The doors opened and I stepped on, getting in the back of the elevator, pulling her in closer. I wanted to see if this would help or hurt. To let her know that I always wanted her close to me, was easy. Calm started to take away my anxiety but my anxiety was still there knocking on the back of my mind, waiting to send me into a frenzy. She was right. I could jump off a building right now and be happy for the thrill of it before I hit the bottom.
Maybe there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t think about it right now. I just tried to let my love sink into her and support her while she stood quietly thinking. The doors opened and we took off down the hall. I measured my steps so that I was slower. The problem came when all that energy started bouncing around in me and I felt like taking off and flying.
At our room she opened the door and I followed her in, still quiet, still waiting. I let go of her hand and threw myself onto the bed, spread eagled, smiling despite the weird feelings coming at me. I wanted to let her speak on her own time and in her own terms. My wants and needs could come secondary to hers right now. My lips moved in a silent mantra of calm, calm, calm.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Olivia
An unsettling feeling hit me down there at the pool as we were about to make our way back up: The trip was almost over.
It was a stupid thought…
It ran right into me at full force and rattled my brain.
For the past few days Avery and I had been practically living together but soon we’d be forced to go home and live in separate rooms away from each other.
It wouldn’t be the same.
Avery was being so sweet. She’d become so excited about us.
It scared me how much she was sharing, how much she seemed to be into our love.
Our love…
Even thinking that sentence feels weird.
Skyler was right… We were taking things fast.
But that wasn’t what scared me, not really. What scared me was the thought that maybe to Avery it was actually some trick. What if she thought she knew me, thought she loved me, but she really didn’t? It’d be easy to love me right now not knowing me. I’ve often been told I hold my cards up close to my chest. That’s deliberate. In a lot of ways life is an unpredictable game.
That book had stirred me up too much and now I was freaking out, feeling solitary even though she was here.
“Keep your suit on,” I said. “But dress warm. I think I know what we can do.”
I’d done a lot of things in the area but there was something great just a little ways out of town. I could see Avery loving it. Just that thought made me smile.
I moved to my suitcase and pulled out a thick pair of light-wash jeans and warm thick socks to wear on the small hike we’d need to do in order to get there.
The normal roads and mountain-scapes weren’t as bogged down with snow as the slopes were. I was sure, given the season, the trail wouldn’t be too hard and I’d surely manage fine. I was tired but it wasn’t a terribly strenuous hike and the payoff would be obvious once I saw Avery’s face.
I was sure Avery could manage it even if it was covered in 6 feet of snow and in blizzard conditions on the coldest of all cold cold days while having to carry 17 little babies and tend to a an obdurate mule. The energy she could harness astounded me. I only wished I could come close to having a tiny bit of that control. All my energy was constantly spent thinking. It was a stupid way to try and relax oneself; a devil’s cycle, one might say.
I pulled an oversized white sweater on over my plane black bikini and wondered if I’d need a coat too.
“What’s it like out there?” I asked. “Do you think I need a jacket?”
She’d been lying on the bed and screwing around all adorably.
Sometimes I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to attack her. Truth was, I always wanted to attack her, I had to physically stop myself from wanting that all of the time. It was quite a chore. A delicious one.
It was easier to think in business terms. You may think you know what someone wants but unless they give you a sign it’s smart to wait for them to ask.
She checked her phone, flipping through screens. “Definitely need a jacket,” she said. She threw her phone back on the bed and propped herself up on her elbows. “Do me a favor?” She smiled sweetly.
“Hmm?” I still wasn’t quite sure if I should be excited or worried about the things she wanted to tell me.
“Come here for a sec,” she requested. She watched me mull it over with obvious intrigue and stubborn resistance.
“K,” I said, obliging in the end. It was hard to keep myself from smiling but I tried since it was fun to play with her.
As soon as I got close she leaned up. “Come closer, please.” I did, leaning over a little and she reached up, pulling my face down to speak.
“I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours but don’t doubt.” Then, she kissed me. Not like she wanted to have her way with me but just a kiss sourced from love.
I felt my instincts begging me to just crawl up ontop of her and convince her that leaving this room ever would just be complete tomfoolery. Leaving this room now, leaving this room tomorrow. Why couldn’t we just stay forever? Why couldn’t we just always be alone?
Instead of letting my body lead me, I let my head do the controlling. I pulled back reluctantly. My eyes closed. I was still feeling that kiss even though it was long gone, somewhere off in the bliss of the past. With strength I held on, as if trying to lead it back into existence again with intense focus.
I finally let it go.
“I’m not doubting you baby,” I appeased solemnly, pulling away from her gently and walking off to get my things.
She couldn’t understand what it meant for me… To go back home…
All drama aside, this week had been an absolute dream. I had someone with me the whole time. Someone who actually wanted to know me and just be with me. That was all new.
I got my jacket and dropped it on the other bed near Avery’s stuff. Besides kissing me and being lovely she hadn’t yet moved.
