help me get into a good college."
"You could stay here and still get into a good college. Why would you want to go back to a school where you don't even like the people? You'll have to be around your ex-boyfriend again and all your fake friends. Is that really what you want?"
"It'd only be for a few months. I could put up with those people for a few months. And you and I would still be friends. I just wouldn't see you as much."
"I can't believe you'd let Dean control you like this. He totally bullied you when you got here and you fought back. And now you're letting him tell you what to do? Why? What changed?"
"He's not telling me what to do. I'm deciding this on my own."
"So if you two were still together, you'd still be thinking of going back to your old school?"
"Maybe. I may not even have a choice. My dad already enrolled me and my mom could force me to go."
"You said she was letting you make the decision."
"She could change her mind. She really wants to move back. If she starts telling her friends about this, they'll convince her to make me go."
"You're really annoying me," she says, getting up. "I have to go before I reach across the table and slap some sense into you."
"Eve, wait. Let's just talk about something else. I've barely seen you all week."
"Why do you care?" She sits back down. "If you move, you won't see me ever again." She rips the lid off her chocolate pudding and picks up her spoon.
"I'll still see you. And I don't know for sure if I'm moving."
She stirs the pudding with her spoon. "I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Why? What'd I do now?"
"Not you. Him." She nods toward something behind me.
I look back and see her brother standing in line with Christina. He's smiling and whispering in her ear.
"Guess their date went well," I say, looking back at Eve.
"Yeah, he didn't get home until after midnight, an hour past curfew. My mom was on a date so she couldn't even yell at him for it, and when I told her she didn't believe me."
"Why didn't she believe you?"
"Because it's Evan, Mr. Never-Gets-In-Trouble. I'm the one always breaking the rules." She shrugs. "Whatever. I don't really care. It's just annoying he gets away with stuff and I don't." She glances at him with Christina. "Why would a cheerleader want to date a geek like Evan? It's like me dating a football player."
"You wouldn't date a football player?"
"I'm not saying I wouldn't. It just wouldn't happen. I have too much personality for those guys. They couldn't handle it."
"I'M dating one. Are you saying I don't have a personality?"
"No. I'm saying that mine is different. I have a loud, out-there personality that a lot of guys can't handle. I say what I want, dress like I want, do my hair like I want. Football guys tend to like girls that do everything possible to please them. That's not me."
"I don't do what Dean wants."
"And yet you're considering leaving school for him." She licks the pudding off her spoon.
"I thought we weren't talking about that."
"That's right. I forgot." She looks behind me. "What do you want, shithead?"
"Shithead?" Kendrick sits beside me, looking across the table at Eve. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"You got me in trouble in class," Eve says.
"No, I didn't."
She leans across the table, glaring at him. "She thought we were cheating on the test because you kept staring at me."
"I wasn't staring," he insists, but he doesn't sound convincing. I swear he likes Eve but when I tell her that, she doesn't believe me.
She eats her pudding, ignoring Kendrick. I look over and see him staring at her, the way you'd stare at someone you're attracted to. I look over at Eve. She's not even paying attention to him, her focus on getting the last of her pudding from the cup.
"Did you need something?" I say to Kendrick.
He's still staring at Eve, his gaze dropping to her chest. She's wearing a black t-shirt with a hot pink skull printed on it. It's so tight on her boobs it's hard to tell it's a skull unless she's standing up and you're far away.
"Kendrick?" I say, nudging him.
"What?" he asks, his head slowly turning toward me.
"Did you need something or are you just here to look at Eve?"
Eve looks up from her pudding. "What did you say?"
"Nothing. I just wondered why Kendrick is here."
"Yeah, what do you want?" Eve says, sounding annoyed.
"I wanted to know if you guys are going to the game tonight. Coach is going to do something for Dean." Kendrick turns to me. "You might want to be there. As his girlfriend, you could come down to the field if you want."
"For what? What's going on?"
"Danny started a fund for Dean to help pay medical bills and shit. Coach is going to announce it tonight. See if we can get donations."
"That's a good idea. I wasn't even thinking about that."
"Danny said maybe you'd want to say something."
"What would I say?"
He shrugs. "You know Dean better than the rest of us. I mean, we're friends and shit, but you know how he is. He likes to keep shit private. He's never even let any of us go to his house except for you and Danny. If you don't want to say anything tonight, that's fine. I just wanted to ask."
"I could. I just don't know what I'd say."
"Say he's a jerk who doesn't deserve you," Eve says, shoving her tray aside.
Kendrick looks between Eve and me. "What's she talking about? Did you and Dean have a fight?"
"It's nothing." I turn to Kendrick. "I'll do it. When do I need to be there?"
"Game starts at seven so a little before that. Come down to the field. Coach will go first, then Danny, and then you."
"Any way you could give me a ride?"
"I can't. I'll be here getting ready for the game."
"I can take you," Eve says.
"See you tonight." Kendrick gets up, smiling at Eve. "I like your hair. And that shirt kicks ass."
Eve's jaw drops, her eyes going to me as he leaves. "What was that about?"
"He likes you."
"No, he doesn't. The asshole almost got us detention for cheating. The only reason we didn't is because our test answers weren't even close. There's no way we were cheating."
"He wasn't cheating. He was staring at you."
"Yeah. Like an idiot."
"Like a guy who likes you. He was staring at you again just now. He didn't even hear me talking to him."
"He wasn't staring at me." She gets up. "Let's go."
"Eve, I'm telling you," I say, getting up. "His eyes were glued to you as you ate that pudding."