We returned to the house, where extended family and close friends had brought food. With little to no appetite, after as much “peopling” as I could handle, I excused myself to climb the stairs with dragging feet. My body fell, fully clothed, onto the bed, where I lay staring at the ceiling. Despite feeling like I had cried myself dry during the memorial, tears leaked from my eyes. Endlessly, they ran down the side of my head into my hair.
The inconsolable sadness was devouring me and had my heart aching so bad, I wondered if my chest would cave. In my grief, I questioned whether I was even worth loving. After all, so many people who had loved me had been taken from me; their lives cut short well before their time.
Was I jinxed? Unlucky? Was that really a thing? My sorrow ran so deep at that moment, I didn’t even feel like the rest of my own life was worth living. In those, my darkest moments, I prayed to fall asleep and just never wake up. It hurt too much to even think, so I let myself slip into the yawning darkness.
The last few days had consisted of Linda showing me around Seattle while Levi and Logan went to band practice. Levi and I went for morning runs, and Mac met us for lunch. While we’d all been a wreck after the service and needed time alone, things slowly got a little better. The pain wasn’t as intense, but it left a numb sensation in its wake.
After a particularly busy day, I had excused myself to take a nap. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and it was catching up to me.
Heart pounding, I sat straight up in bed from a nightmare I couldn’t remember. I woke to complete silence in the house, the sky beginning to darken as night descended. Despite sleeping for hours, I remained exhausted and drained. But the thought of sitting in the room that had belonged to Lucas was bringing me down. I wished I had taken Levi up on his offer of his room. Panic clawed at my throat, telling me I needed to get out of there.
I needed to find a way to collect my thoughts and calm my heart, so I dressed in some running clothes and let myself out of the house without encountering anyone. Pausing, I considered going back in and knocking on Levi’s door to ask him to join me. Everything seemed easier to deal with when we were together.
Hesitation held me in place. My gaze flickered to the house then to my feet as I worried my lip between my teeth. More than I should, I wanted him with me.
That thought had guilt rearing its ugly head, because it was more than just wanting him with me and I was ashamed. Each day had my attraction to Levi growing. I’d analyzed my thoughts and it had nothing to do with conducting a plug and play with Levi for Lucas.
Levi had quickly proved he was still the same man I’d become friends with over the last ten months. However, after spending time with him, I’d also realized he was very different than Lucas. Despite looking alike and both being good people, their personalities were unique. In fact, I no longer had moments where I mistook him for Lucas.
What I was experiencing was my insides going haywire whenever I was close to him. It didn’t happen with anyone but him, so it wasn’t just stupid female urges or some shit. And that’s where the guilt bombarded me. It had only been two months, I shouldn’t want to be with another man so soon. Should I?
Shaking off my indecision, I set out.
The breeze was brisk when I reached the beach. A shiver rippled down my spine as the wind ripped hair loose from my ponytail, whipping it in my face. With trembling hands, I pulled my hoodie over my head and tucked my ponytail into the back of the neckline.
Inhaling a deep, fortifying breath, I set out at an even, steady pace. Mindlessly, I followed the path Levi and I had run each day since I arrived. It was still an unfamiliar area to me, and I was a woman alone. Self-preservation should have made me pay more attention to my surroundings. Unfortunately, at that moment in time, I really didn’t care.
Instead, I pushed myself harder than I normally would have.
Running.
Faster and faster.
Focusing only on putting one foot in front of another.
But no matter how fast I ran, guilt and hazy shadows of my recent nightmare kept up with me. Nipping relentlessly at my heels.
When I arrived back at the beach where I started, I bent over with my hands resting on my knees.
Gasping.
Trying unsuccessfully to catch my breath. Suffocating in my agony.
It was cool out, but I was drenched in sweat. It began to dry in the chilly wind, leaving my skin cold, tight, and itchy.
A keening whimper slipped from my lips as I dropped to my knees on the pebbly sand. My fingers grasped handfuls of the coarse ground. Shudders wracked my shoulders as I sobbed. Grief drove my actions, and I screamed at the unfairness of it all. I should have had Levi come with me, because I needed his strength so fucking bad.
