by Carnal, MJ
I can tell he’s uncomfortable with this. His eyes are unreadable, but I can see it in the way he’s sitting. His posture looks stiff. His forearms are clutching the sides of his seat as if it’s the only thing from keeping him there. He frowns at me, silently asking me if I’m okay. That’s when I decide this is too much for me. I cannot allow myself to cry in front of them.
Clearing my throat, I step away from Shea’s arms. “I’ll think about it, okay?”
Sighing loudly, Shea pulls on the ends of his hair. “You’re not gonna go. I know you.”
“I’m sure they’ll perform somewhere else,” I counter.
“No, Bee, they won’t. Not everyone has the luxury of traveling to perform. You know that,” he insists.
I throw my head back with a groan. “I’ll let you know by tonight. I gotta go. I have things to take care of before I meet with this band today.”
Shea pulls me into a tight hug and lets go quickly. “You know you’re my girl, right?” he says.
“Shea, let’s get moving,” Nick booms, interrupting my reply.
I walk out of the studio and go upstairs with my heart in my throat, unsure of what to do. If Shea is insisting that I see the artists, it means they’re good. He knows how picky I am. And I want to get as much new talent as I can. I just don’t know if I’m willing to open old wounds in order to get them.
“I can’t just go,” I protest to Nina over drinks. I called her when I got out of my meeting with the band, who seemed very enthusiastic to meet with me and give me their demo. I promised them I would call them in a couple of days, and I tried to give them my full attention throughout our meal together, but my mind just wasn’t there. The only thing I’ve thought about all day is my conversation with Shea.
“I actually agree with you,” Nina says, picking at the shrimp appetizer we’re sharing. “What are you supposed to do? Stay on the bus?”
I shrug. “I don’t know—we didn’t talk specifics.”
Nina’s brown eyes go wide. “That’s the first thing you need to do. Set boundaries and shit.”
I let out a laugh at her “and shit” because those ugly little words hold so much promise in them. I know she’s right, though.
“He wants me to go to California with him,” I say under my breath, half hoping she doesn’t even hear me.
“Aha?” she probes.
I let out a breath and close my eyes. “He wants me to go to San Fran … specifically.”
Nina gasps and drops her fork. “Holy shit,” she breathes.
I open my eyes and nod. “Yep.”
“Damn … you want me to go with you?” she asks.
Exhaling, I shake my head. “Thanks. I can do it. I just have to mentally prepare myself. But I can do it.”
She nods, giving me a small smile as she leans in to hold my hand. “You’re so strong, Bee. Much stronger than the girl who last went there. You’ll be fine.”
I continue to nod and swallow the lump in my throat. “I know.”
Throughout our meal I send Hendrix’s driver, Marcus, a text message letting him know to pick me up soon. Nina insists that she’s going to accompany me to Harmon so she can be there when I tell Shea my decision to go. I roll my eyes at her and tell her she’s stupid, but I’m too curious to see how this is going to play out to stop her.
When we finish eating, I text message Shea to make sure he’s still recording and when he doesn’t respond, I take it as a yes.
“This should be fun,” Nina comments with a smile on our drive over.
I laugh. “You’re so bad. I can practically see the bitchy schemes going on inside your head.”
Nina nods, twisting her lip. “Hell yeah. I haven’t seen that fucker in six months.”
I shake my head and bite down on my smiling lip. “I wonder what will happen with the album ... I guess he’ll have to record on the road. That royally sucks. It’s not like they can finish in a week.”
Nina purses her lip again. “You’re royally fucked,” she throws at me. “You’re going on the road with Shea AND his hot ass producer? What do you think Shea would say if you hooked up with him?”
I shrug. “Who knows? He’ll probably act like he cares until he finds another floozy.”
She sniggers. “Floozy. Mom calls me that sometimes.”
“With good reason,” I mutter.
She slaps me on the arm. “You’re such an asshole.”
I shrug in response.
“Turn around,” she says suddenly. “I wanna fix your hair. It’s a complete mess.”
