I cannot believe he just did that.
“Well…thanks,” says Demeter, shivering and pushing her dripping hair off her face. “I suppose. Although did you need to throw it all over me?”
“Health and safety,” he says. “Plus you deserve it. Don’t she, Katie?” He gives me a great big wink, and I glare back, livid.
“Steve, you moron.” I’m almost too angry to speak. “You total moron.”
“Just acting on your behalf,” he says unrepentantly. “She did you a wrong, so. Therefore. Ergo. You don’t mess around with Katie,” he adds ominously to Demeter. “Not unless you don’t want me not to hear about it.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!” I say, feeling an urge to hit Steve. “What are you even trying to say?”
“I’m saying it like it is, Katie.” Steve gives me his bulgy-eyed look. “Saying it like it is.”
“You got him to do that to me?” says Demeter in disbelief.
“No!” I say in alarm, but I’m not sure Demeter even hears me. She seems at the end of her tether, unaware of everyone around.
“Haven’t you done enough?” She shakes her head. “Haven’t you punished me enough? What else are you going to do, tie me up and set the dogs on me? I mean, Jesus, Katie. I know I let you go insensitively, I know you think I ruined your life, but it’s what I had to do, OK? It was my job!” She’s practically shouting by now. “I had to let you go. And I know it was difficult, but sometimes you just have to get over things! You have to—”
“Let you go?” Dad interrupts. “What’s she talking about, love?”
I jump like a scalded cat and turn to see Dad peering at Demeter with a bright-eyed, inquiring expression.
“Shit,” says Demeter, and brings a hand to her head. “Katie, I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Does she know you from London?” Dad looks still more puzzled. “Katie, who is this?”
“She works for Cooper Clemmow,” Steve tells him with lugubrious importance. “Googled her, didn’t I? ‘Demeter Farlowe’ she calls herself there. And he works there.” Steve jerks a finger toward Alex, who has been standing on the sidelines. “They’re Katie’s bosses, come down from London. That’s who they are.”
Dad is looking from Demeter to Alex, a muscle working in his jaw.
“Why didn’t you let on who you were?” he says shortly, addressing them both. “What’s the big secret?”
“Well.” Demeter glances at me. “It’s…delicate….”
“Have you come here to fire Katie?” he says, in sudden wrath. “Because that’s not on. That’s not on!” he practically bellows. “She’s been a good employee, has our Katie.” He turns on Alex, who gives a startled jump. “She’s on the computer all the time, taking calls, working all hours…even during her so-called sabbatical….I mean, what kind of bosses are you, anyway? It’s exploitation! That’s what it is!”
“Dad, stop!” I lift up a hand in desperation. “You’ve got it wrong. They haven’t come to fire me. The truth is…” I gulp hard, feeling unsteady on my feet. “I was trying to tell you earlier….”
Tears are edging down my cheeks. I’m aware of all the glampers staring at me in shock, and Demeter standing there, still dripping, and Alex…Alex, gazing at me with the kindest, saddest expression I’ve ever seen….
“Dad, I need to talk to you,” I manage. “You and Biddy. Right now.”
—
The “what” is easy. It’s the “why.”
After I’ve explained exactly what happened, what exactly the reasons for my redundancy were, and how I’ve attempted to rejoin the job market, I still haven’t told them anything, really. Dad and Biddy are sitting on our old, faded pink chintz sofa in the sitting room—this felt like a sitting-room thing—and they’re both silenced.
“But, Katie…” says Dad at last, and he doesn’t need to say any more. He looks profoundly shocked, as though the world isn’t as he thought it was. And it’s my fault.
“Dad—” I break off, my cheeks taut with the effort of not crying. “I didn’t want to worry you. I thought, if I quickly got myself a new job…”
“So that’s what you’ve been up to,” says Biddy gently.
“I’ve applied for so many jobs. So many jobs…” The memory of how many jobs I’ve applied for feels exhausting. “I thought you’d never need to know.” I bite my lip and close my eyes, wishing it were three months ago and I had the chance to do everything differently. “I’m sorry.” At last I open my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Dad….”
