“Oh,” she relaxed. I’d let her off the hook. “They do that.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
I wanted her talking. I didn’t care anymore what about.
“Adam used to say when I’m sad they turn grey.”
Are you sad?
…
I couldn’t ask it.
I wanted to. God, I wanted to.
“Go ahead,” she said, noticing. It was like she could hear my thoughts.
“Hmm?” I tried to play it off. I didn't want to do it. I didn’t have to.
“Go ahead, I can tell you want to. Go ahead and ask me if I’m sad.”
I cleared my throat and felt my head come back up so my eyes could see hers again, even just for a second. When I looked at her now I felt things I shouldn’t, things I’d only felt for Natalie before or strangers I’d never even dream of touching, it was hot and sharp and dangerous. The kind of feeling that claws inside and becomes a part of you.
I didn’t like that weird warm feeling… It was very similar to a gush of unwanted blood. I didn’t like that she could make me feel anything at all. I felt bad for her. I felt bad. But I did the thing she wanted from me despite it all. I knew she wanted me to. Somehow I couldn't let her down. I gave in. I let her control me.
I let my face settle into my own version of a semi-mocking reporter.
“Are you sad Avery Lockhart?”
I stared right at her while I asked her rather seriously. My lips pursed. My eyes roamed.
I watched and saw how her eyes didn’t move or waver or change.
“Yes,” she said truthfully, a calm coming over her, a spot of relief. “I am sad, Olivia, aren’t you?”
Beneath my chest my heart began to pound. She was looking at me, a bit of amusement showing through.
She was seeing me. Not just my physical form, not just the persona I projected. Avery Lockhart was seeing the girl behind the mask, the girl that no one else got to see, the girl that I worked wonders on in great attempts to keep hidden away. And she was doing that after less than ten minutes of talking to me.
It was like she had reached into my chest put her hand around my heart and just squeezed.
My blood pumped straight up to my head and I felt it pounding in my brain, disrupting me. I was instantly dizzy and stressed.
“Ah-I-I’m late,” I twitched angrily. “I-I have to go,” I stuttered.
I got up fast, my heel, hard on the cement, made a loud scratching sound that echoed all through the empty center. But I hadn’t the time to stop and hear it. I stuffed my bag as fast as I could. All the while Avery sat still. She wasn’t about to ask me to stay and I knew that was my own damn fault, I knew I hadn’t been the best of near strangers to meet, nor the nicest of interviewers, but I couldn’t think, I just needed to go.
My hands were shaking. She had done that to me.
I have to go. I have to go.
“I’m sure you do,” I heard Avery mutter, as if hearing my screaming thoughts AGAIN. It was honestly creepy.
She was suave, calculated, self-assured. She was beautiful, detached, dangerously so.
And how dare she ask?! How dare!
She agreed to be interviewed! Not me!
I couldn’t do this. Not today.
Chapter Four
Avery
I watched her leave without even getting up. All the words we’d exchanged, I’d learned more about her than I knew in three years of going to the same school. I’d never met her officially, until now, but Olivia definitely left an impression. I shrugged it off and stood up, stepping over the bleacher bench I’d been straddling.
Where I was going wasn’t far. The pool was connected to the school by a walkway that spanned the upper floor, going across an open area with glass walls where you could see the courtyard outside. On the other side, through a set of double doors, classrooms lined the hallway. It was where Ben’s classroom and the darkroom were located. Convenient for when he wanted to wander across and watch swim practice like a creep.
It was late enough that most everyone was gone except the few teachers that always stayed late. The Journalism room was two floors up from the media center where I imagined Olivia spent a lot of time. I rode the elevator, not feeling like the stairs. When the doors opened I looked both ways. The halls were empty and late afternoon sun shone in through the windows, broken only by the structure of the window panes.
I walked through the perfect squares of light framed by shadow until I could see that the door was open. I crossed the hall and pressed my hand into the corner of the lockers lining the wall. Ben sat inside at his desk, looking through something. Probably grading papers. He was alone.
So, I went in and stood by the door. His icy blue eyes flew up to mine and he pulled his glasses off. I liked his glasses. They made him look a little nerdy. He was a beautiful man with or without them. Perfect facial structure, symmetrical features, dark brown hair. A lot of the girls at school and some of the teachers had a thing for him.
“Avery.”
His smile was a little more curved at one end than the other. I knew what he was thinking. It was his secret smile. The one he wore a lot, but especially when I saw him at school. “Mr. Bradford,” I answered.
He liked it when I called him that. “I need to ask you a question. Are you busy?”
“No, not at all.” He shifted back in his desk chair, leaning back on the axis and tossing his glasses on top of a pile of papers. “Close the door.”
I didn’t want to. Not right now. We needed to talk and if I closed the door he wouldn’t want to talk. But I couldn’t leave it open because of what I needed to ask him. “Only if you promise you're not going to try anything. I need to get home.”
He knew that last part was a lie. How I started down this road, how Ben became one of the only people to know anything real about my life, is complicated. Sort of. I don’t think you could call it dating but we’ve been messing around since last year.
