“So that’s it!” Katie spewed. Lucinda swung herself back around. “Is that all you’ve got for him—for us? Three minutes, if it was even that.”
“What do you want me to do, Katherine? Congratulate you on getting knocked up? For not knowing who the father was? For embarrassing your father and I with your horrid conduct?”
Although I didn’t know her well, I could tell that Katie’s feelings were hurt and stepped in. “I know this situation isn’t ideal for any of us—” “I was speaking to Katherine,” Lucinda cut me off. After giving both of us a hard glare, she walked out the door and shut it behind her.
“Wow, she kind of makes my mother look saintly,” I mumbled. Lucinda’s behavior made me almost appreciate Valerie. She, at least, could resemble a human being at times.
Katie looked at me, her eyes distant, unfocused. “I’m sorry she was so rude to you.”
“It’s not your fault,” I soothed, carefully taking Jacob from her.
“She’s not always like that. She used to be less uptight. She’s always played her role, though. Doing whatever my father asks of her. All that charity work is for him so he can schmooze people and look important.” Katie looked at me clearly. “But everyone knows that looks can be deceiving.” I knew that too well with my own family.
27
Katie
Ryan stuck around the rest of the day. I was sure it was because of my mother’s visit, but whatever the reason, Valerie would be overjoyed. I didn’t find having Ryan around so terrible, either.
After putting Jacob down for his nap, I made a cup of tea and sat on the couch across from Ryan. He was sitting in a leather recliner reading the paper, which I thought was weird. He was the only person our age I knew who read the newspaper.
“Are you okay?” Ryan asked after a beat.
“If you’re asking if my mother is always a frigid bitch, then yes, she is. My father is also ninety-nine percent absent from my life, but still spews orders through my mother.”
“I’d had the impression that your family was tight.”
I laughed. “That’s for show.”
“I can’t believe your mom wouldn’t hold Jacob,” he said.
“Neither of my parents has held Jacob yet.”
“What?
“Believe it or not, your mom was the first family member to hold him.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, after the paternity test, she asked to see him.”
“And you just let her?”
“She was the only person besides me who was interested in him, so yes, I let her see him.”
After a second of silence, Ryan’s expression softened. “What was it like — having a baby?” he asked.
“Painful. Scary. I had no idea what I was going to do with a baby, or what was going to happen once we left the hospital.”
“Your parents didn’t help with Jake?”
“No. They weren’t even there for his delivery. With the exception of the hospital staff, I was alone when Jacob was born.”
“Wait.” Ryan looked at me, concern in his eyes. “Your parents weren’t there?”
“No.”
“Why weren’t your parents there?”
“You heard my mom today.”
“Yeah, but you’re their child?”
“They were ashamed of me for getting pregnant… for that and a lot of other things,” I admitted. “I didn’t expect them to be there, so I wasn’t surprised when they didn’t show.”
Ryan looked down for a minute as if he was thinking or taking in what I’d told him. He lifted his head, but didn’t look at me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
“Because I honestly thought that Jake belonged to someone else.”
“It still had to have crossed your mind that he could be mine, especially since we weren’t in the right frame of mind to be as careful as we should have been that night.”
“Sure, it crossed my mind, but my dad had put the kibosh on spreading the news.”
“Your friends don’t know you had a baby?”
“I don’t really have any friends.”
“What about Amanda and Ricky?”
“We weren’t close. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had a close relationship with anyone.”
Ryan appeared sympathetic. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel sorry for me. But maybe my truth would melt his apprehension about letting me in. If that happened, I could use it to my advantage.
“Anyway, back to your question about Jake. I didn’t want to deal with it. The whole time I was pregnant, I tried to… not deny it, but put it off. I knew I was going to have a baby, but that was all I knew.” I shrugged. “I know how bad it makes me look that I didn’t know who my baby’s father was. It’s hard for me to think about the way I behaved then. I didn’t know how I would approach each of you or what I would say.” I picked at the polish on my fingernails for a minute before I spoke again.
“I didn’t tell my parents I was pregnant until after I started to show. My mother had made a comment about my weight. She said, Katherine, you look as if you’ve gained ten pounds,” I mimicked her regal voice. Ryan snickered.
“I’ll never forget the look on her face when I told her why I’d gained weight. My parents were mad, but when I told them I needed a paternity test, I thought my dad was going to rocket to the moon he was so furious. He wanted me to have the test while Jake was in utero, but thankfully, my doctor talked him out of it. “
“Your father told my father that you were sure Jacob was mine.”
“No. He just thought you were the most suitable of the three prospects. The boy I thought was Jake’s father; he and I had been seeing each other a little while. He works at a go-kart track, so that didn’t go over too well at my house. And the other guy… I wasn’t sure of his last name, which also didn’t go over well with my parents.”
Ryan was silent. I gazed at him, hoping he wasn’t too disgusted with me.
