As he flipped through his memory bank, the question hung in the air. So many battles were fought. Too many injured teammates to count. “I’ll never really know,” he said. “But that was my job. I was there to save lives.”
“Because of you, countless men and women are alive today. I want you to remember that whenever you feel guilt over John.”
In his mind, he pictured a scale. A side for the good he’d done and a side for the bad. In the end, he couldn’t deny the bad side would always carry more weight. John wasn’t the only one who’d been hurt by his failures. So many other people had died because of him. He could never tell Grace the entire story. If she knew the truth, she’d hate him.
“Twelve years was a long time to serve.” Grace rocked back and forth in the chair. “Leaving the Army must’ve been a tough transition.”
“When I drove through Fort Bragg’s gate and saluted the MP on duty for the last time, I was an emotional wreck. The first week I spent with my Aunt Linda in Florida. She’d taken me in when I was eight years old and is the only family I have left. After that, I drove to Georgia and checked into a motel, and then spent the next two weeks stone drunk.” To her credit, Grace’s face remained relaxed, with no hint of judgment.
He swallowed hard, pushing down the lump in his throat. “I wanted to die. My body hurt from the abuse received over the years in the military, and then I had voices in my head, telling me my life wasn’t worth the struggle. I took out my gun and pressed the barrel against my head. I couldn’t stand another day of living with myself.” On that day, he’d sunk into a deep darkness. The same pit as so many other warriors, some who’d never made it out alive. “I just couldn’t pull the trigger.”
“Thank goodness you didn’t.” Grace sucked in a breath. “You deserve your life, Heath. You deserve to be happy.”
The light touch of her finger moved over a long scar on his arm. The simple action spread warmth throughout his body. “After I sobered up, I decided to take a road trip. First, I went to see John’s widow, Julie. Then I came to Texas. I’ve been working odd jobs ever since. Being here, working at the ranch, I finally feel useful again. I enjoy caring for the animals. I like the freedom, the fresh air, and the open space.”
“I think you were meant to find your way here.” Her rocking chair continued to produce a rhythmic squeak against the plank wood floor. “We don’t know each other very well, and I’m not a therapist, but I promise to listen if you ever need someone to talk to. I care about you.”
All the air emptied from his lungs. He searched her eyes until his gaze dropped to her parted lips. All sane thoughts left his mind.
Grace leaned forward.
She smelled sweet, like a strawberry, and he lost the fight to maintain control. He didn’t care that she wore another man’s engagement ring, that he worked for her father, or that he wasn’t good enough for her. Every cell in his body screamed to take her in his arms and kiss her. He brushed a trembling thumb across her bottom lip.
Grace made a low, throaty moan.
His lips were inches away when the sound of tires on gravel brought him back to reality. Headlights cut the darkness, and he leaned back.
The car came to a stop. Bruce and Joslyn got out and headed straight toward the porch.
“How are you doing, son?” Bruce placed a hand on his shoulder.
“A lot better, sir.” Heath stood to put some more distance between Grace and himself, leaning against the porch rail. “I’m so sorry about what happened…I find my behavior hard to explain.”
Shaking his head, Bruce waved his hand. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You had no idea those fireworks were coming. I did.”
Joslyn stepped next to her husband, her petite frame only reaching Bruce’s shoulder. “My dear boy, I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through in service to our country. My older brother fought in Vietnam. I saw what that did to him. Don’t ever apologize for things that are beyond your control.”
Heath looked around him, at people who cared about his well being. Their kindness touched his soul. “Thank you, ma’am. I should turn in for the night.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he descended the porch steps. When he was halfway across the lawn, he turned back to see Grace still standing on the porch.
Her smile beamed across the dark empty space between them before she turned and went inside the house.
He could barely contain his emotions. When he entered the bunkhouse, he slammed the door behind him and braced his back on its sturdy surface. Years of unshed tears flowed from his eyes, which acted like a cleansing rain, washing away anger and pain. He cried for John, his lost brother, and for all the innocent people he’d seen die. Lastly, he cried for himself and the small seed of hope at a second chance.