She kept insisting we change settings, change gears. I wasn’t used to this sort of way of being. I liked sitting in one spot all day. I liked devoting myself to just one project at a time and reveling in it until the time felt right to do something else and be somewhere else.
I needed time.
Lately with Avery, as soon as I got comfortable she’d want me to move.
Worst part of it all, I wasn’t sure how to talk to her about this. I would much rather she get her energy out and then come back to me when she was ready to be with me as me.
I know that’s bad though. That’s a bad thing to want.
I should want her every way. Hyper included.
I should want her crazy and sad. And I do. It’s just complicated.
She just has a lot more energy than I do. All the time, more energy.
Often I get like this where I can be alone for hours and be happy about that. And with Avery I do ache when she’s away but I also think it’s normal for me to ache and I need to allot time for that, time to let myself ache in private so I don’t screw things up, time to calm down and reflect on my world so I don’t run her away.
I don’t want to trouble her with my moods.
I definitely do trouble her with them though. I always trouble her.
“Hey,” she called to me from the bed. “You know we really don’t have to go anywhere. Seriously.”
“Come on,” I said, motioning her to come to the second bed and find something to wear in her many things.
“Yes ma’am,” she replied. “I like the sound of that,” she muttered under her breath.
I smiled awkwardly and scratched my head. Secretly I was happy we didn’t need to take showers. I definitely wouldn’t leave this room if she got me naked again. That was for damn sure.
She lay across the bed and hung her head down, going through her bag like a child would and it made me laugh.
/> “Avery!” I whined through pained laughter. “I already told you, I’m starving. Can you please—” I gestured to the clothes and the way she was being. I shook my hands out in front of her as if they had water on them and I was shaking them off. “Just go a little bit faster,” I finally made it out in actual words.
“Yep,” came the reply, muffled from her speaking into the side of the bed. She fished out a Navy t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and a pair of hiking pants. “Be with you in a jiffy.” She went about dressing. “Who says jiffy anymore?” She was talking to herself.
“Just you, sweetie,” I sighed and I waited.
She tugged her reddish hiking boots on and jumped up, trotting over to me and putting an arm around me, swinging us both a little bit as she reached past and grabbed her jacket from the hanger in the laundry alcove.
She slipped it on and adjusted it, pulling the collar out and zipping it up. “Reporting for duty,” she said, saluting.
“Stop being cute,” I stared, teasing her with meanness.
“Aye, aye, Ma’am.” She pulled her features into a stern expression. Her serious face was my favorite face. Sometimes I wondered if she knew...
Right now I was happy. She was ready. We could go.
I filled a handy string backpack with two clean towels and I pulled Avery along to leave with me.
“Now, who’s the impatient one,” she said as we left, the door closing behind us.
“Just starving,” I reminded, my tone going up in pitch like my words were a pretty song instead of a pain to let out.
I pulled her into the elevator and exhaled once the doors were closed.
Being next to her was everything.
Even in these moods of mine.
Even when I couldn’t stop thinking of the impending parting we’d be having to do. The separate homes. The separate classes. The separate beds.
I stood next to her stoically and waited for the doors to open again.
“Let’s get you fed before I start looking like a plate of foie gras or something and you eat me in the not sexy way.”
“Foie Gras looks like cat food,” I laughed. There was nothing appealing about that.
“Yeah, my point exactly. You’re hungry enough to eat something that looks like that.” That was not her point. I gave her a sardonic gaze.
The doors opened and I pulled her to follow me.
“Believe me,” I said. “You always look scrumptious. If I had my choice, really, we’d never ever leave the room.”
I realized a little too late that I probably shouldn't have said that outloud. But then I remembered I’d said it before. She rarely listened. Her urges were too varied. They were probably a lot healthier than mine. I’d love to completely drown in her, spend an entire week cocooned in her presence, no food, no clothes, no words…
I gulped down that truth and kept it inside. I was thirsty.
“Um, we’re not even out of the building yet.” She turned back toward the elevator. “We can solve this right now. Well, right now for about five hours.”
“Uh-uh,” I said, reaching back and grabbing her hand to get her to follow me again. “We’re going.”
I pulled her outside with me and gave my ticket to the valet.
We waited in near silence for the car to arrive.
When it finally did I was relieved.
“Get in,” I ordered, walking around and tipping the attendant.
As soon as I got in the car I felt a little less crazy. Broadway songs were playing on my stereo and I turned them up, immediately taken in by some lyrics I knew very well.
I spun the car down the drive and turned out onto the main road just as I’d done many times before just not on this trip.
I knew there was a McDonalds on the corner. I wasn’t a fan but it’d do alright.
I kept on thinking about Tengo and Aomame, the characters in my book. They were both so sad. Always longing for something just off in the distance, something they knew they’d always be wanting.
I let my voice sing the way it wanted to sing as my thoughts ran away with me.
