by Carnal, MJ
“I did a background check on you after my Kara Lynae introduced us,” he continued, his icy glare intense. “You think I wouldn’t look into who my little girl was opening up to after all these years? I wanted to find out what kind of man was stealing the heart of my world.”
I should have figured he would do as much. I couldn’t blame him either. I wondered why he allowed her to still see me after learning about Kaitlin. It was all my fault; I should have been with her. I shouldn’t have let her leave with that asshole. I’ve lost her, and now I’ve shattered Lynae too.
“I guess you’re here to tell me to stay away from Lynae now. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what happened. I wasn’t thinking. I would never hurt her. Never. I swear on my life. I love her more than anything on this earth.”
“I know you love her. I saw it the first night I met you, the day y’all came back from Alabama, and every second I saw you sitting in the hospital holding her hand waiting on her to wake up.” John’s voice became thick with emotion. “It is the same look I had while I was holding Sara’s hand when she was dying.”
My heart ached even more. Lynae has been through so much shit in her life. All I have done is add to it. I would walk through fire to take her pain away. It kills me that I caused so much of the pain she's currently dealing with. “I will do anything to make things right. I just want her to be happy and whole.” Even if it meant letting her go. It will destroy me, but she is what is important. Her and the baby.
“Connor, I’m going to be honest with you,” John said.
This was it. He gets me to let my guard down by not killing me on the spot.
“Like I said, I know you love her. I know you would do anything for her. The man that sat there in agony while she was lying in that bed can’t be the man that was in this apartment on Saturday night. There is no way. I am a very good judge of character.”
“Mr. Michaels, I—“
“Let me finish, son.”
“Yes, sir.” I leaned on the counter opposite him. I felt like I should go put some clothes on, but right now he’s talking to me and not killing me.
“I read the police report on your sister’s accident. I also saw you had a few charges for assault and public intoxication in the months following the accident. It seems you get violent and not yourself when you drink.” John uncrossed his arms and braced his hands on the ledge. “I smelled the alcohol on you when I got to the hospital Saturday night. I know you had been drinking.”
Yeah. I got in quite a few fights after Kaitlin died. My parents were blaming me. I was blaming me. I didn’t want to feel. I just wanted to numb the pain. Alcohol and fighting distracted me. When I saw Sly carrying Lynae through the window Friday night, I believed the crazy thoughts running through my bourbon-saturated brain and the pain got worse. I drank more Jim Beam than any one person should be able to tolerate. I wanted the empty feeling in my chest to go away. “I was drunk. I wasn’t myself. I want to kill myself for what I did. You have to believe me.”
“Son, I do believe you. I have a feeling your drinking has to with your guilt over Kaitlin. Am I right?”
The pain from the night Kaitlin died came crashing down on me. I fell to the floor and buried my face in my hands. “It was all my fault. I should have taken her home. I should have been there for her. I always fuck everything up. Kaitlin, Lynae. Everything.”
Completely taking me by surprise, John knelt down beside me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You weren’t driving. You didn’t cause the accident. Yes, you probably should have been the one to take her home, but she was an adult. She could have made the decision to not get in a car with someone who had been drinking. You can’t change the past. It wasn’t your fault.”
Wade, Marcus and Seth have told me that very same thing so many times over and over again, whereas my parents always told me that Kaitlin was my responsibility and it was my fault. But for some reason, having John tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong felt different. I can’t explain it. Maybe having a father figure tell me makes it seem like maybe I can start to believe it isn’t my fault.
“I know you’re hurting from your past, but you can’t let that destroy your future. Lynae is going to need you. She may not know it right now, but she does.”
“How can you say these things to me? Don’t you hate me?” I asked incredulously.
“Last night, after she told me what happened, I wanted to kill you. All I saw was red. You hurt the most precious thing in the world to me, but I know that deep down she still loves you. She’s hurting, and I know you love her. You need to get your act together. You’re going to have to fight for her. Give her time, but you will have to fight.”
