Lilies

by Addyson Thompson

  “Please, Deni don’t do this to us. I’ll protect you. I’ll never let anything happen to you.”I hear him but he sounds so far away. He grabs me by the arms and pulls me into his chest. His chest quakes as his cries become more powerful. I want to believe him. I want to believe he can protect me but it’s not about him protecting me. It’s about him protecting us and he can’t protect us. She’ll never be gone.

  Pulling off my engagement ring, I pick up his hand and place the ring in it before closing his fingers around it.“I can’t. I can’t stay. I’m sorry.”I push him back and start to head back for the door. I have to get out of here. I have to go home.

  “Deni, No! Don’t do this!”He roars after me. His chest is heaving. His fisted hands are pressed into his eyes. I hate this. I hate causing him to feel like this. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to have the family I always dreamed of with him. Now? Now that’s all ruined.

  I shake my head no, whispering,“I’m sorry,”as I continue to head for the door.

  “Fucking run then. I’m tired of chasing you. Tired of begging you to love me. You spent years pissed at me for stupid high school shit but you’ve never once stopped running. Fucking leave then. I’m done being the only one fighting for us.”He shouts at me, seething with anger.

  I gasp and run out the door and back to our loft. He’s right. I’m running again. I’m the one not fighting for us, but I don’t see another option. Tears run down my face the whole way. When I get to my room I collapse onto my bed curling into a ball with my knees to my chest. I let the emptiness consume me. Trix comes in and climbs up on the bed. She walks over to me and circles a couple of times before she lays against my back with her head on my waist.

  He didn’t follow me, but I didn’t think he would. He’s chased me so long, he’s finally done. I don’t blame him. It’s my fault I’m too weak. The silence is too much. I can’t take it. I need noise. I have to drown out my thoughts. I reach up and turn on my iPod. I automatically hit the repeat button without knowing what song is getting ready to play. It doesn’t matter what it is. If the song is about lost love then it will fit with my mood. If it’s about someone finding the happily ever after then I deserve the pain it will cause for not being strong enough to fight for us. Foo Fighters“Best of You”streams through the speakers and I start to cry even harder. Well isn’t that just fucking perfect? Fuck my life. What did I do to deserve this?

  CHAPTER 24

  Gavin

  I stand here in the middle of my living room staring at the closed door. The door that Hayden just walked out. The door she shut on us and our relationship. We were supposed to finish moving my stuff out of here. Now I stand in a silent room except for Hayden’s fucking old school music that streams through my iPod dock. I turned it on when I walked in before I opened the envelope that ended my world. Could this get any fucking worse? Boyz II Men’s‘On Bended Knee’begins to assault my ears. I saw an envelope on the floor by my door. When I opened it I found another threatening note from Kat and pictures of the life I just lost. I thought she was finally gone. I thought Hayden and I were finally free to be happy.

  We were getting married. I had everything I ever wanted at my fingertips. We had plans. Now we won’t get to put our plans into action. Ripped away from me was the privilege of making her mine forever.

  Gone is her sweet voice in my ear.

  Gone is the life we would’ve shared.

  Gone is the love we would’ve made.

  Gone are the babies we could have had.

  Gone is my life.

  The ring sitting in my hand weighs a thousand pounds. Squeezing it as tight as I can, I wonder if it will leave impressions in my hand like the cuts in my heart. I open my hand and look at it.

  What the fuck just happened? I lost her. I lost her again and I don’t think I can get her back this time. I stop my tears.

  I begged her not to run.

  I begged her to stay.

  I begged her to trust in me.

  I begged her to fight for us.

  Then I lost my shit and screamed at her to go ahead and fucking run.

  And she did.

  She ran.

  Again.

  I give into the rage building inside. Her ring is the first thing to hit the wall. Hurling it as hard as I could I hope it shatters into dust. I grabbed the fucking docking stationnext, ripped the cord from the wall. I can’t listen to anymore of her music. Without another thought I slam it as hard as I can against the wall. Good. Now I don’t have to hear that torture. Suddenly that’s not enough. I need to break more. I need to destroy everything I can until my loft looks as bad as my heart feels. I’ve felt this feeling before. It’s nothing but a black hole where my heart once lived. Grabbing the bookshelf I shove it over causing the contents to crash to the floor. I continue the assault on my loft. Breaking as much furniture and shit as I can. Raging like a goddamned crazy man because that’s what I am. I have lost my fucking mind.

