“But I’m not a kid anymore,” Brenda countered in an attempt to try to remove some of that concern by stating the obvious.
“Brenda, that’s the dumbest thing you could have said. I don’t think if I gave you ten minutes to think about it you could have come up with anything dumber.”
Frowning and pulling her head back, Brenda looked ahead and focused on the road as they journeyed home.
“You’ll always be our kid. You’ll always be younger and more naïve and less experienced and less wise than your mother and me. It’s how God made things work.” He shook his head and stared at the road. “I don’t say that to be mean, honey. I say it because it’s true.”
Brenda looked over at her father. “Do you want me to stop, Dad? Do you want me to quit skating?”
For the first time, her voice didn’t crack at the idea of letting go of her passion. She didn’t want to come across as a spoiled brat demanding that things be her way. She wanted to know the truth, and her father would give it to her.
“What your mother and I want is for you to take what the doctors have said seriously and then base your decision on that. We want you to weigh both sides, come up with a plan or two. We don’t want you just to jump back into this because it’s what you think you’re expected to do. Because you think you have nothing else.”
The miles sped by, and Brenda and her father sat in silence for the rest of the drive home.
Stepping inside the house, Brenda filled her lungs with the familiar scent of home. For some reason, this overnight trip seemed to take more out of her and make her more homesick than her original injury had. She peeked into the kitchen but didn’t see her mother. Looking into the living room, she saw the television on, flickering some old movie. Brenda saw her mother sitting on the couch, staring at the television screen. She had something in her hands and apparently didn’t hear Brenda and her father come into the house.
“Mama?” Brenda said gently, coming up and sitting next to her mother.
“How are you feeling?” her mother asked, still facing the television.
“Oh, I’m okay. I feel pretty good, actually. Considering I was in the hospital. Nothing but sick people there, right?”
Her mother didn’t reply.
“Mom, I messed up. I pushed things too far and didn’t listen to what Pamela or Scott told me. It was my fault, and I’m so sorry I made you worry.”
“Brenda,” Cindy started, but seemed to change her mind. No words came after that.
Swallowing hard, Brenda continued, “I told Dad that if he wanted me to, I’d stop skating.”
“And what did he say?” Cindy’s voice seemed to perk up with interest.
Pouting her lips just a little, she looked at the floor and began making circles with her foot. “He said it was a stupid thing to say.”
Cindy finally turned and looked at her daughter. “He was right about that.” She had tears in her eyes, but she was no longer angry. “If you tell me all the work I’ve been doing on this is for nothing, well, I’ll just have to beat you.” Brenda’s mother held up what she’d been holding in her hands. It was a beautiful, new, skating costume that, even in the dim light of the family room, sparkled brilliantly.
Brenda hugged her around the neck.
“But, from now on, you listen to what your coach has to tell you. Don’t go thinking you know what’s best. She does,” Cindy said, stroking her daughter’s hair.
“I promise, Mama.”
“I love you so much. And I’ll never stop worrying about you or your brother.”
Brenda squeezed her hard, and then they sat silently side by side, watching the old movie. The plot was actually sort of interesting. It was about a family being held captive in a nice house on the ocean while a hurricane raged and gangsters broke in, keeping them all prisoner through the storm. She liked what she saw. But her mind kept drifting back to Pamela and Scott. Pamela would have plenty to say about this, and Brenda was ready to take her lumps. Scott didn’t seem very happy with her yesterday. She had to find just the right words to express how truly sorry she was. But would he believe her?
It wasn’t as bad as she’d been prepared for, but it was no slap on the wrist. Pamela told Brenda another stunt like that would get her formally reported to the Association of Figure Skaters as a high-risk performer who was not, by any means, to be coached, taught, or encouraged on the ice, and any attempt by Brenda to teach or make any kind of living ice skating would be prohibited under penalty of severe fines.
“I don’t know what else to do.” Pamela sighed after her reprimand. “I’ve tried to reason with you, and this is what I get.”
