by Carnal, MJ
“Babe.” She wraps her arms around me and envelopes me in a huge hug. “Wow,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Yeah, wow,” I say quietly with a small smile.
“You’re okay with this?”
“I’m actually more than okay with it amazingly.”
“Have you told him?”
“No.”
“What?” she says a bit too loudly, drawing attention from people sitting around us.
“I couldn’t. Not yet anyway.”
“He’ll be over the moon, you know that. He’ll be with you 100%.”
“I don’t want him to be with me just because I’m carrying his child. I want to be with him for me. The baby is just an awesome bonus.”
“He already wants to be with you. You’re the one dragging your feet.”
“That’s what I want to change, but I don’t know how. And what if I lose this baby too? It would break his heart all over again. I can’t do that. I’ve hurt him enough.”
“So what? You’re going to wait until you give birth and turn up on his doorstep saying ‘surprise!’,” she adds, sounding annoyed.
“No. I just want to wait until I’m past the first twelve weeks, when I know that I’m actually going to be a mom and not another miscarriage statistic.”
“Mac, babe. That’s unfair,” she says straight away.
“No, it’s protecting myself, and Daniel. But you know what I’ve been doing the past few weeks. I’ve been sorting my life out, trying to grow the fuck up. It’s been a long time coming. I want to be worthy of him. I want to be in the right head space so that I’m not tempted to run again.”
“You think you can run away from him again? You think he’d even give you that chance?”
“I wanted to change for him. I needed to change. My vow was rash, and I’ve been holding onto it like a crutch to protect my heart.”
“Daniel won’t hurt your heart. If anything, you’re the one who’s been hurting yourself, and him.”
“I know, but it’s time to let it go and take a chance. This baby is my chance, Kate. I believe that more than you know.”
“Well, I’m gonna be there for you every step of the way. You know that, right?”
“I was counting on it,” I say with a smile. “Aunty Kate has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?”
“Hell yeah, it does. I’m gonna be the cool aunty. The one who paints her nails and takes her clothes shopping. The one who takes her out for spa days and mommy free time. I’m gonna rock this Aunty gig.”
“Her?”
“Of course!” she says with a cheeky grin.
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing by waiting to tell him?”
“No, I think he has the right to know now. But it’s not my life, babe, it’s yours. Though, if I see that you’re fucking this whole thing up and that you’re going to lose him by not stepping up, I will call you out on it. You can bet your lily white ass on that.”
“I’d expect nothing less.” I smile over at her before hugging her again. With Kate by my side, I feel like I can conquer anything. That is the beauty of having a best friend. They’ll walk over hot coals with you, they’ll tell you when you’re being dumb, and they bail you out of trouble, unless they’re sitting right beside you in the cell.
“You wanna go back home tomorrow and face the music?” she asks, finishing up her coffee.
“I think I should. I’m still not telling him yet, but I need to start living my life. No more excuses, no holding back, no crutches. It’s you, me, and baby makes three. “
“Yep it is, but fingers crossed it will be the four of us in this together. I have a good feeling about this, Mac. I always have.”
***
Kate and I headed back to Chicago the next day. My morning sickness was still hitting me hard, but with the tried and true combination of saltine crackers and ginger ale before I got out of bed in the morning, it was lot more bearable.
It’s been a few weeks since I found out about my little superhero, and every day I wake up without blood in my panties is a good day. As each day has passed, I’ve been feeling more and more confident that this is my time. My turn. This baby is meant to stick.
Daniel has been texting and calling me off and on, but I’ve been ignoring him. I know, I’m a coward. I should have ran over there and told him as soon as I got back in town, but why set myself up for disappointment? I feel like I’ve taken a good step forward in getting myself ready for him. There are no loose ends now. Sean, Noah, and Zander know that I’m moving forward with my life and that the impossible has happened.
Makenna Lewis has fallen in love with a man.
But now, being a gutless wonder, I’m hiding away from that very same man until I know for sure that we will be having a baby together. Our first child, a little caramel-eyed boy, or maybe a brown haired blue eyed girl like me. My heart aches on a daily basis too. I miss him like I miss my next breath. I never thought I’d feel like this.
I thought I loved Beau, but my feelings for him pale in comparison to what I feel for Daniel. I want to be strong for him. I want a lifetime of spooning and forking, lazy Sunday mornings in bed, Bears’ games and tailgating, ferris wheel rides and walks by the lake. I want all of that with him, but I can’t tell him any of this until I’m past the first trimester.
One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’ve been through that pain, and I would never willingly inflict that on anyone. Especially him.
So I’m waiting.
I know Kate doesn’t understand. She’s actually pissed off at me for not telling him. She says he deserves to know and that my reasoning is stupid.
“He wants you now, baby or no baby, Mac. Why the hell would he not want you now that you’re carrying his child? A child you created the night he told you he loved you. It’s not going to change the way he feels about you. He’ll want you even more. Christ, Mac, stop being a fucking martyr,” she said last night before going to bed and shutting her door.
