by James, Ella
He looks nothing like the Kellan I know. This one looks exultant. Free.
My prideful thoughts must echo through the ether, because a moment later, he grabs me by my hair and jerks his dick out of my mouth.
I sit up and wipe my chin. I’m so wet right now, I can feel it dripping down my legs. My cunt feels full and swollen, heavy. Empty. I can’t even draw a full breath.
He blinks, looking shell-shocked. Maybe because I’m about to ask him to help me come, the harsh look on his face feels like a slap.
I know something is wrong when he fumbles to his feet and turns his back without meeting my eyes. He starts to pull his clothes on, moving quickly but clumsily, like someone trying to flee a one-night stand.
How embarrassing. Insulting. Rude.
I shift a little, so the fabric of my ripped leggings isn’t pressing against my swollen, clit. It’s still throbbing. I lick my lips. My mouth still tastes like him. Is that the problem? That I swallowed? I thought guys liked that. It hits me that I’ve done it for him twice now.
I put my hand over my chest and watch his back and shoulders ripple as he pulls his pants on. I take a few deep breaths and try my best to forget about my throbbing pussy.
Fuck his moods. I gave him a blow job because I wanted to. I was in control.
Why did I want to? Why did I enjoy it so much? Because... I feel this weird regard for him. An inexplicable... not fondness exactly. More like interest. I’m so damn interested in this guy. So attracted to him. So when I saw the chance, I guess I wanted to make him come undone. Not even want—I needed it. I don’t know why he stokes such strange feelings in me, but I’m not going regret it now.
I remind myself that just before this, he was the one initiating things in the stock room. What was so wrong with me doing the same?
Doubts whirl through my head. I shut them down as I sit on my heels. I gave a fabulous blow job—no question about it. The way he jerked and writhed... the way his cockhead leaked a river... All those dirty words... the mindless moans. There is no denying it. He wanted what I gave him.
I want to hold out judgment, give him a few more minutes to collect himself and start acting normal again, but as he puts his shoes back on, I feel fury. Spurned fury, born of the embarrassment I just can’t shake.
Did I read that wrong?
Is he sending mixed signals?
I thought half the point of this ridiculous acquaintanceship was messing around. Is Kellan some kind of blowjob hater?
The back of his biceps ripple as he gets the last boot on his foot. He straightens up, and my stomach curls into a little ball as he turns around to face me. I can tell he’s trying to keep neutral, but his features are taut. Troubled.
I can’t stand it, so I look down at the floor. I spot the remainder of the bud I plucked and scoop it up. It’s a little nugget: no longer than my pinkie.
I drag my thumb over it, then find the nerve to hold it out to Kellan. He blinks down at it. He looks pissed off. No—he doesn’t. His mouth twists, and I think that he looks desperately unhappy.
I curl my hand around the bud. He watches me without a word, without a breath.
I try to read his face, and when I can’t, I feel the weight of everything I don’t know about him. My heart is pounding as I whisper, “Why do you do this, Kellan?”
“Why do you?”
“I asked you first.”
“I have a lot of reasons.” He blinks. His handsome face is now on lockdown.
“Name one.”
He shrugs, the motion quick and angry. “It should be legal. As medicine, for recreation. I give it to people who need it.”
“You mean like people with ailments? Chemo patients and...whoever else?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a lot of people like that on your list? People who use it as medicine?”
He shifts his eyes away from me, then back. He locks his jaw, then holds my gaze for a long moment. “I sell so I can give it to the med patients for free.”
“So you’re like Robin Hood.” I look at his stark face, trying to find the kindness that I know is there. “How many of those patients do you have?”
“A lot.” He sighs and rubs his brow, as if he has a headache.
I nod slowly, wishing I knew him well enough to ask what’s wrong right now and get an honest answer.
His brows lift. “You disapprove?”
“No—I’m...surprised. Impressed, I guess.” I stroke a fingertip over the nugget in my hand. “I used to want to be a nurse, but I was afraid hospitals would remind me too much of my dad and sister.”
I watch his shoulders lift with one deep breath. He lets it out—and then his hands curl into fists.
“Let’s get out of here, Cleo.”
His voice is bitter.
I have no idea why.
Chapter Twenty
Kellan
This is not going as planned.
It’s not Cleo’s fault. It’s mine.
I’m not doing this right. Maybe I can’t.
I can.
I just have to focus. Like now. I’m driving. She’s beside me. I don’t need to talk to her. I haven’t since we left Pecan, and why should I? The only way Cleo is different than the last girl hanging from my ropes is that there are more rules—for me. She’s not one of my submissives, but I think I could work her into that role. As a stand-in, anyway.
I would love to break her down and make her mine. I would love to see her tanned skin marked. I’m hard just picturing her round ass in the air, her blushing cheeks against my sheets. The way her shoulder blades would draw together when I pull her arms behind her back and bind them at the wrists.