“I’m sorry, Pamela. I won’t do it again.”
“Have I heard this before? Have I heard this kind of promise only to be—”
“Pamela, I was just excited. I was so happy that I did it once, that I managed a spin and landed. It was like getting to fly after being in a cage. I don’t expect you to understand, but I promise I’ll never do it again. I’ll never second-guess you or Scott. You know,” Brenda nearly choked trying to get the words out so fast, “it wasn’t Scott’s fault. I hope you know that. I made him do it. I pulled rank on him and made him do it. He didn’t want to, and I should have listened ... to both of you.”
“He’s been given the same ultimatum as you. Disregard my instructions again, and both of you can find new careers. It’s the only option I see.”
Brenda nodded and stood up from the chair facing Pamela’s desk. “Is Scott here? Should I go get warmed up?”
“Yes, go get warmed up. I don’t know if Scott’s here. He said he had a lot to think about.”
Brenda’s heart collapsed. If he’d given up, she was through.
Leaving Pamela’s office, she quickly changed out of her sweats, grabbed her skates, and sprinted to the rink. What if he wasn’t there? What if he decided to just quit and keep his job teaching the little kids? It was safer. They didn’t take unnecessary risks. What was she offering him that he should stay? Aggravation and heartache.
When she arrived at the rink, she saw Scott gliding across the middle of the ice warming up. He looked so strong and confident. Why had she put him in such a position? Because you wanted one last jab, her conscience scolded. Pride. Pride did it to you and got you good this time.
Not knowing how to approach him, Brenda coughed loudly to get his attention. He looked up and Brenda waved wildly, but then he lowered his eyes and kept skating.
Slipping into her skates and tying them so tight her ankles felt like iron bars, she skated to the middle of the rink. She stood there as Scott went around her. “I’m so sorry, Scott. Pamela gave me the same ultimatum as you. You shouldn’t even be in trouble, in my opinion.” She watched him as he circled widely around her, still not looking at her face.
“I’d have never made it this far if you hadn’t stuck your neck out for me, and I should never have put you in such a position. I’m really sorry.” She wasn’t getting even a sideways glance from Scott.
Shaking her head in frustration, she got down on her knees and then on her butt and finally lay down flat on her back on the ice. “This is what I am without you, Scott. I’m nothing but a body on the ice. Just lying here. Can’t move. Just getting colder by the minute.”
Scott looked at her and shook his head. As he started to smile, he turned away.
“I should have listened to you, Scott. I know that now.”
Finally, having had enough, Scott skated over to Brenda’s side. He knelt down, looking at her, his face expressionless.
Brenda raised her hand to her forehead. “I got it, okay? You were right. I was wrong. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea.” She was trying to be humorous.
Scott shook his head, but his face quickly turned angry. “I should have never listened to you. You know, Brenda, you can’t just go and take crazy chances like that. That was stupid. Stupid of you to do it and even more stupid of me to have gone along with you.” He pushed himself up and offered he
r his hand.
Brenda waved it away, struggling to her feet herself. “I said you were right, Scott,” she said, dusting herself off. “What’s the matter?”
Scott ran both his hands through his hair and let out a bitter chuckle. “Don’t you realize how people worry about you? Don’t you realize how much I worry about you? What was I thinking when I agreed to do this? You’re stubborn and hard-headed and won’t take no for an answer. I just thought you might take things slower, maybe think them through a little more, but you just keep acting as if your injury was no big deal. Nothing serious.” He glared at her. “But it was, Brenda. You were seriously hurt. And if something happened to you that made it so I couldn’t talk to you ...” Scott’s voice broke off, and he turned his back. He coughed into his fist as if that was all he needed to say, but Brenda had noticed the red around his eyes. “This was a bad idea. I thought with my heart and not my head,” he said in almost a whisper. “I can’t skate with you.”