Leaving me sitting on the floor, completely raw and exposed, John got up and walked out of the apartment.
I hold on to his words. She still loves me. Her father would know. He says I have to fight for her.
I keep playing that conversation over and over in my head. It’s been two days since he came by. I will fight for her. I know I have to give her time to heal. Emotionally and physically. I just don’t know how long I can go without seeing her face. Holding her in my arms. Running my fingers through her hair. Kissing her lips. I need her. God, I need her.
~
“She’s supposed to be going home today.” Wade says as he walks into the kitchen.
I’ve been getting updates from him and Gabbi. And a text here and there from John. I still can’t believe he's actually talking to me right now. I told him I’d give her time, but I can’t help myself. I’ve left message after message on Lynae’s cell, but I still haven’t heard back from her. I’m guessing she still doesn’t have her phone with her. At least, that’s what I’m holding on to. The reality is probably that Lynae is ignoring every single text and voicemail I leave her. I don’t blame her one bit. I just wish she would give me a chance to talk to her one more time. My world is nothing, colorless, without her vibrancy. She lights up everything for me. My chest feels hollow and dead inside.
I did go up to the hospital last night around midnight. I opened up the door to her room and just stood in the doorway watching her sleep. God! I wanted nothing more than to crawl in that bed and wrap myself around her tiny frame. She looked so small. Lynae had curled into herself so tightly she looked like a ball lying in the middle of that bed. And those beds aren’t that big, and I swear you could probably fit two more of her in there with room to spare.
Before, when she was staying over here all the time, before I fucked everything up, that’s how she would look when she was having a nightmare about that sick motherfucker. I’m assuming they were about him. She never talked about it, but if for some reason I had gotten out of bed, or she went to bed before me, that’s how I would find her. Curled into herself, almost like she was reliving that night and trying to protect herself. I’d slowly tuck myself in behind her, pull her close to my body and she would instantly relax. Lynae would sense my presence and it would calm her. The whimpering would stop and she would sleep peacefully the rest of the night.
As I stood there watching her for those few minutes, I heard her softly crying in her sleep. When she rolled over to face the door, I almost ran, afraid she might wake. I didn’t want to upset her further if she looked up and saw me standing there, but I could tell she was still in the clutches of her nightmare. Was her nightmare about Matt? Or was it about me? Her face was scrunched up as if she were in pain. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take her in my arms and take that pain away, but the night nurse came over and told me quite sternly that visiting hours were over and I had to leave. I didn’t sleep a damn minute when I got home.
Wade plops down on the couch next to me, nudging my leg with his knee. “You hear me, man?”
“Yeah. Gabbi texted me about an hour ago. Michelle and Sly were up there picking her up.” It should be me taking her home. And by home, I mean here. I want her here with me every minute of every day so I can love her and look after her. And the baby.<
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“I went up there with Gabbi this morning,” Wade says cautiously.
I’m sure my glare could burn through a brick wall right now.
“Lynae looked a little better than she did on Monday. She sounded like she was getting some strength back when I talked to her.”
“Seriously not helping, man,” I growl at him. How dare he talk to me about seeing my sweetness. It’s not right that he can go into her room and talk to her, while I am forced to stay away, grasping at straws.
“I tried talking to her this morning. I tried to explain some things, but she got too upset, and I couldn’t take watching her crying again.”
Shit! Just hearing about her crying more tears over everything is enough to rip my fucking heart out. I told her I would fuck up. I told her I wasn’t good with relationships. Why the hell couldn’t I just stay away from her? Maybe she was right to run away from me that first night at Metro. I should have let her keep her distance. Did I? No! I had to go after her. From the first moment I touched her, I knew she was different. I felt it in my bones that I needed to protect her. I didn’t ever expect she would need protecting from me.
“Did she say anything about me?” I ask. Man, I sound like such a pussy right now.
