The Parent Agency

by David Baddiel

The Head raised an eyebrow. Not a big one, just a standard up-it-goes. “Pardon?”

  Barry took a deep breath. “Then… what?! Every time I come back here, there’s always a moment where you and them…” – he did a thumb gesture towards The Secretary Entity – “go quiet about what happens to children who get to ten without finding parents! But now I want to know! I have to!”

  The Head sighed. He got up and went to the window – the one with the amazing view of the city – and looked out, not saying anything. He had his back to Barry. He opened the window. Then he turned round. His face looked white with dread.

  “OK, Barry. This is what happens to children who don’t find parents by the age of ten. Basically—”

  As he said this, a powerful gust of wind came into the room and blew Barry’s list up into the air.

  “Oh my God!” said Barry.

  The piece of paper was lifted by the wind, high up to the ceiling, towards the open window. The four of them – Barry and The Secretary Entity and the Head – jumped up, trying to catch it, but because they were, after all, just children, they were too small.

  Plus, the list was so crumpled now it had formed lots of little folds and crinkles which acted as tiny wings. And so it continued to float above the jumping children, and then another gust caught it and it flew beyond their grasping hands and out of the window.

  “Oh! Oh! Oh!” said the Head. “I’m very sorry, Barry. I really am. Shall we send PCs 890 and 891 out to look for it?”

  Barry sighed and sat down again. “No, it’s OK. I guess it doesn’t matter any more…”

  The Head and The Secretary Entity sat down too, looking rather uncertain as to what to say next. Instinctively, they all looked to the 24-Hourglass. Now there were about seventy grains left.

  Then sixty-nine.

  “So,” said the Head. “What were we talking about?”

  “Barry’s parental choice, sir…” said Secretary One.

  “Of course!” said the Head. “So. Barry. Which couple do you like best…?”

  Barry stared at him. He shook his head. Clearly, he was never going to find out exactly what happened to children who didn’t find parents they liked by the time they were ten. But it was obviously something not very nice. So he said: “Well… there is a couple…”

  “Splendid. The Rader-Wellorffs? Vlassorina? The Fwahms!? Elliott and Mama Cool? Malcolm and—?”

  “Um… well…” Barry leant over the Head’s desk. The Head leant over towards him. “Not exactly. I was wondering about this other couple – this man and woman. I keep on seeing them wherever I go. Not the whole time. Just in moments.”

  The Head leant back. “Well, do you know who they are…?”

  Barry frowned. “When I first saw them, their faces looked blurry. But each time I’ve seen them again, they’ve got slightly clearer.”

  The Head glanced at The Secretary Entity, who shrugged. “Are they on our books?” he said.

  “Yes,” said Barry. “I think so. I mean, I thought I saw them when you first showed me some Parent Profiles, but it was so quick I’m not sure now.”

  “Well, let’s have a look…”

  The Head flipped up the top of his gold laptop and expertly brought up a series of Parent Files. He scrolled through them quickly. There were a few faces Barry recognised, but that was because they belonged to the parents he’d been trying out. Lord Rader-Wellorff’s photo had him standing on a rug that was also a dead bear; Vlassorina was in black and white, and neither of them was looking at the camera. But there was no sign of the parents he was looking for.

  “No,” said Barry. “They’re not there.”

  “Hmm,” said the Head. “Well. Can you describe them?”

  Barry thought. “Um… they look… kind. Although some of the time they look frightened. And something else. I don’t know what it is. Their faces. They look at me with some… thing… something I can’t quite name…”

  The Head seemed to get a bit distracted during this speech from Barry. He drummed his fingers on the desk and looked anxiously at the 24-Hourglass. It was hard to tell, but if you were someone with a magic gift for knowing, just by looking, how many things there were in one place – like, say, sweets in a jar at a fête – you’d have known that there were fifty-four grains left.

  “Well, I’m afraid that very descriptive description won’t be enough to pinpoint them among the millions of parents we have on file, I’m afraid. And time marches on! As we know, it’s nearly…” He tapped the 24-Hourglass, which unfortunately had the effect of making the sand grains run down even quicker. “…your actual birthday.”