“Wait a minute,” Brenda said, her voice low. “Don’t tell me about how people worry about me. Or about how you worry about me because everyone is all too familiar with how much you worried about me buying a dress, paying for caterers, standing all by myself at the altar of our church. You were more worried about some friend I never knew about than you were about me. So don’t give me any sappy lines about worry.”
“Jeez, Brenda, I thought we were getting past all that,” Scott said, rolling his eyes in frustration.
“I don’t know if a girl ever gets past all that, Scott,” Brenda snapped. “But don’t stand here and point the finger at me. I scared you, did I? I made you feel helpless? Insecure? You know what? Good. I’m glad. Now maybe you’ll understand how I felt.” She put her hands on her hips and a little shakily began to skate back to the corral.
She’d really been trying to find forgiveness in her heart for Scott. She didn’t understand his choice to leave her when he did, how he did. She was trying to forgive because she really wanted to. Her feelings soared in a thousand different directions when she saw him. No matter how she tried to put her passion into her skating, it was skating with Scott that made her happiest. But hearing those words made her realize she still had a good bit of recovering to do from that injury—the one at the church. Her heart had been hurt at its deepest core. No rest or rehab was going to ever make it function as it had before it had been so badly damaged, neglected, or whatever the right word was.
Looking at Scott, who was staring directly at her, Brenda blinked. “You can’t quit, Scott. I won’t let you. You quit on me before and look at how long it’s taken just to get where we are. I won’t let you do it to me again.” Letting her hands fall to her sides, she let a small smile push up the corners of her lips. “You owe me.”
“You think so?” Scott said, his icy demeanor melting away by the second.
“I won’t take any more unnecessary risks. I promise. But you owe me. So you aren’t quitting.”
Brenda extended her hand to him, and he took it. He let her pull him gently to the corral. There she offered him her bottle of water, which he took and drank all but a few drops. Brenda pursed her eyebrows and laughed at him. “You know, the water from the fountain smells like eggs.”
Scott shrugged his shoulders as if to say, I don’t care. Nothing but smelly egg water for you, missy. But before Brenda could take her bottle to refill it at the white porcelain fountain with the rusty drain, he produced a new bottle of water from his own duffle bag. Handing it to her, he said not a word but smiled broadly.
Chapter 8
The skating world was broken up into a year of three simple seasons. The preparation season was about nine months long and devoted to competitors focusing on training, fine-tuning, and perfecting their craft. Then there was the competition season, which lasted about two and a half months. Skaters would make the rounds to the various competitions in their areas as well as traveling greater distances to participate in the qualifying events. Then, after all the routines, after all the tears from low scores or exhilaration from perfect scores, after all the hours of practice, the nursing of injuries, and the excitement had died down, the skaters would enjoy the final season of rest—which lasted about two weeks.
Brenda and Scott were quickly approaching the competition season.
“Oh, Brenda, I so miss the snow,” Julie Peterson gushed into the phone. “California is my home, but I really do think there’s something a little unnatural about Christmas without the white stuff.”
“Well, you know you’ve always got a place to stay. You just say the word, and my mom will make up the room for you.
Brenda had met Julie when they were both seniors in high school. Brenda’s Bible study group had taken a trip to San Francisco for the Next Gen Christian Mentor/Mentee Conference, which Julie was also attending.
They were paired off and became fast friends. Julie was gentle and sweet at every turn while Brenda was sarcastic and funny. Their backgrounds couldn’t have been more different, with Julie coming from a well-to-do family in San Francisco and Brenda from the much colder temperatures of Wisconsin.
“So, tell me how the skating has been coming along?” asked Julie. “You’ve got competitions coming up. Will you be visiting California for any of them? I’ve got a new friend I was hoping you might be able to meet.”
“A new friend? Really? Tell me about it.”
“Oh, it’s too early to tell. His name is Tom. I kind of like him. We’ll see what happens. Now you. Tell me about skating. You know how I love to hear about it, considering I can barely walk a straight line, let alone move with sharp, thin blades strapped to the bottoms of my feet.”
Brenda let out a deep sigh.