Grace’s face swam into view. The kiss they’d almost shared pricked at his conscience. She’d soon be married, and he’d inserted himself into her life, with so little regard for her future happiness. He’d let his own strong feelings for her totally supersede all other considerations. His attraction needed to stay locked away in his heart. She would be a friend—nothing more.
The time was well past midnight before he finally crawled into bed. Bomb blasts flashed behind his closed eyes. Please, don’t drag me back to the land of death. Tonight, let me dream about a dark-haired girl dancing across the Texas prairie.
Chapter Fourteen
Boy, last night had been one for the record books. Grace rolled out of bed and dressed. Not only had she come to the aid of a former soldier suffering an all-star panic attack, she’d almost kissed him as he poured out his soul. While he’d talked, her focus remained on the shape of his full lower lip or how the ridges of his scars felt under her fingers. Might as well make it official—she’d completely lost her mind.
Her heart was like a laundromat dryer, and Heath the red sock that repeatedly tumbled past the window. The harder she tried not to think about him, the more often she did. Tyler had been slowly pushed to the recesses of her mind. He was away, working in some far-off location. And Heath—he was the one she couldn’t wait to see each morning.
She’d known Heath for two weeks, and now she dreamed about him every night. Looking at her mirrored reflection, she saw the slow creep of a blush at the memory of last night’s dream. This infatuation had to stop, which could possibly jeopardize her future with Tyler.
One year ago, she’d bumped into Tyler at his cousin’s wedding. Alex had told her that Tyler would be there, so she’d dressed to kill. The formal gown she’d bought for the occasion was an attention grabber. The black dress clung to her body, with a modest cut in the front. But the reverse side dipped low and pooled around her lower back, exposing a lot of skin.
At the reception, she entered the room and purposely sauntered past Tyler, who was in deep conversation with several high school buddies. The heat of his stare followed her across the room. That night, Tyler asked her out on their first date. Before the month ended, he’d won her heart.
Tyler was everything she had imagined all those years ago. When they were together, he made her feel like a princess. He had swept her off her feet and never put her down. For her birthday, he’d planned an elaborate dinner, taking her to one of Dallas’ finest restaurants. When he had gotten down on one knee during the middle of dinner, she’d practically screamed yes. That night was one of the happiest of her life.
Grace picked up their engagement picture sitting on her dresser. Next to Tyler’s handsome face, she still viewed herself as awkward. She might have grown out her hair and learned to apply makeup in order to accent her best features, but inside her mind lurked the same insecurities. No amount of expensive clothing or trips to the salon would change that.
With a long sigh, she left the photo on the dresser and went downstairs. When she entered the hallway, Grace halted at her parents’ voices echoing from the kitchen.
“Stop encouraging Grace to spend time with Heath.” Mother’s voice sounded firm and commanding. “Either
you or Alex could have just as easily taken him home last night. I know what you’re doing, Bruce Murray, and I don’t like it.”
“Havin’ Grace take him home only made sense. Besides, I knew she’d calm him better than anyone else.”
“Don’t make him Grace’s responsibility. My brother had some of the same issues. The war destroyed his marriage and his family.”
Grace stood frozen, her heart pounding in her chest.
“Darling, I know how you struggled watching your brother self-destruct when he came home from Vietnam. I’ve seen the way Heath is with Grace. She connects with him like no one else. He’s coming out of his shell and—”
“Grace is getting married in six weeks. Tyler is the type of man she deserves. I think it’s nice that both of you want to help Heath, but her focus should stay on Tyler and her wedding. Tyler is her future. He will give her a wonderful life.”
“Remember the first time we met? At the rodeo parade,” Dad said. “You were such a pretty little thing, Miss Longhorn and all. I only had five dollars in my pocket and worked for my pa on the ranch. I didn’t have anything to offer you.”
Still in the hallway, Grace heard the soft sound of her mother’s laughter.
