by Holly Martin
‘So, Elliot says hi,’ Isla said.
She’d brought Elliot to Matthew’s grave a few times after his death but he clearly didn’t get that this stone was supposed to be somewhere to visit and talk to his dad. And she didn’t want Elliot to remember his dad like this. She preferred to talk to him about the good times, and to share photos and videos. Elliot knew she came here to talk to him and, most Saturdays, he would give her a picture he had drawn for his dad.
‘He drew you this.’ She pulled today’s offering out of her bag and smoothed it out before turning it round to show Matthew. ‘This is a picture of me, Elliot and Leo, and Luke of course.’
She paused long enough for Matthew to look at the picture. She had long ago stopped being embarrassed about talking to a headstone like this, showing it pictures or videos of Elliot from her phone. She had no idea whether Matthew was here or not – she didn’t know what happened to someone’s soul or spirit when they died, whether they stayed with their loved ones or moved on in some way – but this chat helped her to feel close to him and she wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. Judging by the fresh flowers on his grave, Melody and her mum probably weren’t ready to say goodbye either.
She turned the paper to look at the picture, wondering what Matthew would make of this. In the early days after Matthew’s death, Elliot’s pictures were of him and his dad. That had soon changed to Isla, Elliot and his dad, until eventually Matthew had been replaced by Leo.
‘Elliot loves Leo and I think the feeling is entirely mutual. Leo is wonderful with him. You definitely chose the best person to be his godfather. Elliot still misses you, of course. We all do.’ Isla felt a pressing need to convince Matthew that he hadn’t been forgotten, despite what the picture showed. She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering his face, his wicked laugh. ‘I miss you so much.’
She opened her eyes again. Some days she could come down here and chat endlessly. Other days her heart hurt too much for polite chitchat with a black stone.
‘Elliot is teaching Luke a new trick. He can now give his paw in return for a treat. He follows Elliot around everywhere, he’s a right character. I think you would have loved him. Mum and Trevor seem to be getting serious – he’s clearly smitten with her and I think he might propose soon. Can you imagine Mum getting married again? But he makes her happy so that’s all we can ask for, isn’t it? Dad broke her heart when he left and I never thought she would be happy again, she was so angry with the world. Well, you were there, you had to put up with it the same as the rest of us.’
Isla looked up at the peach and turquoise sky. Life with her mum, Carolyn, had been difficult for many years. After her husband had walked out on her and their children, her mother had withdrawn from the world, her friends and even her family. She had been so angry, mostly with Isla’s dad. Isla had been angry at her dad too for many years, and though they did speak on the phone now from time to time, they had never been close again. He had let all of them down the day he had abandoned them to be with the woman he was having an affair with. It was obvious that he had different ideas of what family meant. Marriage and kids – that kind of commitment was for life.
Isla looked back at the headstone and realised that Matthew, if indeed he was there, was probably waiting for her to continue. She smiled at the thought of some sarcastic remark he’d pass her way.
‘But she’s mellowing now, spending time with Elliot makes her happy and Trevor is nice. A little serious sometimes, but she’s… lighter somehow. He makes her laugh. I’m not sure we will ever have that close bond that other daughters and mums have, but she’s making a real effort now, you can see that. And, talking of proposals, I think Jamie might propose to Melody soon as well. You should see them together, they are so in love it’s ridiculous.’
She paused in her monologue and closed her eyes again, remembering the good times, the fun they had, the jokes she and Matthew used to play on each other. The pain grew in her chest but she loved these memories too much to never take them out and look at them.
She heard a noise by her side and she looked up to see Leo standing over her. She quickly wiped her eyes so that Elliot didn’t see her crying as she looked around for him.
‘Your mum has him,’ Leo said. ‘She popped by and they’ve gone to the Golden Bridge.’
Isla smiled. Elliot loved that place. It was a very posh restaurant on the cliff tops and they treated Elliot like a king every time he went there with his nan. He always had a hot chocolate with whipped cream drizzled with maple syrup, and the staff would sneak a little cake onto his plate too.
