Dinner was lovely, and Jordan wished she could have enjoyed it more. It was the perfect meal for the warm spring evening. There was lobster risotto with a fresh green salad and asparagus from Nell’s garden. Dessert was a creamy cheesecake drizzled with mashed strawberries. Grace sat on Jordan’s lap, tasting bits of the food and gurgling happily. Jordan made an extra effort to bury the fear and confusion building up within her and concentrated on feeding Grace her own dinner of sweet potato and chicken puree.
After dinner, Aiden helped his mother clear the dishes. Jordan could hear him in the far corner of the kitchen, his voice rising and falling, but she couldn’t make out the words. As she sat holding her daughter, she turned her attention to Gordon, who sipped scotch from a snifter.
“One of the first things we’ll do,” he was saying, “is take a detailed census of the territory. Vermont is seeing that the whole state is set up for DSL and cable. We need to sort through the economic loopholes and figure out what to spend where and when.”
“I totally agree,” Jordan remarked, glad to have her attention on something so concrete and impersonal. “I was planning on calling a meeting with our board and our comptrollers when I get back for just that—”
“Excuse me.” They both turned to look at Aiden, and Jordan sensed something different in his tone. She could see fire behind his normally tranquil deep brown eyes. There was more of a connection between the two of them than she had realized. She could read his look. It wasn’t anger. It was more like he was asserting himself. More like resolve. She wondered, nervously, what it was he had to say. “I’d like to talk to Jordan for a few minutes, Dad. Jordan, can you leave the baby with my mother? We won’t be too long. We’re just going to take a walk while it’s still warm.”
Nell held out her arms for Grace. “Come with me, Gracie,” she cooed. “I have a magnificent set of measuring cups I just know you’ll be crazy about!”
Jordan followed Aiden out into the night to the end of the lawn again. They stood silently for a few minutes at the head of the stairs that led down the rocks to the beach, and they watched the lights twinkle far out over the water, illuminating the islands in Casco Bay.
“What is it, Aiden?” asked Jordan. The night air seemed to clear her mind and sweep her earlier anxiety away. She felt once more her own woman, and Aiden was the man she loved. She reached out and put her fingers lightly on his forearm.
“It’s time for full disclosure,” said Aiden quietly. Jordan said nothing at first, listening to the comforting sound of the waves slapping on the rocks below and the whoosh as they receded again. Over and over they would repeat this motion until the tide was in, and then the motion would take the tide out again and it would go on like this for eternity. Who are we? thought Jordan. What do our lives mean? Are we meant to be together?
Aiden took her hands and turned her until they were facing each other. “I’m going to tell you all about myself,” he said. The moon had risen. It was not yet full, but bright none the less. It reflected off the sea and lit Aiden’s face so that his noble cheekbones were highlighted and his eyes shone like pools of sweet water in the brown leaves of the forest floor after a rain. Jordan gave a little gasp. He captivated her so much in that moment, she forgot to breathe.
“I’ve had a lot of women. I always liked women. I always preferred to be in the company of a girl than getting drunk with a bunch of guys. Jennifer and I have known each other since high school. We dated pretty steadily until we each went off to college; then we saw different people. When we were both home at the same time, we’d get together. I guess it was just habit. She’s got a bite to her, but she’s not a bad person. I think everybody expected that we’d get married one day. I think she began to expect it herself, but I just kept thinking I wasn’t ready. And I wasn’t. What I didn’t know was that I would never be ready…for her. I didn’t love her. She’s convenient, yes. I guess I’m guilty of that. I kept telling myself I loved her, but now I know I don’t and never did. I confused familiarity with love. And I have slept with her recently. I slept with her last week. Before I met you.” He paused. Jordan was looking down at their clasped hands.
