Anna’s Private Blog: The Reason
Julian’s voice was always optimistic when we talked. He was working so hard and learning his dad’s business so fast, it reminded me of the journals I’d read so long ago.
“You’ve really found your passion.” I lay on my bed looking at him on my computer screen. His head was rested on his hand, and his dark hair hung in his eyes.
“I found my passion a few years ago.” His blue eyes twinkled, and I reached out to touch his face on the screen. “But if I have to work, architecture is really cool.”
Rolling onto my side, I rested my head on my hand. It was almost like we were in the same bed together. I just couldn’t bury my nose in his chest and take a deep breath of his Julian-scent.
“How about you?” he asked. “What’s the latest on London?”
“Ugh. Still haven’t heard. But Dr. Arati said it could be May before we know anything.”
“Don’t give us much time, do they?”
Pressing my lips together, I shook my head.
“Anything else going on? Your Algiers project all you hoped and more?”
“It’s had some unexpected moments.” I thought about finding Jack almost dead on the levee. It had been almost two weeks, and I hadn’t heard from or seen him. I had heard from his sister, though. “Lucy’s in full-wedding-planning mode. Have you been keeping up?”
“Not really. She sent me an email telling me what to wear and where to be, but you know guys aren’t as important at weddings.”
“What! Julian! Guys are the most important part. You can’t get married without a groom.”
“But I’m not the groom.”
I sighed as my eyes traveled around his perfect face. Maybe one day soon, I thought. “I’m just happy we’ll be seeing each other again.”
“I know.” He smiled. “I was worried when our spring breaks were at different times. Big sis saves the day.”
My nose wrinkled. “It’s so weird to hear you call her that.”
He shrugged. “I’m kind of getting used to it. She texts me pretty regularly, she’s getting really close with Mom.”
“I love that, and I’m sure your mom does, too. It’s like she has her best friend back somehow.”
Julian’s brow lined. “What do you mean? What best friend?”
“Oh!” My eyebrows flew up. “I mean…”
“Anna.” His eyes narrowed. “What do you know?”
“Just that… well…” I heard myself gulp. How was it possible I was still keeping secrets from him? “I found a photograph when I worked at the paper office of your mom and dad and… their mom at Scoops. They were all old high school friends.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute. He rolled onto his stomach and looked at his hands.
“Julian?”
He didn’t look up, but I could hear his low voice. “And my parents… me…” He shook his head. “No wonder Will hates me.”
His tone sent an ache to my chest, and I wanted to be with him so badly. “What they did is not your fault. And Will hates everybody. He even hates Jack and Lucy.”
We didn’t say anything for a few moments, and I decided to hold off on telling him what happened with Jack. He was already dealing with enough.
Instead, I tried to comfort him. “I wish I was there with you.”
“Me too.” That sunny optimism I loved was dampened. “I’m going to go now. Just feeling a little tired.”
“Okay. Remember I love you.”
He nodded. “Ditto.”
The screen went dark, and I lay back on my bed. What his parents had done was something he’d have to work through in his own way. I knew that, but I also knew so much more of the story than he did. I couldn’t help wondering if it might help him to know everything the way I did. Shaking my head, I sat up, planning to head to the kitchen when my phone buzzed.
I picked it up to see a text from Jack. Any chance you might check your peephole?
Frowning, I walked quickly to the door and looked out. There leaning against one of the narrow columns lining our front porch was Jack. He appeared very much back to normal and handsome as ever. I glanced down at the short, black mini-dress I was wearing, I shrugged and flipped the two locks open.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered stepping out into the cool evening. Even though we never saw our aged neighbor, we still tried to be courteous.
Jack exhaled a little laugh. “It’s nice to see you, too.”
“Sorry. I mean, yes, Hey, how are you doing?”
“Much better, thanks.” He pushed off the column and stepped toward me. “Have you had dinner yet?”
“No…” It was eight, but I’d been doing video editing since I got in, and then Julian had called. “I was just going to grab a sandwich.”
“Walk with me over to Ninja.”
“Oh… I don’t think so.” Shaking my head, I looked down. “I mean, thanks, but no.”
“Anna. It’s the best sushi in New Orleans, and I owe you dinner.”
“You don’t owe me anything.” That wasn’t exactly true. I still felt like he owed me multiple apologies, but I was ready to let that slide. “And I don’t think going to dinner with you is a good idea.”
I couldn’t help remembering how our last dinner date ended, in his Jeep parked out by the shore, making out until he pushed me away when I’d told him I was a virgin. Most humiliating night of my life.
“It’s a great idea,” he insisted. “It’ll give us that chance to talk. Come on. I insist.”
He held out his elbow for me to take his arm, but I didn’t. “I’ll just walk beside you, thanks.”
“So you’ll go?”
“I am hungry.” I thought about the struggle Julian was having with his new family arrangement, and I thought about how I’d found Jack. I thought about my promise to Lucy, and I did want to know what it was he couldn’t handle. “I’ll let you buy me dinner, but that’s all. No drinks. Nothing else.”
“Not a problem.” He turned and we headed out into the street. We walked for a few moments in silence, until he broke it with a confession. “Not having drinks is actually my preference.”