I turn and close my eyes as she massages my scalp and uncoils my curls from one another.
“You have the prettiest hair, Bee,” she muses, twirling my hair around her fingers.
“Thanks. I could totally fall asleep right now,” I mumble drowsily.
“Well, we’re here.”
“Of course we are,” I groan. I have one good thing happen to me today and it’s cut short.
When I see the elevator shutting, I shout for them to hold it, knowing what a pain it is to wait for one. I don’t factor in the time, and am a little embarrassed when we’re only greeted by two guys, both known rappers, going up to the studios. They laugh and joke about my screaming for a second before they start trying to flirt with us.
“Well, if you’re into plays you can go see mine,” Nina suggests as we step out.
“Is it another naked play?” I ask with a laugh, laughing harder when a blush begins to creep up on her face.
Nina rolls her eyes exaggeratedly. “I wasn’t naked, dammit!”
The guys are very much into the conversation now that they’ve heard the word naked. They continue to sweet talk all the way to the tenth door, which is where I stop.
“Oh you’re here to see Shea?” Cam asks, detangling one of his long flashy chains from the other.
“Yep,” I respond. “Well, it was good meeting you guys,” I say, holding the doorknob.
“Oh, it’s like that?” Cam asks, moving closer to me now.
His dark eyes move down my body and stay glued to my butt and I let out an annoyed breath. It’s such a wondrous thing, the mind of a man. They don’t care what your body language is saying because the only thing they take the time to actually look at is your body, not the way it’s turning them down. They see tits and ass and they’re blind. Not that I have tits, but my ass makes up for that … or so I’ve been told by the perverted men that are awed by it.
“What’s it supposed to be like?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
Nina is still yapping her mouth off to the other guy about her naked and non-naked plays. I swear the girl doesn’t know how to shut the hell up. Once she starts talking about herself, it’s over. The doorknob turns from inside and I stumble back slightly into a hard body.
“Yeah, it’s like that, motherfucker,” Nick booms behind me, making my eyes widen at his tone, which has a different effect on Cam, seeing his eyes light up like he’s seeing Santa Claus.
“Holy shit! Dame, did you know Shadow was up in this bitch?” he says excitedly. Both guys completely forget about Nina and me and have a freaking fan-guy moment over Nick “Shadow” Wilde.
Nina shoots me a confused look like she doesn’t understand how talking to Nick could possibly be more exciting than listening to her talk about herself. I smile and reach for her arm, pulling her in behind me.
“When will you be done with the one with the fine ass? I know how fast you get bored, boss,” Cam says to Nick. I stop walking toward the booth and turn around to look at Nick and listen to his answer. I don’t care what he tells him, it doesn’t matter to me either way, but I’m curious to see what he’ll say.
Nick’s blue eyes bore into mine as he answers. “I haven’t even gotten started with that one.” My heart, which is clearly at odds with my thoughts, does an unwanted skip.
Cam and Dame laugh and throw some “Ooohs” in there, slapping each other like it’s the funniest thing they’ve heard. A part of me want
s to be upset at their little talk, but I’ve been around this kind of thing too long to let it bother me.
“Well, sweetheart, you call me when you need a shoulder,” Cam says, addressing me now.
“Not gonna happen,” I snap. I don’t even want to turn around because I don’t want him looking at my ass again. Nina’s busy on her phone so she’s not even paying attention anymore, and I want to strangle her for always abandoning ship when it’s fucking sinking.
“All right, guys, I’ll see you later,” Nick says, closing the door.
“Remember, offer stands,” Cam calls out.
“Give it a rest, Cam,” Nick says, the threat in his voice unmistakable. “The only person she’s calling is me.” He closes the door, putting an end to the debacle, and I can still see the guys laughing and bumping fists as they walk off.
“Guys are such fucking pigs,” I mutter.
Nick lets out a laugh. “Yeah, they are. Maybe the next one you choose will be a man, not a guy,” he says, emphasizing the words slowly.
