“Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, dude.” Ever the voice of reason, Dominic piped in with a chuckle. Nic wasn’t a pessimist, but he was a realist. He was a little wild and crazy but could also be quiet, noticed everything, and kept us all grounded. But put those sticks in his hands and he was a beat-slamming fiend. People could joke that a drummer wasn’t a true musician but that was bullshit when it came to Nic. There was nothing—no genre of music—he couldn’t play. All he had to do was listen to a song a couple of times and he brought the drum section to life. On top of being wicked on the drums, the man could play the guitar and sing, too. His talent was literally the driving force behind Straight Wicked, holding us together with an unrelenting intensity.
I’d joked that his military experience honed his lightning-quick reflexes on the drums. Of course, he’d thrown that back at me saying I had fast fingers with my ability to play the guitar and piano. I always laughed and called BS on that because my ability had more to do with my parents teaching me to play as a kid. Regardless, he definitely had a natural talent. His ability to keep the necessary rhythm while also giving each song we played the perfect dynamics was phenomenal. Dominic had the power to hook the audience from the first beat he played. He was amazing. I may have been the lead singer, but he was our backbone.
Going hand in hand with Nic’s drums was Logan’s bass. Between the two of them, they kept us flowing and kept the audience locked in. The human ear and body are designed to resonate toward and pick up the low tones in music, so if your bass player sucked, it could ruin the entire experience. Logan was also a quieter person off stage than on, but put him up there with his bass and he was doling out a rhythm that grabbed the actual heartbeat of the audience.
And Aiden on the guitar? Fuck. He was a force to be reckoned with. His fingers could move like nothing else over those strings, and I wasn’t too proud to say he had mesmerized even me on more than one occasion. Listening to him shred and bend those strings was awe-inspiring and guaranteed to have panties dropping left and right. No shit, women went crazy for him. While Dominic and Logan propelled us, Aiden steered us.
While Lucas had always had amazing talent when it came to playing and I had wanted him as our lead guitarist, he may have been right in his “everything happens for a reason” beliefs. He’d been adamant that we lived predestined lives and that everything we did was a stepping stone to the next significant moment. If he was to be believed, his refusal to play with us led us to find Aiden.
I used to laugh at his beliefs and never gave much credence to them because it seemed crazy to think that we didn’t control our own lives. After he died, the thought made me angry, because it made no sense that someone like him, my twin, my brother, was only meant to be alive for the short period of time he was with us. It didn’t make sense at all.
He used to laugh at me when I said that, because he said it wasn’t supposed to make sense to us here on earth. He believed that you could fuck shit up and not follow the path you were supposed to, but that one way or another it would happen. He also believed that if things kept failing, eventually you would be given another shot at it. Then if you continued to screw it up you’d come back in another life to try again. I didn’t know how I felt about all that. It always seemed a little too out there for me.
“I’m not counting anything. I’m telling you, I have a gut feeling this is it, boys. We’re going somewhere and it’s gonna be soon. On another subject, I’m looking forward to catching some actual sun and spending some time on the beach. Damn, that’s one thing I miss about Texas. All the rain in Seattle is depressing as fuck. I can’t wait to soak up some vitamin D while we’re there. Maybe find myself a Florida hottie.” Aiden propped both hands behind his head and gave us his signature smile.
“Amen,” everyone tossed out in unison. No matter how much I loved Seattle, sunshine sounded amazing. Unfortunately, there was only one Florida hottie I was interested in….
As the plane started to taxi down the runway, the guys all fell silent, lost in their own thoughts. Taking advantage of the lull in conversation, I popped in my earbuds and laid my seat back. Thankful the seat next to me was empty, I closed my eyes. Getting lost in some Breaking Benjamin, I felt my body relaxing and before I knew it, I was dozing.
“I’m proud of you.” Opening my eyes, I looked over and saw Lucas grinning at me. Pulling one of my earbuds out, I looked at him in disbelief.
