by Carnal, MJ
Deep down I understand why he did it and I think that bothers me more. He’s been there for me to see me through things I didn’t think I could survive, and he wants it to stay that way. He doesn’t know how to accept that I can’t wait until he decides that he can give me what I need, and what’s worse is that I don’t want him anymore. I don’t want him to fill the void I thought I needed him to fill all those years ago. I want to be happy in my life the way I see fit, but I want Shea to be part of it. I’m scared to let go of him because he’s the only thing I have left of my old self, and I’m not willing to let that girl go completely. No matter how tortured she was, she’s still part of me.
The drive back to the hotel is quiet. Nick doesn’t say a word to me; he just runs his fingers through my hair and down my back soothingly with his lips pressed against my forehead. I’m grateful for the peace he gives me when he’s near. More than anything, I’m thankful that he doesn’t question me or act like he’s angry with me for being hurt. That’s what Shea would do: get angry with me for letting other people’s actions get to me. When we pull up to the front of the hotel, Nick shifts me to the seat and hops out of the SUV before helping me out, holding my hand all the way up to our room.
Stepping in, I let out a shaky breath and close my eyes.
“I can’t believe he did that,” I whisper at nobody in particular. Nick, who’s standing behind me, lets out a breath of his own.
“I can,” he says.
I nod, blinking my eyes rapidly, the tears now leaking from my eyes. I walk toward the bathroom so that I can get myself together, and thankfully Nick gives me space. When I come back out, feeling much better and composed, he’s sitting on the couch with earphones on, working on Shea’s music, I’m sure. Nick takes off the earphones when he sees me and lays the computer down on the table in front of him, standing up and striding over to me with a sympathetic look in his eyes. I’ve heard Nina say in the past that she hates when people look at her with sympathy when she’s down, but as Nick walks toward me, I can’t imagine why. I’ve never had anyone look at me like this. People usually kick me when I’m already down, either expecting me to get right back up or not caring if I walk at all.
Nick cups my face in his hands, his thumbs caressing my cheeks softly as he looks at me with the most caring expression on his face. I have to swallow hard to dislodge the lump forming in my throat. His eyes question me, asking if I’m okay. I nod, beginning to feel overwhelmed with emotion. Before I get a chance to blink my tears away again, his lips are desperately moving against mine. I can’t tell who’s taking and who’s giving as our tongues twirl around the other in harmony. The way he kisses me, like he needs me more than he wants me, takes my breath away every time. He runs his hands down my body, palming my butt before lifting me up and circling my legs around his waist. His mouth leaves mine and trails down my neck, kissing and sucking as I grab on to his shoulders and throw my head back, letting him bathe me with his lips.
He backs away suddenly and looks at me, pinning me with his gaze.
“I don’t want to share you, Brooklyn,” he says, his voice strained with desire.
“I’m not yours to share,” I whisper, telling him the same thing I told him on the airplane, which betrays the way my heart feels in this moment, but I want to hear him disagree with me. I need him to.
He weaves his hands into my hair, threading them together at the back of my head and places a kiss between my jaw and my ear. “I want you to be mine. Only mine,” he says, his voice as soft as his dizzying kisses.
“Why? Why me?” I ask quietly. Nobody has ever cared if I belonged to them; in fact, I think they preferred that I didn’t. Nick can have Stephanie or the slutty redhead or even Gia for that matter, so I need to know what makes me different to him. I need to know that I’m not just some conquest that he’ll leave high and dry.
His lips freeze over my chin and he pulls away to look at me, his face confused when he does. “Because I think if I ever see another man touching you and dancing with you the way Shea was, I will cut his arms off. Because I need to know you won’t go back to him just because he sang you a little song out of jealousy. Because the thought of you kissing anybody else the way you kiss me is enough to drive me crazy. Because I want to be the one that owns this,” he says, placing his hand over my heart. “And this.” He brushes his fingers over my lips. “And this.” He trails the tips of his fingers over my head, making me smile. “And this,” he says, placing soft kisses over my neck and down to my chest. “And this,” he says, cupping me between my legs before dropping his hand and looking at me again. “And most of all, because I’m selfish and I don’t want you to make anybody feel the way you make me feel. Because I want those big green eyes to only light up when you look at me. Because. I. Need. You.” He says the last four words slowly, letting them sink in as my breath leaves me. What is it about need that makes us want to step up to the challenge?
