by M. J. Scott
No. I didn’t. But when it came right down to it, faceless thousands sounded better than me being at his mercy.
I shivered again. “It’s suicide.”
“It might be redemption.”
“You sound like Guy. You’re Blood, not human.”
“So I cannot believe in good because I am a vampire? Why then did I ever help you?”
Lords of hell, he was deadly with his aim. He had helped me. Simon had helped me too. For his own reasons, true, but he had gotten me away from Lucius. “I didn’t mean that you were like the other, I just . . .”
“I think you should do it. Help the humans. Bring Lucius down,” Atherton said again. “In fact, I might have to insist.”
I stilled. “Insist?”
“You have a secret you want kept. I think my silence now has a different price.”
Fuck. I should’ve seen that coming.
Curses flooded through my head, but I bit down on them as I bit down on the urge to draw my dagger and show him exactly what could happen to those who tried to force me to their will. But Atherton had me over a barrel and he knew it. Sure, I could return and kill him, but there was one person that Simon would lay the blame for that act on. I might as well put the noose around my neck myself.
Atherton knew that as well as I did.
I was beginning to see why Lucius might have wanted him out of the Court. He was smart and obviously, despite his good side, he could be ruthless when he wanted to be.
“You’re blackmailing me?”
“No, merely presenting you with another choice.”
Choices. I was beginning to hate that word. Perhaps it was just easier to stay in my cage. I could go back to Lucius and resume my life. For as long as it might last before Lucius killed me out of addiction or madness.
I could also choose to tell Simon the truth, but that carried just as high a cost. He would look at me like he looked at these bodies in the beds. I would no longer see that different world in his eyes.
Or I could do as Atherton wanted.
Three bad choices. But one of them meant that Simon would still look at me as he had back in his office. Like I was real and worthy.
“I want your word,” I said. “Swear to me you won’t tell him if I do what he wants. Blood oath.”
“Fine,” Atherton said. “My word. Now give me yours.”
“Yes,” I said. “I’ll do it. But I will tell Simon in my own time. Agreed?”
“Agreed. As long as your own time isn’t any longer than the next day.”
“Bastard,” I said softly.
Atherton smiled. “It’s for the greater good.”
“Fuck the greater good,” I muttered. My heart was racing. How had my life tumbled so far into madness in a few short days?
I didn’t want to think about it anymore. If I did I might scream. I stared at the still forms of the locked in the beds around me. I had to believe that Simon and Atherton could find a cure. One that might work for me. It would be the one thing that would make my gamble worthwhile.
To be free of the need and Lucius. Perhaps then I could be something more than a killer.
“Do they . . . when you give them the blood, do they react?”
“Do they feel the pleasure?” Atherton said, sounding slightly amused. “Perhaps they do. But they give no outward sign. Their bodies and minds are essentially disconnected at this point.”
“Oh.”
“You sound disappointed,” he said very softly. Too soft for Simon to hear. “Did you want to try it for yourself?”
“No.” I shivered slightly. No, I wasn’t going to take another vampire’s blood. Not unless there was no other alternative. Especially not if it meant that I would react in the usual way.
“Then what are you planning to do?”
“I don’t know.” My hand clamped down on my dagger, fingers digging into the hilt in frustration. “I don’t suppose you have any helpful suggestions?”
“The blood brings pleasure,” Atherton said, voice dropping even lower. “It is the pleasure the body craves. I would suggest giving it what it craves.”
“What?” I stared up at him. True, the blood-locked were indiscriminate in their bedding of anything that moved, but I had always resisted that path. I had to surrender my body to its needs when I drank the blood. The rest of the time, I guarded it as the one thing I truly commanded. The one thing that was mine. “Are you suggesting that I . . . with who exactly?”
He nudged my arm, turning me in the direction of Simon. “He smells of desire. And of you. I would think the solution is simple.”