I missed my dad. I missed my grandmother. I missed Lucas’s smiling face. Regardless of whether our engagement was right or wrong, I was angry.
What had started as a brisk breeze, had transformed to a violent gale to match my mood. The tide was strong, thanks to the wind, and the waves crashed violently on the shore. Spray hit me, and the encroaching darkness carried my cries out over the water. Anger had me savagely throwing the handfuls of sand.
“Why, God? It’s not fair, dammit! It’s not fucking fair!” My shrieks were swallowed by the gusts, silenced in the storm that brewed both in the air and in my mind. I was tired of losing people. I was irate at myself for possibly leading Lucas on. I hated myself for wanting to be with his brother.
Being attracted to Levi was wrong. But if it was so wrong, why did it feel so damn right?
What I now know was that I was simply not thinking clearly.
Without conscious thought to my movements, I rose. Chest heaving, I ran toward the cold, churning water. My only intent was to drown out the frustrations in my angry fragmented heart in the foaming blackness.
“Drowning (Face Down)”—Saving Abel
The last few days were a bit of a blur. I’d get up, run with Poppy, and go practice with the guys. Aiden had flown down to Texas to drive his mom and sister back. Since he was gone, I was on lead guitar and lead vocals. I practiced until my fingers were raw.
After I got home from practice, the house was silent. Too silent, and I needed to get the fuck out of there. Quietly, I left the house with a specific destination in mind: the beach where the three of us brothers had played endlessly as children.
It was always my safe haven. I could always count on the steady ebb and flow of the waves to calm my thoughts and heart. Anytime I was home on leave, I found myself there.
Straddling one of the old wooden poles that littered the beach, I sat with a heavy heart. Like I had as a child, I kicked off my old ratty Chucks, stuffed my socks in them, and dug my toes in the coarse sand. Cloaked in the shadows of the rocks, I rested my elbows on my jean-clad thighs.
The waves approached and retreated in perpetual motion. Memories of Lucas as we grew up flooded my mind, hundreds of snippets racing through at warp speed.
Never in a million years would I have imagined he would be gone so soon. He wasn’t even thirty years old, for fuck’s sake.
Entwined with my memories of Lucas were flashes of long dark hair and golden eyes.
Fuck! Scrubbing my face with both hands, I tried to erase the guilt-provoking thoughts. Thoughts of the woman who belonged to my brother but was weaving her way deeper into my chest each day.
The last eight years had hardened me, made me into a man who wasn’t always a good one. But to lust after Poppy? Yeah, I needed to stock up on hot dogs and marshmallows, because I was going to hell.
Thick clouds obscured the stars, and the wind picked up. Brutal, it whipped and pulled at my clothes.
Then as if my thoughts of Poppy had conjured her in front of me, there she was, running in my direction from further up the beach. Striding fiercely closer, she resembled a powerful Valkyrie descending to determine the fate of fallen warriors.
Unaware of my presence, she stopped only twenty or thirty feet fr
om where I sat in the shadows. I watched as she placed her hands on her knees and gasped for breath.
How far did she run, and at what pace? During a break, I’d called to check on her. Last I knew, she was going to lie down because she hadn’t been feeling well. Thanks to her upset stomach earlier, she hadn’t eaten anything today, as far as I was tracking. Christ, she was going to kill herself.
“Damn stubborn woman.” Muttering to myself, I shook my head at her in frustration.
Silently, I watched as she dropped to her knees and fell forward on her hands. When her grief-stricken cries carried on the wind to me, my gut lurched. My aching heart felt and understood her pain. She looked so forlorn and miserable.
Dammit, I can’t stand it anymore.
Just as I stood to offer her comfort, she viciously threw handfuls of sand toward the water. Then she stood, gazing out over the choppy water. Her feet began to move forward and suddenly she was running toward the chilly surf.
