“You don’t have to lie to kick it.” She admonished with the roll of her eyes.
I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. Ignoring Katinka’s teasing I focused on the task at hand, measuring out the flour into my two bowls. I could feel Katinka’s judgmental eyes boring into me as I continued to add in the ingredients, salt, cream, eggs, and vanilla.
“Here let me help.” She offered, hopping off her stool and coming around the counter to take the whisk out of my hands.
“I have it.” I protested, unwilling to give up my bowl.
“No, you don’t have anything. You put in too much cream, you’re missing a whole host of ingredients and you still need to start the bacon and griddle.” She gritted out through her teeth as she wrestled the bowl away from me.
“Bacon’s in the oven and I’m doing everything like the recipe said.” I growled in annoyance. I had been following the recipe to a T. Katinka’s control freak attitude was beginning to grate on my nerves. For once I wanted to be able to do something nice for my wife. Also, I wanted to ensure she was fully sated so that she would have the energy to continue what we had started last night. I was a man on a mission, one who had been starved for too long. Heather’s body was the only substance I craved.
“Why in the hell did you put the bacon in the oven? Go sit down before you hurt yourself.” She chastised both of her hands pressed against my chest as she physically pushed me out of the kitchen.
“Don’t knock it woman. The oven will make sure the bacon is cooked perfectly, no mess, and you can cook more at a time.” I recited the words from the recipe I had found online. Katinka rolled her eyes, continuing to shove me out of the way.
“What are you two fighting about now?” Evie asked shuffling her feet into the kitchen, baby Livi in her arms.
“Ivan was trying to poison everyone with his cooking but thankfully I came in just in time to save us all. He put bacon in the oven.” Katinka’s eyes grew wide with emphasis as she baited Evie on to her team. Unaffected, Evie shrugged walking past the two of us. “I prefer my bacon cooked in the oven as well.” She said as she made her way to the rack of bottles sitting on the far counter.
“How can you say that?” Katinka was flabbergasted at being over ruled by her fellow sister in arms.
“Because it’s true. I have had next to zero sleep and I really don’t care how the bacon is cooked. As long as you stay out of my way while I feed this baby so I can go back to bed.” Evie sighed in exhaustion.
Livi was a colicky baby and her late nights were really taking a toll on Evie’s sleep.
“How about you give me the baby, I’ll feed her and take care of her while you go back to bed and catch a few Z’s?” I suggested eager to take my niece off her hands.
“Deal.” Evie didn’t even pause to think about it as she handed the tiny infant off to me. Katinka took over the bottle making while I cooed to the newest member of our family in my arms.
“Do you think she’s alright?” Katinka asked once Evie was out of earshot.
I glanced over my shoulder to the doorway Evie had just left through. “Yeah. I think she just needs some uninterrupted sleep. She’s trying to take on too much on her own. I think she will get the hang of it.” I turned my focus back to Katinka. “I know someone else who was exactly like that after they had their first baby.” I shot her a knowing wink.
Unmoved Katinka shot me the bird. Handing me the freshly made bottle she went back to working on the batter I had prepared.
“So what’s the word on your crazy ex?” Katinka asked never looking up from the bowl in her hands as she added more flour and a dash of sugar.
“Jason called. He said Nina won’t submit to a DNA test while pregnant. By law we can’t force her. If she were in the US we might have had a chance. Heather thinks I need to let her parents know what she has been doing. Obviously they wouldn’t be happy to hear about it and definitely when it’s affecting family.” I sighed adjusting the bottle for the baby in my arms. Livi ate happily in my arms as Katinka and I discussed options for the Nina situation.
Katinka agreed with Heather, that I should involve Nina’s family. The more they said it the more I had to agree. I had wanted to keep this out of the family and just handle the problem on my own but that didn’t seem like it was going to work. The last thing I wanted was family drama. But there was no other choice. I needed to nip this problem in the bud. Especially, since I planned to have an actual baby with my wife.