I narrow my eyes. “And let me guess … you know just the right person?”
He shrugs. “I have two brothers. I’m sure one of them is your type.”
I try really, really hard to not look surprised at his words, but my mouth drops open on its own accord.
“Oh, that’s it,” Nina chimes in from the couch, finally putting her phone away. “You two are meant for each other.”
Nick laughs his carefree boyish laugh, and even though I feel like an idiot, I find myself laughing along with him because his laughter is contagious. His entire demeanor changes and his eyes light up in such a way that they remind me of the sun reflecting the beach on a sunny day, it’s spellbinding.
“What’s up? BK! Nina-licious,” Shea greets us excitedly, causing me to tear my eyes away from Nick’s and walk over to him, rolling my eyes at his nickname for my cousin.
“Hey,” I say, giving him a half hug.
Nina walks up to us and greets Shea with the same half hug before letting go and looking at him for a moment. “You’re smoking again?” she snaps, then looks at me pissed off. “Nope. You’re not going.”
I laugh. “What are you, my mother?” I ask.
“Your mother,” Nina scoffs with an eye roll. “Please.”
“Touché,” I mutter.
“I would never let her touch that shit, Nina!” Shea says loudly.
“Yeah, just like you would never-”
“Both of you, shut up! I am an adult!” I scream, stopping her from finishing the rant she’s about to go on. “Jesus. What is wrong with you people?” I say, shaking my head. I’m interrupted by my ringing phone, which I take out and look at, frowning when I see my dad’s number on my screen. “I’ll be back, gotta take this.”
I sprint outside and shut the door behind me and answer the phone. “Hey, Dad.”
“It’s about goddamn time you answer your phone!” he huffs.
Here we go. I exhale, hating the way my stomach drops when he reprimands me. “This is the first call I’ve gotten from you.”
“Well, this is the third time I’ve called. What are you doing? Did you meet with the band? Did you hear the demos I sent yesterday? Are you scheduled with anyone else this week? What happened at that bar on Saturday?” He spits out question after question not even pausing to give me enough time to answer him. I know from the sound of his voice that he’s exhausted and has been pissed off ten ways to Sunday today, so I tread carefully and wait until I know he’s finished.
“How was your day?” I ask. “How have you been for the past two weeks? How are you settling in? Are you getting along with your brother?” I say, not letting my voice sound as pissed off as I am. I’m more upset at the saddening realization that my parents just do not give a shit about me, but rather than start crying over it, I’ve learned to accept it. Accepting it doesn’t loosen the grip on my throat, though.
He exhales loudly. “How’s everything, Brooklyn?” he mutters, completely uninterested.
“I did meet with the band. I liked them, but not enough. You would hate them. I heard the demos—there were three that stood out. I’m already on those. I’ll have meetings set up by tomorrow afternoon. The bar band was fine, nothing outrageous.” Tears prick my eyes as I talk and I continue swallowing them down, speaking slowly so the dam doesn’t burst while I’m on the phone.
“Good. Good. At least some people around here are reliable. All right, baby girl, I’ll talk to you soon,” he says, cooing the last part, I’m sure for my benefit.
“Okay,” I respond quietly, blinking rapidly. “How’s Mom?” I ask, wishing I didn’t care.
“She’s fine. Spoke to her last night. She should be getting back at the end of the week so I’m sure you’ll hear from her then,” he says. “I gotta go.”
He hangs up and because our conversation was two minutes worth of nothing personal, I feel empty. Shoving the phone in the back pocket of my jeans, I walk to the window on the other side of the elevator. I place my fingertips on it and look at the darkening sky over me, taking deep breaths to keep my emotions at bay.
“Everything okay?” Nick asks, behind me.
I nod, still looking outside, not daring to turn around and face him. I can’t let him see the hurt look I know I have on my face.
“Fine,” I reply, my voice steady. “Why’d you come out here?”