  I only stop wrecking my loft long enough to grab the bottle of whisky out of my freezer. I down a shot straight from the bottle feeling the ice cold liquid burn its way down my throat. I take a second then a third generous gulp for good measure. I’m hoping the burn of the whisky will numb the pain in my heart. When it doesn’t work I continue my rampage. The T.V…gulp, pictures on the wall…gulp, couch…gulp, table and chairs…gulp, anything I can get a hold of…gulp.

  When I flip over the glass coffee table I see the picture of Hayden and me at the Homecoming game for our old high school this past fall. She’s facing me with her arms around my neck, her pom-poms on my head. She’s looking over her shoulder at the camera while we stick our tongues out and make goofy faces. That was a great day. We were so happy. The picture was lying on the floor with the broken pieces of glass from the coffee table. Her ring landed next to the picture. Is the universe fucking kidding me? I dropped to my knees on the floor in the middle of the broken glass…gulp. Picking the picture up, I pull it close to my chest before grabbing her ring and sticking it on my little finger. I don’t fight it this time when the pain takes over and the tears fall.

  I can’t keep doing this. A man can only take so much rejection. I’ve been in love with her my whole life. I get that I fucked up once in high school. Everyone does stupid shit in high school but I’ve spent the last year trying to prove to her what a mistake it was. I’ve dealt with her insecurities because I felt like I caused them. I’ve shown her how much I love her. I’ve been patient with her. I asked her to marry me for fuck’s sake. To spend the rest of her life letting me love her but now she’s gone. She’s gone because our fucking past keeps colliding with our future. All I want to do is protect her and yet she’s letting Kat win. Her words,“It’s not the same now. I have to protect us. This is the only way I know how,” keep rattling around in my head. What the hell does that mean? It’s not the same now? Why the fuck not?

  “What the hell happened here?”My sister’s concerned voice comes from behind me. I didn’t even hear her come in. I don’t respond I just sit in the middle of my destroyed living room, a broken heap in the middle of the chaos clutching my picture of us, her ring and my bottle of whisky.

  Amy rushes over to me.“Gavin, are you ok? What’s going on?”

  What do I say? Kat’s back to destroy my life and Hayden just left me. Yep that sounds accurate so that’s what I tell her. I see her pull out her phone and hit a few buttons. About a minute later Jeff comes barging into my loft. Fucking great let’s just get everyone in here. Call all your friends, come look at the freak that’s pined for one girl his whole life and when he finally gets her she runs again.

  Jeff and Amy pick me up off the floor and set me on the couch after Jeff righted it. Before I know what’s happening Jeff has my first aid kit out and cuts my sweats off at the knees where blood has seeped through from the glass cutting into them. He starts pulling broken glass from my hands and knees. I hear Jeff mumble‘motherfucker’under his breath and see his head and should
ers slumping a little when he grabs the hand sporting Hayden’s ring to remove the glass that is embedded in my palm. Yeah, motherfucker is a fair assessment of the situation. He cleans and bandages the cuts without saying anything.

  “I think you’ve had enough.”Amy reaches down and takes the bottle of whisky from me as I go for another drink.“Gav, tell us what actually happened, please. Maybe we can help fix it. Hayden wouldn’t just leave you. She loves you.”Amy says sweetly. She always sees the good in people. She’s too sweet for her own damn good.

  Laughing sardonically,“Yeah, she loves me. Her fucking running all the damn time sure shows that.”I continue and tell them everything the best I can in my drunken stupor showing them the note and picture of Kat and Trix. I only let them see that one because no one gets to see Hayden like that but me. I want to kill Kat for taking something so beautiful and private and destroying it.

  Amy and Jeff look at each other for a moment. I can tell they are talking without saying anything and it makes my heart hurt even more. Hayden and I could always have a conversation simply with our eyes. Words were never important. We knew what the other was thinking. It came from knowing each other so well and now I will never have that with her.

