Julian suggested we try Skyping every evening so we can see each other as well as text. We started the very next night, and I’m convinced he gets better looking every time I see him. I don’t know if it’s because we’re apart or if he’s turning into a man, but whatever it is, he’s absolutely yummy. So what’s wrong with my stupid head? What happened to me?
It all brings us to tonight…
Rachel and I were doing our usual, Thursday-night meet up at Fat Harry’s. We do it every week because between her class schedule, my class schedule, me Skyping with Julian, her spending the night at Brad’s, it’s our only way of keeping in touch.
Fat Harry’s is one of the college bars on St. Charles Avenue, east of Loyola. It’s a pretty easy walk or even a cheap street-car ride away from our duplex, and it’s pretty popular with the Greek kids.
Neither Rachel nor I pledged a sorority. My reason was because of my accelerated schedule and Julian. I didn’t want to be distracted by unnecessary social events involving other guys that would slow down my studies and make him uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure what Rachel’s reasons were.
So Thursdays are our catch-up dates, and you know how I said Julian’s growing up? Well, guess what? We all are. As I stumbled into Fat Harry’s with Rachel last night, I couldn’t help thinking how different college life is than how I expected. It helps so much having her with me, and I’m so glad we decided to be roommates.
Even though I miss Julian like crazy, Rachel and I are having a blast learning to be responsible together and being adults. I even enjoy hanging out with Brad more. School work, football practice, and soon games are keeping him busy, so it doesn’t happen very often. Still, it’s fun. I’m truly feeling like a College Woman…
Except for The One Thing waiting to happen.
Everywhere I went, I held my breath waiting to run into Jack. Loyola and Tulane were literally built back to back. It was an inevitable meeting, and I wanted to get it over with. I wanted to know how seeing him would affect me, so I could deal with it if I had to.
He knew I was dating Julian. I knew I loved Julian. I just needed to see how I’d handle being confronted with Jack here, alone.
More than anything, I wanted to prove to myself that I was past him, finished being the girl I used to be. The past was in the past, I’d moved on, and my future was waiting for me with someone better.
Last night, my waiting ended. As I made my way past the tables in Fat Harry’s, I spotted him, sitting by himself in a back corner booth. He didn’t even look up, but his name was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
“Jack.” It was somewhere between a whisper and a squeak. I was incredibly nervous, and I braced myself to hear his voice. I wondered if it would sound the same, then he looked up and saw me.
His eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and he laid his head back against the wooden panel of the booth. “Anna.”
His voice was low and slightly loose, and I noticed a half-empty pitcher on the table in front of him. He was so amazingly handsome in the dim yellow light, almost unchanged from our last meeting at homecoming—the night I left early and Julian sat with me while I cried. That memory made me cringe.
His eyes seem to glow from the blue oxford he wore, but all I felt was relief—intense relief. My insides were calm. I wanted to do a little dance when I realized the thing I feared most was not happening.
I wasn’t melting at the sight of him. I wasn’t that fragile little girl anymore, and I knew why. I had someone now who meant more to me than the infatuation that had defined almost a year of my life. All I felt for Jack was friendship. I only wanted to be friends if that were possible. Julian was his half-brother, after all.
Jack’s eyebrows pulled together in a frown. “What are you doing here?”
My voice sounded distinctly calmer. “I didn’t expect to see you.”
“Well, it looks like you found me.” He was still frowning, and even though I was calm, a small pain moved in my chest. We could still be friends at least, couldn’t we?
“Were you hiding?” I tried to joke. “Wow, it’s been what? Almost a year?”
“Six months.” His tone was sharp, and it seemed the answer to friendship was No. For whatever reason, that realization made me sad.
“I’d better go. I’m sure we’ll see each other around. I’m at Loyola now. Full scholarship. It was the best offer I got, so I took it.” The way he was acting, I was hoping he didn’t remember how much he’d had to do with my decision to apply here.
“You were always very smart. Speaking of smarts, how’s Julian?”
“He’s at Savannah now.”
Was this about Julian? He slid to the side of the booth and stood to face me. I’d forgotten how tall he was as he leaned forward to close the space between us.
“Tell me, was Julian on the pass-fail system as well, or did you grade him on a curve?” His voice was low and sarcastic, and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. My pulse ticked up a notch.
“I don’t understand.”
“You were so good at riding the fence. After I left, did you run straight to Julian or did you wait a day or two for appearances?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You broke up with me.”
“Right. No discussion. No argument.”
“Do you have a head injury?” My voice rose as my tension built. “You were determined! You said… You told me you needed to end it. Jack, I waited for you.”
“You waited? Why?” He leaned back and the look in his eyes immediately called up the first night I’d encountered his father. It could have been the same man standing in front of me now.
“I don’t know. I don’t even recognize you anymore.”
“I’m me,” he smiled holding out his arms, slightly wobbly.
“You’re not Jack. Not my Jack.”
“I was never your Jack.” The smile left his face, and the cold withdrawal returned.