I want my cock to live inside her throat. Inside her cunt. Inside her ass. I bet she would feel good from behind. She’s not a virgin but I’m guessing no one’s been inside her ass. These Southern girls don’t always go for that. Something about the Bible and sodomy, I think. Fucking literal interpretation if you ask me, but who would?
Cleo shifts in her seat. Can she feel my dirty thoughts? I almost hope she can.
But there’s the rub. I need to refrain from lusting after her until it’s time to get my rope out. I need to think of her as Cleo, possible business partner, until the need for her body becomes too great. I won’t let myself think of her sweet pussy until we’re walking up the stairs. Every other moment, it’s just business.
I don’t need her to be funny. I don’t need her to be kind. I don’t even need her to learn the logistics of stock and delivery—not really. When I go, I’ll shut down the import part of my little supply chain, as well as the smaller grow house on LaMont. The Pecan house is all she and Manning will need to continue turning enough profit to supply my VIP clients—the ones with medical needs—and pay themselves enough to make it worth their while. I know it won’t go on forever. I’ve got a plan for checking in on things, for discerning when Manning is ready to stop without asking him directly.
My hope for Cleo is that she can be the face of my enterprise for the VIPs and help Manning when he needs her—while padding her pocket book, of course. I’ll put Matt in charge of all the dealers. I’ve already started laying groundwork for that, although I haven’t told him. I won’t until it’s almost time for me to leave.
Cleo starts to hum.
My fingers twitch over the volume key on my steering wheel. This girl is all about the questions. I don’t want to answer any, so I let her hum “Friend of the Devil” without mentioning it’s one of my favorite Dead songs.
I think of Truman back at the Pecan house and I grit my teeth. I should have brought him with us. Manning doesn’t want a dog, and Cleo was ready to write songs about him. Tomorrow maybe. I couldn’t do it today. I don’t know why. It doesn’t matter.
I inhale deeply, working hard to keep my chest from rising with the effort. I may be unraveling, but I can fix it so Cleo never knows. I can keep my thirsts and all my pains a secret.
Three weeks. We said three weeks, but I may make
it less. I may leave early. It wouldn’t hurt her. Nothing about my situation will touch her. I make that promise to myself as I park the Escalade beside a pear tree and kill the engine. Midday sunlight streaks in through the windshield, playing over Cleo’s heart-shaped face. After a minute of sitting there in silence, she casts her eyes to mine.
“Are you going to be this way the whole time I’m here?”
“What way?”
She lifts her brows. “A moody prick.”
My mouth twitches. It wants to bloom into a smile. I clamp my lips down, giving her a stern look. “You think I’m a moody prick?”
She shrugs. “I think you’re hot and cold. You say you’re going to protect me, we get high and mess around, and then you just ignore me? That’s annoying. I don’t want a boyfriend, Kellan, but if we’re going to mess around, you’ve gotta at least be cordial. I’m not that hard up for money, you know?”
So if I keep being “hot and cold,” she’ll leave. That’s what she’s saying.
I suck air in. Blow it out. “Fine.”
“Fine?” she echoes. She’s looking at me as if I have three heads. “What the hell does ‘fine’ mean?”
“It means fine. I’ll keep it lukewarm, just for you.”
She rolls her eyes. “Perfect.”
I pop the knuckles of my left hand, enjoying the dull throb. “For the record...you look good choked on my cock.” Too fucking good. I don’t blow down any woman’s throat. I seem to break that rule every time she puts her lips around my dick. I can’t let it happen again.
She quirks one elegant brow. “Well, as long as there’s that.” She rolls her eyes—but Cleo doesn’t get it. I haven’t accepted a blow job on a whim since I left USC in January 2011. Gillian came to see me in New York, but...
I shake my head. “It won’t happen again like that. I don’t get high,” I tell her, forcing myself to meet her eyes. They’re crystalline green—a color that I’ve hardly ever seen except on her. “I initiate what we do,” I add. “Every time.”
She shrugs. “Unless you don’t.”
“You want to get your pussy paddled?” The words spill from my lips as my dick stiffens.
“I don’t not want to.” She locks her jaw. Her eyes on mine are steely. Challenging.
Fuck me. “No?”
She thrusts her lower lip out. Fucking minx.
I breathe so deeply, I can feel my nostrils flare. “Do you want to get your pussy paddled, Cleo?”
“I don’t care.” Her eyes are emeralds; I can see the twinkle of rebellion there.
“Are you sure about that?”
The corner of her mouth wavers. Then she nods.
“Get out of the car then, Cleo. Go inside and wait up in your room.”
* * *
Cleo
This is what we’re doing, then. I don’t know what. I don’t know what it’s called, but I can feel it taking shape inside me: something dangerous and beautiful.
I walk slowly up the stairs. I want to hear his footsteps, but the house is quiet and empty.
He told me to lie face down on the bed and take my leggings down. I spend a moment in the room, and then I go out on the balcony.
It’s a windy day. The treetops sway slowly. Pine bristles tremble with orchestral restraint. All around their roots, the river spills—an open vein. The rushing water hurts my ears, like someone turned the volume too loud.