“That’s your idea of simple?” It was an effort to keep my voice low. The thought of taking Simon to bed was . . . unnerving. To give up that last defense. But also made a horrible sort of sense. After all, I knew he wanted me and I knew I was not averse to him.
If it could buy me time from the need. Time to free myself. To step toward the place where I didn’t need to hold myself separate. But to do so in these circumstances? When both of us were intent on our own purposes? It felt horribly calculating to contemplate. But if he were willing . . . how could mutual pleasure hurt him?
The harder part would be keeping it simply to that and no more.
“It’s my idea of a solution.”
“Will it work?” I needed to believe it would. Otherwise, why would I even contemplate making the situation still more complicated? I wanted to be free, not entangled in whole new ways. I needed a clear head. One that would let me choose to leave without a blink if the situation came to that.
Could I take Simon to my bed and then let him go again?
“It should at least buy you time,” Atherton said. Then his mouth curved in a wicked smile. “But you’ll never know unless you try it.”
Chapter Thirteen
I paused as I closed the last of the warded doors. “Are you going to”—I wriggled my fingers—“what do you call it?”
“Shadowing,” Lily said, tilting her head. “No. Should I?”
The question was more, would she reappear if she did? I still wasn’t sure exactly what she was going to do with the information I’d just given her. Would she run to Lucius? Or would she prove me right and decide to help us? I had the feeling that, with Lily, the road to trust was going to be a long one. With no certainty of arriving at the destination.
“I thought you might wish to return the way you came.” I tightened my grip on the sunlamp I’d picked up on our way out of the wards. I didn’t want to light it. Not if I didn’t need to.
She looked down at the sunlamp, then up at me with an odd expression. “I’d rather walk with you. If that is acceptable?”
“Of course.” Guy wouldn’t be exactly thrilled if he found us wandering outside the Brother House, but if we were together at least no one could accuse Lily of spying or something equally unsavory.
No one apart from me. But I didn’t have to accuse. I knew she’d been spying.
Discovering Atherton was spying of a sort—but I had to hope she was doing it on her own initiative, not for Lucius. I wanted to believe she had good intentions. I’d shared my secret with her. A secret not even Guy knew about. All to see if she would truly choose to help us. But even if she did keep faith with me, if she fell back into Lucius’ grasp, then suns knew what might happen. I swung the lamp in my hand, suddenly weary. “Let’s go.”
We walked in silence. I didn’t want to push my luck and press my case. She’d been pushed enough for one day. We reached the main tunnels and turned back toward the Brother House. Lily’s expression was distant in the gaslight, not seeming to really notice her surroundings.
I resigned myself to waiting, but then she stopped in her tracks, turned to me. She started to speak, then stopped.
“Lily?” I asked, prompting gently.
“I’ve decided to do as you asked,” she said.
I nearly dropped the lamp, relief rushing through me. I tightened my grip, a small tremor shivering down my arm. I
was pushing too hard again. Not smart. Whatever else I did tomorrow, I needed to spend several hours outdoors. Even if that meant climbing hundreds of steps to the roof of St. Giles. “What changed your mind?”
Her head tilted at me, her eyes filled with an emotion I couldn’t quite identify. “You convinced me,” she said.
“How?”
“My reasons don’t matter. I said I’d do it.”
I wanted to hug her but doubted she’d take it that well. “Thank you,” I said instead. “You’re doing the right thing.” I fought to keep a grin off my face. She was staying. And she would help us bring Lucius down. Help us bring lasting change and peace to the City. Exultation drove away the lingering fatigue dogging me.
She half smiled, then continued walking. She moved almost silently. In her wake floated a hint of Bryony’s tonic and the fresh bread they’d eaten for dinner and the soap the hospital laundry used. It shouldn’t have been an appealing combination, but as I walked beside her, I found myself breathing deliberately deep as if to inhale her essence and understand her that way. Catch her within and keep her there.