Nodding, I backed away. “You’re right. You told me many times, but I wanted…” I couldn’t finish that sentence. It was all in the past, and I wasn’t going back there.
“Wanted what?”
“What’s happened to you?” He was being so mean.
For a moment, I thought he would sit back in the booth, but after a pause, he turned back and grabbed my arm roughly, pulling me into his embrace. His kiss was hard and aggressive, and I put my hands on his shoulders to push myself free.
“Stop it! What are you doing?”
“Just trying to remember what I’ve been missing.”
“If you’re missing anything, it’s your own damn fault. You could have called me at any time. I’d have waited forever if you’d only asked me to.”
“I didn’t know you needed to be asked.”
“That’s not fair.” A tear spilled down my cheek, and I turned to go. This was crazy, and why the hell was I crying? He was the one rewriting history, clearly still trying to mess with my head.
I was so angry and hurt, I could barely see where I was going, but I stopped as I opened the door. Looking back through the center window, I saw him slump down into the booth, head back against the wall, eyes closed. He might be messing with my head, but one thing was certain—something was wrong. Bad wrong. The question facing me was whether to walk away from it or try and help him.
For tonight at least, I chose to walk away.
I got back to our apartment on St. Charles Avenue and didn’t even turn on the lights as I collapsed on the bed, pulling my knees into my chest. I didn’t know why I was crying. It wasn’t like I wanted him back. But dammit, I was worried about him. I loved Jack once, and it hurt to see him so changed. He was lost and ugly, and regardless of what he said, he was not being my Jack—the guy I knew and fell in love with a year ago.
I grabbed a pillow and held it over my mouth to muffle my crying. The Jack I left back at Fat Harry’s could just as well have been his brother Will. The closed cruelty and lack of compassion. He’d been gone less than
two years. Less than two years, and already he was an exact replica of Will.
I remembered everything he’d said to me the day we parted. He’d needed to come here, needed to learn the business. Lucy was the first one to suggest that wasn’t happening. Brad was the second. But what did any of it mean? And how dare he try to pretend it was somehow my fault or that I had been the one to end things. My mind reeled at the very suggestion.
My face was wet with tears, and I pulled myself up to go and shower. Standing under the warm spray would help me relax, I hoped…
Now I’m here, typing up the whole thing and looking at it on the screen. I was right. It does help seeing it all in black and white, because most of all, I remember how I felt right away—over him.
The second thing I remember is Jack has a family, a sister. I’m not his lifeboat, and I’m certainly not getting on that merry-go-round again. Brad’s here now, and Will is somewhere close. He is not my problem.
I’m not worrying about Jack Kyser anymore.
Anna’s Private Blog: London Calling
Journalism is rapidly taking the place of English in my list of favorite classes. I still love reading stories and breaking them down—even when they’re disgusting roach fantasias like The Metamorphosis—but finding real-world applications in books like Responsible Journalism is far more fascinating to me now.
Maybe it’s because I’ve seen first-hand the effects of writing and reporting events with my feature on Julian’s art. I’ve also seen the impact of not reporting events with his parents and their story. Maybe it’s the fact that writing at the paper has opened doors for me and given me more confidence. It got me here. Whatever the case, all I know is I love it!
My ethics professor Dr. Arati has quickly become my favorite instructor. She’s about my height, 30s, petite and dark with clipped British tones flavoring her Indian accent, and she is always encouraging me.
Today she asked me to wait after class so we could discuss something. I watched as my older classmates gathered their things and made their way to the door.
“Anna, I want you to consider applying for Junior Year Abroad next year.” Dr. Arati’s usually formal voice was tinged with excitement. “I have friends at the BBC World News, and I think an internship there could be a powerful experience for you.”
My jaw literally hit the floor. I was so surprised, I almost couldn’t speak. “Oh, Dr. Arati.” I couldn’t help a laugh. “That would be amazing! The BBC?”
Visions of me in a power suit, straight, professional hair, reading a report on terrorist attacks or international espionage flooded my brain. My old dream of being Christianna Amanpour blinked through my mind. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t breathe.
“It’s only radio, but—”
“But how?” As fast as those visions appeared, the price tag cut through them like an evil buzz-kill. “I don’t know if I can afford it.”
“It is an expensive trip, and radio isn’t as lucrative as something like television.” I watched her digging through her file cabinet, lifting out a hanging folder that had glossy pamphlets in it.
She handed one to me that was covered with smiling co-eds holding books and looking very international in front of those lion statues in Trafalgar Square. One of them was a dark-haired male, and another problem flashed in my brain as she continued speaking.
“It’s very competitive, but I’ll write a recommendation for you. You’re a strong writer, and with your background in print journalism, you could easily be accepted.” She was so encouraging, but the more I looked at the dark-haired model, the further my stomach sank. “We have great relationships with their administration, and our students have always been an asset to the program.”
Blinking up at her, I tried to imagine being separated from Julian by a year and an ocean. “I think…” My voice was quiet. “I think I’m as abroad as I want to be right now.”
