“Jess? Bleidd? Is everything alright with you?”
“Ah my love,” he thought back. “Bleidd is sleeping. We have camped in a secure location and all is well for the moment. How are you doing? Are you safe?”
“I made a deal with the Makiawisug,” she said bluntly, and shock rippled through him at her words, “They provided a guide and he has in turn provided a hot meal for dinner and a warm place to sleep tonight. So I am as safe as I can be, and comfortable, although I am very tired.”
“You made an agreement with the native Fey? How?” he asked utterly perplexed. No one had spoken to a member of the Makiawisug since the Great War had ended and they had retreated to the Wildlands. It was generally believed that they were reclusive and antisocial so the Queen, having pity on their circumstances, had ordered that they be left alone as much as possible.
“Ummm, well, nothing special really,” Allie replied, picking up on his feelings and stumbling over her response. “I just walked out where I knew they could see and hear me and started talking. And they eventually answered.”
“That is amazing,” he said, still shocked. “No one has been able to do such a thing in almost a century.”
“Yeah well, like I said don’t be too impressed,” she said again, uncomfortable. “they really don’t like elves much. Like really, really. I think the only reason they bothered to answer at all was firstly pure curiosity because It’s not like they see people like me, pregnant, wandering around here every day. And secondly because they knew I wasn’t an elf but they didn’t know quite what I was. Maybe that’s curiosity again. Whatever it was they were willing to see what I wanted.”
“And what did you tell them?” he said, not bothering to hide the fact that he was intrigued. It had never, to his knowledge, occurred to anyone to try to have the lesser Fey negotiate with the Makiawisug and all attempts by the elves had been rebuffed or later ignored. What Allie was telling him implied that a different strategy might bear fruit and he filed that away for later contemplation.
“I told them that we were lost and needed a guide to help us navigate the danger in the river,” she said, her own feelings calm against his excitement. “And they asked if we, or at least I was the reason the Elven Guard was in the Wilds and I said yes. So we negotiated terms and they agreed to help me get to you.”
“What terms?” he said, swinging from excitement to concern.
“Oddly enough they wanted books from my store,” she said, feeling amused. “I mentioned owning the store. And they don’t have much access to things like that. Although for the record I think I could have offered almost anything and they’d have agreed if it meant getting the Guard to leave.”
He frowned down at the fire, not liking the level of animosity that implied although he was happy she had aid. “And you are sure you can trust this guide?”
“Well my love I am sure that he knows the Guard will probably never leave if I disappear not to be seen again,” Allie said, more gently. “Also I told them I had a way to talk to you, a psychic means if you will, and I doubt he is stupid enough to assume I haven’t filled you in on everything.”
“You didn’t before now,” he said unhappily.
“I am now though,” she shot back. “And he has no way to know I didn’t tell you immediately. Relax. Now you tell me honestly how bad are you guys hurt?”
“Bleidd is not injured badly,” he began slowly. “Just cuts and bruises and those will be gone by tomorrow. He is more exhausted than I think I have ever seen him though.”
“You’re worried about him,” she said, correctly – and predictably – reading his feelings.
“I am concerned that he pushes too hard and I do not want him going into backlash shock trying a spell in such a state.”
“Hmmmm,” she said. “Alright. I can see that but I’ve never known Bleidd to act stupidly or push himself too far. You know I love him and I say this with love but he’s pretty good about watching out for himself first. Which is a good quality when its keeping him alive and safe.”
Jess hesitated remembering Bleidd’s words about overreacting when he’d seen Jess in mortal danger. “I think you may be misjudging him in this case my heart.”
“Perhaps,” Allie said neutrally. “Now stop avoiding the other half of my question and tell me about you. How bad are you hurt?”
“Not badly enough for you to worry,” he reassured her. “My leg was cut and badly sprained. I used some healing tincture to seal the cuts and it will heal well enough now with rest.”
“Brynneth can’t help you?” she pressed. “I know you said he was hurt the worst of you all but was it bad enough he can’t heal anyone else even now?”
“Brynneth was hurt badly,” he admitted. “Although not enough to threaten his life. But to heal himself he has gone into a deep trance. We cannot speak to him and he cannot heal anyone else until he has finished healing himself.”
“Well I guess it makes sense that he needs to get himself healed first, I just didn’t realize this trance would take so long. It’s already been hours and hours.” she said, her worry resonating through him from their bond. “But he will be okay?”
“He said he would, and I trust him to know better than any of the rest of us.”
“Right then,” she said subdued now. “And Tashlin?”
“I gave him a healing potion and he is sleeping while he heals,” he said, not wanting to depress her more by describing Tashlin’s injury. Allie did not know him well, as he had only been assigned to their squad at the turning of the year, but she had taken an instant inexplicable liking to the stoic elf. Secretly Jess suspected that he reminded her of Natarien, a young elf who had been part of Jess’s squad when he and Allie had first met and who had died the previous spring in the shoot-out with the dark coven who had been murdering young mixed-blooded girls.
She was quiet for a moment. “That means you can’t move, even in an emergency, until Bryn and Tashlin wake up doesn’t it?”
