“Am I okay?!” She was almost yelling at me. “Are you kidding me?! What about you? He was just- just- waiting there?! I couldn’t take it!”
“I know, I know.” I tried to soothe her but her hand pulled out of mine as she spoke. I didn’t want to make her feel trapped but I wanted her to know I was here and it was okay. Oddly, this situation was much better for me now that she had freaked out. I was focused on her and not on Ben.
“We’re fine. We can go up to the room and just chill,” I said. She seemed to deflate a little and I reached out, pulling her body into mine, my lips grazing her forehead. “That was actually pretty impressive. Rage level: eleven,” I chuckled.
“I wasn’t trying to impress you,” she huffed. But I felt her hands on my hoodie pockets, clutching me as she pulled me in.
“I guess it was just a positive side effect then.” I reached around to hug her and her nose grazed along my neck. The elevator doors opened. I hadn’t even noticed the ride. I turned, pulling her with me, only to stop at the sight of someone waiting to go down.
“Oh hey,” I said, releasing Olivia. Skylar and Sarah stood there in their ski clothes, they were obviously ready to go out for the day.
“Is she okay?” Skylar asked. Sarah didn’t look too concerned, more about ready to begin a round-robin of rumors.
“Yeah,” I said, stepping around them. “We’re good thanks. I’m just going to get her back to our room.”
“So much for not being noticed,” I muttered to myself once we were just out of earshot. I kept an arm around Olivia’s shoulders. She’d gone quiet, like all that anger being released had shaken her. We got to the room but I had once again forgotten about the door.
“Did you keep one of the key cards?” She just nodded, tucking her hand into her blazer pocket and digging it out. When she offered me the card, her hands were still shaking. The light blinked green when I inserted it and I pushed the door open, getting her over to one of the beds.
The door clicked closed, leaving us alone. The curtains were drawn, casting darkness through the room. The only light coming in was from around the edges and in one place where the one curtain had caught on the window ledge.
“You wanna lie down?” Caretaker mode was in full swing.
“He’s gonna come here,” she said.
I shook my head and reached down to take her shoes off. “He’s not that dumb.” I wasn’t sure but I didn’t want to freak her out anymore. “He would probably call first or text.” The beating and scare she gave him would probably keep him away. “Even if he did, it would be okay. I’ll just let you beat him up if he tries anything.”
My instinctual humor response to stress was probably less comforting to her than it was to me.
“I know I’m not strong, Avery. That’s not funny.” She slumped her shoulders and laid down on the bed. I watched her turn away from me and curl herself up into a little ball.
“You’re right. It’s not funny.” I toed off my running shoes and slipped onto the bed behind her. “I know I shouldn’t make fun of stuff like that but it’s just how I deal.” I dropped my arm onto her shoulder but stopped there. I wanted her to know I was there but I didn’t want to intrude.
“I’m sorry,” she sighed, pulling my arm around her body. “This was supposed to be easy for you. I made it hard. As soon as I saw him I couldn’t reason.”
“No, you didn’t,” I choked out a laugh. “You actually did me a favor.” Everything she had let out was what I’d been feeling too but for her it came to the surface in the form of anger. Seeing that had been a kind of release. Now, it wouldn’t settle around my heart in a form of poisonous self-hate. “You got mad, defended me. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I just didn’t want it to be the same,” she mumbled sadly. “I didn’t want him to think he could get away with us both pretending nothing happened.”
A knock came at the door.
“Olivia?” The voice through the door was Ben’s. “Avery?” He said my name differently than he said hers.
I jumped up, making my way to the door. My hand curled around the handle, clenching hard. Everything concentrated inside of me until I ripped the door open to find him on the other side. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he hadn’t even showered. I realized, I hadn’t gotten a good look at him before.
He couldn’t possibly think I was going to feel sorry for him. “What do you want,” I sneered.
“I- I don’t even know. I just wanted to see you. Listen, can I come in?” He shifted from one foot to the other, looking down the hall and then back at me.
“No.” I pulled the door close to my body so that there was no gap. “You can stay right there. In fact, you can just leave us alone and just be thankful that I’m not reporting you. Olivia’s right. If you ever, ever try anything like that with ANY girl again and I find out about it you’re fucked.”
His chin quivered and he hung his head. “I didn’t mean to. It just happened. All the times before that we… I guess—”
“NO! I said no and you kept going.” I felt wetness on my face. How was it that I never realized that I was crying until it was happening? “You can’t give me any kind of excuse for that.”
“I know,” he admitted.
“This is how it’s going to be. You’re going to leave us alone. Don’t even speak to either one of us. And you’re going to remember what I said. I never thought I’d have to say these things to you but you’re out of my life.”
After that, I was done. I didn’t even wait for an answer before I slammed the door, leaning against it for a second before I turned. Olivia had been watching me from the bed. “Sorry, I think he’ll leave us alone now.” Her chest was heaving and she began to take her blazer off and then her top.
“I need to get out of these clothes,” she said, distracting me without meaning to.