“What the hell are you doing here?” On the plane? I must be losing my motherfucking mind.
“What do you mean, what the hell am I doing here? Where else would I be? It’s about time you guys hauled your asses down to play for John. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Lucas sat there as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
“Bro—you died. Yet you keep coming to see me like nothing happened and I really don’t know why I keep having these dreams. It’s freaking me out a little and I’m starting to think I need to have my head read.” Subconsciously, I knew this wasn’t real, but I didn’t understand why it kept happening to me.
“This is the only way I can see you now.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “I wish it wasn’t like this, because I know losing me has been hard on all of you. Please, you need to tell everyone I’m fine. I had done everything I was meant to do and it was my time. But I need you to listen to me.” I nodded, even though I knew it was all in my head. I would have agreed to anything for him. “Poppy and I weren’t ever meant to be forever. I loved her and she loved me, but not the way you love her. Not the way she could love you. My last job was to bring her to you. It’s in your hands now. Take good care of her heart; she’s gonna need you, bro.” The sincerity in his eyes made me really question my sanity. How was my dream-brother so adamant and serious? Weren’t people in dreams supposed to be happy, unrealistic, glowing personas of goodness and light?
“Dude. Lucas. Yeah, I’m crazy about her, but even I’m questioning my feelings. How the fuck can I love someone I only spent a week with and who was yours before that? Besides, she made it very clear she didn’t want anything to do with me when she hauled ass and then sent the text telling me to basically leave her ass alone. I think you’re nuts. And how can you be okay with this?” I shook my head, then scrubbed my face with my hands. Actually, I was nuts. I was talking to my dead brother about his fiancée. In my dreams.
“Levi, I know you think you were a substitute for me, but that’s not true. Yeah, she was distraught, but she needed you, just like you needed her. There was nothing wrong with that. If anyone has a problem with the two of you being together, they’ll get over it. Either that or they don’t need to be a part of your lives.” His earnest expression was so hard to reconcile with the fact that we were talking about me and his girl.
“Well, I highly doubt she is going to even be around at all while we’re there. So this whole conversation is pointless.” Resting my head back against the seat, I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind.
“We shall see, brother of mine. We shall see.” Rolling my eyes, I looked over at his seat, but he was walking away toward the exit.
“Wait!” Wanting just a few more minutes with him, I jumped to my feet. Blinking, I realized everyone was looking at me. And there I was standing in the aisle with Papa Roach playing in my brain. Jerking the headphones from my ears, I left them and my phone sitting in my seat and went to the bathroom to splash water on my face.
Mumbling apologies for my outburst as I passed the people nearest me, I entered the bathroom and closed the door. The man in the mirror looked haggard and beaten. After cooling myself with water, I dried my face and ruffled my short hair. For a split second, longer hair and a big smile gazed back at me, but by the time I blinked and looked again, it was just me. Fuck.
In that moment, I made a promise to myself and Lucas. Come hell or high water, I was going to see Poppy. Whether to get answers, or to gain closure.
“Race For the Sun”—3 Doors Down
“Sweetheart, please
, you know we didn’t mean for any of this to hurt you. We’d been planning on telling you, it just never seemed like the right time. So have you found another job yet? Because if you haven’t, John needs you. He’s been overwhelmed and lost without you there. I wish you’d reconsider your resignation.” God, my mom wouldn’t let up about this.
I’d turned in my resignation after that day in my mom’s condo. It didn’t feel right, working for John knowing he was my father and had kept that from me my whole life. Maybe my childhood was excusable, but after my dad died? He should have told me. They should have told me. If nothing else, they should have at the very least told me when they had begun their relationship.
It’s not like I would have thought less of them or even been surprised. I mean, it would have made sense to anyone. They had been close for over twenty years. They spent a lot of time together and had a lot in common. After the day I liked to call my “second birthday,” I hadn’t talked to my mom for over three weeks. I’d been so angry and felt so betrayed.