What the fu—“Noooooo! Poppy!” Oblivious to my shouts and the terror consuming me, she stumbled further into the cold tide. Slamming her fists into the surface of the water, kicking her feet at the waves, she appeared to be fighting an invisible enemy. In her lashing out, she stumbled as a wave shoved her. Choking on further words, I couldn’t believe what was unfolding in front of me.
Racing barefoot across the sand, I closed the gap between us just as she stumbled again, and fell face first in the icy water. Not giving a shit that my jeans were getting soaked up to my thighs in the churning, lurching froth, I reached into the water and wrapped my arms tight around her from behind. As I lifted her up out of the frigid water, she fought me. Stumbling backward, I struggled against the forceful waves as they sucked at my legs, trying to greedily pull us into their depths. I’d just broken free of the water when I lost my balance and fell to the sand.
Keeping her tucked tight to me, I allowed my body to absorb the impact of the fall.
“No! Let me go! Let me go!” Flailing and screaming, she fought my hold. No matter how hard she thrashed, I held her tight. Pressing my face to her head, neck, and shoulder, I spoke calmly in an attempt to settle her.
Finally she became still, but continued to sob in utter desolation. The anger and misery radiating from her crushed my heart. Her head turned into my chest as she twisted and sought comfort in my arms.
“I’m so sorry, Poppy. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Unable to resist, I stroked her back with shaking hands and cradled her body to mine. Thankful I’d been there, I crooned soft words of comfort into her ears. My own grief took a back seat and I wanted nothing more than to soothe her pain.
The sad and confused look on her face when she rose ripped at my heart. Water dripped down her face, catching on her lower lip before dropping to my chest. “I miss them. My dad. My Grams. Lucas. I just don’t understand. They were good people. They still had so damn much to do!”
Whispered words left my cold lips. “I don’t know, Poppy. I have to believe there was a reason, but I don’t know. What I like to believe is they’re still with us and they wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
Nestling her face into my neck, she cried. Hugging her tightly to me, I inhaled a shaky breath as my adrenaline dropped to a manageable level. Pressing my lips to her head, I only thought to offer her solace.
With tears streaking her face, she tipped her head up and her lips sought mine. What started as a hesitant joining quickly progressed to a passionate, desperate clashing of tongues and teeth. Fire burned through my veins. I was so fucking tired of trying to keep my distance and only being a friend.
Jesus, she tasted so damn sweet, just like I always knew she would. I was like a starving man as our tongues tangled and we nipped at each other’s lips. A small whisper of reason at the back of my mind told me this was wrong, but my desire for her overrode that stupid, rational little voice. Shoving it, silenced, to the back recesses of my head, I allowed the darker murmur to take over—the one that told me she could be mine.
Slender but strong hands grasped the front of my shirt as mine framed her face. Though she’d risen above me, I rolled her over and my hands sought her lean curves.
Slowly stroking her trembling body, my hands curved over the taut lines of her ass. Insane in my need, I grasped her tightly. Pulled her flush against my already hard cock. It wasn’t just me, though. She was pressing into me as if she couldn’t get close enough.
Fucking hell.
Sanity broke through, and I reluctantly put some space between us. The ripping agony in my chest made it hard to breathe. My forehead rested against hers, as I gasped for breath after the best fucking kiss of my life.
“Shit! Poppy, wait. We can’t do this. It’s not right. Please, babe, it’s not that I don’t want you. God knows I do, but I can’t take advantage of how you’re feeling. You’re emotional and not thinking clearly. I’m not him.” My heart strangled through those last three words. The raging hard-on in my pants hated me for pulling away.
Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell was I thinking? Stupid.
Turning her head slightly away from me, she closed her eyes and tears seeped from the corners. I barely heard the whispered plea. “You think I don’t know that? I know exactly who you are and I hate myself for how I feel about you. But I can’t help it. Please… please just love me for tonight. Make me forget for just a little while, let me pretend this is a world where I can be with you. I can’t take being numb anymore. Make me feel. Please.” When her pleas registered in my mind, my control was shot.
Numbness I understood. I’d been emotionally numb for years. Until her.
