Maybe it was a good thing. I took in a quick breath and turned in my seat. “If you want to ask me anything else just let me know. I can meet you again.”
“Okay, I'll definitely do that.”
I smiled. She really didn't give me much to work with beyond cryptic words and meaningful looks without definition.
“I should go.” I opened the passenger door and turned. At the last second I whirled around and resisted the urge to hug her. “Thanks for dinner and… ah. See you around.”
I got out and walked to my car, trying to breathe through heavy lungs. I pressed the button to unlock my door and got in.
She sat in her car. Maybe waiting to make sure I got off alright. I started my car and put it in gear, driving past her and waving even though I doubt she could see it.
“What the hell was that?” I whispered the question, afraid the world was going to answer me before I was ready to know.
Chapter Eleven
Olivia
My heart dropped in my chest the second Avery left me. I watched her get in her car and go. I couldn’t stop wondering where she was going that had her literally rushing away from me.
It was so odd there at the end. I could actually feel her wanting to stay. A creeping sensation had taken hold of me for a little while and it was comforting, I realized I wanted Avery around.
She was so awkward, so torn, I almost felt I should just kiss her… But then I thought for sure it was too soon and I’d ruin everything so I just let her go.
Why couldn’t she stay just a little bit more? Why couldn’t we just hang on a bit? Our dinner was so nice. I thought of how adorable she got when she drank. She even became a little flirty. If she knew how much I really liked her she’d have left earlier for sure.
The first time she said she should probably go I found myself irrationally angry. What was so wrong with me? Couldn’t we be friends? Avery apologized for leaving in the end but she seemed set on getting away from me from the time she was full. I dunno… Maybe she just doesn’t trust me.
I’m definitely torn on how to feel about today.
And why’d she bring up that ski trip? What was that all about?
I checked my phone for the first time since Mr. Bradford’s class. Nat had called. I pressed the voicemail button and listened.
“Hey you. Just wanted to call and see how you were, make sure you’re okay. I know that was sort of a hit-and-run yesterday. Just wanted to call and see if you were still mad.”
She’d like if I said yes. If I said yes it would mean we could do it again.
I ignored her this time.
My Mom had sent a few texts.
Mom: Olivia? Where are you? You shouldn’t be out every night.
A little bit later.
Mom: Your Father found out you were at the Inn with a friend. Thanks for going. They like it when we use them. They always thank us.
A little bit later still.
Mom: Sorry I’ve been a mess all day. Work wasn’t really that bad. I’m just overwhelmed.
I thought of what to say back. Sometimes things were actually worse when Mom and Dad were happy with me. When they noticed me more I got worried. Apologies from them made me worry the most.
It took me a long time to realize that my behavior was never really the problem with us. My parents would rather I be a fantasy, now that was the truth.
Olivia: Sorry. I had an interview to do for yearbook. And yes, I know the Inn likes it when I go there, that’s why I do it so much. Glad work went well. Get some rest, Mom. I’m studying at the bookstore. I’ll be home soon.
I wasn’t glad though. I didn’t care. And I didn’t know when I’d be home because I couldn’t predict what the hell I was going to do with myself now that Avery was gone.
I sat in the empty parking lot feeling lost.
I ran my hands through my hair and stared over at the empty seat.
Avery…
I could still smell her skin and her hair.
I touched my hand to the seat and felt that it was still warm.
Not knowing what to do, I began to drive that familiar drive I’d imbedded in my memory. I passed the office and then the church and then the vet and then the park.
When I got to the Shell I made myself pull over and idle.
Why am I being this person?
I wanted to see her but this wasn’t the way…
It wasn’t fair to her. I shouldn’t have done it at all. I hung a U and felt myself getting farther and farther away from her. I didn’t like how that felt.
My chest was tight and I knew I was eventually going to cry.
Even at the end there with her, she was happy, it seemed, she was smiling and even singing with me.
It just killed me that she wanted to leave. That’s all.
I drove all the way to my dad’s work, parked and let myself into my favorite lab. No one else was around since business hours were over for the day.
Lack of a better thing to do usually led me to this place.
I had a few tests I wanted to do. Now was as good a time as any. Boring as it sounds, running tests calmed me down. Everything was so procedural and important. I had to concentrate. Concentration meant thinking about what I was doing and not about everything else… Not about how horrible I was at being a normal person… Not about her….
I buried myself in work and didn’t leave the place until my dad called around ten. I had to lie and tell him I got caught up studying. It was a common lie of mine but it always seemed to work.
Driving home felt even lonelier than driving to the lab.
All I wanted was to go to her. I knew where she lived. I knew she was sad.
I couldn’t do it though.
I wasn’t allowed.
Chapter Twelve
Avery
“Come on Mom,” I pleaded, sitting the bowl of soup in front of her. “It’s just chicken soup.”
She glanced away from the TV and I could see the weakness in her face. She used to be beautiful. Perfect complexion, perfect hair, and perfect life, with her great husband and two kids. Now, she was a shadow, subsisting on a liquid diet and a bare minimum of food.
