by Cowan, Debra
“You’re here now and no one followed you,” she said brightly. “That’s what matters.”
He studied her for a minute. “Wanna eat before we set up our lab?”
She nodded, taking his now-empty bag and folding it to place under the sink with the others. “I thought I’d call Terra.”
His gaze sliced to her. “What? Why?”
“To ask for some chemistry help. I won’t mention anything about you or the task force or any kind of trouble. If she asks, I’ll tell her I can’t explain why I need to know.”
He was silent for a moment. “Use one of the new phones and keep it short. I don’t think anyone’s on to us, but the fewer chances we take, the better.”
She agreed, calling her fire-investigator friend while Gage made grilled cheese sandwiches.
When she hung up and turned off the phone, he glanced at her. “Was she any help?”
“Maybe. I’ll know when we start experimenting.”
After a quick lunch and cleanup, they began. Meredith wished she hadn’t been so transparent about her worry, but she couldn’t just push aside her concern. Just as she hadn’t been able to block the want that had started a slow throb in her blood last night when he’d warned her what would happen if she touched him.
That macho stuff usually aggravated her, but last night, for some perverse reason, she’d liked it. Enough that she’d dreamed about him. Them. Sweaty, hard-pulsing sex dreams that left her aching even now.
In an effort to cool her blood, she reminded herself how things ended between them eighteen months ago. Though she wanted him, she didn’t want everything that came with wanting him.
But had she been the one to draw the line? Oh, no. It had been Gage.
After being stifled for so many months, her hormones were tap-dancing. She could tell herself it was because she hadn’t been with anyone since him, but she knew her body wouldn’t respond this way to just any man. It was Gage. He’d always affected her this way.
But Meredith wouldn’t let herself get distracted by that. Or by brushing elbows with him. The glancing touches, the occasional graze of his hip against hers made her edgy, restless. Hungry. She didn’t want to get involved with him again. Their problem was too fundamental—she’d always been second to his job—and he hadn’t ever seemed willing to change. Meredith didn’t know if a person could change that much. Or even if they should. Such single-minded focus was what made him excel at his job.
They stood shoulder to shoulder over the kitchen counter. He smelled of the sharp outdoor air and woods and an earthy musk. She didn’t know if their working so closely was such a good idea, but she wanted to help, so here they were.
They’d decided to test three thickeners at a time. That would enable them to keep track of their results without getting too much information at once.
To begin, they made the egg-based gasoline gel by separating the egg whites from the yolks, then pouring the whites into a jar and adding the fuel.
They chose powdered sugar, baking soda and Epsom salts as their first thickening agents. After adding those ingredients to the jars, Gage handed Meredith a cooking thermometer. “While I’m stirring the mixture, you heat up some water. Let me know when it’s at sixty-five degrees.”
“What are we doing?” She searched under the cabinet next to the store and pulled out a two-quart-sized saucepan.
“Making the gel thicker. After it cools to room temperature, we’ll dip it in the paraffin.”
They worked in silence for a bit and Meredith found her attention wandering to Gage. He worked with confident, yet careful movements. The smothering odor of gasoline grew stronger and she wrinkled her nose.
“Where are we going to set fire to this stuff?” she asked.
“Out back in the galvanized tub I found against the side of the cabin. We can fill some small buckets with water to have close by in case we accidentally torch something.”
She nodded, watching as he delicately handled an egg. She remembered his strong broad hands on her, touching her face, stroking the small of her back, trailing low across her stomach.
A sharp tug of desire jerked her to attention and she shifted away. Tension coiled in her shoulders. The cabin was starting to feel about as big as a cracker box.
She focused on the water heating on the stove. As she checked its temperature, she felt Gage’s gaze do a slow glide down her body and back up. Even pretending to ignore him didn’t stop the sparks of heat shooting through her whole body.
She wanted him just as much as he wanted her, maybe more considering she hadn’t had sex since they’d split up. Had he? She wasn’t asking.
He had loved her. Meredith had never doubted that, which made it more difficult to understand his unwillingness to get married. It had taken her months to realize and accept that he really didn’t want to have a wedding, but once she had, she’d returned his ring.
She’d been willing to commit. He hadn’t. Why?
She’d never known for sure. At the time, she’d been too hurt and angry to ask him. Did it matter why? Did it matter now?
Yes, she decided. She turned, resting her hip against the corner of the stove so she could see him. Water bubbled in the heating pot. A foot away, Gage stirred the contents of a jar, his spoon clinking against the glass.
In the quiet of the small kitchen, her words were stark, bald. “Why didn’t you ever want to get married?”
He froze, spoon in midair over another jar, his back to her. After a long moment, he laid the silverware on a paper towel and turned to face her. Both hands curled over the counter’s edge, as if he were bracing himself.
“I did want to get married.” His blue eyes burned into hers. “That’s why I proposed.”
If you’d wanted to get married, we would have! Meredith bit back the scathing words. “You wouldn’t ever agree on a date or suggest one that worked for you.”
He looked down at the floor, his jaw working. Then he seemed to come to a decision and lifted his gaze to hers. “I had this stupid idea that I’d be giving up more than I wanted to.”
