Russ nodded, then after a moment added, “See him often?”
She smiled. “No, not for a while. My sister and I used to spend weekends at his apartment. But just when we were kids.”
Russ nodded again. “Been ten years since I saw mine. He really didn’t want anything to do with us . . . well, it doesn’t matter.” He paused to cough into his sleeve. “I don’t really think of him as my dad, anymore, so it’s no big deal.”
“That’s sad.”
“No, it’s not,” said Russ, almost too quiet for her to hear. The silence afterwards felt very loud, and she wished she hadn’t said something so drippy.
Why are we even talking about this? Liseli looked away. This is hardly any better than talking about Marcy. Russ doesn’t want you pitying him, you don’t want to be pitying him. So just stop.
“You know what I could really go for right now?” She switched gears, cocking her head to the side as she looked up at the purplish-gray sky. “A cheeseburger.”
“Really?”
“Yeah . . . .” She could feel his gaze on her again, but she didn’t look down. “A greasy patty on a smashed up marshmallow bun, with a couple squirts of ketchup and mustard, some shredded lettuce, a slice of cheese . . . and those limp, wilted little pickle slices. I could actually eat that right now, and enjoy it.”
Russ shook his head. “I’m not very hungry.”
“That’s because you’re sick.”
“I know.”
Liseli got to her feet, and brushed some damp grass blades from her jeans. The pond lay in a low dell between two hills, and she turned her gaze up the hill to the west. “What are you doing?” Russ asked.
“I’m thinking about walking up the hill to see . . . what I can see,” Liseli replied with a brief smile. “Who knows, maybe there’s a big city just on the other side.”
“I’ll come with you,” he said, moving to stand.
“You should rest.”
“I can’t down here. The bugs’ll eat me alive.”
They climbed up the slope through the sparse trees, and at the top they could look out for quite a distance. There was no city, or village, or any trace of human habitation, but there was a river. It ran parallel to the range of mountains, blue and sparkling in the rays of setting sun filtering over the peaks. Liseli groaned. “If I’d known there was a river nearby I wouldn’t have drunk that scuzzy pond water!” she complained, looking out over the treetops separating them from the water.
She glanced to her side and saw that Russ had sat down again. “Yeah,” was all he said.
“Are you getting worse?” Liseli asked, wrinkling her forehead in concern.
“I just need to catch my breath.”
“It wasn’t that long a walk up the hill,” she replied, turning to glance down through the trees. “Well . . . .”
Russ pulled a napkin from his pocket and blew his nose, before mumbling something about only taking a second. Liseli leaned against a tree and continued to survey the valley below, trying to guess how far away the river was. The elevation of the hill was enough that she could see the water over the top of a wood in between, but that made it hard to gauge the distance. And still there was no sign of people, anywhere, no matter how much she squinted into the sunset to look around. With a sigh, she shifted her weight against the tree, and she heard a faint crinkling sound from her back pocket.
Liseli then remembered the brochure from Cheeseburger U, and she pulled it out. It was almost surreal . . . . It seemed days since she had sat in Mr. Berdilo’s office, but it had been just that morning. She unfolded it and only half-read some of the information. She could barely remember how upset she had been about it, earlier. She thought again of Russ’s half asked question, Is the Burger House all you ever think about? She sniffed. He didn’t know anything about her concerns, about what she thought about. Who she thought about. That was just as well.
She turned to look back down at him. He was lying on his side, eyes shut, with his arms wrapped around himself, and the sight sent a little shiver of fear through her. Liseli put the brochure back in her pocket, and crouched down next to him. “Russ? Are you okay?”
He didn’t respond — he appeared to be asleep, though he was grimacing as if suffering from stomach pains. What is the matter with you? Liseli reached out to feel his temperature again, hovering her hand over him before following through. It seemed odd to touch him while he slept, but he didn’t awaken when she rested her palm on the side of his face. He felt very hot; just as bad, if not worse than earlier in the day. Liseli moved her hand up to his forehead, and he stirred slightly, mumbling something unintelligible, but did not open his eyes.