Her heart’s in the right place, and deep down I know she’s probably right, but I’m sticking to my guns. Three more weeks to go and I will tell him. I’ve even circled the date in the calendar.
It’s another Friday night after a long and tiring week at work, so I’m sitting at home in my Bears’ jersey and my comfy pajama pants with my fuzzy pink pig slippers on my feet, and a bar of chocolate within my reach. I’m just about to get up and start on my second tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey for the night, when I hear a loud and fast knock at the door.
I look up to check the time on the microwave, and realize that it’s only 9 p.m. and way too early for Kate to be back from her first date with Nathan, a personal trainer that she met at the gym who asked her out. The only reason she’d be home this early would be if it had been a bust. I check my phone for the expected SOS text from her, our secret code for when she needs saving with a fake ‘come home urgently’ phone call, but it’s not there.
There is a loud knock at the door again, and I groan as I pull myself off the couch and barrel my way over to the door.
“You should really stop forgetting your keys, Kate. If you weren’t a redhead already, I’d seriously swear you were blonde…”
I lose all my train of thought the moment I open the door.
It’s not Kate. It’s Daniel. Dreamy, gorgeous, and totally edible Daniel. Shit!
“Hi,” I say cautiously. He is rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, the thing he only does when he’s nervous or angry.
We stand there just staring at each other in my doorway, in the middle of winter, not saying a word. I shiver, snapping out of my haze when I realize that we’re still standing out in the cold.
I look up at him, still in shock that he’s standing in front of me, in the flesh. “Ah, you wanna come in?” I ask.
“Kind of the whole point of coming over to see you, Mac,” he replies deadpan. He looks tense and rigid. Not a good sign.
Moving out of the doorway, I gestu
re for him to come in. “After you.”
“Thanks,” he replies, his voice sounding harder than normal. He sounds pissed off, actually. This is so not the Daniel Winters I know. Where has the confident, sometimes cocky, ex-lover slash boyfriend gone? Hell, right now his new name is baby daddy and he hasn’t got a clue.
We walk back into the living room and I dump myself back into my sunken couch, grabbing a cushion and cuddling it into my chest. I’m trying to act nonchalant, but I doubt very much that I’m pulling it off. Inside my whole body is screaming, wanting me to tell him that I’m about to change his life as he knows it, and to plead with him to take me back; to apologize for everything I’ve ever done to hurt him because it is the last thing I ever want to do. The Angel Mac on my shoulder is clapping her hands in glee, and surprisingly, Devil Mac has left the building.
“You wanna sit down?” I ask, looking up at him as he leans against the doorway.
“Nope, I think I’ll stay right over here. I need some distance from you for this,” he says.
“For what?” I’m confused now. What the hell is going on?
“I think we need to talk, and since you’ve been avoiding me for the past few weeks, face to face seems to be the only way to get through to you.”
“I haven’t been-”
“Mac, you’re not a liar, please don’t start now.” He just stands there, his eyes full of anger.
“Why are you so angry, Daniel?” I ask tentatively.
“Why do you think? Were you ever going to tell me?” His voice rocks through me.
“W-what?”
“Or were you going to just shut me out like you do to every other person that cares for you, that loves you?
“Now hang on, I don’t-”
“Now you’re lying to yourself. You’re so damn snug and secure in your neat little box that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to take a chance. I thought you were going to take that chance on me. When you apologized to me a couple of weeks ago, I thought that you had made a decision and that you’d chosen me, but then you all but disappeared.”
“Daniel, I-”
“Not now, Mac. Now it’s time for you to listen. See, I just ran into Noah at the bar.” He pushes off the doorway and starts walking towards me, stopping to sit on the edge of the arm chair right by the couch. He leans forward, resting his forearms on his legs.
“And he said the funniest thing to me. He threw his arm around my shoulder and said that congratulations were in order. At first I thought he was just a bit drunk, and maybe he’d got his wires crossed or something. But then he said how he never thought any man would get you to settle down, and how glad he was that it was me who did it.” He still hasn’t taken his eyes off me. I can’t read anything from his expression, and it’s starting to rattle me.
I’m stunned. My mouth falls open, and I’m stuck in a brain freeze. Right now, if there was a fly catching competition, I’d be top of the freaking table.
“See, the thing is, gorgeous, he seems to think that we’re having a baby...together.”
I’m speechless. All the words I want to say have disappeared. Even Angel Mac has gone into hiding. How did I screw this up so badly?
“Is that right? Are you pregnant?”
“Y-yeah I am.”
“And is it mine?”
I gasp. “Of course it is!” My heart is racing, and I can feel my body tense up.
He rakes his hand through his hair again, looking down at his feet as he tries to compose himself. I can see him taking a huge breath, his shoulders lifting and falling as he lets out a huge sigh.
He looks back up at me, and his eyes have softened. “Why didn’t you want to tell me? You know how I feel about you, don’t you?”
Now it’s my turn to stand up. I pace the lounge once, willing myself to say the words. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, I haven’t been with anyone else since I met you. I’ve been terrified of losing this baby, of losing another baby, and I love you too much to put you through that pain.”