“Jordan, look at me.” She raised her eyes and he searched her face. “Jordan, in a little less than a week, my life has changed entirely. Last week, I had sex with Jennifer Webb on the couch of her apartment. It was just like the sex we used to have when we were teenagers. It was just sex. And to tell you the truth, I had a date the following evening with a woman from Boston. I was supposed to drive back here after I met with you. I couldn’t wait to sleep with her because I hadn’t before and I was hoping for something different and exciting. Except I met you. And then I couldn’t even think about Jennifer or the girl from Boston or anything except you. You affected me. You changed me from the minute I met you. I could only think about touching you, kissing you, but it was different because it wasn’t from a conquest standpoint, like all the others had been. It was…it was something else. It was a connection. Am I making sense? Are you listening to me?”
“I’m listening, Aiden,” she whispered, squeezing his hands.
“So I asked myself, was it because it was all wrapped up in the business? Was it because you were so young and looked so vulnerable? I don’t know. I only know how I felt when we first made love. As long as I live, I will never forget that feeling. It’s the first time in my life I felt like that, and I feel like that every time I look at you. I love you, Jordan, but you’re holding something back. You’re not where I am. Do you love me? I knew right away I loved you. Maybe it doesn’t work that way for you. I don’t care. I’ll wait. You’ve just got to be honest with me. I’ve told you everything. You’ve got to tell me. We can only make it if we’re honest with each other. I don’t want any secrets between us. Love can’t be like that. What is it?”
Jordan sighed. She knew this day was coming. It had hung over her head for days now. The only time she didn’t think about it was when Aiden’s arms were around her, when he was filling her emptiness with himself. When they were joined as one. “Aiden, I’m a simple person. You know everything about me. I’m a single mother struggling to raise my daughter and help my family. I didn’t count on falling in love with you. I didn’t plan it. And I don’t know how to handle it. I can’t turn my back on my responsibilities.”
“I’m not asking you to do that,” said Aiden, exasperated now. “I’m asking you, do you love me? I’m asking you, what is holding you back?”
She dropped his hands and turned away from him, wandering up the grassy edge of the rocky drop-off. “I—I don’t know. I have Grace. I—”
“So what? I love Grace, too. I know she comes with you. I’m willing—eager, even—to take that on!” Then he asked the question she’d been dreading, the question that must have been haunting him. “Jordan, tell me about Grace. Who is her father? I don’t care, but I’ve got to know. Is it Gene Palmer, like Fenton said? Is that why you won’t talk about it? Is it? Tell me, please!”
Jordan spun around viciously, tears in her eyes. “Is that what you think?” She fairly spat the words. “You’re just like everybody else! You think, how could somebody like me get a job like that and a salary like that! It must be because I let the old man fuck me! Isn’t that what you think, Aiden? Then I got pregnant. You think Grace is Mr. Palmer’s daughter, don’t you? Well, join the crowd, mister. Everybody thinks that. And I don’t care! It’s not Grace’s fault. She deserves the best of everything I can give her. And I intend to see that she gets it. Nothing else matters. Nothing!”
She was really crying now, and she began to run along the bank. Aiden caught up to her in two strides and snaked out his hand to grab her arm. “Oh no,” he said, his voice angry as he spun her around to face him. “Oh no, you don’t. I’m not going to let you sabotage what we have because it’s easier for you! This isn’t just about you! Or Grace! This is about me, too. This is about us! You slept with me, too! You told me you loved me. You let me in, Jordan. You just can’
t cast me off because you’re afraid of I don’t even know what! Now, once and for all, if you love me, if you want to give us a fair chance, tell me you do and tell me about Grace. Tell me your story, Jordan. I deserve to know. I’m fighting you on this because I think we’re worth fighting for!”
When he grabbed her, she tried to jerk away from him, but he held on and had his say. Now she looked up into his liquid brown eyes. Suddenly, she felt almost too tired to move. Every emotion seemed to have left her body. She sat down heavily on one of the rock outcroppings. Aiden waited.
Jordan spoke softly. “The fall I went back to school after working for Mr. Palmer all spring and summer, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Too good. Mr. Palmer had hinted that if I wanted to finish school at a later date, he would be pleased to have me on as a permanent employee. He outlined how my position within the company would grow and that he could teach me a lot that I could later use to my advantage in getting my degree. When I said I really wanted to return to school, he was fine with that, and he told me I would always have a place at Chat.”