“Allie, do not worry for us, please,” he thought to her, distressed by her distress. “We are safe. We are secure. We have only to wait here until the regiment of the Queen’s Guard arrives to evacuate us, or we recover enough to hike out on our own. Until then we are fine where we are, truly.”
“The Queen’s Guard?” she repeated, obviously shocked.
“Yes, they are coming out to take care of the Pesht,” he said.
“To kill it you mean,” she said flatly.
“It is an infinitely dangerous creature,” he said gently. “Leaving it alive is setting others up to die.”
“It’s just doing what they do right?” she asked. “And aren’t they very rare?”
“They have almost all been destroyed, yes,” he said, baffled that she seemed upset at the idea of the creature being killed. He reached down and rubbed his injured leg unconsciously. The silence stretched out between them until he finally prompted, “Allie?”
“Sorry,” she said, her voice in his head oddly detached. “I was just thinking that maybe elves and humans aren’t that different after all.”
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Jess thought frowning, and thinking to himself that elves and humans seemed to be very different in many ways.
“No, I’m sure you don’t,” she said, her feelings still distant, and then as if she were making a great effort, “Never mind. It doesn’t matter right now.”
“Allie.”
“I said it doesn’t matter right now,” she repeated and he felt her love and desire flowing around him. For a moment he resisted, not wanting to be sidetracked from what his instinct told him was an important discussion, but he couldn’t resist her for long. Her feelings swept through him and consumed him, refocusing his own feelings and thoughts until all he cared about was the sensation.
“Allie,” he said again, wishing he could give her what he thought she needed and knowing he couldn’t.
“It’s alright Jess, it’s alright,” she soothed. “I know.
I just wanted you to know I wasn’t upset with you. It’s just this whole situation. I’m worried about you both. I’m worried about me, quite frankly, and the baby. And the, er, person I’m with, I’m worried about him and how I can help him now.”
“Who is it Allie?” he pressed afraid he already knew.
“It doesn’t matter does it?” she hedged.
“If he needs help then the Guard can help him.”
“Ah,” she hesitated, then said, “I’m not sure that would be accurate.”
“Why wouldn’t the Guard help him?” Jess asked, tensing.
“It’s a complicated situation, Jess. Things aren’t always as straightforward as you want them to be.”
“Allie, please tell me you aren’t with the elf who kidnapped you,” he groaned. “I know you said he was very young, but you must realize he is an adult and a Dark Court agent besides.”
“If I answer that then I don’t think you’ll be very happy with me,” she said slowly.
“Allie!” he snapped, “Why would you help the person who put you in this situation to begin with?”
“Jess-“
“How could you possible trust him?” he talked over her, starting to agree with Bleidd about her ability to judge other people.
“Jess-“
“He is an agent of the Dark Court, not just some hapless youth you found on a street corner or-“
“Jess!” she finally cut in. “Stop. This is why I didn’t want to talk to you about who was with me. You’re not even listening to me. Forget that, you’re not even letting me get a word in.”
“I’m listening,” he said grudgingly, worried now for her safety on a new level.
He could sense her gathering her thoughts, her presence still strongly with him even though she was silent. Finally she said, “Jess, you don’t know him. To you he’s just an enemy, faceless, impersonal. Maybe that’s better because it lets you do your job. But I’m not an Elven Guard; I may be in the Guard but we both know I’m not really a member of the Guard. Not like you and the others. I do my best to follow the Law, to live by the rules, but I can never see letting the rules dictate hurting someone who isn’t really a bad person.”
“Oh my heart,” he sighed, closing his eyes. “No one really believes they are a bad person, in their own mind.”
“I wouldn’t agree with that, but that’s a conversation for another day,” she said. “The point is that this person may have done some things that are judged as bad, and I’m not saying I’ve totally forgiven him for some of them. But I truly believe he did what he did because he had no choice not because he wanted to. I watched him being bullied, abused, and I…it just…I thought of our son and my brother and I thought that he, this person, can still be saved. Don’t you see? He isn’t a bad person yet, and he doesn’t want to be. He told me as much, that he didn’t want to go back to the Queen’s Holding or to any other Holding either and he didn’t want to follow in his father’s business. He just wants to live his own life.”
Jess didn’t want to admit it but he was mollified knowing that this Dark Court elf had no desire to continue as an agent or to try to infiltrate the Holding. And truly if he wishes to go live among humans is he my problem any longer? Jess worried deep down that he may be shirking his duty but he did not like fighting with Allie especially under these circumstances when they were separated and so much uncertainty surrounded them. I was charged to capture or kill him, but if I cannot do either…at least I can swear that I have reliable information indicating his intentions absolve us of further concern over his actions. To Allie he said, “I can understand why you would have sympathy for him. And I am glad that he has proved trustworthy with you so far. But please do not let your guard down around him. Be cautious, my love, and do not assume anything of his intentions unless he clearly says what they are.”
“I know that Jess, I’m not stupid,” she thought back, obviously still annoyed.
He struggled to change the subject, “I did not know you have a brother.”
“I may as well not,” she said stiffly. “And I often wished I didn’t. He may be my brother but he is not a good person, and I think he’d use me anyway he could if he thought he could. He always treated me like a coddled pet in front of my mother and made it clear when she wasn’t around that I didn’t exist to him.”