I made my way back to the bed and sat down on the one opposite where we had just been laying, catching sight of my phone on the night stand. I checked it, seeing that it was dead, just as I’d thought it would be. I grabbed my charger and plugged it in, not even wanting to turn it on to see what kind of messages Ben had left me.
I watched her move around the room, collecting clothes from her suitcase. She went to the bathroom and started to change. I could see through the crack in the door. She was drawing back, going into herself. I didn’t know what to say. She did this sometimes and I didn’t know if I should let her be or try to coax her out. Our relationship was so new.
She came back in a knee length purple dress with an oatmeal colored cardigan over it. She was pretty and elegant, already. I could only imagine her at thirty. I looked down at my own clothes. I lived in workout gear or jeans. Nothing like her fashion sense. We were so different but that made it better.
“I’m not going outside,” she said. But that was obvious. “I just can’t stay in here. You can’t let me hide.”
“I’m not leaving you,” I insisted. “You’re worrying me right now.”
“Avery. I’ll be fine.”
I looked down. There wasn’t anywhere I wanted to go without her. Going out meant leaving her and having to talk to everyone else. It wouldn’t be fun.
“I know you’ll be fine but I still don’t want to go without you. I can hang out too. Unless you’d rather be alone.” I dropped my head, looking up at her through the hair that fell in my face.
“I’d rather be someone who doesn’t fuck up your life.”
“Woah,” I put my hands up, reaching for her but she stepped away. “You’re not. How could you think that? There’s no way in which you’ve fucked up my life. You made it better. You gave me a bright spot.”
“I don’t feel good,” she said grumpily. “I need to eat something. Can we please just go?”
“Sure,” I said, shaking my head. The girl was a mystery. “Just let me change and we can go down to the restaurant.” It had a view of the slopes, something I hoped would cheer us both up.
“Ready?” I finished tying my shoe and stood up. She was waiting, leaning on the wall beside the bathroom. “Vi?”
“Sorry,” she said, shaking her head. She looked like she’d been daydreaming only I knew because of the glow in her cheeks that she’d been watching me.
I brushed past her, shoving the keycard in my back pocket. She followed me and we went back down the hall to the elevator. I prayed that Ben was long gone and that we wouldn’t run into him for a while. We would have to see him but I knew right now was the worst time. Between my growing need to kick him and Olivia’s internal struggle over her outburst we probably needed to steer clear.
We rode the elevator down in silence, standing next to one another in the car. The non-classy pub restaurant was on the other side of the lobby. We’d passed it when we came in. It was nice but not too fancy. It was lunch time so there were a lot of people there. I walked up to the hostess stand and checked in.
“How many,” the girl asked.
“Just two,” I answered and looked back at Olivia. “Oh, can we sit by the windows?”
I pointed over at the floor to ceiling windows that spanned one side of the dining room. We could see the skiers from there and the landscape. Plus, it was more private.
“Right this way,” she said, leading us over. The table was a small one in the corner. There were four chairs and I took the one on the far side that backed up to a post. It was right by the window so I could look out.
She sat down opposite me, looking sullen and withdrawn. I wasn’t sure how long I should let her do this. It wasn’t good and being the one who was doing okay in this situation was kind of freaking me out. “Hey, you in there?”
Her head snapped up and she looked across the table. The look on her face scared me a little.
“I’m here,” she nodded but then she let out a sigh and turned her head so that she was looking out at the sky and the white.
I somehow doubted that she was fully with me. That look, it was so far away and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to reach her. Maybe if I just let it go she would come around but that little spring of fear bubbled up inside. As strong as she thought I was, that’s how fragile I felt.
Chapter Thirty-One
Olivia
“I know I said I was hungry,” I cleared my throat and turned back to look at her. My eyes felt shaky and filled with water. My throat tickled in a bad way like I’d eaten something hard and it cut me or something but I knew that wasn’t true.
Because of anger, my heart sped. It hurt a little, like a broken motor banging on an even weaker casing.
“What is it?” Avery asked. She was too good to me, too loyal.
What I really needed was to freak the hell out but she refused to let me be alone and if I just left she would think it was her fault or something she did and that wouldn’t be the case.
If this was the olden days I’d find Nat. I couldn’t do that anymore, not without hurting Avery. I couldn’t just go find someone and make them attack me, ask them to take me down.
The worst part was, I wasn’t even sure if Avery understood that I sort of wanted what Nat physically gave. To me I wasn’t punishing myself. I needed release. After Nat was done with me I did feel relief.
“I need to do something,” I said. “I’m not okay.”
I was sitting still though, so still.
There was no way for her to see what was happening to me.
“Like what?”
I looked down at the table cloth and tried to think of what to say.
We were being so good at being honest. I didn’t want to lie, didn’t want to mess everything up.
“Something… Physical.” I said. My eyes swam up to meet hers. I wasn’t sure if I should leave or just warn her.
“You mean that kind of physical?” She gestured with her hands.
“I mean, if I was at home, and I wasn’t in love with you, right now, I’d go find Nat.”
