by Carnal, MJ
I get outside of Bruno’s with the handsy brunette and swat her ass as I walk towards my bike. She stands there a while just looking at me. I get on the bike and rev the engine.
“You’re not coming home with me, are you?”
“No. I’m not. But thanks for that,” I acknowledge, as I jerk my thumb back towards the bar. Then I touch my lip where she hit me. Lexi. Punched… Me… In the face. And she screamed that she hated me. The look in her eyes when she said it tells me she meant it. I shake my head and stare at the brunette.
“It’s cool. No worries, babe. But can I give you some advice?” she says as she leans back on her heels and looks right into my eyes.
“Seems like you’re going to anyway, so shoot.” I straddle the bike and grab the handlebars with white knuckles.
Smiling sadly, with something like remorse in her eyes, she says, “Look, I don’t know what the hell that was in there.” she motions back towards the bar. “But I saw the way you two stared at each other in the coffee shop, and I could practically see the sexual tension just now. I don’t know what happened in the past with you two, but it’s obvious something serious did. And I can tell you another thing… That woman does not hate you. She might wish she did, but she does not hate you. Whatever happened, fix it. You’ll never get over it. You’ll never move on. Trust me, I know.”
“And what makes you such an expert, sexy lady?”
“Because I had my own Jude Delecroix once. And I’ve never gotten over him either.” With that statement, she turns on her heel and walks into the night.
Well fuck me… this night has just gone from completely whack to off-the-charts insane.
I gun the engine and whisper, “What if it’s so broken it can’t be fixed?” Then, I take off into the muggy Baton Rouge night with too many thoughts running around in my head, and too many questions about why I really returned home.
Chapter Five
Lexi
Lying back in the tub, with my head resting on a rolled up towel and a washcloth over my eyes, I listen to the soothing sounds of Michael Bublé, and try to get my muscles to relax.
My cell buzzes on the shelf above me with a new text.
“Bradi
Checking on you chick. That was wicked intense tonight. Holy shit!
I am so sorry for what I said to Jude. I’m mortified and I love you so much.
Please don’t be mad.
Call me. I’m here for you and I want you to be ok. Because tonight, you with Jude, fucking hell Lexi, I don’t know that girl.
You HIT him!
I’ve never seen you that way. It scared me.
I love you!!!”
I put the phone down, lay my head back, and rub my temples. My head is pounding and not from the alcohol. I’m just lost. Lost in my head. Lost in the memories. Lost in the hurt and anger I still feel.
I should not still be this affected by him. I was doing so well. I was moving on. I have a life, a good life, and I cannot let myself go back to that person I was when he left. I won’t let myself go back there. I’m stronger than that.
And Bradi is right; I’m not that girl anymore. She doesn’t know that girl. And I don’t want her to. I don’t want anyone to.
I pick up my phone to text her back.
“Lexi
I’m ok. Well not really. But it is what it is.
I’m not mad at you.
I’m sorry I scared you.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Jude.
I’m so sorry about a lot of things, but you’re right you don’t know that girl.
I am NOT that girl. I don’t know why, but Jude makes me crazy.
But I’ll be ok.
I’m not going back to that girl.
I love you too.
So much.
Call you tomorrow.”
Laying my head down again, I close my eyes. Today was unexpected, I can be honest with myself. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Jude is back. He’s here. He’s home. What am I going to do?
As I slowly start to allow Michael Bublé and the warm, soothing bubbles to relax me, I realize… I’m not over him. I’m still in love with Jude Delecroix and I have no idea what to do about it.
<><><>
Jude
As I’m driving aimlessly down the Louisiana back roads, I find myself pulling into a familiar spot.
Why did I come here? I started out with no destination in mind. I just wanted to drive, to feel the wind rush past me and the open road underneath me. So why am I here? Why here? Why this particular spot?
Was the brunette right? Does Lexi still have feelings for me?