“So you went back to school,” prompted Aiden.
“Yes. Yes, I went back. It was the end of August and everybody was settling in. There were parties on the Lake. I hung out with a group of party-loving girls, and we were invited to something almost every night. I just went on the weekends. My roommate went three or four times a week. I hardly saw her. Then one day she came in and said she had met this really cool guy. He was in the National Guard. He wanted to take her out that weekend and wanted her to find a date for his friend. She talked me into going.” She looked up into Aiden’s eyes, and he saw the anguish there.
“He was a nice guy, Aiden. He really was. His name was Mark McGuire. He was from a little town in the Northeast Kingdom, in Vermont. We started seeing each other. We didn’t get much time together because he was in training and I was in school, but we saw each other when we could. I liked him. Then he found out his unit was being deployed to Afghanistan. They hardly gave them any notice at all, Aiden. He tried to see me as much as he could before he left near the end of September. We wrote and emailed back and forth quite a bit. You know, what we were doing and stuff like that. I—I guess I kind of thought the relationship would just dissolve after that. It didn’t bother me because I wasn’t that caught up in it. We’d had a good time and I liked him.” Jordan stopped and wiped at her eyes.
“The next month, I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant. My world went into a tailspin. All kinds of thoughts went through my head. Finally, Thanksgiving break came and I went home. I packed my stuff up. I knew I wasn’t coming back. I told my parents. They were pretty upset, but they stuck by me, Aiden. My father had just been laid off, and I know it must have been a terrible blow to them. I must have really let them down. The only friend I had whom I felt I could trust was Ashley, so I told her. She and Kyle had just bought Kyle’s cousin Caleb’s house in town. I remember going there and helping her move in, crying all the time, wondering how I was going to manage. Finally, she suggested that I go talk to Mr. Palmer. At first I refused. How could I face him? Ashley kept after me, though, and I went. I can’t tell you how hard that was, to stand there and tell him that I was pregnant and that I needed a job.”
Jordan looked up again and continued, “And, Aiden, he was so good to me. So nice. He didn’t judge me. He asked how I was feeling. He asked if I thought I could take a forty-hour week. He asked when the baby was due. That’s all. Then he outlined the maternity leave policy at the company and gave me my job back. Just like that. I can never, ever thank him enough for that. All I can do is do the best I can for Chat.”
Aiden was silent for a moment. “What did Grace’s father say when you told him?”
Jordan buried her face in her hands, then said softly, “I never told him. I never told him I was pregnant.”
“You mean, this man doesn’t know he has a daughter?” Aiden was shocked.
“It’s worse than that,” whispered Jordan. She began to sob. Aiden lifted her to her feet and held her close.
“Tell me,” he whispered in her ear. “Tell me. We can work this out. I know we can.”
She looked up at him, her cheeks wet with tears. “Aiden, he’s dead. Matt McGuire is dead. He was killed in Afghanistan. I got the news just before Grace was born, from the girl who had been my roommate. He never knew. I am so awful! I was so selfish!” Her body racked with sobs again, and Aiden held her tight, smoothing her hair.
Finally he spoke, “Shhh, shhh. Tell me about it. Talk to me, Jordan.”
Jordan gave a shuddering sigh. Then she spoke softly, not raising her head from Aiden’s chest. “By the time I found out I was pregnant, Matt had already been deployed. We weren’t even communicating that often, and I assumed our relationship was winding down. So, when I realized I was pregnant, I sat up all one night thinking out different scenarios.” She was silent for a while and Aiden waited.
“I finally decided what to do,” Jordan continued, speaking barely above a whisper. “I decided that this baby, this new life, was my responsibility and my responsibility alone. I decided I didn’t want anybody else’s opinion about it. I didn’t want anybody to try to tell me what I should do. This situation was mine to handle as I saw fit. So I went back to where I knew my decision would be supported no matter what. I went home. I said my father was sick and I couldn’t stay in school. Matt emailed once after I came back, and I emailed him the same thing. Then I didn’t hear from him anymore. Just before Grace was born, I got an email from the girl who had been my roommate telling me that Matt had been killed.” She buried her face in Aiden’s chest, her tears soaking through his T-shirt. He lifted her face and looked into her eyes.