“Mom, we’ve been over this.” It had been a rash decision, and one I regretted making, but I was being stubborn and didn’t want to admit it. The problem with that was, I was quickly burning up my savings as I sat around without a job. Unfortunately, I hadn’t come across any in my searches that came close to the challenge or pay of working for John.
And the last interview I went on? The guy stared at my ever-growing tits the entire time. Seriously, I don’t think he knew I even had eyes. I mean, yeah, my boobs have gotten huge in the past month, but damn.
“Yes, we have. We also discussed you telling that boy about the baby. Have you done that yet?”
Dropping my head to the table, I banged it on the surface a few times.
“Oh my God, Mom, he’s not a boy. And no, I haven’t. I haven’t found the right way to tell him. I just need a little more time.” Even to myself, my words sounded hollow. Weak. The side of my face pressed to the cold tabletop and I closed my eyes.
“Poppy, there isn’t going to be a right time, and you’re running out of it. It’s already been two months since you told us. Well, since you passed out and we found out at the hospital. So you’re what? Over five months now? Six? Baby, think about this. If you don’t tell him, how are you any different than John and I were? You can’t keep this from him, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Trust me on this. Learn from our mistakes. Don’t keep a father from his baby or that precious baby from its father.”
Jesus, I hated when my mom was right.
Resolution building, I sat up.
“Okay. Fine. I’ll call him as soon as we hang up.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I warred with my chickenshit side.
“Oh, good. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. If he’s anything like Lucas, he’s a good boy and he’ll do the right thing.”
“Man, Mom, he’s a man. Not a boy.” And was he ever a man. Just thinking about his manly hands on me had chills racing along my skin and my heart hammering.
Wrong. So wrong. Stop.
What the hell was wrong with me? My fiancé’s twin should not elicit that type of response just thinking about him. Correction, my… deceased fiancé.
This was fucked-up on so many damn levels. Lucas was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and he was taken from this earth too damn early. There should be no reason for me to feel this way about Levi. Right? I mean, I’d loved Lucas. I was supposed to marry him. We were going to live happily ever after and have babies and watch the sun set.
Mom huffed. “Okay, man. He’s a man. Anyway, I’m glad you’re going to tell him. Now on to my next important subject.” My eyes may have rolled in my head. “A baby shower. When do I get to throw you one? You said you didn’t want one until after you were able to tell him, so I’ve respected your wishes and kept it hush-hush. But my sweet grandbaby needs to be celebrated. Oh! And can I go to the next appointment with you? You said that you were finally going to have them tell you if it was a boy or a girl and I really want to be there.”
This woman. If I wasn’t pregnant, I swear she would drive me to drink.
Blowing my breath out in a huff, I leaned back and slouched in the chair so my head rested on the top rung of the back. My legs were sprawled out and my little peanut chose that moment to announce his or her tiny presence to me with a delicate flutter inside my lower belly.
It was so shockingly unexpected that I jumped up and pressed my hand to the location of the startling ripple as I yelped, “Oh my God!”
“What? Poppy! What is it? Are you okay? What happened?” Worried shrieks emitted from my phone. The next flutter didn’t startle me, and my eyes welled with happy tears. My decision to keep the baby solidified with that faint movement. A soggy laugh escaped me.
“Nothing bad, Momma. Peanut just moved! I felt Peanut move!” Wonder and joy flooded my heart and spread to every molecule of my body at the miracle of this life inside me, growing every day.
“Oh, honey.” Her voice became muffled and I knew she was covering her mouth as she cried the same happy tears. “That’s so wonderful. I cannot wait until the day I can feel it. Poppy. I’m going to be a grandma! Do you have any idea how excited I am?”
Umm, yeah, I was pretty sure the whole world would soon know how excited she was, because every time I spoke with her, it was either about me talking to John or how excited she was that I was making her a grandma. Things between my mom and me were getting better, but it was a slow progression.
