by Carnal, MJ
“I know.” I rub my hands up and down his arms. “No one expects you to have any answers. Just be here for him. That’s all you can do.”
“Ok.” He just stares at me.
“Come on. Let’s shower and get something to eat. Then we can lock the world out for the rest of the night.”
I lead him into the bathroom and start the shower. Once the water is warm, I pull him in and lather up a wash cloth. He lets me wash him, watching my every move. He’s quiet and wide eyed. He says I saved him once. I want to do it again. I want to heal him. I want him to forget for a while.
He starts to harden under my touch. I take him into my mouth, circling the sensitive tip, swallowing when he hits the back of my throat. His hands shoot out and brace himself on the tile. Our eyes lock as I suck him, slowly, gently, taking all my cues from him. He takes control, moving in and out of my mouth. When he stops, I suck hard and moan. His knees nearly buckle.
He pulls me from the floor and lifts me. Wrapping my legs around him, he pins me against the shower wall. His lips find mine, our tongues dance. His taste is fresh on my tongue and pushes my desire up a notch. As he pushes into me, he watches my face. I get lost in his endless, blue eyes. His strokes are slow, passionate. He kisses me every few seconds.
“I love you, Mia. I love you so much.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I would be lost without you.”
His fingers find my clit and I come apart, my eyes never leaving his. He smiles knowing he’s the only one in the world that makes me feel this way. He’s my fairytale. He just redefines Prince Charming. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Chapter 19
We interrupt this tour to bring you a moment of silence to remember one of our own. – Liquid Regret
The morning of the funeral is rainy and cold. I used to love the fall in California when the sunny days turned breezy and the nights got colder. Today, it’s like even God is in mourning. Clouds cover the sky, the rain falling like tears against the sidewalk. Thunder rolls, echoing our anger at a life lost way too soon. The wind whips so hard, bringing with it the sting of loss.
My suit feels too tight. I pull at my tie to try to loosen the collar and let me breathe easier. Despite the cold, my hands are sweating. I’m praying the media is kind today. There’s no way to prevent the circus outside the funeral home. We all know that. But if I get one wish today, it’s that their words are filled with love for the beautiful person we all lost.
Harley is stoic. Oksana has been a rock for him and I appreciate that. I can actually see some good in her and it makes her much more tolerable. Max is quiet. He has been for the few days we’ve been home. Chance has handled this better than all of us. He’s been able to make the plans for not just today, but the days after that will inevitably lead us back out on tour. Joshua has stepped up and taken control of the media and what stories get told. The stories have mostly been positive and I’m thankful for that. Seeing Della’s image ruined in the media would push us all over the edge.
As we pull up to the funeral home, the mood is somber. The media is lined up for pictures but there’s sadness in the air. The stories and images that Joshua has provided them with have made Della look like the superhero she was.
Stepping from the limo, the flashbulbs go off. There are questions asked but we’re able to get Harley inside before much damage is done. Chance stays behind for questions while we head inside and get ready to say our final goodbyes.
“I can’t do this.” Harley’s voice cracks. “I don’t know how to fucking do this.”
My arm goes around him and he leans into me. I’ll be his rock. I can grieve later. He’s my family and there’s no one that needs me more than he does. “We’ll do it together.”
“She was everything. She was forever.” Tears fill his bloodshot eyes.
“I know, man.” I make sure he gets to the front row before I take the seat next to him. My arm rests on the back of his seat. I’m trying to wrap him in strength. Strength I don’t have. Strength I desperately need.
Oksana stops at the end of the row and looks at us. “Can I sit in between you?”
“Why don’t you sit on the other side of Harley?” Joshua whispers and points to the seat on his other side. Part of me questions it but the other is relieved I can stay near him, feeding off his love for Della. “Mia’s here and she wants to sit with you.”