“I’ve changed since Jake was born. I feel like he saved me in a way. Like he woke me up and made me take a good look at myself. What I saw revolted me. I’d spent so many years acting out to piss off my parents and get them to notice me that I didn’t realize at the time that they’ll never truly care about me, or what I do, unless it affects their business. I feel like I was a whole other person before Jake. I’ve shed the old me. That girl is a stranger, and I never want to see that bitch again,” I said.
“Well, whatever your past, it’s the past,” Ryan offered. “If you let it go, it’ll be gone. From what I’ve seen, you’re a great mom to Jake. He’s lucky to have you.”
“That means a lot.” I was surprised by how much Ryan’s compliment meant. Maybe because I was sure I’d never hear it from any of the adults in our lives.
28
Ryan
I got up early, put some coffee on, and flipped the TV to a news station since I didn’t have time to read the paper. I dug around the fridge to see what I could put together for breakfast. I wanted to make something for Katie as an apology for having been so mean. After meeting her mother and talking to her more, I realized that I needed to let go of the blame I’d placed on her for getting pregnant.
The pantry was fully stocked. It looked like there was enough stuff to last us for months. I’d been too busy sneaking in and out to notice that Katie was taking care of everything around here. The house was clean; my son was well cared for, and she’d been regularly cooking. It made me feel worse about being such a dick.
I heard Jacob cry and went to get him so that Katie could sleep. In addition to keeping things in order during the day, she’d also been getting up with Jacob a couple times during the night.
I changed his diaper and clothes, and went back to the kitchen. I knew he’d be hungry, and that’s when it hit me that I had no idea how to feed him. I didn’t know if he took formula, if Katie was breastfeeding him still—or if she ever had. I’d seen her give him bottles before, but didn’t know where the cont
ents came from. Her or a can.
“I should know this,” I mumbled as Jacob began to cry. I tried to shush him by bouncing him on my hip, but knew that feeding him was the only way to calm him.
I found a can of formula in one of the cabinets and tore the lid off. It was full of... powder. “What the hell?” I grumbled, and then apologized to Jake for my language and poor parenting skills.
“Hey.” I heard Katie’s sleepy voice.
“Uh, hey,” I said, trying to read the formula directions as Jacob screeched in my arms.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m trying to feed him. Is this really what you give him?” I asked; certain I sounded like an idiot. She smiled and took Jacob from me. “It’ll be easier if I hold him for you. He takes five ounces of formula. Look at the back of the can and it will tell you what to do.” I’d been trying to read the can, but having him cry like that was wracking my nerves.
“Put the powder in the bottle first,” Katie said as soon as I turned on the faucet. “It’s easier to mix if you put the powder in first,” she explained. I did as she said. “Now run the water until it’s warm.”
“How warm?”
“You’ll figure it out.”
I glared at her.
“Slightly warm,” she snickered. I readied the water then looked at her again, hoping she’d walk me the rest of the way through.
“Pinch the nipple closed and shake the bottle for about ten counts, and then dribble some out onto your arm to test the temperature.”
I clumsily followed her directions. “It’s fine, I think,” I said. She told me to sit down and placed Jacob back in my arms. He quieted as soon as the bottle reached his mouth. I exhaled, relieved.
Katie smiled at me. “You did well.”
“I’ve never felt so helpless. Or useless. Knowing that I was holding up Jacob’s comfort...”
“It’s okay. He’s fine. Just so you know, it’s okay to leave him in his seat while you get his bottle ready. He’s going to cry either way, and I’d rather him be there than in your arms if you get distracted or flustered.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
“You’re welcome. You’ll get the hang of it. Look at me. I didn’t know jack about babies until I had one and was forced to learn.”
“Where are you going?” I asked nervously when Katie stood up. “To get coffee.” I could tell she thought the panic in my voice was funny, but I appreciated her not laughing.
“I’ll be right back,” she assured me.
After Jacob finished his bottle, Katie showed me how to burp him. He spat up on me a little bit—something she did laugh at. “You’ll remember that smell for the rest of your life,” she said. I didn’t know about that, but it was pretty distinct.
“You want me to make breakfast?” she asked.
“I was going to do it, but then I got Jake so you could sleep, and my ignorance about how to care for him wound up waking you.”
“It wasn’t your ignorance that woke me. I have this sort of mommy sense that makes me conscious of him all the time, even when I’m sleeping; he’s on my mind. It’s like my body knows to wake up because he needs me. I appreciate it, but I wouldn’t have been able to sleep much longer.” She took a sip of her coffee. “I’ll make some breakfast.”
“You wanna go out instead?” I asked. I felt it was the least I could do.
Katie lit up. “Going out sounds good.” I hoped she hadn’t read more into it than I intended. I was only trying to be nice so I added, “If we go out, you’ll get to show me how to use the car seat.”
I felt bad for throwing that in there, as if I was using her to teach me, but I couldn’t have her thinking it was more than that.
29
Katie
Watching Ryan with Jacob was such a turn on. For the first time since I’d been here, I imagined what it’d be like to be married to Ryan.
In a weird way, I thought Valerie wanted us to marry because she actually thought it would be best for us, especially Jacob. My parents thought it would be the least embarrassing route for me. If I married my baby’s father, getting pregnant would seem like less of a mistake, and would make it easier for them admit that I had a child.