‘How did you know I was here?’
‘I was driving past, saw you sitting here. I thought you might like some company.’
Isla hesitated for a moment as she shut her memories away.
‘Or I can leave you alone, if you’d prefer.’
Isla shuffled over on the towel and patted the ground next to her. Leo smiled and sat down, looping an arm around her shoulders and kissing her forehead. She leaned her head against his shoulder.
They sat there for the longest time in silence, listening to the birds sing in the autumn sunshine, the distant sound of the waves on the beach. She appreciated that Leo didn’t push her or try to talk to her. Just being here was enough.
After a while she looked up at him. ‘Do you ever come here?’
He sighed. ‘I used to. But there’s only so many times you can say you’re sorry.’
She frowned in confusion. ‘Why are you sorry?’
He didn’t answer as he stared out over the sea. Eventually he spoke. ‘I just miss him too.’
She didn’t really understand what he meant but decided to let it go. People dealt with grief in very different ways.
She stood up and held out a hand for him to help him up. ‘Come on, let’s go home.’
He stood up and looked at the grave. ‘Give me a second.’
She nodded and walked a little distance away. She watched him for a moment as he placed his hand on top of the headstone. He whispered something she couldn’t hear but his eyes locked with hers as he spoke and she guessed it was about her. Probably renewing his promise to look after her.
Leo walked over to her and looped his arm around her shoulders again. ‘Come on, I think you need a hot chocolate too.’
‘With whipped cream?’ she teased.
‘Of course and I’ll even throw in the maple syrup.’
She grinned and leaned into him on the way back to his car.
Leo did look after her, every day. Not with the promise of a home and with his empty proposals, but with his friendship. Matthew had given her a wonderful gift with Leo and she knew her brother had planned it that way.
Leo stared at the bubbles rising in his pint, his thoughts a million miles away. Well, not millions of miles away. More specifically, half a mile up the road at Hot Chocolate Cottage. He had to smile at that. When Matthew and Sadie had bought the house, Sadie had insisted on calling the place Champagne Cottage and it had stuck even after Sadie had left; Matthew had been far too concerned with raising a baby all by himself to worry about the name of the house. When he had died and Isla had moved into his home to raise Elliot, she had thought the name was pretentious. She had asked Elliot what his favourite drink was instead and the name Hot Chocolate Cottage had been decided upon. Leo thought that theirs was probably the only house in the whole of the UK with such a unique and interesting name. But that was Isla all over, unique, interesting, special. He loved that she considered him to be her best friend.
His thoughts turned to the cemetery that afternoon. It had been a long time since he had been to Matthew’s grave. He felt too guilty. If there was a god or higher being that decided who lived and who died, why take someone who was good and decent and kind instead of a self-absorbed asshole like him? And through his selfish actions, Matthew was dead and Leo got to have Isla back in his life again. That felt all kinds of wrong. He’d seen her in the graveyard as he’d driven past and stoppe
d the car, deliberating for the longest time whether he should join her. But that was one thing he was surprisingly good at: being a friend, being there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. Although his motives were far from altruistic, her company did help to ease the guilt ever so slightly.
Leo’s younger brother, Jamie, came and sat down opposite him.
‘What’s with the face?’ Jamie said, slipping out of his jacket and throwing it over the back of the chair.
‘There’s no face,’ Leo muttered, finishing off the remains of his pint. He didn’t normally drink alone but Jamie was late. He was always late actually, always busy with some sculpture or work of art. Lately he had been busy with his new girlfriend, Melody, too.
‘Sure there is. You’re sitting there looking like someone stole your favourite toy.’
He scowled at Jamie in the hope his little brother would let it go, but Jamie clearly couldn’t care less and decided to push it even more.
‘Let me guess, you and Isla have had a row?’
‘No, we never argue.’
‘But this is to do with her.’