He scoffs. “I wasn’t going to stand around and listen to more of that bickering. Jesus. Your cousin acts like a ninety-year-old cat lady with no friends.”
Laughter sputters out of my lips and I finally bring myself to turn around. His face is downcast, but he brings his eyes up to me and gives me a small smile that tells me the joke was for my benefit, though I have no doubt that Nina yapping away.
“She kind of is like that, huh?” I say, taking one last deep breath.
Nick nods and exhales. “So you’re going?”
I look down the hallway and back at him with questioning eyes.
“No, I mean on tour,” he clarifies.
Down casting my eyes from his, I twirl the ends of my hair, shifting my feet. “It’s only for a couple of days here and there,” I say nonchalantly.
“You realize he’s still into you, right?” Nick says.
I bring my gaze back to his probing eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”
He raises an eyebrow and leans against the wall behind him, swinging one ankle on top of the other and crossing his arms. “No?”
I shake my head slowly, trying to figure out why I feel like I need to explain myself to him. “We dated, if you can even call it that, a while ago. A whiiiile ago,” I say. Nick nods for me to continue. “When we were teenagers. Like I said, long time ago. Over the years he’s always been my constant.”
“Your booty call,” Nick says.
I cringe, hating how that sounds coming out of his mouth for some reason. “Exactly.”
“And you ended things? Or he did?” he asks.
“I did,” I say. “Why are you so interested in this, anyway?”
Nick laughs lightly. “For the same reason that you’re entertaining my questions.”
I frown, thinking about that and look at him, not understanding what that means.
He shakes his head slowly, pushing himself off of the wall and strides towards me. I just stand here, watching the way he moves. He’s so graceful. I don’t understand how such a tall, defined body can move that gracefully, as if he’s practiced the walk countless times. Maybe he used to model underwear or something. It’s a dumb thought, but it’s the only one that comes to mind. He stops when he’s standing so close to me that I have to crane my head to look at him. His blue eyes are heated, burning into mine and making my breath hitch.
“Oh shit, sorry,” Nina says.
I slump my shoulders and Nick shakes his head with a low chuckle. I start walking back toward the studio, my heart still beating wildly at the possibilities of what might’ve happened if we hadn’t been inte
rrupted.
“Fifty cats,” he says quietly behind me, making me laugh.
When we all walk back into the studio, Nina and Shea are getting along again, but from the look on Shea’s face I know Nina laid it down for him. He looks pissed off at me and I’m wondering what the hell she’s told him. It can’t be that bad. I mean, what have I told her? Holy shit, did she tell him about Nick? Not that there’s anything to tell. Damn it, why does this guy make me feel like a child with my hand in the cookie jar?
“What?” I ask Shea.
“Nothing. Nina pisses me the fuck off like no other. She thinks you need a fucking mother to fill in for the sorry ass one you have. She apparently doesn’t realize that you’ve done well all by yourself,” he spits, shooting daggers at Nina.
She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. I just don’t want her to be around drugs. Big fucking deal.”
“Don’t worry, Shea will have Gia to keep him busy,” I say, smiling at Shea, who looks even madder that I brought her up. “Oh, what? You got bored of her too?”
Shea narrows his eyes at me. “I never got bored of you!”
My eyes widen at his outburst. I look over my shoulder but see that Nick has earphones on and is playing with knobs so he can’t hear us.
“Shhh!” I reprimand.
“Oh, this is rich. You have a thing for Shadow?” Shea asks with a laugh. “This gets better by the second.”
“I don’t have a thing for anybody, Shea. I’m going to check out the stupid people you want me to check out and then I’m done.”
Shea shrugs. “Whatever. Are we done? We’re wasting precious recording time here.”
Nina and I both nod. Nina gets up and slaps the back of his head before giving him a kiss and walks up to Nick to say goodbye. I follow behind but don’t even say goodbye to Shea, I’m that mad at his pissy attitude with me. He’s telling me he’s doing me a favor by introducing me to the acts he wants me to see, but I’m doing him the favor by going.