  “Well,”Amy says looking at me.“I think we need to get this glass cleaned up and you need to come home with us. You are way too drunk to stay here by yourself.”

  “No. I’m not going anywhere. You can just get the fuck out.”I spat at them as I jumped up from the couch. How I didn’t fall or stumble I don’t know. I haven’t been this drunk since the weekend I left Hayden’s house in the early morning hours.

  “Gavin, honey, you’re drunk and upset. Kat clearly isn’t mentally stable and she’s already broken in here once and clearly, at yours and Hayden’s place. I’m just looking out for you.”Amy is trying to reason with me, but all reasoning is gone from this situation. If there was reasoning left Hayden would still be here.

  “No you’re just being a bitch and trying to tell me what to do. GET THE FUCK OUT!”I bellow back at her. She looks hurt and I feel like a douche. I am a douche. I know what I said isn’t right but I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so fucking hurt and pissed off right now. I just want to be left alone.

  Before I realize what’s happening, Jeff grabs me by the front of the shirt and pulls me up nose to nose with him. Anger is radiating off him like I’ve never seen before.“Look man, you may be hurting and she may be your sister but that’s MY wife and you are not going to talk to her like that. We’ve put up with a lot of your shit over the years about Hayden and I get why. But you need to get your shit together and show Amy some fucking respect. She’s trying to help you. We’ve come to blows once before and I’m not afraid to go there again.”He sits my drunken ass back down on the couch as he releases my shirt with a shove.“Now, you are going to sit on this couch and as she said, we are going to clean up this glass. Then you are coming home with us. Or do we need to discuss this again?”Jeff is glaring at me.

  I don’t say anything, just nod. What can I say? I’m a world class asshole of the first order right now. I’ve never seen Jeff so pissed off. Not even the night we got into a fight. I know I’m wrong and I know I have no business speaking to Amy that way. I’d kick someone’s ass if they spoke to her that way. I seriously think I’m losing my mind.

  I see Amy in my kitchen. She is looking at her phone. A slight frown crosses her face. When her eyes catch mine I mouth,‘I’m sorry.’I am the ultimate douchebag. She nods at me with a look of pity on her face. Jeff walks over and tosses a bottle of water at me.“Here drink this.”His tone is cold, tight. He’s pissed at me and I don’t blame him.

  I do as I’m told. I drop my head to the back of the couch staring up at my ceiling. My thoughts swim in my head. Next thing I know Jeff is dragging me to my feet. He wraps my arm around his shoulder and his around my waist as he helps me out of my loft and down to his car. He shoves me in the back seat and closes the door. I close my eyes for just a minute. When I open them again the car is moving. Jeff is driving, Amy is in the passenger seat and there is a bucket in my lap. My head is swimming. I can hear them having a hushed conversation but it sounds like I am underwater.

  “Shit! Do you think he knows?”Jeff asks.

  “I don’t think so.”Amy responds glancing over her shoulder at me, I think but I can’t see straight.

  Does who know what? What are they talking about? I try to make myself wake up fully and ask but sleep takes over again.

  Chapter 25

  Hayden

  “HAYDEN!”Brooklyn yells when she comes into my loft. She has her pissed off teacher voice front and center. This is the voice of authority. I’ve watched her use this voice to dress down the powers-that-be at the college and then they apologize to her when she felt there was an injustice taking place. This voice normally scares me because I know shit is about to get real, but I don’t care today. She can say what she wants. She can yell and she can scold but I have to protect us and this is the only way I know how. I’m not even crying anymore I’m so numb. I just don’t have any tears left.

  “Just what the hell are you doing?”Brooklyn’s face is red with anger. I know she loves Gavin too but she just doesn’t understand. No one knows. I don’t look at her I just lay there and stare at the photo in my hand. I pulled it out of my pocket a little while ago while I lay here curled up in my own misery.

  “H, what the fuck is going on? What are you doing? I just got a text from Amy saying she stopped by Gavin’s and he’d trashed his place and you had left him.”Her voice is still harsh.