Leo sighed.
‘How about I get the drinks in and then you can tell me all about it?’ Jamie said, standing up. ‘Another pint?’
Leo shook his head. ‘Just an orange juice for me.’
Jamie smiled affectionately and went off to the bar. Leo never had more than one or two beers whenever he went down the pub, not any more. The frequency of his visits to the pub had changed too. He’d go once or twice a week to catch up with his brothers, instead of going every night. A lot had changed since his best friend, Matthew, had died.
Jamie returned with the drinks just as there was a ringing in Leo’s pocket. Leo fished out the walkie-talkie, the smile filling his face before he’d even responded.
Elliot’s little voice came through the speaker. ‘This is Batman to Robin, come in Robin.’
‘This is Robin, what do you need, Batman?’ Leo said.
Jamie snorted as he sat down and handed his brother his drink. Leo didn’t even care that any remains of his cool guy image was disappearing faster than a new ice cream flavour at Sprinkles. He looked around the pub and a few men were grinning at him.
‘I just wanted to say goodnight,’ Elliot said.
‘Goodnight buddy, I love you.’
‘I love you too,’ Elliot said. ‘Will I see you tomorrow?’
‘You can count on it.’
‘Goodnight Leo. This is Batman, over and out.’
Leo waited to see if there was any more from him – over and out didn’t always mean the conversation was finished – but the airwaves stayed silent this time. He pocketed the walkie-talkie and took a sip of his orange juice, steadfastly ignoring the look from Jamie.
‘Leo Jackson!’ Jamie teased, shaking his head. ‘Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would see the day when I heard you tell someone you love them.’
‘Piss off.’
Jamie was undeterred. That was the good and bad thing about brothers. They never took offence, which also meant that Jamie wasn’t going to let this go any time soon.
‘Though I would think a certain someone else would appreciate hearing those words from you even more,’ Jamie said, waggling his eyebrows mischievously.
Jamie never normally stuck his nose too much into his business, but since he had been loved-up with Melody Rosewood, Isla’s sister, Leo felt like both of them had made it their mission to interfere as much as possible. Melody, especially, had set her heart on Isla getting her happy ever after with Leo, and now it looked like she had roped Jamie into the hopeless cause too.
‘Isla has turned down my proposal of marriage probably about a hundred times, I don’t think she’s hoping I’ll tell her I love her at all.’
‘Why do you think that is?’ Jamie said, all humour gone now. Leo looked up at him and saw the concern in his eyes. Were they really going to have a serious conversation about this? Normally they stuck to much more lighter topics.
‘Because she doesn’t think I’m good enough,’ Leo said.
‘No, you don’t think you’re good enough. Don’t put that on her.’
He hated how insightful his brother was sometimes.
‘Come on, think about all the women I’ve slept with. She doesn’t want a man like that.’
‘I think there was an element of that when she first moved to Sandcastle Bay,’ Jamie said, honestly. ‘After Daniel dumped her when she told him she was taking custody of Elliot, she was bound to be feeling a bit fragile. They were together for… what was it, two, three years? I think she saw a future with him. There’s been no one for her since and I imagine whoever she goes out with next will have to be someone she trusts completely, not just for her sake, but for Elliot’s too. I guess, knowing your reputation with women, she would have thought initially that you wouldn’t be a contender, or that you wouldn’t want something long-term, but she has seen how you have changed over the past year. We all have.’
‘I proposed to her this morning. She still said no.’
‘What are you offering with that proposal?’ Jamie asked.
‘I would take care of her and Elliot. She would never need to worry about money again, she wouldn’t need to worry about her home being taken from her.’
‘She wants more than that?’
‘What else can I give her?’
‘Your heart?’ Jamie said, exasperated.
Leo grunted. ‘She said as much this morning, that she would only marry out of love, but I can’t give her that.’
‘Why the hell not? It’s clear to anyone in the village that you two are crazy in love with each other.’