“Jordan, you didn’t do anything wrong. You did the best thing you could do under the circumstances as you saw them at the time.”
“It’s not good enough,” muttered Jordan. “Maybe if I had just told him about Grace, if I had told him I was pregnant, everything would have been different. Maybe he wouldn’t—”
“Stop!” said Aiden. “Stop beating yourself up. What’s done is done.”
Jordan looked up into his face. “I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid that he would be an influence in Grace’s life. I was afraid he would try to marry me. I felt guilty that I didn’t love him, that our relationship was just superficial yet it resulted in the least superficial thing that can happen. A new life. A new life based on what, Aiden? Is my daughter doomed because her life started on such egotistic, careless behavior by two people who were not even thinking of her? I have felt so guilty. It’s almost like I stole something from him and he didn’t even know it. How would you feel, Aiden, if you found out that a woman you slept with had your child and never even told you about it?”
Aiden sighed; Jordan knew her remark hit home.
“How can I forgive myself?”
Aiden wrapped her again in his arms. He spoke, his lips brushing against her fragrant hair. “It seems as though you’ve been carrying this burden a long time without sharing it with anybody. Does anybody else know?”
“Ashley knows. My parents know. Mr. Palmer knows. None of us ever talk about it.”
“No wonder it’s seemed to me you’ve been holding back, keeping yourself at bay somehow. You have. You’ve been denying yourself, punishing yourself. That’s not healthy, Jordan. It’s not healthy for you or for Grace. Or for us.”
“Is there an ‘us’?” Jordan asked weakly. “What does that mean? Where is the ‘us’?”
“Right here,” said Aiden determinedly. “We are right here, right now. This is us. Come on, Jordan. Now you have me. You have me to share your life with. You have me to talk things through with. And I have you. I don’t care if I ever speak to Jennifer Webb again. I have you. All that random sex is over. I can see that it was only something to feed my own ego. It was nothing. It’s us that counts. Right here. Right now.”
He lifted her face and kissed her tear-streaked cheeks. His lips traveled
down her face to her mouth, and she easily surrendered to him, opening her lips, letting his tongue in to press against hers.
“Yes, we do count, don’t we,” she whispered. “We do, but we’d better not make a show of it right here. It might be awkward.”
He gave a little laugh, and they started back toward the house, hand in hand. Jordan smoothed her hair and hoped her eyes weren’t too red from crying. The chill of the evening had settled with the setting sun. Jordan shivered a little, and Aiden put his arm around her shoulders. It was clear he was past caring who saw them.
When they entered the kitchen, Nell was watching Grace play on the kitchen floor with some pots and pans and wooden spoons.
“Mmmama,” said the baby, smiling up Jordan. “Poon. Poon.”
“Do you have a spoon, Grace?” cooed Jordan, bending down to kiss the child’s upturned face.
“Poon,” Grace confirmed and went back to banging the pots.
“Your phone went off a couple of times, Jordan,” said Nell. “You might want to take a look at it. I brought it in from the porch. It’s on the table. Don’t worry; I’ll keep an eye on Grace.”
“Oh, thank you,” said Jordan. “It’s probably my mother.” She reached for the phone and checked for missed calls. Ashley. How odd. Jordan punched the recall button and stepped politely out onto the porch.
“Oh, Ashley, no! Oh no!” Jordan cried out. “Oh, I’m on my way right now. Yes, now. I’ll be fine. I’ll call you along the way.”
She came back into the room, and there were fresh tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
Aiden’s voice sounded hollow to Jordan. “Mr. Palmer!” she choked. “Oh, Aiden, Mr. Palmer died.”
Nell was at her side in a second with a glass of water.
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