He used to watch me when I left school late after drama class or swim. He always seemed to be around. One day he started walking out with me. That led to him asking me to go get something to eat one night. I didn’t really think much of it. I knew he was attracted to me. I was used to that from guys.
When he drove me back we were in the parking lot and I was going to get out of the car but he stopped me. It wasn’t hard to tell what he was about to do. I let him kiss me. It felt different. New and strange but not bad. So, I kissed him back and ever since then we’ve been doing this secret thing. Mostly away from school but sometimes he gets a little crazy and wants to have sex in his classroom and do other things. I don’t like it. We could get caught.
I edged along the desks and walked toward the front of the room. “Why did you set up this interview. She obviously didn’t want to do it and it was kind of useless. I think you should call it off.”
He didn’t move, his face didn’t really change except for one of his eyebrows. It rose like a question. “Olivia wasn’t too happy either that I pulled the assignment she wanted in favor of this interview. But I think it’s what needs to be in the yearbook. Kids don’t care who won an internship to NASA. They care about people like you.”
So she didn’t want to do the interview. I shifted and shrugged a shoulder, using a desk to lean my weight on. “I don’t think that’s true.” He always talked about the other students like they were far away, like I was different. “I’m not special.”
The things Olivia said about me came back. Maybe it was a common viewpoint. People would rather talk about how you have more than they do, rather than what actually makes up your life. Not that I had more than her. From the looks of it, she had everything.
Ben leaned forward and his chair came level with a hard click. “I think it is. You’re popular. Everyone knows you and likes you.”
“Not everyone.” I said. I rolled my eyes and tried to get the image of those accusing green eyes out of my head. “Whatever. Why her?”
There were a dozen other students on the yearbook staff. He could have sent any one of them.
“Because she’s the best,” he replied. He even seemed cocky like he had something to do with that.
His gaze wandered away from my face and down over my body. I knew this was the point at which there would be no more talking. If I didn’t find a way to leave now, it would be hours before I got home.
“Fine. Just next time tell her to take it easy or something. She was kind of rude.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Really?” His long legs slid from underneath the desk and he smoothly stood, walking towards me.
I just stood, waiting. He froze me. Like there was a power he had and I couldn’t fight when he used it. I cleared my throat and pulled my shoulders back. “Look, I’ve got a lot of homework and I need to get going.”
“You don’t need to do homework.” He stopped in front of me and smiled down, running a hand along my arm.
I shivered and took in a deep breath, biting my lip. “I do,” I said. It was weak. I was weak. His hand slipped onto my waist and his fingers found the hem of my t-shirt. I was lost in his eyes for a moment, feeling like I owed him this, but when his thumb slid against the waistband of my pants I blinked, stepping back and backing away.
“Sorry,” I said. My foot nicked the metal leg of a desk and I stumbled a little, drawing him forward.
“I’m fine.”
He frowned, still following me, still intent. “Avery. Just a few minutes,” he nearly whined. “It’s been a week.”
“So?” My hand felt for the door handle and an elation came over me when I felt it, cold and solid in my palm. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever.”
“On the contrary,” he corrected. “Absence can make a man kind of crazy.” He joked, hungrily grinning.
“Okay, I’m really leaving now.” I rolled my eyes and turned away, hoping that he wasn’t going to follow me. I kept swearing to myself that I wouldn’t let him do these things anymore.
“Oh come on! I was just kidding.” He made it to the door but I was already half way down the hall.
“See you later.” I waved apathetically behind me, afraid to look back. I might not make it to the elevator if I did. I knew he would text me as soon as he got back to his desk but I could deal with that. Texts weren’t hard to avoid. The way he made me feel was.
When I got to my car it was getting dark. I opened the door to my late model Honda and climbed in, hoping that he didn’t try to call later. It had been a week since we’d hooked up. Last time was at his house. He jokes around a lot, calling them date nights like we’re a real couple. It’s bullshit. He uses me. He’s not nice to me. My seeking him out really makes no sense given everything. Sometimes I don’t know why I let myself stick around.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station to fill up and get something quick for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking. The store has been here forever but it was recently bought by this big company who remodeled it. Now, there was a fancy coffee station with a self-serve cappuccino machine and a little sandwich counter. I browsed the sandwiches and picked up a chicken salad pesto sandwich. The plastic wrapping was cold from the deli cooler. So much for home cooking.
When I get to the counter, Garrett's there like always. “Hey.” I say.
“Avery, what’s up?” He gives me a smile and starts ringing up my sandwich.
I held out a twenty and smile back at him. “Not much. I’ll take ten on pump three too.”
He’s a nice guy. We don’t talk much but I see him in the gym sometimes when he’s working out with the rest of the football team. He asked me out once but I turned him down. I turn everyone from school down, the students anyway. I guess that’s why there were rumors last year. If you’re not with someone people start to wonder. Guess they just don’t want to think about their own messed up lives so they get in other people’s business.