  I clutch my picture to my chest and stare into space.“Get out.”I tell her as I roll over to face away from her. I don’t want her to tell me how weak I am. I know how weak I am. I’m not her. I can’t.

  “So this is what you’re going to do? You’re just going to run? You’re not going to protect what you want?”She accuses.

  “I am protecting us”I mumble back. I don’t even have the energy to yell.

  “No, you’re running. You’re letting Kat come in between you guys. You need to pull your head out of your ass and wake up. You’re letting her get the best of you. Interesting song you have playing.”referring to the Foo Fighters“Best of You”which is still on repeat. She’s being so harsh, but I don’t really care. She has no idea what she’s talking about.

  “Just. GET. OUT!”I yell without looking back at her.“You have no idea what I’m protecting.”Tears start to stream down my face again. Seriously how am I still crying? I didn’t think there were any more left. I bury my head in my pillow and give into the sobs again.

  I didn’t realize she had walked up to the side of my bed until I felt her take the picture from my hand. I tried to grab it back but I couldn’t get it in time. She already had it. Her face went pale. She looked between it and me a few times before whispering,“Is this what I think it is?”

  “Yes Brooklyn.”My words are laced with ire. I ripped the picture out of her hand. Clutching it back to my chest I pulled the down comforter back over me and drifted back into my pit of despair.“Now you know why I left. NOW, GET OUT!”I growl at her.

  She turned and walked into my bathroom. I heard the faucet turn on and then shut off quickly. Brooklyn crawls onto the bed and sits next to me. She wipes the hair from my face and places a cold wash cloth over my eyes. I just want her to leave. I just want to be alone. I’m so lost. I didn’t want to leave Gavin. I’m just so scared and lost. I don’t know what I’m feeling; too many feelings are racing through me for me to understand them all. It’s easier to just check out. So I do. I let sleep steal me away.

  ~~~

  I woke up a few hours later to find Brooklyn sitting next to me in the bed. She was reading something on her Kindle.

  “Hey”My throat is raw and I have a headache from the emotions of the last 24 hours.

  “Hey”She’s cautious in her response. I know she’s not going to like what I’m about the tell her but it’s what I have to do
.

  “I’m going to head to my parents for a while.”

  “How long are you going to run and hide?”Her question held so much accusation it hurts.

  “I’m not hiding. I just can’t be here right now.”I implore her to understand.

  She climbs out of bed and turns to face me, pointing her finger at me the whole time.“That’s bullshit and you know it. Things got hard so you’re running. You always run when things get too difficult. You cut yourself off from your friends in high school because you were hurt by Gavin. You hurt them too in the process. They loved you and defended you but you turned your back on them. You refused to hang out or talk to them when they tried to help you and Gavin fix the problem. You get your damn feelings hurt and run instead of staying and fighting for what is yours or what you want!

  “He’s a fucking wreck, Hayden. He’ll protect you but you won’t let him. Do you have any idea how bad he’s hurting?”She’s yelling at me now. Brooklyn and I have never once yelled at each other. This only makes it hurt worse. I didn’t run over hurt feelings and I’m not now. I’m fucking scared. Why doesn’t she understand this?

  “YES I KNOW HOW BAD THIS HURTS! You want to know what I’m feeling…well here’s the truth. I don’t know what the fuck I’m feeling. I’m scared. I’m terrified Kat will hurt my baby. Right now she doesn’t know I’m pregnant and I want it to stay that way. I’m terrified she’s going to hurt Gavin. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop this. Have faith in Gavin? Gavin can’t stop this, Brooklyn. Gavin didn’t know she was taking pictures of us making love. She was on our fucking balcony and we didn’t know. GAVIN CAN’T STOP THIS, GODDAMMIT! All I fucking know is I have to get out of here.”I yelled back jumping up from the bed. Turning to face her I continue to yell back at her. The bed is the only thing standing between us.“It hurts too much. This is the bed I shared with Gavin. This is where we were beginning our lives together. We snuggled here. We talked here. We made love here. We planned our lives here. I can’t stay here. This place is also one of the places Kat broke into. She took a picture with my dog. She took a picture of us making love. It’s really not up to anyone. I am going home for a little while and I want to be left alone.