Jess was utterly baffled by that and could not think of anything to say in response. He wanted to weep at the tension between them, hating that she was still not with him – with them – and that now he felt this wall of disagreement between them. For the second time her emotions overwhelmed his, her love and desire soothing him and washing away his own negative emotions, like glass being smoothed by the sea. He welcomed it, flinging himself into the sea-tide of her feelings as if he could merge himself with it, and her. And somehow that seemed to be exactly what happened, their two spirits joining together until he could no longer distinguish his feelings from hers, or indeed himself from her, and the whole world dissolved into glorious ecstasy.
After a long time – long enough that when he opened his eyes the fire had burned low – she began to pull back and he reluctantly let her. He didn’t feel raw or unhappy anymore but he didn’t want to let go of that surreal intensity that came with Allie’s gift. He had only experienced that level of closeness before when she was amplifying what they were feeling during physical union. He hadn’t even known it was possible for her to do it when they were apart, and when sex wasn’t a factor, and he found that without the physical sensory input the emotions were even more intense. It had been nothing but pure emotion. He shuddered as she fully disengaged and he was almost painfully aware of her withdrawal.
“Don’t worry Jess,” she said gently in his mind, the words jarring after the wordless union. “Somehow everything will work itself out and we will be together again soon.”
He nodded, confident that she would sense it even if she couldn’t see it. She pulled back completely after that, leaving him alone and he shuddered, feeling bereft. He glanced over at the corner where Bleidd still slept then took a long breath to ground himself.
Getting up he added more wood to the fire, then began to prepare what travel rations they had left.
**************************
Allie slept and she dreamed.
First she found herself running through the woods, fleet as a deer which helped her be aware even in the experience that she was dreaming. Behind her Something large crashed through the woods and her heart raced; she was consumed with the knowledge that she had to escape it, whatever it was. She broke from the cover of trees and found herself at the edge of a river of blood; when she looked below the surface she saw the faces of everyone she knew who had ever died, from her grandmother, father, and cousin, to Syndra, to Sal’s father and his trow. She tried to turn back to find another way but the trees around her shook and fell as the nameless Something crashed closer. She lost her balance and fell, the bloody surface surging closer….
And then she was back in the aluminum garden shed where she’d been held when she’d been kidnapped last spring. She felt pure terror, eclipsing what she’d felt before being chased through the woods, looking around this simple building. She saw the black dress she’d worn to Syndra’s funeral, torn and discarded on the concrete floor. Her blood was puddled in several places, still wet as if she’d just been taken out, but the space itself was dusty and full of spider webs and dead insects that hadn’t been there before. And hanging in the air by a back wall, unseen unless the viewer was a mage or witch was the energetic battery Allie herself had created using magic from her grandmother’s grimoire, spun out of her own pain and misery. Created and then used, not once but twice, to bind other people to her. She stepped forward, still terrified but feeling pulled by the echoes of her own suffering in this place, her hand reaching up towards the shimmering oil-spill colors of the tangible spell….
And she was sitting on the stairs in her own house. The wood was hard and smooth beneat
h her hands. Her heart was still racing and she curled her fingers around the edge of the step, waiting for the scene to fade. It didn’t.
Syndra walked out of the living room, stopping and leaning against the door frame. Her face was uncharacteristically concerned, “Are you okay?”
“No.” Allie gasped, recognizing the early symptoms of a panic attack, “I’m really not.”
Syndra joined her on the stairs, reaching out and rubbing her back. Allie let the words spill out, needing to say them, “It’s too much Syndra. It’s too much. This is triggering all sorts of things for me from last spring, from being kidnapped then and hurt. If it wasn’t for all the healing Brynneth has given me, all the psychological healing, I’d have freaked out way before now. But now that I’m clear of some of it, I can’t stop thinking of it, and I feel like I’m right on the edge. Jess and Bleidd are hurt and I want to help them but I don’t know how and I need them to help me and they can’t. And I told Sal I’d help him, get him out of all this, and I don’t see how I can possibly do that.”
Syndra sat and held her and for the first time Allie let herself cry, not only for all the things she had mentioned but for the things she didn’t want to talk about, especially seeing her mother again. When she’d cried herself out Syndra said, “Do you feel any better.”
“Little bit,” Allie said, straightening up. “As good as I’m going to get for now without Brynneth to help me or my own empathy pulling from Jess or Bleidd to heal myself.”
“Good,” Syndra said, patting her back. “Now pull yourself together, get your God damned big girl panties on and handle your shit.”
“Syndra-“
“Don’t you Syndra me, Al,” her friend said. “I know I fucking joke about it all the time but I don’t actually want you to get yourself killed just so you can hang out with me in Ashwood forever. Especially not while you’re all knocked up. I am so not good with babies and pretty much my idea of Hell would be eternally stuck with an infant who’s never going to get any older. So you are not allowed to get yourself killed. And that means you need a better plan than this nebulous follow your guide until you find Jess and Bleidd and then something-something everything’s okay.”
Dark of Winter: A Between the Worlds novel Page 22