  This took Barry aback. He’d had so many different and weird parties this week, he’d forgotten.

  His actual birthday. His real birthday.

  “Yes…”

  “Look, Barry. I like you. I feel you’ve become my personal responsibility. I’m not having you ending up… you know…”

  Barry didn’t know. But he wasn’t going to start that again. There wasn’t time and, besides, he did know that when the Head said “you know” The Secretary Entity shut their eyes and gulped. Which couldn’t be good.

  “So, if you can’t decide, I’m afraid that means only one thing…”

  “What?” said Barry, a bad feeling creeping up the back of his neck.

  The Head looked him straight in the eye. “Code Black,” he said and then pressed a button on the machine in the centre of his desk.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Barry heard a mechanical swishing noise and looked to his right. The wall of the Head’s office was sliding away to reveal, behind it: Lord and Lady Rader-Wellorff; Vlassorina; The Fwahms!; Elliott and Mama Cool; and Malcolm and Marjorie Bustle.

  “Barrington!”

  “Barrissina!”

  “Barry!!!!”

  “Like, Barry?!”

  “Barry!”

  “Oh no…” said Barry.

  They all came at him at once. The Fwahms! obviously got there first – Fwahm! Fwahm! – grabbing his right arm. The Rader-Wellorffs got to him next, Lady Rader-Wellorff’s hat, with its model of Bottomley Hall, falling off in her hurry to get to his left arm. Vlassorina was next, Vlad doing a Dirk Large stunt leap to fasten a hand on to his right leg. It took Malcolm and Marjorie Bustle a little longer to reach his left leg, possibly because they were avoiding the accusing stares of The Secretary Entity.

  Last up were Elliott and Mama Cool, who shambled up uncertainly and, realising that Barry had no limbs left to grasp, put their hands on his head and shut their eyes and said, for some reason: “OMMMMM.”

  “What are you doing here?” said Barry, stopping their OMMMM before it had really got started. “I thought you didn’t want me anyway.”

  “We’ve, like, changed our minds?” said Elliott Cool.

  “I haven’t!” said Mama Cool.

  “Shh!!” said Elliott.

  “Right. Well, what about you?” Barry said to Vlassorina, who were looking up at him from the ground. “I thought you found a girl to be your child! Patarina!”

  “We put her on The United Kid-Dom’s Got Kids Who Do the Funniest Things! And she won!” said Vlad.

  “Singing a funny version of ‘My Dog’s Surprised by His Own Farts’!!! And now she’s left us to pursue her career in Boysnia-Herzogeweeny!!!” said Morrissina.

  “Oh…” said Barry.

  “Never mind them,” said Lord Rader-Wellorff. “Come back to Bottomley Hall! We won’t make you shoot any more birds!”

  “Unless you want to!” said Lady Rader-Wellorff.

  “No!” said Derek Fwahm! “Come and be with us!”

  “We won’t make you train too hard!” said Emily. Although she was running on the spot as she said it, and Derek was doing a series of head-furtles.

  “It’s us you want to be with!” said Malcolm Bustle. “You’ll be our favourite child!”

  “He didn’t like that, Malcolm. It made him feel bad!” said Marjorie.

  “Oh yes! Y
ou won’t be our favourite child!”

  “No, that doesn’t work either, you idiot!!”

  Barry looked over at the Head. He felt, with all the parents holding on to him, like he was at the centre of some weird gymnastic display.

  The Head just shrugged his shoulders, pointed at the red 24-Hourglass – which must have had only about ten grains left in it – and said: “Gotta decide, Barry…”

  At which point, all the parents just started pulling at him. His legs, his arms, his neck – every bit of his body was being pulled in a different direction.

  “OW!!” screamed Barry. “You’re hurting me!!” But none of the parents seemed to hear him, because they were all shouting his name again.

  “Please!” he screamed. “My arms! My legs! You’re pulling them off!”

  But they just carried on pulling and shouting, pulling and shouting. It really hurt. Barry felt as if he was going to faint. He whirled round, trying to get free, and bang! his body hit something, then he fell and cracked his head.