The world was all gray now, the sun a mere shadow of memory behind the mountains. Liseli shivered at the chill that crept into the air, and she thought about trying to wake Russ up so they could get to the river before it became completely dark. But as she drew her hand away and looked down at his face, tense even in his sleep, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Liseli crawled back over by the tree, and sat up against it, darting a glance around at the dark woods. She could barely remember the last time she’d slept outside, years ago when her mother had been married to Ike Stevens, who was very fond of camping. She remembered one trip . . . they’d gone hiking on a trail around the campsite, and she and Leona had stopped to gather up pinecones. Ike had told them that it was “tree poop” and they’d dropped their stash and run screaming to Candace while he laughed. Liseli smiled faintly at the memory. Ike hadn’t been such a bad guy . . . he liked jokes. He was similar to her dad, that way . . . and then he’d left, just like Dad.
The temperature dropped rapidly once the sun was gone, and Liseli clutched herself in a tense embrace. Everything was quiet, except for the vigorous chirping of frogs and crickets down by the pond. Russ became an obscure lump where he lay a few feet away from her, as all things were shrouded in the cloud of night. She stared at him intently, as her eyes threatened to droop shut. She felt very alone, worlds away from the room she shared with her sisters at home. She was sure they wouldn’t notice her absence. Lara was only three, and would be long asleep before Liseli was even due to arrive home, and Leona was probably out on a date and would drop into her own bed hours later without bothering to notice who was or wasn’t in the others. At least they wouldn’t be worried.
She shut her eyes and searched for a halfway comfortable position on the ground, trying not to think about the insects around her. It was getting so cold. She listened to the sound of the crickets, and Russ’s rattling wheeze, wondering how she was ever to sleep with that much noise.
I can’t sleep . . . I can’t sleep . . . I can’t sleep . . . she turned the words over and over in her head. The ground was too hard. The air was too cold. I can’t sleep . . . . I want to go home, please . . . don’t let this be home . . . .
Chapter 5 ~ The River
Liseli didn’t know if she’d slept or not, that night. She must have; she didn’t remember lying awake the whole time, and she thought there had been dreams. Or was it just her thoughts running over the day again and again as she lay sleepless? She seemed to be walking up and down hills perpetually in her half-dreams, searching the endless wilderness for something familiar and safe. Some sort of sign that things could be right again.
She did not feel rested, as she watched the sky turn colors in the morning. She crawled over to where Russ lay, and tried to rouse him. He was in bad shape: the night’s sleep did not seem to have helped him. His face had a grayish appearance . . . maybe that was just because of the thin covering of black stubble that popped up over his pasty jaw overnight, but she was sure that it was more than that. He couldn’t even focus on her when he opened his eyes — they looked clouded and glazed. She couldn’t tell if he comprehended who she was.
She backed away and stood up. “No, no, no . . . this isn’t good . . . ” she moaned. “I’m a restaurant manger, not a nurse! I can’t manage sickness,” she said to him,
but he just turned over and groaned.
“What to do what to do what to do.” Liseli began to pace. Her first thought was that he needed water — water’s good for everything, right? But she was torn between the pond and the river. Which is closer? The river certainly looked healthier, but it might be a long walk. The pond wasn’t that near, either . . . . It seemed like Russ couldn’t even come to enough to get up, much less walk down either slope. And she didn’t have anything to carry water to him. And how much would water do, anyway?
“This is ridiculous!” she exclaimed, “I should know what to do!”
She swallowed down the feeling of panic, and knelt beside him. The thing to do, she decided, was to get him to the river. Water couldn’t hurt, and then she’d think of what to do next.
“Come on, Russ. Get up. You can get up, can’t you? It’s just a short walk. Downhill, too.”
He licked his lips and murmured, “I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah, sure. Up,” she said, trying to tug him up by his shoulders.
“Jus’lemme rest,” he pleaded, his voice slurred and raspy.
“You’ve been resting all night,” Liseli argued. “And you’re just getting worse. Aren’t you thirsty?”
His eyes flickered open, and he looked to be almost focusing on her face. “Ge’me some water?” he whispered in supplication, like a little child asking one more favor before bed.