“What about you?” I ask breathily, even though I’m sold.
“What about me?” he counters, raising an eyebrow.
“What if I don’t want to share you?” I ask quietly, realizing how much I don’t want to and how that’s never been an option in my past “relationships”.
Nick smiles, a slow caring smile that makes my insides curl. “I don’t want to be shared,” he says, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing the tips of my fingers. “I want to be yours.”
“Okay,” I whisper as my heart thunders against my chest, standing up so that I can place my lips chastely on his.
“Okay?” he asks, searching my eyes once more before he walks us to the bedroom and leans into the bed, placing me on the edge and peeling off my shirt as he stands upright. He undresses me, quickly pulling off my boots, socks and jeans in fluid movements, as if he can’t have me naked soon enough. I begin to unbuckle his belt, but he steps away and undresses himself as well, tossing everything into the heap of clothing in the corner of the room. My breath accelerates as I lay back on my elbows, admiring his naked form and wanting to run my fingers through every ripple on his chest, but the way Nick is looking at me with his jaw set and his eyes blazing don’t let me move from the bed. He plants his knee in between my legs and moves me up on the bed, placing me at the center of it while he kisses me deeply and palms my breasts with his large hands. A groan of complaint escapes my lips when his hands leave my chest. He places one on the bed beside me while the other grasps my hip, squeezing it slightly before he moves it to my ass, grabbing it harder and pulling it from the bed.
He breaks our kiss, both of us panting, and looks at me. His eyes are narrowed and full of desire. “I can’t, Brooklyn,” he says, his voice raspy. “I can’t share you.”
I shake my head, my lips parting slightly. “No,” I moan out when he presses against me.
“Say it,” he growls as he positions his cock in between my folds. “Say it,” he repeats, circling his hips so that I feel him so close, yet so far.
“You’re not sharing me,” I whimper, arching my back hoping to push him in, but his grip tightens on my ass so that I don’t try it.
He lowers his head to mine and licks the seam of my lips. I tighten my hold around his neck, tears threatening to fall over my face because of the amount of need I feel for him. I’ve never felt this kind of indescribable desire for somebody, the kind that makes my heart feel like it’s about to completely combust if he doesn’t take me right this second.
“Tell me you’re mine, baby. Tell me,” he says in a guttural voice, positioning himself closer, his tip inside me making me quiver around him as I toss my head back in a moan.
“Please,” I whisper. “Please, please, please.” I plant my heels on the bed behind him and swing my body to his, but he backs away, taking himself out completely. I screw my eyes shut and bite down on my lip so that I don’t bring myself to beg him again, but then he lowers his head and closes his mouth around my nipple, flicking in a tantalizing pace as he thrusts into me just enough that
he’s at my lips but not inside of me.
“Give me what I want and I’ll give you everything,” he says, his voice husky and low.
My eyes flutter open and I look at him wide-eyed. “You already have what you want,” I say breathily.
Nick shakes his head, a slow grin spreading over his face, his eyes twinkling despite the obvious need in them. He bites down on his lower lip and moans deeply when I move again, closer to him, letting him feel how wet I am.
“I know I do. I wanna hear you say it,” he responds, dipping his head and taking my lips in his and kissing me slowly. “Tell me you’re mine,” he says, his voice a strained whisper. “Tell me that this-,” he says, fully sliding his cock into me, the fullness it provides making my legs shake uncontrollably. “Is mine,” he says as he thrusts deeply in and out before pulling out again and leaving me empty. I can’t take it anymore. I begin to cry.