  Everyone turned; the room was showered in rainbow-coloured glass. The 24-Hourglasses, he thought dimly. I must have knocked them over…

  The thought was never quite finished – a bit like how he imagined his grandpa’s thoughts were these days. Instead, he could feel himself start to lose consciousness.

  But just before he did so, just before his senses disappeared entirely, he had a moment of pure fear. A sense that, if he couldn’t find parents that he liked, there was perhaps some deep black void, some horrible emptiness, waiting for him in this world. He felt he needed to stay awake and choose, somehow, someone, anyone, two people or one person, to be his parents, to look after him… or otherwise…

  But now it was his turn, like the Head, to trail off…

  … into the void.

  CHAPTER THREE

  That was what woke him up, what pulled him out of the dark. His name being called.

  At first, it just seemed to be the various parents shouting at him, trying to get him to come with them. But then Barry heard someone – a woman – saying his name much more softly… Almost whispering it.

  It broke his trance. He wasn’t even sure he was in the Head’s office any more, but he could see, through the darkness, the couple. The man and woman he’d been trying to tell the Head about.

  They were framed by a bright white light. It was so bright, Barry wanted to shut his eyes. But he could still see their faces looking at him. With concern. With hope. And with something else.

  And now…

  Now he knew what that something else was at last. He could see it in their eyes.

  It was love.

  And so he knew, finally, who they were.

  “Mum! Dad!” he said.

  SATURDAY

  CHAPTER ONE

  At first, Barry couldn’t understand where he was. He thought that perhaps he’d gone halfway back into his world and got stuck inside his bedroom wall, behind the poster of James Bond. Because, when the light in his eyes went away, standing in front of him was Q. He knew it was Q because he was wearing a tweed suit. It must have been him shining the light in his eyes, from a pen that was also an ultra-powerful laser.

  Next to Q was a lady with a long dress and big 1960s hair, who seemed to be Miss Moneypenny. And, behind them, he could see lots of other characters – Jaws, and Oddjob, and that strange Spanish man with the blond wig from Skyfall. And he could hear, quite loudly, the theme music playing: Dah Da-Da-Da/Dadada/Dah!da-da-da/Da-Da-Da/DAH-DAH!/Dadada!!!

  But then he realised it wasn’t quite those people. It was people dressed up as them.

  The man who looked like Q was his dad: Geoff Bennett. And the woman dressed as Miss Moneypenny was his mum: Susan Bennett.

  “Barry!” said his mum, rushing forward. “Oh, Barry!” She bent over and hugged his head really tightly and kissed him over and over again. Which made it difficult to see what was going on. But he could just make out his dad’s face. He was smiling, but also crying.

  Why would he be doing that? And why were they dressed like this? And why, Barry thought, looking around him, was he – Barry – in some unfamiliar white bed?

  A man appeared on the other side of the bed. Barry didn’t recognise him, although he did look a little bit like Peevish/Jonty/Big Col. Only Peevish/Jonty/Big Col in a white coat.

  His mum moved back to let this man speak to Barry, but she kept holding his hand.

  “Hello, Barry,” said the man. “I’m Dr Evans.”

  “Hello…” said Barry.

  “Sorry about shining that light in your eyes just now.”

  “Oh. Was that you?”

  “Yes,” he said. “Do you know where you are?”

  “The United Kid-Dom?” said Barry.

  Dr Evans frowned. “No… No. You’re in a hospital. Off the A41… Barry. Do you know what a coma is?”

  Barry thought he did, but before he could answer, his dad spoke.

  “Oh, Barry, I’m so sorry!! I’m so sorry I bought you the wrong Casino Royale!!”

  That seemed so long ago Barry could hardly remember what his dad was talking about.

  “Was it so bad it put me in a coma?” said Barry.

  “What? No! No…” said his dad. “No, it’s just… after you threw it at Mum, we had that row, and I sent you upstairs to bed. And then…” He stopped here and looked away.

  “I ran out and upstairs to my room,” said Barry.

  “No, darling,” said his mum. He looked over at her. “You tripped over.”