“More what?” She stiffened. “Freedom?”
“That, and control.”
Stung, she couldn’t breathe for a moment. “You make it sound like I was forcing you to get married. As if I could. You were the one who asked. When you propose to someone, it’s supposed to be because you want to be with them, not because you feel like you can’t get away from them.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“Did I make you feel trapped?” Her voice thickened. “Chained to me?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I never wanted to get away from you. I just wasn’t ready for marriage, but I didn’t know that until I went into WitSec. That’s when I figured out my priorities weren’t in good order. My priorities about a lot of things, not just us. But being away from…” He hesitated, making her wonder if he had started to say something else. “Being alone sorted them out pretty quickly. That’s when I realized the things I’d been forced to give up, the things I’d been worried about giving up were the things I wanted the most.”
“Gave up?” Blinking away tears, she couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. “Some of it you pushed away.”
“I know, and I take responsibility for that. Losing you made me open my eyes.”
“Oh, please.”
“It’s true, Meredith,” he said fiercely.
Fiercely enough that she shivered. She softened. “It’s better that you knew before we got married. I wish I’d known sooner.”
“Why? So you could’ve broken up with me earlier?”
“No.” His scornful tone tripped her anger, her hurt. “So I wouldn’t have been disappointed over and over.”
“Do you want me to apologize again?” His voice was rough with emotion. “Say what an idiot I was? Open up a vein?”
“No, I don’t want anything like that.”
“What, then?”
She thought he winced before he glanced away. The regret in his face was every bit as sharp as what she felt over them. Over what she’d just said. She mentally chided herself. She didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to hurt herself anymore. “It didn’t work out and now I know why. I’ve always wondered. Thanks for telling me.”
Right now she wanted to touch him more than anything. Those gas fumes must be going to her head. “I just wanted some answers.”
“For closure?” he asked tiredly.
Meredith was afraid there would never be closure. She shook her head. “No, just answers.”
He searched her eyes and it took supreme self-control to hide what was happening inside her. Finally, he nodded and turned back to stir the gas-gel mixture.
She felt as if she were going to shatter into tiny pieces. How could she stand so close to him and pretend she was over him? She didn’t know, but somehow she would. He might’ve been the one to draw the line in their relationship, but she’d be the one to make sure they didn’t cross it.
Damn it, she drove him crazy. Gage didn’t see how he could be more conscious of her than he had been before the “marriage” talk, but he was.
As they worked together in the following hours, they kept their conversation strictly to the experiments or the news. But it was as if every second brought a heightened awareness of her, even outdoors.
The next afternoon, they stood on the small deck of the cabin, setting fire to another block of gasoline gel. The sun was bright, the air crisp. Images of Meredith, sharp and clear, and without the dark winter coat that hit her midthigh, looped through his brain.
He pictured the soft curve of her neck, the elegant line of her back, those long sleek legs and perfect backside. And even though the bite of gasoline drowned her subtle scent, Gage knew he could find it in the warm crook of her neck or at her wrist.
It was killing him.
Her question from yesterday still circled through his head. He hadn’t wanted to tell her why he’d dragged his feet about getting married. Women never understood stuff like that exactly as men meant it, but he’d spent the past year letting her believe a lie. He wasn’t lying to her about anything else.
He’d been crazy in love with her, so it had taken him a while to figure out why he hadn’t wanted to set a date for their wedding. Now that he knew the reason, he didn’t mind if Meredith knew, too. If he ever got a second chance with her—and he wasn’t holding his breath—he wanted her to know he realized how wrong he’d been.
But explaining his reasons had put more distance between them. Gage told himself that was good because it was what she wanted. But it bugged the hell out of him.
Since yesterday, they’d tested and made detailed notes on nineteen combinations of accelerants. Each of the burned blocks of gel fuel had left residue from at least one of its ingredients, except for the last two. Only a trace remained of those so Gage wanted to test the same combinations using different amounts of certain elements and see what happened.
They were discussing which to try first when they were interrupted by a ring tone from inside the enclosed back porch. “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey pegged the ringing phone as Meredith’s. Setting Gage’s notebook on the window ledge, she moved to answer it, the screened door clattering shut behind her.
With a cheerful greeting, she went inside the cabin. He wondered who was on the other end of the phone.
Four days. That was all he had left with her, depending on the outcome of the trial. And he had to keep his hands off her.
When she didn’t return after a few minutes, Gage decided now was a good time for a break. They had yet to mix up the next gel sample so he gathered the tub and three small empty containers they’d used, then placed them just inside the screen door.
As he stepped into the welcome warmth of the cabin, he slipped off the down-lined coat Meredith had pestered him to buy in Texarkana. When he walked past the bedroom, he heard the low cadence of her voice. He hoped she didn’t talk much longer. Just because they hadn’t run up against any problems since their last cell phone call didn’t mean their communications were safe.
He filled a tea kettle with water and set it on the stove to heat. After a couple of minutes, he heard her say goodbye to the caller and come down the short hallway toward the kitchen.