I glanced over at him. “Oh really?”
“Yeah. I’ve been talking to a counselor since that night, and I’ve agreed to cut back on the alcohol for the duration.”
“Are you doing AA?”
“No, just seeing if I can grab the reins myself, get it back together.”
I nodded. “I think that’s good. You can do it.”
He smiled, and we were quiet again.
It was more of a long stroll up Oak Street to the restaurant, but the weather was pleasant, and I liked walking the historic streets. We arrived at Ninja, and he held the door for me.
“Thanks,” I said. “Parts of New Orleans have such cool neighborhoods. I’m so glad I’m here.”
“You say that like you expect to leave soon.”
“Oh, I guess you don’t know. I’ve applied for Junior Year Abroad. One of my professors thinks I should do an internship with BBC radio.”
The hostess led us to a booth, and we took seats across from each other.
“Wow. That’s really cool.” His eyebrows rose, and he seemed genuinely impressed. “You were always into your stories. But I gotta say, you’re not meant for radio.”
It was a compliment I’d heard before, but not from him. I didn’t want compliments like that from him. Pushing my hands under my thighs, I leaned back on the vinyl-cushioned bench and didn’t respond. A waiter appeared with sheets of paper, but Jack held up a hand.
“Mind if I order for us both?”
I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. “You know more about this place than I do.”
“I’ll have a Coke, and she’ll have a…?”
“Diet Coke’s fine.”
The waiter nodded, and Jack continued. “And One Spicy California Roll and a Sushi Combination.”
The man left quickly, and Jack returned to me.
“It really is the best sushi.”
“I’m sure,” I nodded. “I’ve also heard Tru Burger’s really good. I need to get out more around here.”
“I can help you with that.” He smiled and my stomach felt uncomfortable.
“I don’t think—”
“Table that.” He smiled and leaned back as a busboy put our drinks in front of us along with small plates and little dipping bowls.
I took a sip and studied the guy across from me. Dressed in a maroon long-sleeved shirt and jeans, he seemed completely changed from the person I’d taken to the hospital two weeks ago. Still, I knew better than to think whatever demons he’d been fighting could be shaken off that quickly.
“You look different,” I said. “Much better.”
“Thanks. Apparently it helps my recovery that I used to run away from my problems.” He poked his straw in his drink and didn’t meet my eyes. His voice grew quieter. “Or sail away from them.”
Chewing my lip, I studied his face. “I know your boat’s still in Crystal Shores, but you can run.”
He nodded. “And I’m bringing the boat over next time I go home.”
I started to say “good idea,” but the waiter reappeared with a large platter of sushi selections, including slices of deep red tuna or white-pink shrimp lying atop sticky white rice, avocado-filled California roll, seaweed-wrapped rice with yellow or orange centers.
Jack snapped his chop sticks apart, but I unrolled the silverware at my place. “This looks delicious.”
We both added portions of the pasty-green Wasabi to our small bowls followed by a healthy dose of soy sauce and mixed the two until it was smooth. Then he clipped a tuna roll and dipped it. I started with the California roll. The fresh avocado and fish flavor was one of my favorites.
“Thanks for dinner.” I went for a shrimp roll after I’d finished the first piece. “This really is delicious.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
I took a bite of fresh shrimp and shook my head. “All I did was what anybody would’ve done.”
He shook his head to argue as he popped one of the seaweed-wrapped pieces in his mouth, but it derailed whatever he was about to say. “Mm—try the maki. It’s really good.”
I couldn’t help a laugh as I followed suit. A salty-fresh ocean was in my mouth. “Oh my god. I love it.”
He smiled, and that old spark was back. I loved seeing him approaching normal, but I couldn’t help feeling a creeping guilt about having dinner with him.
I told myself this wasn’t a date—I insisted it was not. I was only letting him thank me for helping him, which was completely unnecessary.
I would tell Julian about this next time we talked. He’d understand. After I told him about what had led to Jack’s feeling the need to thank me. Ugh! It was all getting tangled again.
“Why do you look like you got some bad fish?” Jack’s blue eyes glowed as bright as they always had.
“What are we doing right now? I mean, what do you want from me? Why are we here?”
He sat back in the booth and his brow relaxed with his grin. “I gotta tell you. I really love College Anna. You’re so… direct.”
“You said you wanted to talk. Let’s talk.”
He nodded and looked down. “I’m trying to figure out what I want to say.”
Just then a voice I didn’t want to hear interrupted us. “Wow! Anna and Jack. What’s this all about? Revisiting the past?”
Summer stopped at the table, and I felt my eyes widen twice their normal size. Everything she’d said to me at the paper office that day, about how she was supposed to be with Jack and how I’d stolen him blared in my brain like an emergency warning siren. There was no way she was cool with this, and of course she had a camera.
“Lean in and say cheese!” She snapped before I could protest.
“Hey, Summer.” Jack’s voice was friendly as he slid out and stood to give her a hug. I saw her melt a little. “Haven’t seen you since Mardi Gras. Doing okay?”
“Oh, yeah.” She sounded like a gushy teenager. “Just, you know, going to classes.”