“Katie, don’t be sorry,” he says at once, his voice rough with some emotion I can’t read. “Love, there’s nothing for you to be sorry about. You’ve had a hard time of it, and I just wish we’d known…I wish we could have helped…but there it is.” He leans forward and takes my hands tightly in his big ones. “Katie, all we care about is your happiness. Sod the lot of them. Sod them. You come back here. You run Ansters Farm for us. You’re a brilliant, brilliant girl, and if they can’t see it, well, we can. Right, Biddy?”
I don’t know how to respond. I glance over at Biddy, and she’s shaking her head, a little frown notched between her brows.
“But, Mick,” she says in those quiet, measured tones of hers, “I don’t think it’s quite as simple as that. I don’t think Katie wants to make her life and career here. Do you, darling? Or am I wrong?”
I’ve never felt such tension in this room; it’s like the air is viscous with it. I need to speak; I need to tell the truth. But without hurting my dad.
“Dad…” My voice trembles so much, I can hardly utter the words. “I want to live in London. I still want to give it a go. I know you’ll never understand it, but it’s my dream.” I rub my face hard, feeling desperate. “But I don’t want to break your heart. If I go to London I know I will. And so I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t…I can’t…”
My words are all mixed up and incoherent in my head. Tears are running down my face again. I dart a glance at Dad and he appears stricken.
“Katie!” he says, and exhales. “Love. What gave you the idea I don’t want you to live in London?”
Is he serious?
“Well…you know,” I gulp. “Like, saying London’s overpriced and dangerous and dirty…telling me to buy a flat in Howells Mill…”
“Mick!” exclaims Biddy. “Why did you tell Katie to buy a flat in Howells Mill?”
“I only suggested it,” says Dad, looking caught out.
“I feel guilty all the time. All the time.” As I say the words out loud, I feel a massive relief. And dread. I’m venturing into places I would never have dared to tread before. But maybe they need venturing into.
“You know what? I want to say something.” Biddy’s voice makes me start. As I turn to her in surprise, I can see that her cheeks are pink. She looks nervous but resolute. “I always try to stand back when it’s the two of you at odds. I try not to put my oar in when it’s not wanted. But I think right now it’s needed. Because I can see two people I love—I love the pair of you, you know that, don’t you?” Biddy adds, her cheeks flaming even darker pink. “I can see two people who are hurting each other, and I won’t stand it anymore. Mick, can’t you see what pressure it puts on Katie, telling her to buy a flat in Howells Mill, for Pete’s sake? Why would she do that? And you know what I thought about our last trip to London….” Biddy turns to me and adds, “I told your dad he should apologize to you, some of the ridiculous things he said.” She lifts a hand as Dad opens his mouth to protest. “I know you worry about Katie, Mick. But eight million people live in London safely enough, don’t they? They haven’t all been gunned down or mugged, have they?”
Dad is looking a bit shamefaced. Meanwhile, I’m so gobsmacked by Biddy’s sudden eloquence, I can’t find a response.
“But there’s something else, Katie.” She turns back to me. “You know, we’re not stupid. We know life in London is tough and expensive and all the rest of it. We see the headlines; we watch the ne
ws reports. You always sound so positive, as though everything’s a dream come true…but it can’t be that easy all the time? Is it?”
There’s a huge pause. I’m feeling slightly as though I want to throw myself to Biddy’s knees and hug her.
“No,” I admit at last. “It’s not. It’s not at all.”
“No one’s life has to be perfect.” Biddy leans over and puts an arm round me, tight. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself, love. Whoever started the rumor that life has to be perfect is a very wicked person, if you ask me. Of course it’s not! And none of this nonsense about breaking your dad’s heart,” she adds. “How could you ever break his heart?”
Slowly, almost not daring to, I raise my eyes to meet Dad’s. Dad’s eyes. They’ve been my benchmark all my life, my North Pole. I gaze into their blue depths, allowing myself to see his love, burning amid the twinkles. And just a few splinters, still.
I think Biddy hasn’t got it quite right. I think maybe I did break Dad’s heart a little. But maybe I did that just by growing up.