Her dark eyes creased with her warm smile. “Your resume is very good for someone your age. I think you should capitalize on the momentum you have now. See how far it can take you.”
“It’s just that going abroad means leaving.” I felt like an idiot. Of course it meant leaving.
“And there is someone holding you here?” A little smile touched the corner of her mouth.
I didn’t want to answer that. “It’s just… I couldn’t have come here without a scholarship, and I don’t know if my parents or I have the money.”
It was almost the whole truth. Money might not have been as painful a consideration as leaving Julian, but it was definitely a consideration.
She nodded, her glossy dark hair bobbing in her face. “Of course. You must talk it over with your parents, whoever else, and let me know.” She squeezed my forearm. “Like I said, it might not lead to an offer or even to a very lucrative position, but it would be an amazing experience for you. And who knows what doors might open. Just think about it.”
Now I nodded rapidly. “I’m sure you’re right. Thank you so much, Dr. Arati!”
Her straight, white teeth shone in her smile. I smiled back, but my stomach was a cluster of painful knots as I collected my notebook and bag.
Junior Year Abroad would be the most unbelievable experience, but how in the world could I ever be away from Julian like that? I was already miserable with him just a few hours away. Heaviness weighed on my shoulders as I pulled open the wooden door. Money was a major factor, but it was the least of my concerns.
I was lost in a cloud of wanting to be a strong College Woman, wanting to seize this opportunity that had just been presented to me, and failing, when I glanced up and nearly dropped all my stuff.
“Anna, hey.” Jack caught my computer before it slipped out of my arm. “Whoops—don’t drop your notebook.”
He smiled, and dammit. I hated that stupid gorgeous smile that always knocked me a little off-balance. He didn’t look at all like last night. He looked amazing. His light blonde hair was perfectly messy as always, and he wore a gray tee that stretched across his shoulders. His faded jeans hung loose around his hips.
Finding my voice, I asked the obvious question. “What are you doing here?”
“Waiting for you.” My brow creased, and he continued. “I wanted to find you. And apologize for last night.”
The painful memory of last night only made the ache in my stomach even stronger. I glanced down the empty hall.
“How did you know I had class here?” An impossible idea flickered across my brain. Had he been following me? Did he know my class schedule?
“After you left, Rachel was looking for you…”
Dr. Arati stepped out of her classroom then. She paused when she saw Jack and me talking, then she gave me a knowing smile before turning back to lock the door.
I wanted to correct what I feared she was thinking, tell her she couldn’t be more wrong. Jack was not the reason I’d hesitated at her offer. Jack would’ve been the one thing that would have sent me running to London—just to get away from him, to stay there until he no longer had the power to trip me up.
He caught my arm and escorted me down the hall, away from class. I resisted inhaling the citrusy scent of his cologne that tried to fill my brain with memories of every time he’d pulled me into his arms. Last night included.
As we walked, he continued. “She told me which classes you had today.”
Of course, Rachel had told him. From what I kept hearing, Jack barely knew his own class schedule, much less mine.
Shaking away the crazy, I stepped to the side, out of his grasp.
“So you went to all of my classes today?”
“Just this last one.” We were outside in the humid air, and we stopped, facing each other. He smiled again. “Want to grab some lunch with me?”
“No.”
I answered so fast, he actually laughed. “I don’t blame you. I was a jerk last night. I’m sorry.”
His hand rose as if he were going to touch me again, and I took another half-step away. He put
it instead in his back pocket, stretching his shirt in a way that told me everything underneath it was just as perfect as always. I did not care.
“When I first saw you last night, I thought we could be friends.” Somehow my voice didn’t give away how blindsided my insides felt. “Now I don’t think that’s a great idea.”
His mouth pressed into a line. “Because of Julian?”
“Because of you. You’re different now.” I thought about it and added. “Or maybe it’s like you said last night, you were never the person I thought you were.”
His head dropped and for a moment, neither of us spoke. His eyes traveled from the space between us to my hands then up to mine again. That damn Kyser blue, the same intense color that was so full of love when it met me from Julian’s face. It was full of suspicion or annoyance when it came from their father. Now meeting me from Jack’s perfect features, they were only lost and a little sad.
“I’m not going to apologize for telling you that.” His voice was low now, and I heard a touch of weariness. “I honestly don’t remember everything I said, and my delivery was… bad. Again, I apologize.”
“Save it. There’s no reason why we ever have to see each other here.” I started to go, but he caught my arm. His strong grip kept me from leaving him.
“I don’t want it to be like that. I do want us to be friends like you said.”
I didn’t answer, and he dropped his arm. “That’s all I came here to say.”
All I gave him was a nod, and he inhaled deeply before turning to go. “See you around,” were his last words before he walked away.
I watched him crossing the space crowded with students. His casual way of walking turned a few heads and took me all the way back to that very first day at the beach. I’d hidden behind my dark sunglasses, fantasizing as he walked down to the crystal blue Gulf. He was as perfect then as he was now.
Mosaic (Dragonfly #4) Page 4