I thought I was over her. I thought this trip home was to show myself that I am over her and she no longer has a hold over me. The point was to walk up to her and show her that I didn’t need her… that I made it… without her… that I am someone… that this ‘small town’ and the ‘small town girl’ who was once my world no longer mattered. Yes, that was the plan. Eight years is long enough to move on. Too bad my bullshitting myself was just that… complete and total bullshit.
The moment I saw her, I was no longer Jude Delecroix, lead singer of Bayou Stix, and one of the most famous rockers in the world, ‘the’ Jude Delecroix, that everyone wanted or wanted to be. I wasn’t the millionaire with four houses, six cars, and groupies in every town.
No. The moment I saw her, I was just me. I was just the boy Alexia Sloane promised to love forever, and the boy who made her his world. I would have given her anything, would have given up everything just to keep her happy… just to have her stay mine. The boy she walked away from and never looked back…
I look to the stars, the same stars I once looked at with her. Behind the levee, next to the slow moving Mississippi River, beneath the oak tree that was once our spot and I roar at the heavens. Then I drop to my knees and grab my forehead as the memories start to pour into my head.
<><><>
Lexi
10 years ago
Today is the day. I know it. I can feel it. Today is the day I will finally tell Jude how I feel.
It’s my 16th birthday, and also the 4th of July. Yay me, I can’t even get my own day to celebrate, but at least every year we have fireworks.
I’ve been planning all day what I’ll wear to the celebration on the levee. A bunch of us are meeting up and Erik is coming over to help me get ready.
But tonight, tonight is the night I will finally get what I’ve wanted my whole life. I can feel it.
Jude Delecroix. He’s my best friend. He’s tall and skinny, with lean muscles, but he makes my heart beat so fast. We’ve been friends since we were kids. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t Erik, Jude, and me. We’re inseparable. Everything we do is together. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. The Three Musketeers, that’s us.
Jude has been dating Michelle off and on for a few years now. I hate her. She’s so snotty and just a real bitch. She treats Jude like shit and thinks she’s so much better than everyone else. She’s skinny and pretty, but her personality is just vapid. She’s so toxic it makes her ugly. But no matter what Erik and I say, she always manages to wrap her claws back around Jude.
But not this time. I talked to Jude last night; Michelle cheated on him, again. And this time with a total loser. He broke up with her and this time, this time he swears he’s done.
Tonight is my chance. It’s past time I get my guy. It’s my night, my chance, and I’m taking it.
I hear a knock on my bedroom door and Erik sticks his head in. He hands me a pink fluffy teddy bear and a dozen pink Gerber daisies, my favorite.
Sweeping me off my feet, he spins me around presses kisses to my head and tells me “Happy Birthday!”
Erik is 17, the same as Jude, but where Jude is long and slender, and tight, Erik is six feet of solid, thick muscle. It simply isn’t right that a 17 year old boy can have a body like that. Lots of girls watch him (hell even me) but they can watch all they wan
t. He never even notices them. As beautiful as he is with that body and that wavy brown hair and smoky blue eyes, he’s not into girls. He’s a beautiful Adonis with a heart of gold, and some guy will sure be lucky someday.
He sets me on my feet after making me dizzy from the spinning with a huge perfect smile. “Are you ready, love? Tonight is the night, right? Let’s get you looking gorgeous. Jude won’t know what hit him. Although, how he’s left you alone until now is a mystery to me!”
I blush and tuck my chin down against my very ample chest, “Yes, tonight is my night. Jude is going to finally be mine!”
Four hours and much pampering later, we’re ready and just waiting for Jude to pick us up. With Erik’s help, I’ve settled on a pair of short cut-offs, a cropped red tank top with a bit of lace at the top, and blue and red flip flops. My wavy auburn hair has been tamed and is falling in soft, touchable waves all the way down my back with the sides swept up with red clips. I have on just a slight amount of gold eye shadow to make my eyes pop, and bright cherry lip gloss. I really don’t need much else since I’ve been blessed with great skin.