“You don’t have to do anything.” Tosha’s voice boomed from the doorway. He stood there shirtless in a pair of net shorts with a smiling Karina on his hip.
“What do you mean?” Katinka and I asked in unison.
Tosha stood there proudly, his chest puffed out with pride. “I’ve already talked to my aunt and uncle and let them know what Nina has been up to. Apparently she has been married for a couple of months now. Since the engagement to Kiev fell through her parents had a second suitor waiting in the wings for her. She is, in fact, pregnant. She and her husband are excited about the pregnancy. They said they would talk to her. Worst case scenario, you could contact her husband, but I have a feeling that won’t be necessary. Her mother seemed to be quite livid with her having found out the hell she was putting you through.”
I had no words. I was grateful that the problem would be resolved, grateful that Tosha took the initiative to contact Nina’s family. Wounded by the continued lies spun by the woman I thought I loved. Nina had no intentions of marrying me. She merely wanted to play games with my emotions. It hurt. I couldn’t lie. I was no longer in love with her, as my heart belonged to Heather. It didn’t make the betrayal sting any less. I quickly schooled my face, shoving my emotions down. I had Heather now, Nina was the past. There was no point in holding onto any emotions associated with the woman who drove me to near madness.
“You going to be okay?” Katinka asked, concern etched in her face.
“Yeah, I think I am.” I smiled for the first time since hearing the news. In that moment I believed it. I was in fact going to be okay.
“Good, since everything has worked itself out, both of you boys get out of my kitchen.” Katinka shooed me and Tosha with her hands. I rested Livi’s bottle on the counter, lifting the baby to my shoulder to burp.
“You’re such a meanie.” I mock scolded Katinka as I walked away with a happily sated Livi.
The two of us retreated to the den, babies in tow. “I really appreciate what you did, bro.” Tosha swatted away my words. “Bros before hoes, always.” Tosha stuck his fist out for me to bump.
“Would you two just kiss and make out already?” Damon teased, hopping over the back of the couch with Dominik in his hands he landed between Tosha and I on the couch with a bounce. The infant in his arms giggled loudly. “And that’s how you do it.” Damon boasted to Dominik.
“That’s how you do it if you want any of your aunties getting your behind.” Nik corrected as he shuffled into the room.
“Man why do you have to be such a buzz kill?” Damon pouted.
“Since I’m the only grownup in the room.” Nik said proudly eliciting a chorus of groans from the room.
“What am I missing?” Kiev asked sauntering into the room.
“Tosha got rid of the Nina issue for me and Nik still thinks he’s a grown up.” I smirked shooting Nik a cocky smile.
“Okay, so now that everyone is wifed up and has a kid, we need to figure out our next move. The label is threatening to drop us if we don’t give them an answer soon as to what we’re going to do.” Nik’s loud voice boomed through the room.
There it was, the pinch we all felt coming. We had been out of the game for just over a year and we still had a few months left from our two year hiatus. We now needed an answer for our label.
We all knew this was coming, we just ignored it. It was much easier to live in our bubble as we all sought to find ourselves and fulfill the rest of our dreams.
“I’m not wifed up.” Damon interjecte
d throwing his hand in the air to call attention to himself.
“I’m kid free.” I followed throwing my own hand in the air.
“Fair point both of you.” Nik agreed pointing a finger at Damon and me as he took a sleeping Livi from my grasp before taking a seat across from us on the opposing couch. The sleeping infant cocooned in his arms.
“We still need a game plan to bring to the label. Are we taking another year off? Retiring? Going back once our break is up? What are we doing?” Nik peppered us with questions.
The room remained silent as we all took the time to really think about what it was we wanted. I loved being on the road, making music, and rocking the fuck out. The screaming fans were what kept my blood pumping. But now I had a wife and I wanted to start a family. I didn’t want to be an absent father throughout my child’s life. I didn’t want to miss those first words, first steps, and first smile. I didn’t want to miss a single day with my child. I also understood that taking a child on the road with me was not the better option. I wouldn’t rob my parents of any first or any days without their grandchild.