“I don’t have anything to carry it with,” Liseli insisted. “You have to get up, Russell.”
“Alright.” He closed his eyes and made no move.
“Stop being so difficult!” Liseli barked in exasperation. She felt a tinge of regret a moment afterward, but got to her feet and added, “Well . . . I’m going to the river. And . . . if you don’t come, you’ll just be left here. Alone. Because I may not come back for you. Do you understand?”
This prompted him to roll over again, and slowly lift himself up to one elbow. “I’m trying,” he gasped, wincing up at her. “My bones . . . feel like mush.” He paused, and added, “Burning mush.”
“Don’t say that. Here, I’ll help you up,” she offered, unable to stand just watching his slow progress. She bent down and slipped her arm beneath his, offering her shoulder. She tried to boost him up, but he was very heavy. As her legs buckled, she cursed her petite frame. But she managed to keep her balance, and he got his legs under him. She drew away for a moment, and he stood alone.
“There . . . that’s better,” he said, turning toward the river and taking a step forward. “I’m good, now—”
Russ wavered, and Liseli saw that he was about to topple over. She thrust her arms out to stop him, but he caught his balance on his own. “Sorry . . . blacked out for a sec . . . .”
“Are you gonna do that all the way down to the river?” Liseli asked.
“No, I’ll be fine. But . . . the pond’s closer?”
“You wanna die of pond scum poisoning?”
He hesitated, thinking about it. “No . . . .”
“I was being sarcastic, Russ.” She rolled her eyes. “But seriously, you’re bad enough as is, that stagnant water isn’t good for you. The river isn’t that far . . . c’mon, I’ll walk you down, okay?”
They ventured out in the still cool morning air, the sun a pale light emerging in the east. Standing upright and breathing in the fresh air seemed to revive Russ a little, and he was able to make his was down the steep hill, leaning on Liseli less and less as they went. At the bottom, Liseli dropped her arm from beneath Russ’s shoulder blades, and after a moment he took his arm from around her and walked on his own. The ground leveled out into a field that led to the eaves of another wood.
It took longer than she’d expected to traverse the woods, and she was acutely aware of Russ’s stymied breathing. She felt as if she should make some sort of hopeful, encouraging observation, but drew a blank.
The underbrush grew thick and tangled, and Liseli cursed at the thorns and prickers. They picked their way through the woods with difficulty, until the trees thinned out again. Liseli could hear the gentle rush of water, and caught a glimmer of blue between the trunks. She quickened her step. A stretch of calf-high field grass and flowers lay between them and the river. There was a road, also, a worn line of weed-pocked dirt stretching from north to south alongside the river.
She didn’t take the time to wonder about where it went, but sighed with relief. Her happiness was short lived, though. Russ had dropped behind, and he emerged from the trees looking like a zombie. Liseli glanced back at him, saying, “There! It wasn’t that far after all, was it?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he dropped to his knees, swaying back and forth as he tried to keep from falling flat on his face. Liseli was over by him in an instant. “What’s the matter? Come on, Russ, this is no time to quit, we’re—”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “for being such a sick bag of shit. I don’t know . . . what’s wrong with me . . . .”
His eyes rolled up into his head and he fell forward, fast and heavy. Liseli’s eyes widened in shock. She gripped his shoulders and kept him from hitting the ground, though his sudden deadweight nearly sprained her wrists. She laid him down on the grass, and pushed him over so that he was on his back instead of his face. “Russ!” she gave him a futile shake, then tried patting his face, but he remained unconscious.
She tugged at his shoulders again, and his head just listed to the side. Alive? She fumbled for his wrist and tried to feel a pulse, and she saw that her hands were shaking. She couldn’t feel anything, and dropped his arm. It flopped to the ground. “Sorry,” she muttered automatically, then swore under her breath when he didn’t respond. She couldn’t tell if the pulse wasn’t there, or if she just couldn’t find the right spot to feel. She bent down and put an ear to his chest, and heard a heartbeat, but also felt his breathing. Of course, he never stopped breathing, it doesn’t take a nurse to figure that out, just a brain, you little nitwit, she thought, with relief. But the feeling dwindled as he began to shiver, even though he still felt burning hot to touch.