“Love…” Dad exhales slowly. “I’m sorry. I know what it must look like to you. And I’ll be honest: I’m not the greatest fan of London. But if you like it, maybe I’ll come to like it.” He glances at Biddy and hastily amends: “I will come to like it.”
“Well, you may not need to.” I make an attempt at a lighthearted laugh. “If I stay unemployed.”
“Those bastards…” Dad instinctively clenches a fist, and Biddy puts a soothing hand on his arm.
“Mick,” she says. “Katie’s a grown-up. She’ll find her way. Let her do that. And now we’d better all get on, don’t you think?” As she stands up, she winks at me, and I can’t help smiling back.
I’m not quite up to rejoining the merry singsong round the campfire. So I wander along to the kitchen, thinking I’ll have some tea—to find Demeter sitting at the table, dressed in dry clothes with a towel turban round her head.
“Oh.” I stop dead. “Hi.”
“I just bumped into Biddy,” says Demeter. “She told me I might find you here. Katie, I need to apologize. I didn’t mean to betray your confidence.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” I shrug awkwardly. “I was planning to tell my dad, anyway. It just forced my hand a bit.”
“Even so. I shouldn’t have, and I’m truly sorry.” Demeter fiddles with her sleeve for a few seconds, her face drawn. “I gather I owe you thanks too,” she adds, darting me a glance. “I hear you were very helpful with Coco. Hal told me.”
“Right.” I nod. I can understand that. Poor Hal seemed a bit freaked out by the whole thing. He probably saw his mum and couldn’t help blabbing the whole story.
“And I don’t know what you said to them, Katie, but Hal had put a bouquet of flowers on my bed. He’d gathered them from the garden, so I’ll have to apologize to Biddy,” she adds with a short laugh. “And Coco was—” She breaks off, her eyes wide. “I’ve never heard Coco so conciliatory. So mature.”
“Well, I guess she’s started looking at the world from your point of view a bit more. Demeter…” I hesitate. How on earth do I put this? “I think you could be a bit tougher on your kids,” I say at last. “I think they take you for granted.”
There’s a long pause. Demeter is still twiddling at her sleeve. She’s going to wear it away to a shred if she doesn’t stop.
“I know.” She breathes out. “But it’s not easy. I barely ever see them. I feel so guilty. So when they ask for things I just want to please them.”
“You’re a totally different person with your kids from how you are at the office.” I try to impress this on her. “Totally different. And not in a good way.”
“I know.” She looks a bit bleak. “But when we have such a short time together, the last thing I want is to cause a row….”
“It can’t be easy,” I say. “With your husband away and everything…I overheard your conversation in the barn,” I add bluntly. “Sorry.”
“No. Don’t worry. We weren’t exactly discreet.” Demeter exhales strongly. “That situation is definitely a work-in-progress.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again. “I mean…I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”
“It’s fine.” She leans back in her chair, her eyes closed as though she’s tired, and I see the fine lines round her eyes. “No, it’s not fine, it’s difficult. Getting the balance between two careers and children…” She exhales, sitting back up again. “James has been trying desperately not to want this big job, because of the pressure it would place on me. Meanwhile, I’ve been so preoccupied by work, I haven’t even noticed. But we’ll get there. Maybe rethink everything—” She cuts herself off. “Anyway. What am I saying? It won’t be a problem anymore, will it? From now on I’ll be around at home all the time.” She gives me a bleak smile. “One advantage of losing my job.”
“What?” I say in horror. “Don’t say that. It’s not going to happen.”
“Oh, Katie, you’re very sweet, but I can’t dodge the bullet anymore. Alex and I have agreed to leave the subject for this evening, but tomorrow…” She shrugs. “He wants a meeting at ten A.M. to go over some of the official stuff. The package, waivers…that kind of thing. There’s a process when someone leaves a job,” she adds wryly. “As you know.”
“So you have another chance!” I say eagerly. “He can un-fire you. No one heard him tonight, there weren’t any official witnesses, nothing’s been signed…I mean, have you actually legally been fired?”