Wade just looks at me like he feels sorry for me. “Yeah. She did ask how you were. She was worried about Sly kicking the ever livin’ shit out of you.”
Well, at least that’s something. It isn’t much, but I’ll take what little worry from her I can get. “I miss her, man. I miss her so much. Why the fuck did you let me go get myself wasted?”
“Don’t pin this on me. I told you to knock it off. Hell, I shouldn’t have believed anything you said when you and Marcus came back here, but how can I doubt you? You’re family,” Wade retorts.
He’s right. I have nobody to blame but myself. Of course the guys are going to side with me first. Bros before… I can’t even finish that thought. Lynae is the furthest thing from a ho than anything. Even her name is too good to be thought of in the same sentence. Marcus, Seth and Wade would believe anything I said to them. Even when I am a drunken ass. “I’m sorry. You’re abso-fucking-lutely right.”
“For what it’s worth, I told her how sorry we all were for believing a dickhead like you. I told her that we all love her, and that you are a fucking miserable piece of shit without her,” Wade says. “I know she still loves you, even if she won’t admit it to herself right now. It’s the look in her eyes.”
John tells me she loves me, now Wade. I have to hold onto this. I don’t think I can live in a world where she doesn’t love me. There would be no reason for me to live.
Chapter Six
Lynae
My back arches off the couch as I feel his lips travel from my collarbone down to my navel. The rough stubble along his jaw causes tingles to break out all over my skin. Connor’s large hands run up the outside of my thighs and come to rest firmly on my hips, holding them in place. I thread my fingers through his thick dark hair, making him look up at me. The depths of his emerald pools shoot straight through me. The roguish grin on his face and the look in his eyes are enough to make me melt on the spot. “I love you” escapes my lips on a sigh of pure pleasure.
“Your skin is the most delicious thing on this earth,” Connor says before tracing his tongue back over the path his mouth just traveled. His lips caress and suck the sensitive skin along the side of my neck just below my ear. I gasp as he pulls my earlobe between his teeth, gently tugging. The slight pain sends a lightning bolt straight to my core. “I have to have you, sweetness.”
I feel Connor’s hard length nudging the entrance of my sex as he settles his hips further between my thighs. God, I want this man so bad. He makes me weak in the knees. Thank heavens I’m laying down right now, I know there's no way I could stand. “Yes, Connor. I need you.” I moan. I’m breathless and panting at the same time. The sensations he evokes from my body still boggle my mind.
With one hard and quick thrust, Connor enters me on a growl. “Fucking heaven!” he pants as he pushes as far into me as he can as I cry out in ecstasy. “Too fucking good.”
Of their own volition, my hips surge up to meet Connor thrust for thrust. I feel the balls of his piercing dragging along my walls, causing my muscles to clench and spasm. It won’t be long before he pushes me over the edge of oblivion. I wrap my hands around Connor’s shoulders, holding on for dear life. I need this man so much. I love him with the very depths of my soul. “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop!” I pant.
“You like that, baby?” Connor grunts, shifting the angle of his hips to hit me in the perfect spot. “God, you feel so good.”
“Yes!” I’m so close. Stars start to appear behind my closed eyelids. I try to push my body impossibly closer to him.
Connor starts really pounding into me. Harder than he has ever before. “You want it?” Pound. Thrust. Pound. “Like that?” Pound. Thrust. Pound. “I bet you liked it like this with Matt too,” he growls.
“NO! NO! NO!” I try pushing at Connor’s chest, but it’s no use. I can’t make him move. Why is he saying these things to me? I need to get away. He’s hurting me.
Suddenly I’m being shaken. I hear a garbled voice calling my name. “Lynae! Baby! Wake up!”
“Stop! No! Leave me alone!” I scream. I feel a sob tearing at my chest trying to get out. My flailing arms hit something hard and warm over me.
“Wake up, baby. It’s just a dream.”