When I returned home she was actually up and sitting on the couch watching some reality show. I kept a few easy things for her to cook in the kitchen if she got hungry when I wasn’t there but I always ended up making it for her anyway, like the soup I was trying to get her to eat now.
I sat down beside her, wishing for the Mom I remember reading me bedtime stories and yelling at me when I hid all my stuff under the bed instead of cleaning my room properly. Her face was sallow and her cheeks were a little sunken under her cheekbones. I looked away, instead pushing back until I was resting half against the back of the couch and half against her.
She leaned forward, picking up the bowl and settling back again. I smiled, a faint sad smile, and laid my head on her shoulder as she took a sip of the broth. It couldn’t always be like this. Someday things would change and I was afraid of what was going to happen with my life after graduation. If Dad came home, and Mom was still like this, would he stay?
The future was always this abstract that I tried to shove to the back of my considerations. Day-to-day was better for my mind. I could take care of her and I might have to for a long time. That meant I was limited if I went to college. My grades weren’t too bad. I was lucky enough to be a natural test taker and if I read something I could remember it.
Mom chuckled at something on the show and I raised my head.
“I miss him too, Mom.”
She stopped eating, stopped moving, and all I could hear was the TV and her shallow breathing.
“I know,” she whispered, turning to look at me for a moment.
It was a rare moment when she didn’t ignore what I said about Adam. Something about dinner with Olivia had brought him to mind. Memories were coming back. A chasm in my chest, full of feelings that threatened my bland normalcy. Things I hadn’t thought about in foreve
r.
I bit the inside of my lip to keep from crying. Mom kept eating the soup. That meant more than her acknowledging my sadness. She was trying. I wrapped my arm around her frail body and sighed. We were both trying something.
“I forgot to tell you. I’m going on a ski trip next week.” I smoothed down the mess of blonde hair on the side of her head. “I won’t be here to cook but I’ll leave you some food in the freezer that you can just put in the microwave.
“Okay,” she replied.
When she put the soup bowl down I saw that it was empty and I nearly cheered. “But if you need me I’ll have my phone.” I didn’t add that I’d have our neighbor, Mr. Grant, come check on her as well. It would humiliate her.
In the three years we’d lived here he was the only person that lived nearby that I had really met. He was a retired vet, which is what got us talking in the first place. I was outside washing my car, wearing the cap from my Dad’s last assignment at sea and he was outside getting his paper.
He wandered up and started a conversation, asking all sorts of questions about Dad and his deployments. Ever since then he checked on us from time-to-time. I think he felt like it was his duty as a fellow sailor to look after us a little.
By now he knew the drill. I never told him why Mom needed help but I suspect he knew. I’d never mentioned Adam to him. He was a nice man. It made me feel like it was okay to leave her when I had to. He had my cell number and the school’s number also.
“Thank you, Avery,” she said.
I leaned up. “Um, no problem, Mom.” She seemed more alive, more aware than she had been in a while.
“I know things aren’t great right now and I’ve been thinking a lot.”
She sniffed, like she was holding back tears but turned to me anyway.
“I’m going to check myself in somewhere.”
I shook my head. “What?”
“Avery,” she sighed.
“What, Mom? Are you saying you’re going to go to rehab?”
Her eyes hardened for a moment, no longer blue but steel. “Yes, I need to…”
She wouldn’t finish the sentence but there were a million possible endings: be a better Mom, get well, get help. And those were just the ones that occurred to me in that second.
“Okay,” my voice was small. I felt little again. “Whatever you need.”
Changes always clotheslined me out of nowhere. My mom wanting to change, it was novel. She’d been this way for years. Not this bad, that had only happened in the last fifteen months or so, but pretty bad. I believed her. She never said anything she didn’t mean, which meant she hadn’t said much at all for a long time.
I reached my other arm around her and hugged. She didn’t move for a moment but I let a tear slip out when I felt her arms slip underneath mine and her body hugging me back. We didn’t talk about it anymore that night but I went to sleep wondering if fate had some weird ideas lined out for me. First Olivia blows into my life like a tornado and now Mom’s going to rehab. Life was funny.
Chapter Thirteen
Olivia
A day and a half went by with nothing from Avery.
I saw her in the halls, she didn’t even notice me. I even watched her swim after school on Wednesday night. She seemed so intense, even in water. The other girls would get out and socialize, they’d screw around and even stay after (yes, I did watch that long). Even her coach left her alone. Everyone left after the normal 2 hours. Everyone but her. I watched and watched. She was still there swimming long after they’d all gone. She’d swim a long time and then rest on the wall or float around, breathing in a perfectly empty pool. It took everything I had in me to just stay without going down to her.
At first, when she was walking in and passing people by, it was like she was this storm up and walking and people felt her, and saw her, but no one ever tried to get close.
I had busy-work to do for most of the day and that kept me distracted for a little while. Spending afternoons in Mr. Bradford’s class did nothing but irritate me after all that went on.