I have to admit, I look pretty good. I can’t wait for Jude to see me. He’s always commenting on my hair, so I’ve made sure that it looks amazing tonight.
My parents have gone out for the night, so it’s just Erik and me. We turn on the radio while we wait for Jude to get there and dance around to the music.
Finally we see headlights pull into the drive. I wipe my sweaty palms against my shorts, check my face and hair in the mirror, then take Erik’s hand and walk outside with a huge smile on my face.
I see Jude watching us walk to the car and he opens the door and leans on the hood, looking me up and down slowly. He swallows. “Damn Lex. You look great. You have a hot date tonight or something? Am I going to have to beat someone up for getting too friendly with you on your birthday?”
I smile even brighter, giggle, and call back, “Something like that, Jude. But don’t worry; you won’t be beating anyone up.” He raises his eyebrows and gets back in the car right when we get to the door. Erik opens the door and tells me to take the front and my face falls.
Right there, sitting in my seat with her red nails scraping on Jude’s thigh is Michelle. And she’s smirking at me.
The look I send Jude must convey my surprise, because he shrugs and lifts the corner of his mouth as if to say he doesn’t know, and then shuts the door.
I get into the back with Erik and instantly feel as if I’m going to burst into tears. He takes my hand and starts rubbing soothing circles on the back of it, while he hugs me tightly to his side. He whispers in my ear, “I don’t know what she’s doing here. I talked to him before I went to your house and he never mentioned she was coming. I’m sorry, love.”
As we head to the levee, the car is silent except for Michelle’s incessant chattering about who cares what. She doesn’t seem to notice anything is off and proceeds to ignore Erik and me, as usual, which is perfectly fine by me.
Once we get to the levee, we head up to the spot where we are meeting the crew from school. A few people wish me happy birthday and more than one brow is raised in surprise at Jude and Michelle, but no one says anything.
Erik and I take our seats on the blanket we’ve taken out of Jude’s car. We look around and nod at a few people. Typical teenage things are going on. Arguing, some making out, and a few kids are sneaking sips from beer cans and wine coolers.
Erik wraps his arm around my shoulder and we lay back and look at the sky. We can see the Mississippi River Bridge from where we are just under it and something is kind of magical about it.
A bit later, someone sits on the blanket with us and they clear their throat.
It’s Hunter. He’s a senior, like Erik and Jude and plays football with Erik. He’s had a crush on me for a while, but he’s never asked me out.
Hunter is cute in an all American kind of way. He has brown hair, green eyes, and a nice smile with twin dimples. I even like him. He’s sweet,good looking, and a really nice guy.
He looks at Erik, as though asking his approval and Erik gives a nod of his head. Then he asks me if I’d like to take a stroll along the Riverwalk with him.
I look to Erik. He tells me to go ahead, he’s fine on the blanket, and to have some fun.
Hunter helps me up, and shyly takes my hand as we walk away from the crowd. As we’re leaving, I glance over my shoulder and see Jude watching us, his arm around a clingy Michelle, with a strange look on his face.
I did get kissed that night. A pretty great kiss, but not the one my heart was set on.
Hunter and I dated all through that year of school before he left for UCLA. Neither of us was interested in the “long distance relationship” thing, and we decided to stay friends.
Chapter Six
Lexi
Present day
My bathwater has grown cold as my memories of the first time Jude Delecroix broke my heart run through my head.
I get up, dry off, put on my favorite snuggly jammies, and pad out into the hallway to check on Erik. He’s on the couch texting with a big smile on his face, so I’m guessing I really didn’t ruin his night.
I walk back into my bathroom and brush my teeth before crawling into bed. It’s been a long, exhausting day and I know things are not going to get any easier as long as Jude is in town. I stare at the ceiling and try figure out a plan for dealing with things in my head.
Before I get too comfortable, I find myself slithering out of bed and onto my floor. I move things around under my bed, until I find what I’m looking for.
