by Logan Chance
I walk away from his desk with my heart pounding in my chest, my stomach turning and my palms sweaty. I won’t let him see me cry. I’ll get through this day so I can go home and let these tears fall.
The day, of course, drags on. I’ve never wanted to get home faster in my life, so when my last class ends I can’t hurry out of there fast enough. I’m not going to Professor Dale’s class to see if he needs my help, he can kiss my ass.
When I get home, I drop all my work that needs to be done onto my table and sink down on the couch. Everything starts to replay in my mind, the sweet way he was last night, the amazing sex and the cruel prick he was today. Tears well and spill over. I’m so stupid. Did I expect him to be a different man today?
A knock on the door interrupts my pity party. I swipe the tears away and cross to the door. When I open the door, it’s the last person I expected to see.
“You didn’t come to see me after school,” Professor Dale says.
“Take it as a hint,” I say, slamming the door in his face and locking it. He’s not going to suck me back into his twisted world.
I grab my phone off the table and dial Lexi’s number. The only way I will survive this year is with her help.
Ok, in this scene I cut it because it didn’t move the story forward. It also was after Marley had seen him at the grave. So, this scene needed to be cut all the way around.
I wanted Houston and Marley to connect on many levels, and to have his main conflict the fact that he felt he didn’t deserve happiness or love.
HOUSTON
My body drags into my first class of the morning. The stupid students faces eagerly watch me as I make my way down the stairs ten minutes after class should have started.
So what, I’m late. Their wide eyes watch me as I throw my briefcase onto my desk.
“Open your books,” I address the class.
Having Marley follow me to Nathan’s gravesite was unexpected. I didn’t want her there. Yet, when I left the cemetery, a part of me longed for her. Longed for me to tell someone the pain I carried around for the past few years.
The emptiness and darkness which filled my soul, and I didn’t know how to get rid of it. Maybe I wasn’t meant to.
Maybe I was being punished for my transgressions.
Maybe I was meant to walk the earth a miserable bastard because I couldn’t save the one person I was meant to protect.
My life didn’t matter anymore. The shell of a man I became was who I was meant to be.
Teach these fuckers to save lives, so they won’t mess up as badly as I did.
When I first came to college, fresh out of high school I was a cocky son-of-a-bitch. Thought I knew everything, yet had so much to learn.
I flaunted my parent’s money around like I owned New York. In a way, I thought I did. I was unstoppable and well on my way to becoming one of the top surgeons in the city.
Jennifer and I met in the fall of my last year of medical school, right before I started my residency. We fell hard for each other. We married a year later, and the following summer she was pregnant with Nathan.
Nathan, the heir to the empire I built in New York.
It crumbled just as quickly as it was built.
MARLEY
Roll playing with Houston was fun, but as soon as the orgasm high was over…I felt an emptiness wash over him.
I lie here next to him, knowing in the morning he’ll be gone again. Which I understand, I want him to visit the gravesite, but I want him to open up to me more.
Two years, he’s been there everyday for two years, making the wound fresh and impossible to move past.
His heart needs to heal. His soul needs to recharge. I have so many questions I’ll never ask.
So many things I want to say I never will.
I lie, unable to move, Houston’s body wrapped tightly around mine. Reveling in the feel of his hard body, his tight muscles flush against mine. I glance at his sleeping face, his chiseled jaw relaxed, his complete reverence while in a deep slumber.
His eye twitches and then his body jerks, he twists again before I realize he must be having a nightmare.
“Oh shit,” he says, bolting upright in bed.
“Are you okay?” I run my fingers down his back, along the curves of each muscle. A light sheen of sweat coats his skin as his body shudders against me.
He shakes his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes. He brushes it back, haphazardly not caring where it lands or how it looks. “No, I’m not.”
“Want to talk about it?” I pray silently to the God I hope is listening. I want nothing more than for Houston to open up to me. I want to be the one to hold him every night, to soothe his pain, and help heal his broken heart.
He sucks in a breath, and lets it out slowly. “Marley, I don’t know where to begin,” he says, his eyes pleading for me to drop the subject.
“Start at the beginning.” I once again drop my hand down his back, displaying my support.
He leans back against the mattress, raising his hands over his head. “I was married, we had a son. Our son died. Then, she left. Happy?”
I sit up, glaring into his eyes. “No, I’m not happy. How could you ask that? Houston, maybe it would be good to talk to someone about this. It doesn’t have to be me, but I think you shouldn’t hold all of this anger inside. It isn’t healthy.”
He slams his fist against the mattress after sitting up. His eyes are pure fire, and my heart slams around in my chest, trying to break free like a caged bird.
“I don’t need to talk to anyone. I’m going home.” He gets up and grabs his clothes. Slamming the door on his way out, I’m left with my sober feelings, growing stronger by the minute.
I glance at my phone, it’s too early to call my sister but I dial the number anyways.
“Someone better be dead for you to be calling at four am,” Lexi’s groggy voice says into the phone.