  “I did?”

  “Yes. It was my fault. The dishwasher… you know how I always leave it open…?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it’s because there’s always so many dishes on the go, you know…”

  “Yes…”

  “Anyway, I was crouching there, not really looking because you’d thrown that DVD at me… and all my egg timers had fallen off the kitchen counter…”

  “Oh yes! Sorry about that!”

  “That’s OK, my darling. But you were running so fast – and before I knew what had happened you’d slid on all the sand and glass on the floor. You landed on your head.”

  Now she looked away.

  “And then…”

  Barry looked up. It was one of The Sisterly Entity talking. They were dressed as Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, Blofeld’s villainous henchmen from Diamonds Are Forever. Which meant they were both wearing men’s suits and one of them had a fake moustache and glasses. This made Barry start to wonder which of the two worlds – this one or the United Kid-Dom – was real.

  “…then you just lay on the floor.”

  “Yes.”

  “Out cold.”

  “For ages.”

  “Well, until just now really.”

  “You’ve been in a coma for five days, Barry.” This was Dr Evans speaking.

  Barry frowned. Five days? He sat up in bed. Jaws and Oddjob and the strange Spanish man with the wig from Skyfall were at the end of his bed.

  “Hello!” said Jaws.

  “Hi!” said Oddjob.

  “Nice to have you back!” said the strange Spanish man with the wig from Skyfall.

  Only it wasn’t actually them: it was Lukas and Taj and Jake, dressed up. Jake’s wig was even worse than the one in the film.

  “Hello…” said Barry. “But… why are you all here? And why are you all dressed like this?”

  His dad nodded to his mum. His mum nodded to The Sisterly Entity. Who nodded to his friends. Who, as it turned out, were holding the music player that was playing the James Bond theme. Then all together – sort of half to the James Bond theme and half to the normal song – they sang:

  “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, DEAR BAR-RY!! (that bit went with DA-DA!!)… Happy Birthday to you!!”

  As the song ended, his mum produced a really big cake with ten candles surrounding some icing letters that said 007. Straddling the 0s, there was a little James Bond figure with a jet pac
k on.

  “Barry…” said his mum. “We’ve been sitting here every day and every night, hoping and praying that you’d come out of the coma. And then we thought: maybe he’ll come round in time for his birthday. And, if he does, we thought…”

  “We thought we should be ready to give you exactly the birthday party you wanted,” said his dad. “Right here, if necessary.” He bent down and, from a blue canvas IKEA bag, brought out, on a hanger, a child-size tuxedo.

  “Oh wow!” said Barry.

  “There’s a gun to go with it!” said his dad, bending down again.

  “Is it a real one?” said Barry.

  “No,” said his dad. He took out a black, solid-looking revolver. “But it is an exact replica of a Walther PPK.”

  “Oh!” said Barry. “That’s amazing! Thank you so much!”

  “Barry!” said one of The Sisterly Entity. “You’ve forgotten to blow out your candles!”

  Barry turned to them. “Oh yes! Thanks for reminding me, Ginny!”

  Ginny looked confused at being called Ginny by her brother. Perhaps because it had been so long since he’d done so. “I’m Kay,” she said.

  “Oh, sorry. Sorry, Ginny,” he said to the other one. “And thanks, Kay!”

  And then, in one big blow, Barry blew out the candles. He blew so hard that the little James Bond, with his little jet pack, took off from the top of the cake. Which was just perfect.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Later, Barry had to have some tests done by Dr Evans, but, after that, he was allowed to go home. He put on his tuxedo, and he and his mum and dad and his sisters went down in the lift and out into the hospital car park. Parked there was the family’s Ford Fiesta. His parents helped him put all his clothes and all the extra presents he’d got in the back.

  Then his dad said: “OK, Susan, you take the girls home.”

  His mum nodded and got in the car. Ginny and Kay got in the back. They waved at him and shut the doors.

  “Where are we going, Dad?” said Barry.

  “We’re going home too. We’ll follow them.”

  “Right,” said Barry, confused. The house was a long way away. “In what?”