She stopped at the breakfast bar, looking across the counter where he stood next to the stove, dumping packets of cocoa mix into two mugs.
Before he could ask, she said, “That was Robin.”
A call from Meredith’s cop friend didn’t automatically mean something was wrong, but the worry in her voice said there was. Gage’s shoulders tightened. “Is your family all right?”
“Yes.”
Relief rolled through him. When she didn’t say anything more, he cocked his head. Her brow was furrowed and he could practically hear the wheels turning in her head. What was going on?
Sober-faced, she walked to the sofa and sat. Gage switched off the stove, moved the kettle of water to the hot pad on the counter and went to the matching red leather chair.
His knee brushed hers as he sank down into the seat. “What is it?”
The slow way she answered told him she was trying to remain calm. Concern shadowed her blue eyes. “Robin said someone broke into my house.”
“What?” He stiffened in alarm.
“She’s been going by my place to pick up my mail and check the house. When she went today, she discovered someone had been there. Nothing was taken that she could tell. They must have been interrupted.”
Maybe, Gage thought, apprehension drumming through him.
“That isn’t all. Early this morning, she had to stop by Presley Medical Center to take a statement. A nurse there told her a man with an Hispanic accent has called the hospital twice, wanting to speak to me, but when the nurse asked some questions, he hung up. Robin thinks that might’ve been the prowler’s way of seeing if I was home.”
After a minute, she said what Gage was thinking. “If the caller was Julio, he could’ve easily found out where I live and work from the dead marshal.”
Julio also might’ve broken in to leave something, rather than take. The thought had Gage’s nerves stretching taut.
“Robin’s waiting to hear if any of the fingerprints found at the house are in the system.”
Identifying prints would be a huge help. Gage hoped some were found. He had never gotten any prints from the Smoke Screen arsons because the torch had been careful not to leave any. Possibly because the arsonist knew that, despite popular belief, fingerprints didn’t disappear in a fire. Which was another indicator that whoever was behind the arson ring had extensive fire knowledge. If the go-between who had set the Smoke Screen fires was the person who’d broken into Meredith’s house, Detective Daly likely wouldn’t get any prints, either.
“Terra told Robin about my call for some chemistry help.”
The mention of Meredith’s friend drew Gage’s attention back to her.
“That plus the break-in and the fact that I’ve stayed down here longer than expected made her hinky. I told her everything was fine.”
Her voice shook slightly and Gage checked the urge to take her hand. “That’s good.”
“That’s why we haven’t seen Julio.” Meredith stood, her voice rising. “He’s in Presley. There are pictures of Robin, Terra and me all over my house. What if he hurts them because he can’t find me?”
“Let’s not jump the gun.” Gage got to his feet. “He probably can’t identify them.”
“If he’s been watching my house, he’ll recognize Robin from going there.” Meredith sounded close to frantic as she paced to the opposite end of the couch. “And if she starts digging around, she could put herself in danger.”
“She’s a cop. She’s good at protecting herself.”
Meredith didn’t look reassured. “I didn’t breathe a word to either of them about you being alive or what we were doing, but Julio doesn’t know that. H
e could think I told them.”
It was true, which meant her friends might be in danger. Meredith definitely was, since the SOB was still looking for her.
Tension pulsed from her. Clasping her hands together tight enough to show white at the knuckles, she moved to the fireplace. “I need to warn them and my family.”
“You can’t.” He reached for her, then pulled back. He hated this. He felt as if he’d be violating some sacred oath if he touched her in any way.
The flush of anger on her features didn’t hide the fear also lurking there. “It’s one thing for me to be involved in this, but them? What if my mom or dad go by the house? What if he hurts them?”
Gage understood her rising panic. It was bad enough when she worried about herself, but the idea that people she loved might be hurt stripped away her cool doctor persona. The same fierce loyalty and protectiveness had made her help Gage long after she should have stopped. “I’ll call Ken Ivory and tell him what’s happened.”
“What can he do?”
“If it will make you feel better, I’ll ask about having someone watch Terra and Robin. He won’t be able to tell them about it, though.”
“This is all because of you,” she cried out, her eyes welling with tears.
It was, and the ripping, gouging hurt joined the guilt and regret he carried all the time. If he’d had any stones at all, he would’ve climbed right back into his SUV after she’d patched him up the first time, dragged himself out of her lake house on his belly if necessary. But he hadn’t, and now here they were.
“I’m sorry, Meredith.”
“I’ve got to call my family.”
“We don’t know what we’re dealing with. Whoever broke in may have done nothing. Or he could’ve put a camera or microphones in your house.”
Horror widened her eyes and she moved to the other side of the coffee table. “Robin won’t know to look for anything. I need to tell her.”
“You can’t. Since nothing is missing, she’ll try to figure out why someone broke in. She’ll look at every inch of your house.”
Gage cursed himself all over again for putting her in danger, but he couldn’t let her warn her family. The risks to them and to Meredith would be even greater. If Julio thought her family might know about her killing the marshal or Gage coming back from the dead or the real mastermind behind those arsons, all hell would break loose.