I smile. “Lexi, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
There’s a rustling noise before Lexi speaks. “What’s wrong?”
I tell Lexi everything, from following Houston, about his son, and about our fight. “He had a bad dream. It isn’t good for him to keep this all bottled up.”
“I know. But, Marley, you can’t force him to talk about it. You can’t make him deal with it. He has to do it when he’s ready.”
I let her words sink in, wondering if he’ll ever be ready. Can anyone ever get over the loss of a child?
I hang up with Lexi after a few more minutes of talking. I feel a bit out of my element. I’ve never even been in love, let alone birthed a child. How can I think I can help him?
Maybe he’s right, maybe he doesn’t need me.
The next few days of class slide by in a blur. I decide not to mention anything to Houston. I pretend I’m just another student in his class, trying to learn all I can to become a doctor.
Professor Dale is meaner than usual, if that’s possible.
He stands in front of the class, scowling into each set of eager eyes of his students. Letting us know he wants us to fail. He doesn’t make it easy on us, piling on more work than he ever has before. I worry for a minute, chewing on the inside of my mouth, wondering how I will ever get all of this work done.
I glance up, and my eyes slam into Houston’s burning eyes. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he is staring right through me. I clench my thighs together, and my heart drums quicker. It’s hot in this auditorium class.
The other students don’t notice the fleeting moment between my professor and me. I drop my pen onto my desk, as I stop chewing. His eyebrow rises, his knowing look disappointed in his pet peeve of mine.
Even if the whole world was watching, I’d still never change any moment with Houston. Watching him watch me, I realize my feelings for this man have compounded in the past few minutes. From an undeniable attraction of lust to a pure wanting of love. I love him. I want to help him. I want just him.
He dismisses the class but I
don’t move. How can I when my whole world has flipped upside down in the matter of minutes.
I’m in love with a broken man, who more than likely will never be able to love me back.
Everyone piles out of the room. Even Brian who always hangs around after class, leaves in a hurry.
I contemplate getting up, Houston’s back faces me. His shoulders hunched just a bit as he ruffles through papers on his desk. He clicks the overhead projector off, and I rise from my seat.
The sound of my boots are heavy as I make my way down each step to him. If this were a movie, it would be the part where the violins play as the heroine rushes to her hero. But, this isn’t a movie, and I’m no heroine.
I don’t know what to say. Because real life is messy. It isn’t a fairytale with a happy ending. No, Houston is not the main character in some romantic movie about my life, but he is my hero. The fact he still wakes up everyday after one of the biggest tragedies anyone could ever go through proves how strong he is. How capable he is of overcoming his past, and hopefully living again.
HOUSTON
I hear her footsteps, fell the weight of her steps as she draws closer. I don’t want to talk to her, and silently wish her away.
“Houston,” she says, her voice echoing off the concrete of the walls.
I don’t turn around. Glancing down at ungraded tests, and papers written on the respiratory system. And now, I feel like mine is failing. I can’t breathe. Unable to move as she says my name again in the all too silent room.
I turn. I glance at her. Her long dark tresses reaching midway down her back. Her tight jeans and the way her sweater hangs just below her waistband. The shade of her lipstick matches the pink of her clothing, and her long earrings dangle as she fidgets her hands in front of her. The fluorescent lights shine against her pale skin, and I once again am transported back to the first day I saw her. In this very classroom, with her cute skirt and full of life attitude. They’re all happy when they enter my classroom. But their smiles always fade by the end of the semester. Preparing them for the hard truth of being a doctor, of not being able to save everyone…not even the ones you love the most.
My smile falters when I remember Nathan. Only two years old, with such a long life yet to live. He was robbed of his time here on this earth, and it was all my fault.
Marley didn’t need someone like me, she needs someone who can be happy with her. Someone who can give her everything she deserves. That man is not me. As much as I don’t want to stop seeing her, I have to. Feelings are developing, with her and with me. I see the way she looks at me when I sink myself deep inside her.
I hear the way she moans my name when I make her come hard, harder than anyone ever has before.
But, even though she is great, and probably someone I could see me being with in a long-term relationship, I sigh before answering her. “What, Marley?”
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I’m not fine, Marley. Can’t you see?
I stuff both hands in my pockets of my gray slacks and wait for her to say something. She chews the inside of her mouth and I suck in a breath.
“You don’t seem fine. Let me help. Talk to me,” she begs.
“Help? How? You going to bring my son back?”
“Houston, that’s not fair.” She shifts on her feet, her hair shining against the bright lights of the depressing light of the classroom. I think that’s why I like it here. The white walls, the fluorescent lights, the solemn feel of it all. It’s become my home. A place I can shut my feelings off from the world. The cold world who never showed me an ounce of kindness.
The air thins between us as she waits for me to speak. But, my mouth remains closed. No words come to mind. Just the incessant ramblings of a crazed, overactive brain that doesn’t want her to walk away. But, knows that she must.