I wait for him with my hands on the cold stone railing. I daydream him behind me. The way he will scoop me up. Throw me over his shoulders. Take me to the bed.
I didn’t plan on this. I didn’t plan for how exciting things would be with him.
I hear him moving—really there now. I can’t breathe. He grabs my elbows. I am whirled around. His face is cold and hard. I try to match his look.
“You’re a defiant girl, Cleo. It’s time for you to get your due.”
“What’s that?” I ask, smiling naughtily.
“I’ll show you.” His low voice is strained. His cock is bulging in his slacks. I smile wider.
With his hands around my elbows, he pulls me down to the cement balcony. He urges me onto my hands. He yanks my tattered leggings down, pulling so hard they get stuck on my boots.
My stomach twists as I remember when he tore them. Then he smacks my ass—so hard I yelp. I rock forward on my arms.
“That’s for making me come down your throat.”
“What?” I snap.
He smacks my ass again.
“Ungrateful bastard!”
He hits me again.
“You loved that! I could—”
Again. I screech.
He hits me one more time, then growls, “What’s your safe word?”
“Hit me again,” I taunt. I look over my shoulder, at his poised palm. Little bolts of glee race through me. My ass stings bad. My heart is racing. I think I kind of love making him growl.
“Pick a safe word.” He sounds strained, as if pausing in mid-air like that is costing him. “One word to stop things—if it gets too much.”
He slaps my ass again, and I pant.
“Safe word?” he prods.
“Sloth.”
“What?”
“Sloth. My word is sloth, asshole.”
I wag my ass a little. It burns like hell, but I am ready for his hand. This fucked up game—I’m in. I fucking adore making him react.
A drama queen, a needy little girl: that’s what I was always called. I guess I am.
“Too scared?” I ask over my shoulder.
The breeze blows a strand of hair into my eyes. I look behind me.
No one’s there.
Part II
“Once you start to live outside yourself, it’s all dangerous.” -Ernest Hemingway
Chapter One
Kellan
September 18, 2011
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I hold my forehead as the words spill through my brain. I wrap my other hand around the waist of my pants, keeping them from sagging.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
My hollow head and frenzied breathing keep out most of what’s around me. I cling to the details I need. I’m in an elevator, going down. I don’t have shoes.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
Is my jacket zipped? I look down.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I need to zip it. Can’t. I tuck its flaps together. Then I shove my hands under my arms and try to tamp my breathing down.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
The elevator lurches to a stop. My elbow bumps the mirrored wall. Too suddenly, the doors swish open, revealing a glossy, glass-ceilinged lobby. My insides are dead to the familiar sounds and colors. Even the novel sight of people wearing jeans and sweaters, laughing and chatting, ignites no feeling in me.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I try to quiet my gasping breaths. No dice. When the elevator bounces like the door’s about to shut, I step onto the glossy tile.
My feet.
“Oh, FUCK.”
For a minute, I forgot. I step from one foot to the other, trying to escape the pain. I grit my teeth so hard I hear a crack. I groan.
I start to walk.
There’s a row of glass doors over on my left, past the information desks. I tuck my chin against my chest and shuffle toward them. My tongue finds the fault line on my tooth and traces up and down.
When I get through one of the glass doors, into the building’s entry corridor, I’m forced to stop. Pain laps up my calves like streaks of fire. My breathing is so loud, a couple coming through the doors stops to stare. The woman
reaches for me, but her husband yanks her arm down.
“Come on, Anslee...”
Good. I don’t need anybody recognizing me. Thinking of me makes me think of him. I squeeze my eyes shut.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I use my shoulder to push through the next door and keep my hands pulled close to my body.
The moment that I step outside is indescribable. The sunlight is so white, the air electric. I forgot the stench of smog. It reaches into my throat, filling my nose with the memory of living. My lungs deflate. My eyes blur as I watch cars file by. Taxis line up by the curb, and people—out, then in. People on the sidewalk. So much movement. Adjusting a hair band, sipping coffee, unzipping a purse.
Purpose and intention. Both feel sharp.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I disappear into the crowd, moving east. I’ve thought about this so many times, I know where I’m going, despite my current state.
I pull the jagged air into my lungs. Cement is cold beneath my aching feet. I pull my jacket closer.
I’m trying to move fast, but I’m so unsteady. People stare at me—of course they do. I look fresh out of a war zone.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
My mind swims: drinking in the chaos of Manhattan; reliving what just happened. I can’t believe I’m really out here. Christ, I’m almost scared.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I glance up the street and back behind me, looking for... what? A police officer? A frantic civilian?
One foot in front of the other... Keep on moving, Kellan. My lungs make a sound like tissue paper. The inside of my nose and throat is raw—raw and so painful, I’m starting to tremble and sweat.
It can’t be true. It isn’t true. It can’t be true.
I think of what I’m running from. A moan escapes. A woman in front of me turns to look at me. Her eyes widen. She spins around, lengthens her strides.