“I didn’t know you liked musicals,” Avery said.
“What? Really?” That snapped me out of my head.
How could she not know that?
It’d been Aida, the musical playing. The song was: Written in the Stars. I loved it so much. Such a sad love story…
I realized I had probably been singing my heart out without even noticing.
“I told you I watched Glee,” I said, turning the sound down just a bit. Plus, I play the piano… Of course I like musicals...
I wondered what she thought of it. Maybe she didn’t like it? Maybe I was actually embarrassing.
I pulled into the drive-thru line at the McDonalds and waited behind a few cars. The music played on and for once I didn’t sing.
“No, I like it. Musicals are cool. I love them.” She reached over and took my hand. “Remember, I do theater.” She chuckled and watched me.
“Oh,” I said meekly, my smile rising.
I needed to get out of my head.
Food would help.
I pulled the car up to the speaker and ordered a meal.
“Want anything?” I asked.
“You,” she said low and pointed. “Sure, just a fish sandwich.” Her voice went back to normal volume.
“I thought you didn’t like fish,” I laughed.
“This is the only time I do. There’s something about their fish sandwiches and they only have them every once in awhile. So, that’s when I get them. I have a feeling it’s not real honest fish anyway. More like the kind of stuff they feed to five year olds to get them to eat fish.”
Sometimes it really felt like she was testing me. I ordered her meal before wanting to speak again.
“There is a lot of really good seafood out there,” I said. She was really missing out on limiting herself to fried nothingness masquerading as cod.
She wrinkled her nose and made a yucky noise. “I had sushi once. And only once. Never again.”
“I’m gonna change you,” I smiled. Sushi was one of those things that people thought they hated until someone got a hold of them and took them out right.
“You already have but even you can’t make me like raw fish.”
“I never said the fish would be raw.”
“Still, I’ll take that bet. If you get me to eat sushi, let alone like it, I’ll never question you again.”
“That’d be easy though. All I’d have to do is withhold sex.”
“Excuse me?” Her voice raised and she looked over wide eyed. “That’s just such an evil bitch move.” She looked scared. “That’s like taking away my water supply.”
I laughed as the car in front of me FINALLY moved.
It was funny to feel Avery possibly mortified by my side. I never knew the thought of losing sex with me would leave that much of an impact. At least I knew which of her buttons to push.
When we finally got our food I handed it all to her and drove us to a corner spot where I could temporarily park. Avery was smiling. That’s all I really cared about now. Her smile was so addicting. It was hard not to feel like the world was shining on me when she looked like that right by my side.
She unwrapped my burger for me and handed it to me all prepped and neat.
I took it in my hands and tasted a small bite just to remind my body that I would be eating now.
“Hey,” I said, distracted by how cute she was. “Would it be weird of me to ask you to drive? I’m kind of tired today and I’d really love to be lazy and stare out the windows on the way up.”
Or look at you… I wanted to say…
I could never get enough of seeing her. Seeing her happy like this was so very new. It’s like I never knew before how beautiful she actually was. Every time I thought she couldn’t become more attractive she somehow did. Happy Avery made me feel strange inside. I felt responsible somehow for how she felt right now. Those thoughts were conflicting. They made
me wonder if she was happy like this before. That thought made me sad. I didn't like to feel so responsible. I didn’t like to think that without me here her smile may never be as bright as it’d been today as it shined on me and others, taking my breath away and making me know how real this all is.
Avery shrugged. “Yeah, no problem.” She unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door. I followed her actions and did the same.
Neither of us got out though, we just kept eating and listening to the silly songs. We waited til we were done to finally switch.
On the drive up the mountain it was just like a dream.
Avery was really good at driving my car and she looked damn good doing it.
I was fully aware that she had no idea how good she looked.
“You keep looking at me,” she said.
“I like you driving my car,” I said, staring.
“I like driving your car.” She smiled, turning, a little drunk with the power of a V6. “My car sucks compared to this one.” She was speeding, but totally in control. It was more than hot.
I drank my sorry excuse for unsweetened tea with lemon and I turned my body against the door, tucking my knees up into myself, so I could be facing her head-on and just watching her unabashedly.
“I don’t even know where I’m going, ya know?”
“I know,” I said, drinking her in.
Times like this I relished in our distance. I was only a few feet away from her now but I could feel how nice and easy it would be to slip over and kiss her. I relished in knowing I could do that. I relished in knowing soon she’d be touching me again.
For now, just seeing her was a gift.
Happy Avery was a hard force to miss. She was driving my car with her strong hands, no worry, no pain, no extra thoughts bogging her down. She looked free today, so free. I loved her for this.
Behind her, out the window, was nothing but sky. It was like we were climbing up into the nothingness of space. Like eventually we’d break the atmosphere and just be floating. We’d hear a loud bang but somehow it’d be magic.
I loved thinking of being able to keep her this way.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 34