“I need to tell J—Umm, I need to go, but you call me if you need anything, sweetheart.”
“No problem, Momma. I’ll talk to you later.” Her slip didn’t escape me, but I let it lie. I wasn’t really mad at either of them anymore. It was just difficult for me to come to grips with the fact that John was my father and I had missed out on so much with him, yet I wouldn’t give up the years I had with my dad—Sam—either. My insides were still so jumbled and I hadn’t figured out how to sort it out.
After we disconnected our call, I sat staring at my phone. As it had a million times over the last several months, my finger hovered over the call button on Levi’s contact info. This time, I pressed it before I could change my mind and exit out of my contacts.
The rings continued to sound out like a death knell as I waited for him to answer. When it went to voicemail and his sexy voice poured into my ear, I released the breath I was unaware I was holding. Bravery exited the room, leaving me panicking and shaking. So I quickly disconnected the call before the “beep” could sound.
Shit.
This wasn’t exactly a topic for a voicemail message. Sure, I could have asked him to call me, but like I said, I panicked. With resolve I didn’t really feel, I promised to try again later tonight. Then I wondered if he could be out on a date. After all, it was a Friday night.
Well, I’d deal with it when the time came. In the meantime, a good soak in the tub sounded amazing.
Planning to leave my phone on the table for some uninterrupted quiet time with a good book in the tub, I started toward my room. Just as I hit the doorway, my phone rang.
Freezing in my tracks, I looked over my shoulder at the offending item. God, what if Levi saw I called and he’s calling me back? It rang again, but I was momentarily paralyzed. Then I rushed to grab it because a small part of me was dying to hear his voice.
Trina’s name and smiling face lit up my screen. Disappointment flooded my heart before I denied that was what I was feeling. As I answered, I pasted a smile on my face to sound more chipper than I was feeling.
“Hey crazy girl, what’s up?”
“Pop, you’re coming out with me tomorrow night. It’s my first Saturday night off in forever.” She drew out the last syllable of the word like the best valley girl in the world.
“No, Trina. I’m not feeling going out.”
“Come on, it will be fun. I promise. What do you say? Pleeeease?” If she’d been there, she’d have been batting her eyes at me
.
As I shook my head, I laughed. “The only reason you want my pregnant ass to go with you is so you have a designated driver.” Other than my mom and John, and my doctor’s office of course, she was the only one who knew I was pregnant. Despite agreeing with my mom and John in regard to me telling Levi, she’d been pretty supportive. Looking back, I should have had more faith in my friend and told her as soon as I found out.
After the debacle at Mom’s condo where I ended up in the ER, I’d broken down crying and she’d been there to hold my hand. Not once did she judge me for the situation with Levi. If anything, she’d been floored that neither Lucas nor I had mentioned Lucas’s “younger brother” was actually his twin. In typical Trina style, she had tried to pep me up by telling me that I was the only person she knew who could fall for twins.
Of course, I had tried to deny it. I’d tried to say the same thing I still kept saying. That it was unusual circumstances, driven by grief that threw us together. This baby was an innocent product of that sorrowful situation. There were no feelings involved on either side.
Lies. Deny. Deny. Deny.
I couldn’t speak for Levi, because he probably hated me now. Not that I would blame him if he did—but I had some serious blossoming feelings for the man. Feelings that possibly rivaled and surpassed the ones I had for his brother.
Yes, in the privacy of my own head, I would admit it. The thing was, a huge reason I hadn’t told Levi about the baby yet was… well, it was because I didn’t want him to think I was trying to “trap him.” I didn’t want him thinking I did it to replace Lucas.
That couldn’t be further from the truth. After spending time with both him and Lucas, I had begun to realize how very different they were. Despite being identical twins, they had different personalities, different dreams and goals. Lots of little things that set them apart. Of course, they had mannerisms and other things that were the same, but they were individuals and I cared about them as such.
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