“Alright.”
He hands me my change and I give a wave before I go back to my car and pump the gas. It’s chilly out. I put the pump in and press the lever, hugging my body with my other arm. Light filters down from the brand new fluorescent lights above me but it’s getting dark outside the overhang. I can see the lights of the housing development in the distance, shining with the promise of warmth.
The pump handle clicks and I take it out. Ten dollars doesn’t go far these days but I’ll have enough to get to school and back for the rest of the week. Maybe I can tell Ben that I can’t make it to his place this weekend because I don’t have gas. It’s a good thought but he would just give me money or pick me up.
When I’m done I get in the car and drive off, into the dark, towards home. Our house is an old but well taken care of craftsman that my mom inherited from her parents. It isn’t on or near any base because Mom doesn’t like it there. This house was left to her a little before Adam died. It’s just a basic house: three bedroom, two bath, with dark siding, and a tiny back yard.
You can see into the neighbor’s house from our kitchen window, but I try not to look. We’re more private than we used to be. No place has ever felt like this. It’s more home than I’ve had in a while. We used to move around a lot. Up and down the coast. But we landed in Northern California three years ago and haven’t left since. One good thing about Dad’s deployment. My Mom decided she was sick of moving around.
I actually got the chance to breathe and form some kind of home-base. I opened the front door and went right through to the living room, passing the family portrait we had taken years ago. Mom insisted we keep it up even though I tried to take it down. I get tired of knowing that we’re all smiling into an empty room. The bedroom next to mine would have been Adam’s.
That hollow pain came back and I shuffled further into the house, past the couch and through the hallway. I stopped at Mom’s door and peek in. She was sleeping with the comforter twisted around her body. Her little snores drifted toward me when she breathed. Sometimes I wish it could be like before. But you can’t raise the dead. You can only miss them.
Chapter Five
Olivia
I can’t explain what that was back there. What happened?
One second I was sitting across from her, more than ready to discover this girl I had no misconceptions about. The next thing I knew I sort of drown in her eyes.
It’s stupid.
That’s all.
I fell into her or something. It’s fine. No big deal.
It’s not like it was real. It’s not like she knows.
I just didn’t expect…
I dunno.
I dunno what I expected but it wasn’t that.
She called me beautiful… I dazed.
It’s hard for me to...
Okay, a lot of things are hard for me.
But, right now, it’s hard for me to think that somehow Ben didn’t predict this all along.
He’s no genius. He’s a handsome man and I love him in my own special way. I don’t love many people.
But he’s the only one who could find the one assignment that would really test me, really have me questioning myself. Unlike everyone else, Ben is beyond good at tickling my brain.
Who knows, maybe that’s all this really is?
Maybe she’s pretty.
Maybe he’s playing with me.
Maybe I’m weak.
I just. I’m not used to this.
It’s not like I fall for every girl.
That’s not me.
There are conditions. Always conditions.
I can’t fall unless there’s no chance.
I can’t fall unless she could tear me in two and make my life disappear.
It’s not good, at all. This is not good.
Shaking now, I pick my phone up off the passenger seat and dial the only person who can erase me of her.
The ringing in my ear is an unpleasant reminder of my own distance.
“Hello?” She always answers that way. She always answer
s like she doesn’t know it’s me.
I know her better than that...
“Nat, it’s me.”
“Oh, hi Livia. I was just thinking about you.”
“Right,” I said, feeling tense and upset. It’d only been a few minutes since I left the pool. I rushed away from that meeting so fast it’s not even funny.
“Great,” her voice dropped. “You sound upset. How typical.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“I dunno, you tell me?”
She was always like this lately. Always hard.
“How’d the shoot go?” I asked, trying to fix it.
“It was fine,” she sighed. “My Mom was there. That was weird.”
“Oh… Sorry…” Her Mom was a big problem. A constant force in her life pushing her to be normal for the sake of her career.
“Yeah... You know the drill. I was fine until she showed up, then it was all anger and nerves.”
“Shit Nat, that sucks, I’m sorry.” It was wrong of me to forget that Nat had real problems too. Sometimes it just seemed like she was trying to hurt me. With her I’m always more defensive than I like. I set boundaries. I push us off.
“What do you have to apologize for?” Her voice is so sweet sometimes. Like music.
“I dunno…” I did have lustful feelings just moments before and for a complete stranger, no less.
“What’s amatter? You sound sad.”
“I dunno,” I said again, totally bothered. “Mr. Bradford is making me do this stupid assignment. I had my first interview today. This girl is a mess, I wish you could see her.”
“What girl?” Natalie asked.
She could always see through me. That’s the only chip she had. That, and she was exceedingly gorgeous and definitely addicting.
Sex with Nat was something I’d begged for many times. Not just sex though. Simple kisses. A place to lie. Anything physical, I took that from her. I trained her basically.
But I never let it be real. We were always just temporary, just friends.
I think in the beginning it got too real, too close, so I pushed her off at the first chance of emotional intimacy.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 2