“Please leave, Marley.” I edge away from her, packing my briefcase with unnecessary paperwork. It’s mean of me to push her away. But, how can she love me when I don’t even love myself. I hate me, and she should too. Everyone should.
It doesn’t bother me though, in fact, I love the hate in my students eyes when I pile on more work. I love filling their course load with so much work they have no time to even breathe. Numbness washes over me when Marley’s eyes well up with tears. Tears of sorrow, tears for me. Either way, I don’t deserve them. I want to hold her, tell her not to cry for me, but I don’t. Instead I turn my shoulder, closing my briefcase and taking it from my desk. “I need to go,” I say, taking a few steps away from her.
“Houston, please don’t shut me out,” she says, a few tears streaming down her perfect face.
“I’m not shutting you out, I never let you in.” With those words, I walk away and up the steps.
The cold air hits my face as I exit the building. The snap of the wind rustles my white button down, and I shiver for a moment. I shake off the overwhelming feelings that slam into me as I think about Marley’s precious face as she tried to console me.
Console me, there’s nothing in the world that could ever console my hatred for this life.
Nathan was perfect in every way. A pure joyous child, innocent to the ways of the world. When he got sick, Jennifer and I were beside ourselves with worry. I tried everything I could to cure him.
I push open the doors to my apartment and remove my shirt, plopping down on the oversized couch in the process.
Wanting to forget, I grab a glass and the bottle of Bourbon from the table next to me. I take a shot, and then another. After a few more, the TV blurs in my vision. Some stupid program is on, and I’m not even listening.
My mind rolls over and over everything Marley said to me today. She was right. I did need to talk through my troubles.
I tried once, after Nathan died. Jennifer took me to a psychiatrist, saying it would be good for me to talk through my feelings. It wasn’t.
The doctor kept insisting I wasn’t at fault for the death of my son. That it was God’s purpose. But, I didn’t believe any of that.
How can a God who loves his children, take mine from me?
No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child. It starts out as a pulse, that slowly beats. It gets louder the more the realization sets in and after a while the beat is so deafening, it’s all you hear.
It drives you to the point of madness, a complete insanity that never wavers as hard as you try to overcome it.
You fight and fight with yourself, and it never goes away. It dwells deep within you, until the only thing you can do is stop and give into it.
And that’s when the darkness takes over, the walls erect. The defenses are drawn, and everyone around you becomes the enemy.
Friendships are broken, relationships destroyed.
Jennifer left, my bourbon coated laughter filled the house for weeks after she did. It didn’t take long for the money to dry up and for my family to intervene.
“You need to wise up, Houston,” my father said.
“We know it’s a tough time, but you need to look to your future,” my mother would say.
Family member after family member would offer fresh advice. Whether I asked for it or not.
But, no one knows what it’s like.
No one knows how it feels to know I could have saved him. I should have saved him.
This scene was cut, I wanted Houston to see her out with her brother, and to get jealous. So you could see where his feelings were starting to develop. So,…this scene had to go.
MARLEY
I can see the pain in the shadows surrounding Houston. The light in his eyes has faded. He’s a shell of a man, and I don’t know what to do.
His macho man pushing me away persona isn’t lost on me. It’s the biggest cry for help, and I want to do all I can to help him.
But how?
I pull out my phone and dial my brother’s number. He’s a pilot in Florida, and after meeting the love of his life maybe he will have some advice to help me out.
; He answers on the third ring, and I smile when I hear his deep voice.
“Miss you, kid,” he says after I say hello.
“I miss you too, Erik.”
“What’s wrong?” He can hear it in my voice, he knows me so well. I don’t even try to pretend all is well and launch into everything going on.
I tell Erik about Houston, about our affair, and about Houston’s late son.
“Fuck Marley, have you forgotten the fact that he’s your professor. You don’t need to get expelled from school.”
He’s right. I hate when he’s right.
“I know I know. But, I need to know what to do.” I fidget with the phone in my hand.
“Do you love him?”
I think for a second. Do I? “I think so.” The answer comes easier than I thought it would.
“Then, you need to fight for him. Show him you’re there for him.”
Hours later, after I’ve gotten off the phone with Erik, I think about his words. Fight for Houston. I don’t even know where to start.
He has gotten meaner since I followed him to the graveyard. He won’t even look at me.
For the next few hours, I study. A test tomorrow in Anatomy and I haven’t even cracked my book in the past few days.
As I stare at the male form in my textbook, memorizing all the muscles of the abdomen, my mind travels to Houston. His body is off the charts perfect, and I fantasize about running my tongue over his obliques.
Shit. Now, I’m turned on and I still don’t know how I can ever get him to open up to me.
7
Now we get to some interesting scenes. In the rough draft, Marley had a boyfriend and Houston would watch her from his apartment. So, when I decided to get rid of the boyfriend, a lot of these scenes were cut. Obviously. I didn’t want people to think poorly of Marley for having a boyfriend and still lusting after her professor, or anything with cheating at all. So the boyfriend had to go.