“Please,” I whimper. “Please, Nick. I’m yours!” I say, my voice trembling.
He lets go of my ass and places both of his hands beside my head, hovering over me, his ocean eyes searching mine before he finally gives in, bringing his mouth down to mine at the same moment that his cock fills me. His thrusts are rigorous and I feel my insides burn as he brings me to the brink within seconds, clenching around him and crying out as my climax washes over me.
“That’s right, baby,” he whispers, his breath hot against my ear. “Mine.”
He grabs my bottom again and positions me off of the bed as he continues to wildly drive into me, groaning with each thrust. I scratch his back, begging him for more, and he moves faster, deeper, harder, crying out my name as he spills pieces of himself inside of me.
***
The feel of feather light kisses over my shoulder awake me and I smile knowing whose lips are placing them there.
“Good morning, beautiful,” Nick murmurs against my skin.
“Good morning,” I respond, my voice raspy with sleep.
“Do you want to do something fun and touristy today?” he asks.
Turning my body to face him, I hook my leg around his hip and look up at him, smiling. It should be illegal for somebody to look this good when they first wake up in the morning. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and breathe him in. He even smells fresh, despite how sweaty we got last night. He chuckles when I snuggle my face deeper against him, and I smile at the sound of it.
“You even laugh sexy,” I comment, my voice sounding muffled against his neck.
He runs his fingers along the curve of my body, slowly downward and back up, repeating the movement languidly. “Is that a yes, Nick, I’ll do touristy things with you? A no way, Nick, I just want to stay here and let you fuck me senseless all day. Or a yes, Nick, I’ll do anything you want me to,” he says, his hand traveling down the valley of my waist and parting my legs. He glides his fingers between my thighs and begins to tease me, making me moan. “Hmmm … I think I’ll take that as a ‘yes, Nick, I’ll do anything you want me to’ then,” he mutters.
There’s a question in his voice that makes me swallow and nod slightly.
“Should I do anything I want with you?” he teases, inserting his fingers inside me and pulling them out, repeating the action slowly and making me bite down on my lip. My eyes flutter open when he stops suddenly, and I find his face hovering over mine, his eyes blazing. “Should I?” he asks, repeating his previous question.
“Yes, please,” I breathe, my body bowing off of the bed at the feel of his fingers back inside of me as his lips tease my nipples.
After Nick makes good on his word, we shower together and get dressed. He keeps telling me we should do touristy things, but I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t really want to go on the Alcatraz Tour. As much as I’ve wanted to do that I don’t think I’m ready for it. If I’m going to do it with anybody, I definitely want it to be with Nick, though.
“Let’s take a cable car,” he suggests, so we do. I’ve actually been on them before, so it’s not a new experience, but it feels brand new being on one with Nick. We hold onto the bars and make out as he hangs from it as if he’s going to let go and fall into the street. We go up to the Coit Tower and get a view of the city from the top of it, which is spectacular. And then go grocery shopping when Nick suggests a picnic in Golden Gate Park. It’s nothing major, the picnic. We get sandwiches and wine and sit outside, enjoying the sun and nice breeze outside.
“We could’ve gone to a good seafood restaurant,” Nick says, lying back on the cheap striped towel we bought in the pharmacy on our walk over.
As I take the last sip of my wine, I tilt my head to look at him, my eyes wide with shock. “Are you kidding? This is the most fun I’ve had …” I frown, thinking about the answer to that, even though there’s not much to think about. This is the most fun I’ve had—ever.
Nick smiles sheepishly, grabbing my arm and pulling me down to lay with him. “I didn’t think you usually do things like this,” he says, his lips on my forehead as he tugs on the ends of my hair lightly.
“I don’t,” I respond, closing my eyes to bask in this feeling of satisfaction. I’ve never felt this content with anybody in my life, other than Ryan, and even that was different.
“Have any of your boyfriends ever taken you on a picnic?” Nick asks, even though I pretty much just said I’ve never done this.