Her face darkened. “So, I'm. Supposed to be like her now?”
“No way,” I said. “You could never. And that’s a good thing.”
I picked up my water and drank it down as slowly as I possibly could. My hand was shaking and I noticed. The cool water ran down my throat quickly. Still, I felt that I was gulping. I felt the room pulsing and hot and I didn’t belong in it, especially not with her.
Avery was everything good and I was far from that. I couldn’t control myself.
All I had to do was control myself. That’s all I had to do and I kept losing at that. Even on the way to the lodge yesterday I almost pulled over and turned left just for the thrill of not knowing where I’d be going or who I could be wherever I went.
I felt Avery’s eyes on me, watching me. I more than frightened her. But, momentarily, she captured me, kept me with her.
“Do you want to go back upstairs?” The question held a clear sexual suggestion.
“I do,” I spoke honestly but I couldn’t tell if she was mad. I wanted her hands all over me now. I wanted her to take away all this confusion, to shut me up inside and out, to overcome me. I wanted to surrender to her.
“Then let's go,” she said decidedly.
“But what if—” My answer was yes but I was scared of what I’d do. I had so much I could ruin. What if she didn’t like me like this? What if I was wrong? What if I hurt her by wanting?
“Let's go,” she cut me off.
I felt her take my hand and lead me up. She was leading me out of the restaurant and back down the hall.
She was fast but not fast enough.
As we got into the lift I felt the room getting longer. I knew I was just freaking out. It was just moving and I was dizzy. I was thinking wrong that was all.
“What’s wrong,” she grew closer, her other hand on my back.
“I want out of here,” I said. But I didn’t mean the room, not really, nor the hotel, nor the trip. It was my head I wanted out of. Often times I felt so trapped. This was a panic attack coming on. I tried my best to push it down.
The elevator door opened and I pushed myself out, my feet catching me in a light jog as I made my way to the room and slammed my hands down onto the door.
“Let me,” she said. I felt her body behind mine, pushing into me. She stuck her key in the slot and the door opened magically. My whole body pushed against it but I was partly led by Avery pushing me to get in. I fell into the room and immediately spun around, pushing her back on the door as it slammed behind her back and I kissed her hungrily, needily, like I meant to kiss her in the morning but couldn’t do.
“Mmmm,” she hummed into me as I pressed her. It was like the other time when I wasn’t supposed to do it only ten times better. Her arms held mine tight. She was trying to settle me.
“Undress me,” I said, pulling my shoes off and then kissing her again.
“Calm down, I’m on it.” I heard her speak but she’d already taken off my cardigan and her hands were unzipping the back of my dress. Her tone was one of warning. I didn’t want to be warned, I wanted to already be fucked by her. I wanted her to take me against the wall. I wanted for her to know me already but she couldn’t. How could she know?
Her hands hurried but she was very gentle still or maybe just good. I felt her leading my dress off and pushing my underwear down. When she stood up again I took my hands to her pants and tugged before pushing her back into the door with my whole body. I wanted them off but I wouldn’t do it. If she wanted me touching her she’d ask. It was simple as that.
“Touch me,” I said. “Please touch me.” Every second where she didn’t was fully-realized agony in my mind.
She moved her hands to my bra strap to try and lead it off but I was too frustrated for foreplay
, I needed her inside me and I needed her now.
“No,” I said. “Here,” I pulled one of her hands to touch me where I was wet. Right away she slid inside. I felt her fingers push in and my air got knocked out of me.
I was suddenly so focused on the feeling of her inside. I could finally fucking breathe.
“Is this what you want?” She asked. She pushed me back against the side wall with her whole body, being a little more aggressive and making me smile.
“Yes,” I smiled breathlessly, relief painting me. Her fingers pushed inside me again and she used her shoulder to pin me back as she rose up on her toes for leverage, her body was basically climbing up onto mine every time she pushed me inside. I smelled her everywhere and loved every second of her trapping me. “That’s so good baby,” I whispered, air leaving me. Her fingers pushed hard as I gasped. My leg wrapped around her back as I held her about the neck with my arm, like a child hanging on to her parent afraid she might fall.
I felt her use her other hand to help me get my other leg up.
“Hold on,” she said, pushing up into me again until the world went black and I gasped even louder. I was coming back into myself.
“Fuck me,” I begged. “Please,” I was completely on her now, clinging on while her whole body held mine and she damaged me because I asked her too.
“You sure?” she asked, probably too scared she was going to hurt me.
“Please,” I begged again. And I felt as she obeyed and let herself attack me a bit harder.
A long fragmented gasp escaped me. She was so good at pacing. When she pulled out I had no time to gasp and when she pushed in I had no time to stop myself gasping. In the end I was just continually making sounds without being able to breathe.
I was almost there and this wasn’t bad or wrong or one-sided. At least, I didn’t know how she could see it that way.
I held on for dear life, my mouth close to her ear as she loosened me and built me to pop.
“I like you like this,” she smiled. Through the pleasure, I found myself laughing a bit.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 23