Mia gives me a sad smile before taking the seat next to me. I know what a risk Josh is taking having us out in public like this. I’ll never be able to thank him for letting it go, just for today. Her fingers curl through mine and I’m instantly grounded. My heart slows, my shoulders relax. I notice Max sitting at the end of the row and he gives her a wink. I squeeze her hand, just making sure she’s real.
As the pastor takes his place at the front of the room, Harley crumples into me. Seeing him so broken is like getting the wind knocked out of me. I tighten my grip on his shoulder and let him use me to stay upright.
“Thank you for coming. Please be seated. My name is Scott Simpson. I’m the pastor of Liberty Hills Presbyterian Church. It’s with a heavy heart that I am in front of you today. Della Barron Miles meant the world to so many of us. Her heart was as big as any I’ve known. I had the honor of meeting Della a few years ago while she was doing volunteer work for the homeless shelter. Her enthusiasm was contagious. Her love for others was apparent in everything she did. She was a familiar face at Sunday service when she was in town. I was blessed to officiate her wedding when she married the love of her life. The love she had for Griffin was rare. Through everything, she smiled and had faith it would be alright. She was certainty your biggest cheerleader.”
Harley lets out a silent sob as the pastor goes on to tell the congregation about the journey of love she took by Griff’s side. He told stories that made us smile. He told stories that made my soul hurt. His favorite memory was one of her dancing in the rain with the rest of us when one of our outdoor shows got rained out. I’d forgotten about that day. Remembering her laugh, the reflection of love in her eyes every time she looked at one of us, makes the tears stream down my face. There’s no use in trying to prevent them. I’ve lost someone who was ripped from my life far too early.
When the pastor is finished, we all have a chance to tell stories. The mood is light and we’re smiling and laughing through the heartache. Chance is first and of course, he has us laughing about the time he hit on Della and didn’t realize she was Harley’s ‘old lady’. Josh tells us about meeting Della for the first time and how she refused to let him say no to a contract with us. I always wondered how it had been so easy to get the hottest name in the agency. Della was a pit-bull when it came to us. Hearing the story warms my heart. I send a silent prayer of thanks to her.
Max is next. His tall frame leans against the altar, bending into the microphone. “I didn’t find these guys. Della found me. I had left home and didn’t have anywhere to go. I was sitting in the park, a day a lot like today, hiding under an umbrella and scribbling in a notebook. I was writing a song and tapping out the rhythm on my jeans. She sat down next to me and took the book from my hands. Didn’t say a word. Just stole it. I think I just sat there with my mouth open. I couldn’t say anything. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. After she read some of it, she sang it back to me and let me hear it. She was this tiny person, soaking wet from the rain, just smiling at me. I knew I’d met someone special. She invited me back to the apartment she shared with Harley and Damien. We ate hotdogs, I think. Then she made us all play the song I had written.”
Max wipes his eyes and then smiles the most genuine smile I’ve ever seen from him. “I fell in love with her. I’m not sure you knew that, Griff.”
Harley laughs. “We both did.”
“It was an honor to love her. She was the most amazing person I’ve ever known. I’ve prayed for someone like her to come into my life. Now I pray that she watches over all of us and helps us find our way. I know we have an angel on our si
de, someone who won’t let us lose who we are and where we’re going.”
I stand on shaking legs and slowly walk to the microphone. The room is packed with familiar faces. Fans, friends from her work, family members we haven’t seen in years. She made a difference in the lives of every person in this room. I take a deep breath and allow myself to get lost in Mia’s eyes.
“I was in a really dark place when I met Della and Griff. They became my family the first night we met. They welcomed me into their life together like I was always meant to be there. It was the three of us against the world. Dell called us the tripod that held the weight of the world. She believed we could do anything together. I used to laugh at her but I think she was right. The last few days, it’s been really hard to keep things together with a piece of that tripod missing. Nothing seems balanced anymore. I look at Harley and I wonder how the hell I’ll hold things together for both of us.”