“Uh oh. That doesn’t sound too good.”
“Scott and I have been practicing for nine months, Julie. We’ve got our first competition next week. And it isn’t just some local talent competition. This is the Pacific. But the competition isn’t the only thing that has me worried. I mean, the reporters from the area are skulking around, and they can’t ever be decent.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s reporters that have you spooked. Tell me.”
“He let me down before, Julie. He let me down on the most important day of my life. I can’t help it. He’s been so perfect in every other way. We’ve actually become really good ... friends, even better than before. But there’s a part of me that has no faith in him. I’m afraid he’s just going to let me down again.”
“Brenda, don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit? If Scott had a mean bone in his body, I’d say yeah, maybe. But I’ve seen how he looks at you, and I just don’t think he’s out to cause that kind of damage.”
“Yeah, but you saw him before he ... stood me up. He looked totally different when he came back from his friend’s emergency.”
“Do you think you’re seeing that same look now?”
Brenda gazed at her hand and inspected her nails, which she’d painted a light pink to match the trim of the costume she was going to wear for the upcoming performance. “No. No, I don’t see anything suspicious. He hasn’t said anything to make me think he’s going to bail out on me. I just find myself reliving that fear of waiting. The excitement of what the event is supposed to be like and then what it actually turns out to be like can be as different as night and day. I feel like I’m suffering from some kind of shellshock, and that makes me feel even more tied up in knots. Just tell me to toughen up and quit acting like such a baby.”
Julie laughed. “I’m going to be honest with you, Bren. I don’t think Scott is the issue. I mean, you might be a little nervous about performing with him, but I think what you’re most scared of is yourself. I think you might be afraid of getting so close, like you did before, and having the rug yanked out from under you by another accident, or a slip, or a twisted ankle, or a million other things that might be going through your mind. It isn’t Scott. But it’s easier to put someone else’s face on a fear than our own.”
>
Brenda sat in silence for a moment.
“Brenda? I hope I haven’t hurt your feelings. Look, what do I know? I’m a million miles away on the outside looking in. Don’t listen to me.”
“No, Jules. You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t see it myself. But you’re right. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid to fail, but I’m terrified to do well. What if we actually make it through the Pacific and then head off to the Sectionals? The next stop is the Olympics.”
“But ever since we met, that’s what you’ve always wanted. Don’t you want that anymore? Because if you don’t, you need to tell Scott. If your heart isn’t in it then—”
“No. That isn’t it at all,” Brenda interrupted. “You have no idea how much I want to compete in the Olympics. The fanfare and the pageantry. The honor of just making it that far would be, gosh, the greatest thing in life.”
“Then, Brenda, go and get it. The only thing in your way is you.”
After her conversation with Julie, Brenda realized just how right her friend was. She made a mental note to have an Edible Arrangement sent to her, just to say thanks for holding up the mirror Brenda needed to look into.
It was two weeks before Christmas, and the town was festive with the season. Streetlights were festooned with enormous candy canes and glittering garlands, store windows had been painted with “Merry Christmas” and “Joy to the World,” and, at night, houses were aglitter with colored lights. The Wagner house was no exception. As he did every year, Mr. Wagner ran multicolored lights along the roofline and hung tiny, white, icicle lights near the front door. Inside the house, the air was permeated with the heady aroma of pine from the live Christmas tree decorated to the hilt and positioned by the window facing the street. Mrs. Wagner had carefully unwrapped the ceramic figures and little wooden manger of the heirloom crèche that had been in her family for generations and placed the holy family on a special table in the living room.
Brenda loved Christmas, and she was happy this critical competition was taking place at this time of so many fond memories. She saw the crèche every time she came into the house, and it reminded her what this holiday was truly about. It was so easy to get caught up in the shopping and the gatherings and, this year, in the upcoming competition. Looking at the crèche, she remembered that this was the season of love and hope, of God’s greatest gift, and thinking about this made her feel gratitude for her life and talents.
Heart of a Champion Page 7