All of a sudden, he’s standing in front of me, just inches away from my body. “What did you just say?” he asks softly, cupping my face in his hands.
“I said that I didn’t want to put you through the pain of losing a baby.”
“No, gorgeous, before that.”
“I love you,” I whisper.
“Say it again.”
“I love you,” I repeat, stronger and more sure of myself.
“God, I’ve dreamed about hearing those words come from your mouth,” he says before crashing his lips against mine, delving his tongue into my mouth and kissing me like his life depends on it. I wrap my arms around his neck and lose myself in him.
Pulling away, I see the biggest grin on his face. I decide it’s now or never.
“I’ve been fixing myself. Fixing my life. Trying to get myself in the right head space to be with you because that’s all I want, but then I didn’t want you to just want to be with me because of the baby. When I found out about our little superhero here…” I rub my hand over my stomach. I’m nowhere near showing, but I’ve already developed a habit of holding my hand on my belly.
“Our little superhero?” he asks with a grin.
“Ah, yeah, the name kinda stuck,” I say with a shrug.
He moves his hands down my body and rests them on top of mine on my stomach, causing my breath to hitch.
“Gorgeous girl, for a smart cookie you can be pretty fucking clueless sometimes. So, I’m gonna lay it out for you one more time. Hell, I’ll keep saying it until you start believing it. I’ve wanted you from the start, and I told you that you were mine. That I would wait. And I’ve been waiting, gorgeous, but I was about ready to come beat down your door and make you see reason. You’re my forever girl. My Lois Lane. You always have been, and if I have my way, you always will be.”
I open my mouth in shock. This is more than I could have ever imagined.
“When I got sick of waiting, I tried pushing the issue which only made you move further away. After that night at my apartment, I thought you’d felt it. I thought you realized what we had was real. But then you ran, and a little part of me gave up hope. But I was already in too deep with you, way over my fucking head, and I’m tall. That’s pretty deep,” he says with a cheeky grin.
“I told you that I loved you so much that I’d keep at you until you realized it, or gave in to my sexy charms. One of the two.” He lifts his hands up, cupping my face in his warm, soft hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t make you stay and talk it out with you. I was in shock that you were willing to walk away after what we’d experienced that night.”
“No, Daniel. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in us, or in you enough to fight harder.”
“So this is why you’ve been avoiding me? Because you were scared?”
I nod, unable to stop the tears falling down my face. These pregnancy hormones have a lot to answer for.
“Let’s get one thing clear, Mac. I would never be with you just because we’re having a baby together. I wanted you before this, and now that there is going to be a mini me I’m beyond happy. I may be a little shocked, but this is without a doubt the second best thing to ever happen to me in my life.”
“Second best?” I ask with a smirk.
“The first being the night you dropped your phone on the L,” he replies with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen. “I know it’s going to be scary, and there will be a few freak outs, but I’m going to be here for you every step of the way if you’ll have me.”
There is a tenderness in his eyes that melts me to the core. He almost looks wary, like he’s not sure what I’m going to say or do next. It’s totally un-Daniel like, and I suddenly want to jump him and kiss the shit out of him.
“My turn now?” I ask. He nods and waits. I lean forward and kiss him again, trying to prove to myself that this is actually real. Daniel is here, in front of me, and I’m not freaking out.
Hell, I’m not freaking out!
After a few minutes of making out like horny teenagers with a curfew, he pulls away just slightly, looking down at me with a huge smile.
“I’m liking these pregnancy hormones. Especially if I get eight more months of you like this.”
I pull him close to me, planting soft kisses all over his face, and not stopping until I’ve kissed everywhere I can reach.
“Superman, you have NO idea.”
The End
But Wait…
***
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been a bit clueless when it comes to pregnant women.
Until now.
Mac is five months pregnant and is starting to bloom. It makes her even more beautiful, almost radiant. And with all the books she’s reading, I’m getting a rapid initiation not only into the world of impending parenthood, but the quirks, beauty, and interesting adaptations that come with any first time pregnancy. I’ve heard about more swollen body parts, birthing techniques - including how some women have orgasmic births! - and things being cut that just shouldn’t be cut.
Mac complains that she is getting fat, making a cute pouty face and telling me that I’ll have to roll her in flour to find the wet spot when she’s the size of a whale, then chastises me when I crack up laughing at the mental picture that conjures up.
She has always been beautiful and sexy. God, that woman has driven me to my knees more than once. Now that we’re together, and she’s finally caught up with the fact that we love each other, life has been so much better.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Mac has really changed, but she’s not so skittish. I’m no longer having to watch everything I say or do. I can wrap my arms around her, kiss the shit out of her and tell her I love her without fear that she’s going to run the other way screaming. This is progress. And to be honest, a hell of a lot less stressful than the past seven months have been.
She took a while to convince, but in the end the connection we had was too hard for even the stubborn Makenna Lewis to ignore. Our little superhero in waiting did play a big part, but I was getting close to breaking point by the time Noah congratulated me on the baby I didn’t even know I was having.