Jack sat back in the booth, and she managed to tear her moony gaze away from him to me. I saw her expression change even if Jack didn’t, and my stomach sank like a lead balloon. This could not be good.
“What a funny coincidence we’re all having dinner here.” She smiled at me, but it didn’t go to her eyes. Shit.
“Yeah…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. I was sure Jack didn’t want me talking about what had happened on the levee with everyone. Yet, what other reason could I give for us having dinner together? “We all had the same idea, I guess.”
Maybe I could plant the idea that Jack and I just happened to bump into each other here?
“Oh, are you two not on a date?” Her voice was trying to sound innocent and failing.
“No!” I said quickly, cutting Jack off.
“That’s okay. You guys lean in, and I’ll get one more for the reunion.”
“I’d rather not—” The words were still coming out of my mouth when she’d already snapped and was walking away.
“Enjoy your sushi. It’s the best in New Orleans!”
She was gone, but I was completely winded. Two photos—two! I needed to get home and call Julian and tell him everything immediately.
“You look like you just robbed a bank.” Jack was watching me, but I wasn’t interested anymore in hearing his problems. I wanted to get home before I had a problem.
“I’m not really hungry anymore. I think I’ll just go.”
I started to slide out of the booth, but Jack was right with me. “Hang on! I’ll walk you back. You don’t need to be on the street by yourself at this hour.”
“I can get a cab.” I was pushing my arms into the jacket I’d worn, but he was digging in his pocket, pulling out his wallet and counting out cash.
“I said I’d take you home. Just wait.”
I didn’t wait. I started for the door, leaving him to worry about the bill. I was out in the cool night in less than ten seconds, leaning out into the street and anxiously scanning everywhere for signs of a cab. Checking my watch, it was only nine-thirty. Julian was an hour ahead of me on Eastern Time, but it still wasn’t too late to call and explain.
“I don’t think we’ll get a cab down here on a Tuesday night.” Jack was at my side again, but I ignored him. I kept looking up and down then I started walking toward the street corner. Maybe on one of the cross-streets…
“You’re heading in the wrong direction to get back to your duplex.” He touched my arm, but I pulled it away. “Anna. Let me walk you back.”
I wouldn’t look at him. I was furious, but I couldn’t decide if it was at him or me. He’d only showed up and asked me to dinner. I was the one who’d said yes.
He tried again. “I’m not sure why Summer upset you so much, but I wish you’d let me walk you home. I’d really hoped we could talk tonight.”
That brought me around slightly. I stopped looking up and down the road and accepted that I wasn’t finding a cab here tonight. Turning to him, my shoulders dropped. “She tends to have a knack for showing up at the worst times.”
“I wouldn’t know. She’s the little cousin of… of a friend of mine.”
I didn’t bother pointing out that friend was Casey Simpson. Who cared? “We have a little history.”
“I take it not a good one.”
I wasn’t going into it with him. “Let’s get going.”
We didn’t talk much on the way back. My heels clicked on the sidewalks, and Jack seemed preoccupied. My thoughts were all focused on what I’d say to Julian when I called him in a few minutes, and as steps turned into blocks, it wasn’t long before we were at my door.
“Thanks for dinner.” I stretched out my hand to shake before I dashed inside. It still wasn’t too late to call.
“Would you hang on for just a minute?”
“Jack, I—”
He s
tepped closer, and I stepped back. But the front door was at my back, and I couldn’t go any further. He was so close to me, warm and familiar, and completely not what I wanted.
“That day… at the hospital, you asked me what this was.”
I’d still wanted to know at the start of tonight—until the flash of Summer’s camera put a spotlight on what I was doing.
“It’s probably not my business.” I wouldn’t look up and meet his eyes. “It really never was.”
He leaned a little closer and his voice dropped. “I’m sorry about that night at Fat Harry’s, when I was drunk and came on too strong.”
“Apology accepted.” I was blinking too fast. “You were dealing with things I didn’t understand. Water under the bridge.”
“These last few weeks I’ve thought a lot about who I used to be. Past mistakes and all. I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry for how I treated you last year, how I hurt you. I was such an ass, and I took from you over and over because I needed you. I needed the way you used to look at me. It kept me going.”
The desperation I felt slowly melted at his words. They were exactly what I’d wanted him to say every time I took him back. Cautiously, I blinked up to meet his eyes, so blue and open.
“Why are you saying this now?” My voice was a hoarse whisper.
He looked up and exhaled, but he was so close, his breath whispered across my cheek.
“I’ve been thinking about everything, and through it all, one thing stands out so strong in my memory.”
I studied his square jaw. His blonde hair, dark at the roots but light and shaggy around his collar. I remembered him so well.
Timidly urging him on, my voice was just above a whisper. “What is it?”
He looked down at me, and I felt paralyzed by his gaze. “You.”
“Me?” I was breathing too fast. My brain was barking orders for me to go inside now, but I needed to hear this. I had to hear this. “Why?”
His eyes traveled around my face in a longing way, and the vindication was so sweet. “You’ve given me a reason to try, and I’d give anything if you saw me through those old eyes again—like I was something worth having.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But… you are worth having.”
Mosaic (Dragonfly #4) Page 14