He’d left me alone on Wednesday but finally, today, he decided to ask me: “Have you got anything more for your spread on the mermaid?”
“Not really,” I confessed. It was hard to talk to him now. I harbored such confusion on his role in Avery’s life. Was she a mermaid to him? Perhaps a siren?
I mean, Avery needed someone. I’d been watching her for days. It was so easy to just swoop right in and become something to her even if just for a moment. What if Mr. Bradford had done more for her than I did? What if she needed for someone to do that with her, to take control?
And here I was waiting for her to make a move.
I didn’t want to be desperate to see her, desperate to talk, but I was and that killed me inside.
I said I’d be brave. At least, I told myself that.
I was reminded of all of this in Mr. Bradford’s class because he, of all people, constantly reminded me of her.
The whole time I was without her all I could think was: there’s a fine line between being brave and being annoying. I’m afraid I don’t much know how to be either with full force. The last thing I wanted to do was chase her away. But I could lose her just the same by being distant and showing no care.
“You’ve been different lately. Are you okay?” Mr. Bradford’s kind voice sounded lowly in my ear.
He was sweet. He was too sweet. So good at having important conversations in a minimalist fashion. So good at not giving too much away.
I had to remind myself of that man across from Avery at the diner. That man at her house. That man who said things like: I know you want to.
That man should never be my good friend. I shouldn’t let myself be softened by distance from reality and the cheapness of charm.
“I dunno,” I said truthfully. I was a teenager, I didn’t have to explain.
“Well, if you need to talk to someone, I’m always here.”
“I’m fine,” I said, giving a smile. Right after I did it though I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to like him so fucking much. He was the only teacher in the whole place I could originally see having a real friendship with after High School. But all that was gone now, it had to be, for Avery’s sake. It wouldn’t be normal with him until I told him what I knew. I liked her too much to start a fire right now.
I opened my phone and hovered over Avery’s Facebook icon.
It had almost been 2 whole days since we last spoke. I still had the story as an excuse, especially now that Mr. Bradford was asking. I could use that. I opened the message box and sent her a thing.
Olivia: “Busy after school?”
Already I felt desperate. I knew I would but it hurt to know I’d caved so soon. To my surprise she wrote right back.
Avery: “Hey you :)”
What a cutie.
Avery: “I can’t today, I’ve got practice and things are strange with my Mom. I should go home. I’d tell you about it but it’s kind of heavy.”
Olivia: “Oh…”
Maybe I should do a better job at hiding my disappointment. I was probably starting to seem really sad.
Avery: “Are you free last period? You should ditch and hang out. I’ve got drama. I reserved the whole stage...”
I thought about it. She knew so little about me. I wouldn’t even have to ditch. The thought of being alone though. There was only so long I could go without touching her and I just knew I would slip. I was in a certain type of mood today. I hadn’t seen Natalie since that night in the car and Avery’s been so absent after how honest I was. I’m feeling cracked and splintered. Every move I make seems painful and strange. Seeing her now, it does feel dangerous.
Avery: “Come on. Just you and me?”
I was slumped in my chair but I felt the most ridiculous smile cover my face when she begged me. When I looked up from my phone I saw, Mr. Bradford had been watching me.
I gave him a, fuck you sort of look.
Olivia: “Yo
u’re on.”
I picked my bag up off the ground and left class early. I was too pissed at him to be his friend right now and too untrustworthy to be expected to act mean.
I made my way to the drama room and sat down at a picnic table just outside.
The campus was nice when everyone was inside. The sun shone sort of wildly and there was less noise to distract me and make me feel really alone. Odd how being completely surrounded by people can really make me unhappy. It’s almost like I only feel loneliness when there are people nearby. I can only be lost in a crowd. Even then I’m more likely trying to hide.
I pulled out a leather-bound notebook I had filled with staff paper, it was a Christmas gift from my dad, a sort of peace offering after a particularly rough month of him cruelly ignoring me over some whole unnecessary scuffle in his lab.
Instead of being nice, it came off a little mean. He was saying: fine Olivia, you can have music but not science. Science is mine. Please leave it alone.
He’s not so natural with science. Not like me. He just owns it. His focus is off.
The injustice of that is obscene so I do what I have to. I work it out on my own.
All week I’d been working on a new piece on-and-off. It was slow at first before dancing triplets and sweeping crescendos made emotional waves out of sound.
I thought of Avery a lot between measures as I tinkered around, hearing the notes in my head, erasing a note here and moving it there. It was like dancing in a way, only with my mind, and I liked it alone.
It wasn’t done though, it wasn’t right.
Who knows, it maybe never would be.
When the bell finally rang I felt nervous, I wished I’d gotten a drink. I was parched.
But then I saw her see me. I saw her smile and seem shy about that.
That changed everything really. I felt a warm light glowing from deep inside, a light I hadn’t felt since the last time we went out and she touched my hand. Life with Avery was tingles and sparks.
“Hey, you came,” she stared openly.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 9