I pull out the dusty box and brush off the top. Then I simply look at it for awhile. Eventually, I just decide to open it. The box is filled with notes, old journals, ticket stubs, and photos. So many photos. I slowly start to pull things out.
As I look through the photos, I can’t help but smile. There are so many, and in most of them, its three smiling faces: Erik, Jude, and me. It’s almost as if they are a series of screenshots from the movie of our lives. They start out with us as kids, some in diapers and we’re always together. I can clearly see when Erik started to fill out and when I went from awkward gangly teen to young woman. What I’ve never noticed before though is how you can plainly see when my feelings for Jude started to change. In the photos around the time I’m 13, I’m no longer looking at the camera and smiling. I’m looking at Jude and smiling while he and Erik are looking at whoever has the camera. When I’m 16, the longing on my face is so obvious. I’m kind of embarrassed.
But then, around the time I’m 17, the photos change again. It’s no longer the three of us all smiling together, or me staring dreamily at Jude. In these photos, Jude and I are looking at each other with our arms wrapped around one another, smiling while Erik looks on. His happiness at our being together is evident, or he’s smiling at the camera while Jude and I are engrossed in each other. In most of the photos of Jude and me alone, Erik is the one taking the photo.
The last picture, the photo at the very bottom of the box, the one that is wrinkled and worn from handling it so much, is just of the two of us. Our arms are wrapped around each other. His guitar is lying on the ground at our feet and he’s holding the band’s recording contract in his hand. He’s smiling his trademark smile at the camera and you can see the joy on his face. He’s holding me so tightly there’s not a centimeter of space between our bodies. And on my face, on my face is a smile, but also in my eyes, there’s a hint of fear.
Before I know it, the tears are once again rolling down my face, and my heart is hurting for all that I’ve lost. Hurting for the happy kids in those photos. Hurting because for all I’ve said and for as many years as have passed, I’m still the same girl I was in those photos. The same girl who was hopelessly in love with a boy. The same girl who’s heart has always and will always belong to Jude Delecroix.
With that realization, I lay on the floor, holding the photo; the photo that was the beginning of the end, and cry myself
to sleep.
<><><>
Jude
I’m not sure what time it is. It has to be late. Or early, depending on how you view it.
I’ve been under our tree for hours just staring at the stars listening to the barges pass along the river. I’ve never been that guy who talks about his feelings. I sing about my feelings. It’s my passion, my escape. And people listen. People can relate to my music. With everything flowing through my head right now, I’m wishing I had my guitar and a notebook. I think I could write another hit album.
I’ve written so many songs about her, about Lexi. But I doubt she knows. People assume they know, but they don’t. Everyone thinks they know me, but the truth is no one really knows me. No one outside of the band. Not anymore. They think the guy on TV and in the magazines is who I am, but it’s not me. Not the real me, that I’ve kept hidden for years. No one knows the me that I am when I’m complete. Eight years of meaningless sex with so many girls I can’t even remember half of their faces. Hell, half of them I never even knew their names.
Right now, I can understand the revulsion on Lexi’s face. I’m repulsed by myself.
I’ve even had a couple of relationships, but nothing lasting. Not anything where anyone could break through the wall protecting what’s left of my heart. There was the supermodel I dated for about six months who finally realized I wasn’t joking when I said I didn’t love her and would never love her. There was the actress I dated for over a year, but neither of us wanted anything other than the hot sex and the press our being together gave us, so it ended. And then, last year there was the singer for the opening band on our tour. We hooked up the entire time we were on the road and had a lot of fun, but again neither of us was really interested or open to anything more. The tour ended, and we went our separate ways. Sure, we still hook up when we’re in the same place at the same time, but that only happens around award season.
In my life, in 27 years, there’s been only one woman I’ve opened my heart to. One woman, who has owned me, owned my heart. And once she broke it, there wasn’t even a fragment big enough to accommodate anyone else.