I scoff. “You’re joking, right?” I ask. Shifting my body to look at his face, I place my palm on his chest and lean up.
“Is this your first picnic?” he asks, his eyes twinkling with contentment.
I twist my lips, trying not to smile. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?” he asks playfully, sitting up to tickle me. I squirm away from him, laughing.
“It is,” I say, laughing and blocking his hands from my ribs.
“Hmm,” he comments, his body covering mine. His arms are on either side of my head now and he’s looking down on me with those intense eyes.
“Sea foam green,” I blurt out quietly.
He frowns.
“Your eyes, they’re sea foam green today,” I explain.
Nick shakes his head with a chuckle and dips his mouth to mine, running his tongue along the seam of my lips for me to part, and I do, welcoming him. He breaks the kiss but continues sucking alongside my mouth and lips, making me feel like my heart is going to detonate in my chest at any moment.
“You’re so adorable,” he says, smiling when he’s finished devouring my mouth. He lies back down beside me, propping his head on his hand. “So no boyfriend picnics, that’s good. I’m glad I can give you something you’ve never had with anyone before. Especially here.”
I smile, grateful he knows how much it means to me to make nice memories in a city that’s felt haunted for me. “Thank you,” I say, leaning in to kiss his bicep where he has his Wilde tattoo scripted. I want to tell him he’s given me a lot of things I’ve never had before already, but I lean into him with a smile instead.
Nick stands and helps me up and we start picking up the things we brought. He puts his arm around my shoulder and holds my hand there. The way he always holds my hands makes me smile, as if he doesn’t want me to get away from him or he can’t get enough of touching me. I love it.
I’m pointing at the Coit Tower, telling him how different it looks from down here and frown when he doesn’t answer me. When I look over at him, he’s staring at my lips as if he hasn’t heard a word I’ve said. I’m about to reprimand him for not paying attention, but he cups his hand behind my neck and pulls my mouth to his, kissing me until I can’t see straight. All I can think about is how fast my heart is beating and how my stomach feels like I have exploding pop rocks in it. The way he makes me feel scares me. The way I think I would feel without him scares me more.
“How old did you say Melody was?” Nick asks when I stop in front of an American Girl store.
“Four,” I say, smiling proudly.
He smiles back. “That’s a cute age.”
“It is.”
“My friend has a son that’s five, he’s cute. I don’t see him often but when I do it’s always a fun time,” he says.
“When was the last time you saw him?”
Nick shrugs. “Couple of months ago when I went to his birthday party.”
“Cute,” I say with a smile, trying to picture Nick at a kids’ birthday party.
“What was the theme?”
“Pirates,” he says, his eyes twinkling as he looks down toward my feet.
I laugh and fish through my purse until I find one of the coins Melody gave me. I take one out proudly to show him, as if it was a lost treasure that I found. He frowns and laughs when he realizes what it is.
“Those were at the party,” he says.
“Of course they were,” I say, matter of fact. “Golden Doubloons. You can’t have a pirate party without them.”
Nick drops my hand and turns his body to mine and I mimic his movement.
“What?” I ask curiously.
“Do you want kids?” he asks.
I raise an eyebrow. “Isn’t it a little too soon for you to ask me that?” I joke.
Nick raises an eyebrow back at me as he walks forward, moving me until my back is on the glass of the store. “You think so?” he asks, his voice low as his eyes flicker between my eyes and my lips, effectively making my stomach coil. When he does that I just want to pull him to me and beg him to kiss me.
I nod my head slowly, breathing heavily now. “Yes,” I whisper.
“Let’s go over the things you think it’s too soon to talk about then,” he suggests, his mouth dangerously close to mine. “Kids?” I nod. “Moving in together?” I nod. “Marriage?” My stomach flops in excitement when he says that, and I nod. A smile tugs his lips. “Hmm … so I assume you’re on the pill,” he says, making me frown and my eyes widen in realization.