I open my eyes and see Sly’s concerned face staring down at me. I sit straight up in the bed and throw my arms around him, clinging to him. I burst into tears. “Oh my God!”
“It’s ok. You’re safe.” Sly gently rubs my back up and down. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you ever again.”
I’m in my room. I’m in my apartment. Everything comes rushing back to me. I just got released from the hospital yesterday. It was all a nightmare. Connor isn’t really here. Bile starts to rise in my throat. I’m going to be sick. Pushing against Sly’s chest, I jump out of the bed and dash into the bathroom. I barely make it over the toilet before I start heaving. I didn’t eat much dinner last night, so there really isn’t anything in my stomach to throw up.
After a few minutes, the dry heaves subside and I rest my head on the toilet seat. I feel a cold rag being pressed to the back of my neck as Sly settles himself on the floor beside me. “You want some crackers?” he quietly asks.
I shake my head no and continue to stare into the toilet bowl. I’m still trying to get my breathing under control, and the pain in my side is soaring, having been amplified by my body’s feeble attempt at throwing up. Damn broken ribs. I can’t do this. This pain is just too much.
Not the physical aches. The pain in my heart is beyond excruciating.
I feel Sly’s arms coming under my knees and behind my back as he picks me up off the cold bathroom tile. He carries me out into the living room and softly places me on the couch. “I’ll go make you some toast. Michelle said to make you eat something first thing.” Dropping a quick kiss to the top of my head, he makes his way into the kitchen. “And don’t argue with me,” he calls over his shoulder.
Slumping back into the corner of the couch, I close my eyes. I hear Sly rummaging around my kitchen. I know he means well, but right now, eating is the last thing on my mind. My stomach is still in knots, but I know he will not let it go. Sly feels like he failed me, and has made it his personal mission to be at my beck and call. I love him dearly, but he's really starting to get on my nerves.
“You want some jelly or just butter?”
Neither. I’m not hungry. “I don’t care,” I mumble. Rumbling in my stomach causes me to open my eyes. Please no. I don’t want to throw up again. I sit up straight on the couch, taking some deep breaths. A tube of crackers appears before my eyes.
“Try these.” Sly holds them out. “The toast is fixing.”
I take out two saltines and take a small bite. I remember Carmen telling me that
she used to keep a tube of crackers and a can of ginger ale on her bedside table when she was pregnant with her twins. Maybe these will help. As I chew my crackers, my eyes look around the room. I spot a dark green shirt draped over the rocking chair in the corner. It’s Connor’s. God, I miss him so much, but it hurts to miss him. I told as much to Wade yesterday too.
Wade came by the hospital yesterday morning before I was discharged. He tried to get me to listen to him about Connor. I was surprised to see him. After Connor left that first day, none of the guys had come in. I figured they wanted nothing to do with me. After all, they had all sided with him and believed that I had been messing around. When Gabbi walked out to go find out when my doctor would be in to write my release orders, Wade really took me by surprise by sitting on the side of my bed and pulling me into a hug.
“Missed you, Nae Nae. We all do.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“About that, I’m sorry. About all of it. None of us should have listened to the dumbass.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“He misses you. He loves you.”
“I can’t talk about him. Please.” The tears gathered.
Gabbi walked in and notices my tear filled eyes. Smacking Wade on the back of the head, she fussed at him. “I told you not to upset her, dipshit.”
I’ve gotten four crackers down, and my stomach seems to be settling a little as I continue to stare at Connor’s shirt. I swear I can almost smell him on it from all the way across the room. Sly returns with a plate of toast and a glass of water. He looks so confused. He’s looking at me as if he thinks if breathes on me the wrong way I’ll blow over and break. I take the plate from him and continue nibbling. I’m sure he will call Michelle home from work if I don’t comply. I remember her giving him a list of orders last night before we went to bed. She stayed here last night. She wanted to stay in my room but I insisted that she just go stay in Sly’s room. I wanted to be alone.