“You were so handsome that nothing else mattered. A bandit who stole my heart.”
“Thank goodness, you looked past the skinny boy with no money and saw what was in my heart. I’m not saying that Grace shouldn’t marry Tyler, but the girl needs the freedom to make her own decisions. Our kind-hearted daughter sees something worth saving in Heath. Let her figure out her own path.”
Grace sighed and leaned against the hall closet door. Were her feelings for Heath so transparent? Had her parents noticed the longing in her eyes whenever she’d looked at him? Not wanting to overhear more of their conversation, she walked into the kitchen. “Good morning,” she called out in a cheery voice.
“Morning, butterfly.” Dad reached for the newspaper on the table. “Your ma and I were just talking about how much fun we had at the festival yesterday.”
“Was that all you were talking about?” Opening the refrigerator door, Grace pulled out the jug of orange juice. She poured a glass and sat on a stool by the kitchen island.
Joslyn set a plate filled with scrambled eggs and bacon in front of her and kissed the top of her head. “Eat up, honey. I’ll take Heath’s breakfast out to him.” Seconds later, the screen door closed behind her.
“How much did you hear?” Dad asked.
“Enough.” Grace picked at the scrambled eggs on her plate. She had to give her mother credit. The woman had the nose of a Bloodhound. She’d sniffed out Grace’s attraction to Heath, which must have her very worried. Tyler was the apple of her mother’s eye. If Grace told her the truth about her growing uncertainty, her mother would definitely freak.
He reached out a hand and stroked her back. “Your mom is concerned about you, that’s all. She sees in Heath the same ghosts that still haunt Uncle Mike.”
“She doesn’t need to worry.” Grace tried her best to sound nonchalant. “It’s not like I’m planning to run away with him.”
Her dad bellowed out a deep laugh. “Well, don’t put that idea in her head.”
As Grace chewed on a piece of bacon, she wondered what her dad’s reaction would be if he knew she’d dreamt that very thing. In her dream, when she’d hopped on the back of Heath’s motorcycle and wrapped her arms around his waist, the rest of the world had slipped away. They drove together for what seemed like hours, finally finding a quiet spot to stop. And, well, she couldn’t think about what happened next. Not sitting across from her father.
“I know you, Grace.” He pointed a finger in her direction.
Had he just read her mind? Yikes! Her blood pressure spiked. “What do you mean?”
“You want to help Heath, and you’re good for him.” Her dad stole a strip of bacon off her plate and waved it in the air. “Heath’s been dealt a crap hand, but I know he’s a fine man.”
She smiled. For a man so big and strong, her dad carried a sensitive heart. “I want to understand him better. I hope that someday he can put behind the past and live a full life.”
Dad placed his hand over hers. “You do what’s in your heart.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” Grace rested her head on his broad shoulder. “I just want a marriage like yours, still madly in love after all these years.” She remembered the story of how her parents met. Joslyn had been Miss Longhorn, and her dad had driven her in the parade. He’d been smitten by her mother’s beauty but was too shy to approach her. He’d waited weeks, saving money and building up the nerve to ask her out. Little did he know, she’d been struck by the same bolt of attraction. After that first date, they’d become inseparable.
“Do you think marrying Tyler is the right decision?” Grace finally put into words the worries weighing on her heart.
“Pumpkin, I can’t tell you that.” Dad’s eyebrows knitted together. “You need to decide what’s right for your life. Just remember, real love isn’t about looks or how much money you have in the bank. Real love is finding that one person who is the other part of your soul. You become two halves of the same whole.”
Joslyn reappeared in the kitchen, coming through the back door and holding an empty tray. “What kind of advice are you dishing out, Bruce?”
He walked over and kissed her cheek. “Only what I’ve learned after thirty years of marriage to the most wonderful woman on the planet.”
Her mother giggled like a schoolgirl.
“Perfect answer.”
Grace rolled her eyes and laughed. “Did you see Heath outside?”