‘She doesn’t love me. She can’t… And if she does, she would fall out of love with me pretty quick once she knew the truth about Matthew’s death.’ He closed his eyes, briefly. She would hate him and deservedly so.
Jamie’s face fell. ‘You’re still carrying that guilt with you? You were like this after Dad died, carrying that weight around with you for years and that wasn’t your fault either.’
Leo sighed. He had been just a kid when his dad had died from a heart attack after a day out cycling with Leo. Of course, at that age, he’d taken that on himself. In his mind, if he hadn’t persuaded his dad to go out on the bike with him, he’d still be there. It was only many years later when he had done some research into his dad’s condition that he realised that what the doctors had said at the time was true: it could have struck at any time, even when his dad was watching the TV. He had let go of the guilt he’d been carrying for all those years, though the pain and regret of how he’d acted in the years after his dad’s death still stayed with him. His mum, brothers and sister had been grieving too, but on top of that they’d also had to deal with his bad behaviour and crappy attitude for the next few years. They didn’t deserve that and he was surprised they had stuck with him. But this was different.
‘I might not have been responsible for Dad’s death but I am responsible for Matthew’s,’ Leo said, quietly.
‘Matthew’s death was not your fault.’
‘You know as well as I do that if I’d said something, if I’d done something, Matthew would still be alive today. Elliot would still have a father, Isla would still be living in London, probably getting married to that idiot Daniel. She’s here in Sandcastle Bay because, the night Matthew died, I did nothing to stop it happening. She lost her job, her boyfriend, her brother because of me. I shouldn’t get to benefit from Matthew’s death. Being with Isla would be like winning the lottery and I don’t deserve that.’
‘It wasn’t your fault. We can all drive ourselves insane with the what-ifs and the if-onlys. What if Alan had not lost his job, what if he hadn’t gone home and had a row about it with his wife, what if he hadn’t come here to drown his sorrows and gone for a walk along the coast instead, what if the old landlord here had more concern for why Alan was drinking so much and refused to serve him after a few drinks. What if any
one of the thirty-odd other people who were in the bar that night as well as you, including Trevor Harris, the local policeman, and Alan’s brother, stopped for a second to see how Alan was getting home. What if Matthew had not been running late, what if the babysitter for Elliot had turned up on time. Accidents happen, and it was tragic and heartbreaking, but it most definitely wasn’t your fault.’
Leo shook his head. He had been torturing himself with this for over a year. He had seen how drunk Alan was, which had been unusual for him. He’d watched him stagger out of the pub and thought nothing more than that he’d have a hangover the next morning. He’d had no idea he’d get in his car and attempt to drive home, or that a minute after leaving the pub Alan’s car would slam into Matthew’s so hard that Matthew was killed instantly. Every day since, Leo had thought about how different life would be if he had just stopped to help Alan out of the pub, made sure he had got in a taxi safely. If he had, his best friend would still be alive. He had to live with that guilt every day. None of it was fair. As he watched Elliot grow into this brilliant little boy, it hit him hard that Matthew would never be around to see it, and that he got to benefit from it instead.
‘Have you spoken to Isla about this?’ Jamie asked.
‘No. I meant to. After Matthew’s death I was going to tell her it was all my fault but—’
‘It was not your fault.’
‘But it never felt like the right time. She needed me when she came here to look after Elliot, she needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold her hand in the role of being a new parent. If I’d told her, she wouldn’t have let me anywhere near her. I didn’t want to take that away from her too.’
‘God, you’re a tortured soul,’ Jamie said with frustration. ‘How can you let this ruin your life? So many lives have been affected by this, don’t let it destroy yours. Although Matthew’s death ripped a hole in Melody and Isla’s hearts, they are happy here now, there was some good that came from it. Isla loves being a mum to Elliot. Matthew would have been delighted if you and Isla got together, you know that, and he clearly would be happy with the way you are raising Elliot. You’re amazing with him. Don’t you think you’re due some happiness as well?’