The heaviness in the room was palpable. The weight that rested on everyone’s shoulders was tangible. We all loved the road, the music, the thrill, and we all had someone in our lives, a child, a potential child, a wife that we didn’t want to leave behind.
If there was ever a harder decision to make in one’s career I wouldn’t know what it would be. This decision had to be unanimous. If the decision was split by even just one of us this whole thing could fall apart. The carefree morning just sank, dragging us all down with it.
When I woke up this morning, I thought my hardest decision for the day was going to be which way I was going to take Heather first after breakfast. Sex was now the farthest thing from my mind.
“Come on boys, breakfast is ready, and the table is set.” Emily called from the doorway to the den.
Silently we all made our way to the dining room, our feet shuffling over the hardwood floors as we ambled along silently. The tension clung to us like a second skin, a tide threatening to sweep us under.
A soft hand on my bicep pulled me out of my zombie like trance, just enough for me to register the change in scenery. The large family table was loaded down with pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausage, biscuits, and eggs. How the girls had managed to cook up such a large feast in such a short amount of time was beyond me. I gave a small smile to my wife, laying a gentle kiss at the crown of her head. “I love you.” I whispered across her smooth red hair.
Heather gave my arm a squeeze pulling away far enough to sign back to me “I love you, most.” My smile widened as her honey colored eyes washed away all the heaviness I felt in my heart. I couldn’t imagine leaving her side for even a moment.
“Let’s eat.” She signed. My stomach began to growls as the delicious aroma of the feast finally hit my brain.
Despite the heavy conversation in the den, breakfast moved along swiftly with ease. It didn’t take long for the women to fill the silence, their laughter and bright conversation sweeping out all of the heavy tension.
“So Cassie, I see you have a new piece of jewelry.” Emily wagged her brows extravagantly as she called attention to the ring that adorned her left hand.
Cassie’s cheeks began to redden. “He proposed last night.” She motioned toward Damon with her head as she beamed happily in his direction.
The room broke out in cheers as Cassie was welcomed into the family. The ladies spoke excitedly as they planned out Cassie and Damon’s wedding. Unlike the rest of us, Cassie and Damon planned to have an extravagant affair. I watched as Damon smiled proudly, his happiness undeniable. I began to wonder if he would be in agreement of leaving the road behind or if he would want to get back out there. Cassie’s all girl pop group had just been signed to a label and were preparing to cut their first record. Kiev had worked with them relentlessly to fulfill their dreams. I wondered how that would play out, both Damon and Cassie on the road at the same time. Neither one of them having the time to settle down and have a conventional marriage or life. I know Damon would never ask her to give up her dreams.
Nik and Evie smiled proudly at their daughter. I couldn’t imagine Nik giving up his new role as father. I could see it in his eyes as he looked between the infant in his arms and his wife. The happiness and content radiated off of him in waves. I couldn’t imagine Nik giving it all up to go back out on the road.
Katinka and Tosha sat side by side, Karina proudly sitting on her father’s lap. They were expecting their second child. I couldn’t see Katinka leaving Karina with a sitter while she was on the road. Her first pregnancy was hard on her as she finished out the tour. I couldn’t see her going back. I couldn’t see her sacrificing time with her daughter to be on stage, though I wouldn’t expect it. The stage wasn’t where Katinka’s heart was. Writing music was where she wanted to be. She didn’t have to leave the confines of her home or leave her children for someone else to care for to write her songs.
As much hell as we put Tosha through, I already knew he wouldn’t leave his wife’s side. Tosha had been in love with Katinka for as far back as I can remember. Once he got her in his arms I knew without a doubt he would do anything to keep her there. I didn’t fully understand it until I had Heather. Just because I understood it didn’t mean I would quit giving him hell. There was no doubt in my mind what Tosha’s decision was going to be. He was going wherever his wife went.