I wipe at my eyes and smile at Griff. He smiles back, love and heartbreak written all over his face. “Dell was the person I called when everything got really hard. If I had a problem I couldn’t solve or had the urge to throw away my sobriety, she would talk to me like a person. No blame. No disappointment. Just love. She’d tell me ‘D, the past doesn’t define you unless you let it.’ She was also the person I turned to when I couldn’t get rid of a woman after a night on tour. Oh shit. Sorry Pastor.” My eyes widen and I laugh.
Harley laughs from the front row and it makes me feel better. Joshua just shakes his head and smiles. Even Mia giggles. “She’d come in and act like a possessive girlfriend. Anything it took to get rid of them. That’s when I got to see crazy Della and trust me, she was a little scary. Then she’d smack me in the back of my head and yell at me. She was like a sister. A pain in my ass. She would sneak out at midnight and eat my leftovers. If I was saving something, it’s like she had radar and would always steal it. She used all my shampoo. She left shit everywhere in the bathroom. She stuck her nose in my business every second. She had an opinion on everything. She was perfect. I would do anything to take her place. I would give up everything to have her back. I’ve never lost anything as valuable as her. The pain is something I won’t ever forget. Della, if you can hear me, I promise you that I’ll take care of Griff. I promise that I’ll live my life in a way that will make you proud. I love you, Dell.”
When I sit back down, Harley hugs me. “Thank you. You meant everything to her too. She loved you, D.”
Mia takes my hand and brings it to her lips. She kisses my fingers and lets me fall into her a little more. I’m not sure I’ll survive this but if I do, it will be because of the beautiful redhead that has stolen my heart.
Chapter 20
Watching Damien pour his heart out about Della makes me fall even more in love with him. He’s raw and instead of shutting down, he’s wide open to the pain of losing her. Hearing Harley laugh eases my pain. I didn’t know Della long but I know she made an impact on me in that short period of time.
I hold onto Damien’s hand like a lifeline. I know he thinks I’m doing it to help him. But honestly, it’s for me. Being able to love him is what makes me whole. It’s what gives me strength. It’s what helps me find peace in this tragedy.
Harley makes his way to the front of the room. He’s stronger than I’ll ever be. He’s gathered strength from everyone in the room and used it to help him find the courage to share his feelings about Della. His bravery is what makes him who he is.
“Della would be happy to see so many people she loved in one room. I wish it could’ve been for a different reason. I’d give my life for hers if I could. Hers was a lot more valuable.” Harley takes a deep breath and stays quiet for a minute before continuing. “I’ve loved Della my whole life. I honestly don’t remember anything before her. I loved her the first second I saw her. I can’t imagine loving anyone else the way I do her. I know I never will again. She lived her life for everyone else. She dedicated every free second to making sure someone else was happy. I’d always sit back and watch her, just in awe of who she was. She could’ve been anything she wanted to be. She could’ve had anyone in the world. But she chose me. Me. With all my demons and all my flaws. She told me none of that mattered because her heart had found its other half. She never judged me. I tried so many times to get sober and every single time I failed, she just picked me up and helped me start over. Who does that? Who honestly gives someone so many chances and doesn’t walk away?”
My heart breaks as Harley starts to cry. His beautiful face is shadowed in agony, every tear representing a minute of time he won’t ever have with Della. He’s a completely broken man. A shell of who he was when we flew to Seattle. My heart breaks for him. My whole body hurts for him. I want to make everything better for him. I want him to know Della would be proud of how he’s handled the hardest time in his life. I want to do anything to help. I just don’t know what to do, what to say. Words will never be enough.
He gathers his composure. “I’m so mad that I wasn’t home to save you, baby. I can’t imagine a world where anyone would want to hurt you. I promised that I’d protect you and I didn’t. I was on the tour bus, laughing, writing music and you were taking your last breath. I don’t know how I’ll live my life without you. I don’t know how I’ll forgive myself enough to keep going. But I make a promise to you, in front of all the people we love, that I’ll find out who did this to you. I’ll never stop looking. They took the person that mattered more to me than anyone in the world. I may be standing here breathing but they took my life when they took yours. Things will never be the same. I will make sure they pay for what they did to you. What they did to all of us. I love you, Della.”