She sat back on her heels and put her hands to her forehead, her mind whirling with panicked thoughts . . . . What is the matter? Was it something in that pond water? But I drank it, and I feel fine . . . or is that because he was already been sick . . . and weak? What kind of bacteria do they have in this place . . . stuff we’re not immune to? Oh God, he has some unknown disease, I know it, I know it, I know it . . . .
Stop, stop, stop! She tried to calm herself, pushing away the string of disturbing thoughts, taking deep breaths. Calm down, manage the situation, don’t panic . . . .
She nervously brushed his hair away from his face, trying to think what to do. She couldn’t carry him to the river . . . and what if there was just worse bacteria lurking in that water, anyway? She shook her head. It was a river, not a mosquito infested mud hole, so it should be fine. And she could at least try dragging him there, she thought.
Liseli hooked her hands under his armpits. She tugged at him, grunting at how heavy he was. She cursed her petite, wimpy little frame again, but persisted doggedly.
It made the hike of the day before seem like a stroll down a hallway. Shuffling backwards, bent over, would have been hard enough even without trying to pull Russ. Her spine screamed in protest and she tripped and fell on her backside more than once. But finally, as she hung her head upside down with the blood rushing to it, looking between her legs at where she was going, she saw that the river was only a few feet away.
Liseli sat down and put her hands on her back, grimacing and rotating her neck to loosen it. Then she crawled to the water’s edge and thrust her hands into the cool rushing current. She splashed it up onto her face with a shiver of delight, and then took a few hungry slurps from her cupped hands. It washed down her throat cold, clean and refreshing, and seemed to instantly tingle all through her blood.
When she looked into the water, she didn’t see her reflection, or the riverbed. It shimmered, a deep, clean
blue, but instead of simply reflecting the sunlight it seemed to glow with its own light. How odd . . . . She blinked, feeling a little dizzy — or no, just . . . light and loose and . . . free . . . . It was a good feeling, and she smiled, a sudden giggle escaping her. Something appeared in the water below her, a face, a woman’s face, but it wasn’t hers. It was pale, with dark hair and dark eyes, and it stared out at her solemnly. She didn’t feel alarmed, just stared curiously into the eyes . . . wanting them to laugh — to laugh with her. The eyes closed and the face disappeared.
She saw her own face now, wavering in the water, a white cloud behind her head. She looked up. Sure enough there it was, hanging in the sky . . . the very blue sky. It is just clear water, after all. And . . . what had she seen? Seen? She couldn’t think why she thought she had seen something. Silly.
She sat back on the bank. Well. Wow. Can’t remember water having ever tasted better . . . .
Liseli suddenly remembered why she was there. She crouched back over the edge, and dipped her hands back into the river, scooping up some water to transport to Russ. She turned, walking on her knees towards him, squeezing her fingers together as tightly as she could, to keep as much water as possible from spilling on the ground. She looked down at him, and felt silly — she had thought of lifting his head and trying to get him to open his mouth and swallow the water . . . but she could hardly do any of that with both hands pressed together.
Liseli paused, her hands hovering above him, but then she simply parted them, letting it splash down over his face, watching the water with fascination as it cascaded down. Russ blinked and spluttered a little, then opened his eyes all the way and stared back up at her.
“Can you get up? The river’s right here. C’mon, try drinking some water.” She tugged at one arm with her wet hands.
He groaned, but pushed himself up to his knees and crawled to the river. Instead of drinking from his hands, he just stuck his face in the water. He drew back, coughing for a moment, but then he braced his hands on the bank and dunked his entire head under the stream, so far in that the collar of his jacket was soaked through. Liseli watched him in bemusement, but laughed out loud when he surfaced again and shook his hair out like a dog, sending little droplets of water flying in every direction. He coughed, and thumped his chest once, but when he looked over at her his eyes were clear, and he smiled. She noted, with surprise, that there was barely a trace of the sick haggard look he’d worn for the past two days. As he sat back on the ground and inhaled, he drew in a long clear breath.
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