As my eyes fell on Kiev I felt a different sort of energy. Kiev had always lived for the road. He loved the thrill and excitement of traveling to new cities more than the rest of us. He lived for the bright lights and screaming fans. Emily had no ties holding her back. Most of her schooling she could do from the road by his side. She still had a while to go before she gave birth but even then I could see her proudly screaming in the crowd as she watched her husband work the stage. I felt certain that Kiev would choose to go back out on the road.
Breakfast wound down. The women gathered the babies leaving us guys to clean up the dining room table and kitchen. We worked in silence, each of us lost to our own thoughts. In no time at all we had both rooms knocked out. Whereas before we would have spent more time goofing off and talking shit. Spending nearly half the morning on our task, the heaviness that weighed within us had us finished in record time.
Chapter Sixteen
“Everyone has had ample time to think about the future and what you want. It’s time we all go into the den and discuss it.” Nik said tossing the last dish in the dishwasher and starting it.
Like scolded children we shuffled back into the empty den. The women had left to go shopping, giving us time to work through our decision alone. We all took a seat Nik, Tosha, and Kiev on one couch and Damon and myself on the other.
“Has everyone made a decision?” Nik asked giving each of us a long hard stare.
A round of muffled sounds rolled around the room as everyone answered that they had.
“We all know how this goes. There is no split decision. There is no taking one for the team. We all have to agree. We all have to be happy with the decision.” Nik continued. You could feel the weight of the room boring down. It was nearly stifling.
“Who would like to go first?” Nik asked, looking around the room for a volunteer. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end as Nik’s gaze settled on me. Fuck. I thought as he continued to stare me down.
It was now or never. I didn’t seem to have much of a choice. Closing my eyes I took a deep breath holding in it I forced myself to be calm. With a slow exhale I spoke. “I don’t want to go back out on the road. I love what we did. I love making music, rocking the crowds, and playing with you guys.” I let my gaze fall on each one of them as I spoke.
“But things have changed. When we were younger and hit the stage you would feel the energy ripping through the room. The crowd stood on their feet cheering. There were mosh pits going, crowd surfing, and the lingering smell of marijuana that conte
nded with the deafening roar of the crowd as they held their lighters in the air screaming for an encore. “I let out a long sign.
“Things have changed. The crowds are glued to their phones, more worried about sharing their location and posting what they are doing than about what is actually going on. There is no glow from lighters; it’s all smartphones in the air as they record the show. Everyone stands like zombies as we play. We have to watch for lawsuits from the random old school mosher who accidently hurts someone. No one smokes cigarettes anymore let alone the hidden joint. The crowds are cloaked in vape clouds and all you can smell is the designated flavor of the month. Maple one week and fruity pebbles the next. It’s not that I think everyone should smoke pot or cigarettes, I’m just illustrating the differences.” I say holding my hands out in front of me in defense.
“I love what we did. I love making music. I just don’t want to go back out on the road. I want to stay home, build on my marriage with Heather and start a family.” I admit with a sad smile. I can’t read any of their faces. I have no idea if they agree or disagree and that leaves my stomach a mess of nerves.
“I’m not going back out there. Dominik has changed my life. I want to be home with him, spend every single day with him. I can’t be the father I want to be. A father my father would be proud of, if I went back out. I’m not opposed to small shows or the occasional appearance, but I’m not leaving my son.” Damon says with determination.
“Cassie and I have spoken about this extensively. She is on the hook for one album and a tour but then she is out. She wants to be with me. She proved to herself that she has what it takes to make it and that’s good enough for her. I’ll support her in whatever decision she makes in the future, but as for me, I’m done. I love helping out at the studio and I want to focus all of my energy there, helping others fulfill their dreams.” Damon finishes and sits back hands behind his neck. The relief is visible on his face at having expressed his position.
Still Rocking Page 11