“I did, and he looked much better than last night. He’s waiting for the lumber yard to deliver the wood for the gazebo.”
While her mother was distracted with the dishes, Grace slyly scraped the remains of her breakfast into the trash. “I’m glad he’s feeling better.” She put the empty plate in the dishwasher. “I’m visiting Granny today. I want to show her the family Bible Heath and I found in the dugout.”
“Tell Granny I say hi,” Dad said before his grin withered into a frown. “From now on, stay out of that dugout. I wouldn’t want you trapped inside when it finally collapses.”
“I’ll stay out, promise.” She passed him at the door, heading outside. She had to find Heath. After almost kissing him last night, she wanted to see if a spark truly existed between them or the attraction was a figment of her wild imagination. The only thing she knew for sure was that her feelings for Heath were getting harder to ignore.
****
After scarfing down his breakfast, Heath strode out to the barn to check on a loose board on the pig sty fence. So many chores to do. Added to his list was today’s lumber delivery. Good. Less time to dwell on what happened last night.
Building the wedding gazebo would take top priority for the next few weeks. Grace deserved to have a perfect wedding, and he’d work hard to insure that happened.
He looked out toward the meadow that sat behind the house, picturing the completed gazebo draped with flowers. The image made Heath’s heart ache—Grace adorned in her wedding dress, standing there with Tyler, promising to love him forever. She would soon belong to another man, blowing out of his life as quickly as she’d blown in.
He was lost in thought when he felt a hand grab his shoulder. Instinctively, he swung around, fist clenched and ready to strike.
Grace jumped back and stared with wide eyes. “It’s just me,” she squeaked out.
“I’m sorry.” Regret squeezed his chest. He’d been so close to hitting her, for no other crime then approaching him from behind.
She stood perfectly still. The undeniable energy of fear rolling off her body.
“I didn’t hear you approach.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets, knowing no amount of apologizing would make up for his outburst.
“It’s my fault. I should know better than to sneak up on a soldier.” Grace took another step away.
&nb
sp; His hair-trigger reaction frightened her. I can’t be trusted not to hurt the ones I love.
He couldn’t look her in the eye, so his gaze dropped to her red sneakers. “Maybe you should wear bells on your shoes.” A lame attempt to lighten the tension. “Speaking of shoes, those don’t look like barn-cleaning ones.”
A hint of a smile appeared on her face. “You really making me do that? Cleaning out horse stalls is the worst.”
“I won fair and square.” He followed her outside. “Besides, I’m too busy to clean the horse barn. I’m starting your gazebo today.” Approaching the ATV, he hopped on, resisting the urge to pull her close and breathe in the fresh scent of her hair. What were the odds he could get away before she mentioned anything about last night?
His military training had taught him to be tough. They’d turned him into a killing machine, capable of doing a lot of damage. But what happened last night, seeing Grace kneel before him and wash his face, had broken through his hard shell. Her soft touch had been more disarming than any weapon he’d ever encountered.
Last night’s episode was bad, but he hadn’t fallen as deep as usual. When the fireworks had blasted, and he’d felt himself slip away, hands had been on the other side, ready to pull him back.
Grace stood beside him. “Well, I should let you get to work. See you around.” She hesitated. Her mouth opened, and then closed. Without another word, she turned and walked toward the house.
For the best. Mere words couldn’t describe how precious she’d become. Something she would never know. Heath drove out into the pasture. Shadow, his ever-present companion, trailing alongside. The dog stayed by him throughout the day and slept at the foot of his bed at night, often waking him from bad dreams.
As he rode, the hills lay out before him. The abundant Longhorn cattle made for an inspiring show. Over the weeks working on the ranch, he’d come to know some of them by name. One of his favorites was a white cow with tan spots. When she heard Heath coming, she ran over to greet him, always bumping him for a treat. He also had become particularly fond of a new mom who had a gorgeous red coat and horns that were probably close to six feet in width. Her baby liked to stick his nose in Heath’s pockets.
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