She’d said yes. As the first surge of excitement faded a little, I found myself torn once more. I hoped she wasn’t lying. In her place, I would lie if I thought it would save my skin. She was an assassin, a killer. Trained to survive. I didn’t know if I could trust her, much as I wanted to.
Despite all of that I still wanted her.
Wanted to taste her mouth again.
Wanted to burn.
I didn’t understand how or why she’d gotten under my skin so fast, but she had.
We reached the Brother House and the corridor that housed our chambers. The guards were nowhere to be seen. Hopefully that meant they were at services or elsewhere on their circuit, not off raising the alarm because they’d discovered Lily was missing. But there were no noises to indicate a house roused to hunt down a vanished wraith.
I opened the door to her room, holding it politely. “Good night, Lily.” I didn’t know what else could possibly be said.
Ask me in?
Kiss me again?
Tell me if you’re going to cut out my heart so I can go grab a bowl to catch the blood?
Unholy fucking insane.
I should run to the chapel and prostrate myself before Guy’s God and ask to be healed of her. But I could no more ask to be healed of my powers or the color of my eyes.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Gray eyes studied me for a moment before she walked into the room. Just inside the door, she turned. “Come in for a moment.”
My heart froze, then stuttered back to life.
Calm down, Simon.
She probably wanted to talk more about what she had just agreed to do. Or bash me over the head with a chair so she could run. I had no idea which was more likely.
I nodded, though, and followed her into the room, unable to resist her invitation.
The room felt smaller somehow. The small bed loomed large. She’d stuffed pillows or something under the blankets to resemble a body. An unconvincing facsimile.
“The next time you want to make it look like someone’s in your bed, you should try a glamour.”
“I don’t do glamours,” she said. She crossed to the bed, pulled the pillows free, and shoved them both under the table. Her haste left the bed temptingly rumpled. I turned my gaze away, leaning against the stone wall, wishing the chill at my back would run through my veins and calm my racing heart.
“Was there something you wanted to talk about?”
I kept my voice deliberately low. The Templars were celibate inside the walls of the Brother House. It was pushing their boundaries enough to have Lily here without flaunting the fact that I was alone in her bedchamber so late at night.
“It’s getting late,” I added when she stayed silent. “Or early rather.” It had to be close to three. In a few more hours the Brothers would be stirring and Guy would, no doubt, come to fetch me to talk to the Abbott General. At least I would have something better than “she said no” to report, but I still wasn’t looking forward to the conversation. Father Cho had a way of making me feel like a gawky fifteen-year-old again. “I’m tired.”
Beyond tired.
I put the sunlamp down beside my feet. Lily had lit the short, thick candle on the table and in the flickering light, she was a creature of flame. But flames didn’t bite their lips and look nervous.
What now? “Lily? Either spit it out or I’m going to bed.”
She swallowed. “Did you mean it before?”
“Which particular before are you referring to?” Today had lasted several lifetimes already.
“At the hospital.” Her tongue flickered out briefly as if her lips were dry. “The . . . the kiss.”
I was suddenly doubly grateful for the wall at my back. “Did I intend to kiss you?” I hoped I didn’t sound as surprised to her ears as I did to my own.
A nod.
“Yes. I wanted to kiss you.” I still wanted to. I folded my arms, mainly to stop myself from hauling her close. Blood roared in my ears as it drained out of my head and rushed south.
I needed to remember that Lily had her own agenda. It would be wise to understand what it was before I did anything stupid.
“And you liked it?” Her voice was rough as if more than her lips were dry. The resulting husk seemed to rasp along my skin, raising the hairs on my arms. I went hard, as though she’d planted her hand on my groin rather than just spoken. I swore softly. “Yes. Couldn’t you tell?”
She looked away.
What the hell did that mean? Was she flirting or playing some other game? I’d expect her to be direct about her wants. She wasn’t exactly shy and retiring. You couldn’t be Lucius’ chief executioner and be shy and retiring. Confusion mixed with lust as I schooled myself to wait.