Yeah, I had felt drawn to her the first time I saw her, but that was only the beginning. The first time I spoke with her was the initial pinprick into my emotions. Every bit of communication with her after that burned through my numbness until my entire body was on pins and needles. Coming to life after years of sleep, my soul burned for her.
It was crazy.
Insane.
Wrong.
But I’d wanted her since the first time I saw her—before she was my brother’s woman.
Then Lucas died. Like a creeping fog, the numbness had begun to steal back in, trying to smother the heart-rending pain. It was a feat of self-preservation, but not a feeling I welcomed. It was simply the only way I could stay strong for everyone.
Part of me was sure if I did this with her, I was going to merely be a substitute for my brother. A fill-in. A way to push all the pain to the back of her mind. But I was just as desperate for that freeing oblivion. Whatever I could get from her, I would take. I needed her to make me feel, too.
Heedless of witnesses on the seemingly deserted beach, I began to kiss her neck and her cheeks. Goose bumps rose across her skin when I bit her neck, but I knew it wasn’t from the cold. Impatient, I found the bottom of her hoodie, then the shirt underneath. She shivered as my icy hands slid up her torso and over the arch of her breasts.
Desperate to feel every inch of her soft skin, I shoved the hoodie and her shirt over her chest. When I slipped her sports bra up to rest over her breasts, they fell free—perfect in shape and size, nipples peaked from both the cold and her need.
Fuck me. I was completely lost in her. My avaricious desire to consume her burned away at the edges of my rational thought. Or maybe it was the flames of hell, but in that moment I didn’t give a fuck.
Leaning closer, my mouth teased her nipples one at a time, suckling them until they puckered to hard peaks. “Fucking perfect.” My lips skimmed against her skin as I spoke. I worshipped her, alternating between my teeth gently nipping, my lips kissing, and my tongue tasting.
The luscious body beneath me arched, pushing up against me. With each pass of my mouth against her nipples and breasts, her fingers threaded through my hair and pulled my head closer. Soft, breathless sighs and moans gave me the feedback I needed.
I wanted to fucking consume her.
I trailed my hand lightly along her soft skin, o
ver the slope of her hip and into her running pants.
Frantic to feel all of her without encumbrance, I pushed them down to midthigh. When my hand reached between her legs and cupped her, heat and wetness emanated from her. Greedy, she pushed into me and cried out when I slipped a single finger inside.
“Fuck, you’re so damn wet.” Voice raspy and broken, I spoke the words with my lips still shifting across her skin, reluctant to have distance between us. Whimpers were her only response. When I slipped a second digit in and curled them against her most sensitive area, she moaned and pressed against the heel of my hand. Shifting, my thumb circled her clit until I had her panting in breathless little gasps as she fucked my fingers. “You like that?”
“Oh my God! Yessss! Right there.” It wasn’t long before her back arched off the sand and her muscles became rigid. Her pussy clenched tight and she flooded her sweet cum all over me until it coated my fingers and palm. The warmth of her wetness had my cock lurching, and lust consumed me, driven by the responsive, gorgeous woman in my arms.
Having no towel, nor wanting to waste the gift she gave me, I shamelessly licked her cream from my hand as she watched through heavy-lidded eyes. “Jesus.” Her voice was coarse.
“You taste so fuckin’ good.”
Her kiss-swollen lips parted slightly, she ran her tongue along her full lower lip. As if that was the breaking point, we desperately pulled at each other’s clothes. One shoe off and her leg out of her pants, my jeans unbuttoned and shoved down around my ass. We tugged and pushed at our wet clothes until we were exposed and panting. Both of us were oblivious to the cool wind blowing over our heated skin.
Regardless of what I had told myself about taking what I could get, I knew that would never be good enough. Praying it was me she was seeing, I paused with the tip of my cock poised at her entrance. Hesitant, I pushed forward and slid easily up and down through her satiny, slick pussy. She was slippery and wet, and I wanted to be balls deep in her so fucking bad, my muscles trembled in anticipation.
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