Either way, I was starting to feel the pressure to make something happen. I would be out of time soon, and knew Ryan wouldn’t let me continue living in his house. Jake, he’d probably let stay, but I’d be replaced by Annie.
As if I wasn’t worried enough, Valerie called to spew her message of sabotage and complain, yet again, that I was taking too long to manipulate her son into sleeping with me. It was nothing I hadn’t heard, like, every day this month. I was just about to hang up when she said, “You’ve seduced him once already.”
“He was drunk and so was I.”
“Well, then…”
“I thought you said no alcohol,” I argued.
“Desperate times, dear.”
She was seriously pushing it. It’d be nice to know if Ryan’s opinion about us was shifting, but I didn’t want it to happen that way. I wanted Ryan to want to be with me. I didn’t want to trick him into it, but I also didn’t want to have to go back home, either, which is where I’d be headed if I couldn’t make Ryan and I happen.
“I’m not so desperate that I’m going to force myself on him.”
“You do whatever you have to do to get him interested,” she threatened.
“What is it about that Annie girl that’s so awful? Ryan loves her, and I can’t change that. Even if I get him into bed, he’ll still be hers.”
“That’s not true, dear. Annie would never take Ryan back if he cheated with you. She’s so saintly; she’s on the verge of stepping aside so the three of you can be a family. She just needs a push and you’re the one who’s going to send her over the edge.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t.”
“Everyone needs a push in the right direction from time to time. It sounds like you could use one, too.”
“If that’s a threat to call my dad, go ahead. I’m sure he’d love to know that you’re trying to force me to sleep with Ryan.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t give a rat’s ass, Katherine. You know it, too. I’m on your side. In fact, I’m the only one on your side. I’m trying to help you, all you have to do is let me.”
Valerie waited patiently for that truth to sink into my brain. Sadly, she was right. My dad wouldn’t care if I humped the whole world.
“What do you want me to do?”I exhaled.
“Draw Ryan in.”
“If it were that easy, we’d be done by now.”
“Ryan isn’t cold blooded. He’s quite caring. Find his weakness toward you and make use of it.”
“He empathized with me about my mother.”
Valerie laughed. “This doesn’t concern your parents. Ryan’s physically attracted to you. He wouldn’t have slept with you otherwise. You’ve got something he likes, figure out what, and flaunt it.”
30
Ryan
Katie and I had settled into a nice routine with Jacob. The two of us being so civil was strange.
Although I was mad about it in the beginning, I had started to enjoy sitting down with Katie and Jacob for dinner. She’d fill me in on the things Jacob had done while I was at school, or away for ball. It had all been easy, without expectation of anything more than that, until tonight.
I made dinner since I had the night off. It was nothing special, but she dressed up. She’d done her hair and put on makeup, making me uncomfortable.
“I know it’s a bit much, but I haven’t done myself up in a while. It feels good, normal.”
I nodded, not making eye contact.
Katie pulled a bottle of red wine from the rack above the fridge, and began to open it. “You want some?” she asked.
“No thanks.” Drinking with Katie would be a bad idea.
Katie poured a small glass of wine for herself and sat down at the table. I placed a slice of lasagna on he
r plate. She held it up and smelled it. “I haven’t had lasagna in such a long time.”
“I’m sure it’s not as good as yours would be,” I said, then regretted it. I shouldn’t have complimented her.
“That’s sweet.” She smiled, then sipped her wine while I fixed my plate.
“It’s good,” she said, sounding surprised, after taking a bite.
“Thanks.” Being with Katie this way felt wrong. I ate quickly, and got up from the table to clean the kitchen.
A few minutes later, Katie brought her empty plate to the sink where I was standing. Instead of leaving, she lingered there beside me, sipping her wine.
“It’s so odd,” she finally said. “Going from being rich and popular without a care in the world to doing laundry and changing diapers. I partied and shopped non-stop before Jacob. I did whatever I wanted, which included nothing domestic. I never even made my own bed until after Jacob was born. I just…” She stared off for a moment. “I just want to be better for him, you know?”Katie asked.
“I do,” I admitted. I’d recently felt the same urge. I loved him, and wanted to protect him. I wanted his life to be a happy one.
Katie smiled. “Thank you for what you’ve been doing to help with him.”
“He’s my responsibility, too.”
Katie leaned against the counter top and smiled. “Every time I look at that kid, I get this warm, weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never felt anything like it. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Jacob,” she said, and then paused to take another drink of her wine.
“I was afraid of him when he was born. I panicked when the nurse tried to place him in my arms. Babies are so fragile. You have to be so careful with them. I was sure that I wasn’t fit to be anyone’s mother, but the nurse told me I would get the hang of it. That once I got to know Jacob a little he would let me know what he needed and that I would love being his mother.”
Katie’s eyes welled with tears. “Sorry,” she said, sighing, wiping her eyes. Without thinking, I put my arm around her.
Breathe (Sway Part 2) Page 7