Her gaze rose to my face again, eyes large and luminous in the candlelight. “Would you like to do it again?”
I couldn’t speak. Suddenly my mouth was as dry as the stones beneath my feet. “What sort of question is that?”
“A fairly normal one.” She sounded defensive.
I snorted, beating back the roar of blood in my veins and the voice inside yelling at me not to ruin things with questions and just do it. “Lily, nothing about this situation is remotely normal.”
I dug my hands into the rough linen coverlet, hoping it would ease the damp feeling of my skin. Ease the blood warming my cheeks and the knowledge that I was doing this all wrong. Simon was right. Nothing about this was normal. I wasn’t normal. This was a completely absurd idea.
Why would I listen to what one of the Blood told me to do? Atherton had said it himself, he was only blind, not damaged in other ways. He was just as capable of scheming and misdirecting as any other vampire. He had been quick enough to grasp an advantage over me. His advice might be just another way of gaining a still greater hold over me. For all I knew, having sex would just make the need worse.
I should send Simon away. Before the need and desire beating at me made me do something irrevocable. His eyes seemed very bright and I felt my cheeks grow hotter still. Cheeks and the rest of me. I should stop this. Now.
“Forget I asked,” I said.
He laughed. It didn’t sound terribly amused. More torn.
“That’s just it,” he said. “I can’t.”
He moved then, glowing and golden in the candlelight. Came to me and knelt on the floor before me so our faces were nearly level.
“The thing is,” he said softly. “I don’t think you can either. Can you?”
His eyes locked with mine. His were open, guileless. Full of questions, wariness, and yes, more than a hint of desire. But also open like the sky they resembled. You could trust what lay behind them.
I didn’t think the same was true of what lay behind mine.
“Lily.” His hand stretched out, touched my face.
I shivered and my hands clung harder to the linen. His fingers were warm and ge
ntle. Familiar. He’d touched me before with gentleness. But gentleness wasn’t what I needed right now.
If I was going to be brave enough to go through with this . . . and yes, part of me burned to do so as I breathed his scent deep into my lungs . . . then I needed not to think too hard. Needed to let go and let everything I’d worked so hard to lock away take over. I shivered again.
“Lily, I’ll go if you want me to. But I’d rather stay.”
A pulse beat strongly in his neck and I could hear the matching thump, thump, thump of his heart.
“S-stay,” I said thickly, mouth dry as my tongue stumbled on the word.
A smile flamed to life across his face. “All right.”
Now what? My throat tightened. I didn’t know how this worked. Oh, the mechanics, certainly, I was aware of those. I had seen plenty of couplings in my time. You couldn’t walk through walls without coming upon a few unwary lovers. And the Blood tend to mingle sex with feeding. As do those who seek them. Growing up in the warrens beneath Lucius’ Court precluded being ignorant of sex.
So I knew how flesh moved on flesh. What I didn’t know was how it felt or how one went about moving from this point to the next. Did he kiss me? Should I reach out and kiss him? I remembered the taste of him all of a sudden, and the need gripped harder, sending a pulsing ache through my stomach and lower.
Heat flared in my face, and my nipples went hard against my shirt. Unnerved and uneasy, I reached up and pulled pins from my hair, freeing it to fall forward, sheltering my face from his gaze. Then, embarrassed, I hid the reason for my movement by reaching for the top button of my shirt.
Simon’s hand captured mine. “There’s no rush.”
“I—”
“Shh.” He pressed his mouth to mine, solving at least one part of my problem. I wasn’t going to have to make the first move.
I let him lead for a while. His kisses started soft. Teasing, even. Barely brushing my lips until mine began to tingle and burn and I leaned toward him, wanting more. His hands drifted through my hair, easing the last few pins and unwinding the strands as delicately as his mouth moved on mine. I reached and fisted my hand in his shirt.