Harley walks to her casket and puts his hand on the top. His tears are silent. “To cherish and keep you, to be faithful and true, to love you and honor you, forsaking all others til death do us part. This isn’t goodbye, sweetheart. It’s just see you soon. It’s what you said every time I got on that bus. You will always be my wife. You will always have my heart. No matter where I go, you will be with me.”
Damien drops my hand and stands up. He walks to Harley and hugs him. He whispers to him before putting his hand next to Harley’s on the casket. Max and Chance are right behind him. They share a moment together, saying goodbye in the only way they know how.
Damien’s voice is quiet. “Dell loved country music. For her last birthday, she asked us to play a song by Rascal Flatts while we were onstage. She loved anything sad. We didn’t share her taste in music but when Della asked for something, you did it. Her favorite song was Here Comes Goodbye. I’m not sure I’ll get through this but I have to try.”
I want to hold him. I want to hold him so he knows he isn’t alone. Sitting here, watching the four most beautiful men in the world letting go of something so special is tearing me in two. Oksana is crying a few seats away. Her body shakes as she watches the men get ready to sing their goodbye to Della. She’s pale and her eyes are red. I move to sit next to her. She’s startled at first but takes my hand anyway. In another world, we may have been friends. She’s lost and Della was always able to see the best in her. It’s time for me to try too. Della fought for her. Now it’s my turn.
Chance plays the melody to Here Comes Goodbye. His fingers move like they are dancing over the strings. The song is haunting. I haven’t heard it before and listening to the words is tough. It’s a beautiful melody, full of heartbreak and loss. Damien’s voice is strong, even if he isn’t. Every time I hear him sing, I get swept away. Today is no different.
“I’m glad Damien has you.” Oksana’s voice is a whisper but it’s enough to pull me out of my Damien daydream.
“I’m glad he has you too.” I smile at her.
As the song finishes, Joshua and Lex join the men as they carry the casket to the waiting hearse. I hold onto Oksana as we are led out in front of the rest of the guests. Eyes lock on us, making me feel on edge. I can hear the shutters of cameras. I hear whispers and can only imagine what t
he media will say about us. Will I be the other woman? Will I be the supportive friend? It doesn’t matter to me now. The only thing on my mind is helping Damien and the rest of the band get through the burial and get back to Max’s house where we are safe and away from the spotlight.
Joshua takes my hand and leads me and Oksana to the second limo. Everything happens so fast that I don’t realize we’re even closed in the car until Oksana hands me a bottle of water.
“You get used to it. It’s hard to ignore it at first but pretty soon it’ll feel normal. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.” Oksana digs through her purse and pulls out a pill bottle. She swallows one and looks back at me. “Anxiety.”
I just nod. I know her story. I’ve heard it from Damien and again from Della. “It’s a hard day.”
“Someone that understands. Cheers.” She clinks her water bottle against mine. “I was so devastated when I got the news. I’d just gotten home from New York that night. I was sound asleep and there was a guard pounding on my door. Said Joshua had hired him to protect me and told me what happened to Della. I was terrified I could be next. How did you hear?”
“We found her.” I look out the window and try not to relive it. “Lex stayed with me until I got to Max’s house the next night.”
Oksana leans forward and whispers, “What do you think Lex was doing when she was getting stabbed? Do you really believe he didn’t hear anything?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk about it.” I’m not sure how I ended up in this limo with just Oksana and a bodyguard. “It’s a scene I’m having a hard time getting out of my head.”
“You poor thing. I can’t imagine seeing that. She was a good person. Do you think Harley will ever get over her? I think they need to take a closer look at Lex. He was the only one there. The only one that had access to her.”