“It’s irrelevant.” Demeter shakes her head. “I will be.”
“Only if you accept it. Only if you don’t fight your corner. Didn’t you look at the other emails in the bag?”
“Yes. But they’re mostly very old. I hadn’t realized. So.” She lets her hands drop. “I have nothing.”
“Listen, Demeter.” I flip on the electric kettle, feeling my energy return. “I reckon Sarah’s been seriously messing with you. Not just your emails, but your calendar…your messages…everything. She’s been trying to make you doubt yourself.”
I’m remembering Sarah saying in that calm way, “It was Tuesday, Demeter. Always Tuesday.” And Demeter staring back with that panicky, swivelly-eyed look.
“I’ve wondered about that myself,” Demeter says after a long pause. “It all makes sense. I didn’t realize because it was so gradual. It was just a few tiny slips at first. Emails going astray…documents deleted…calendar mix-ups…I would think I’d given Sarah an instruction and she would insist, point-blank, to my face, that I hadn’t. But then the errors got bigger. Worse. Mortifying.” Anguish flickers over her face. “I didn’t dare draw attention to my blunders. I really thought I had…something. I googled dementia every week.”
“That’s wicked!” I say furiously. “She needs to lose her job!”
“But who would believe it?” Demeter sounds desperate. “I barely believe it myself. I mean, I know I’m genuinely absentminded, especially when I’m stressed. I forget to send emails, I forget to tell James things….And the way I treated you, Katie…” She puts her hands to her cheeks. “Again, I’m so sorry. I was so pressured that day. I felt as though the whole world was going mad, including me.”
“It’s fine,” I say, really meaning it.
“I looked back in my diary for that day, you know,” Demeter adds, a little bleakly. “Sarah had put a check mark against Talk to Cat, as if I’d done it. And I doubted myself so much, I thought…I honestly thought…” She looks suddenly agonized again. “How could I have doubted myself so much?”
“But don’t you see?” I say fervently. “That’s what she played on. You’re naturally scatty and you’re insecure about it, and she knew it. She’s evil and we need to catch her.”
“There’s no proof.” Demeter shakes her head. “A lot of it would be her word against mine. And I’m sure she’s been very clever and covered her tracks.”
“No one’s that clever,” I retort at once. “We could get a computer forensics
person—”
“You think anyone’s going to allow a computer forensics person in the building?” Demeter gives a stark laugh. “You saw Alex’s reaction, and he’s supposed to be on my side. Everyone else at Cooper Clemmow will want me gone with minimal fuss. I’m just a middle-aged, embarrassing problem. They’ll give me a nice package….” She trails off.
She sounds so defeated. This isn’t Demeter. This crushed, acquiescent woman can’t be Demeter. I won’t let it be.
“Demeter, you need to fight! When they expect you to give up, that’s when you should put your foot down and double your speed.”
“That sounds familiar.” Demeter frowns faintly. “Is that a quote?”
“It’s from Grasp the Nettle,” I admit, a bit sheepishly. “I bought a copy after all. Discounted.”
“Oh!” Demeter’s face lights up. “It’s good, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is. Especially the chapter on Don’t let your bitch assistant win, because you’re not just letting her win, you’re letting the axis of evil win.”
Demeter gives a little laugh, but I don’t smile back. I’m deadly serious.
“If you won’t fight this battle, then I will. Whatever it takes.” I come over to the table, trying to imbue her with some spirit. “But you can’t let them sling you out with the rubbish. You’re the boss, Demeter.”
“Thank you.” Demeter puts out a hand and squeezes mine. “I appreciate that.”
“Have you told your husband?” I say, as the thought suddenly occurs to me.
“I’ve filled him in.” Demeter sighs. “But he can’t really comprehend it. His first reaction was, ‘We’ll sue them.’ That’s very James.” A little smile comes to her lips. “But there’s not a lot he can do to help in Brussels, to be honest.”
“OK.” I nod. “So, here’s what we do. We plan all night and have a meeting tomorrow morning, early.”
Demeter shakes her head disbelievingly. “You really think we can win round Alex?”
My Not So Perfect Life Page 30