by Allie York
I nodded slowly, my brain was forming its own version of what Griffin said, “Maybe helping me was a one-time thing, but maybe he wants to change. People can change.” I have no clue why it bothered me, but something about what Griffin said made me want to defend my white knight.
“If only I had hope that you were right,” Griffin sighed, “The guy has been a dick since we were kids, but his home life sucked. Abusive dad. Briggs lived it too, but he’s a good guy. People can change, I did, but it took my daughter. It took Celia to change me. Beck doesn’t have anything but a lot of guilt and pent up anger.” I sighed, lying back, and crossing my ankles on the bed. Even if Beck and Griffin were right about him, the man helped me and I owed him something. If all I had to offer was believing in him, I’d do it. The man’s looks didn’t hurt either. It was so silly to have a crush on him considering my situation, but he stayed on my mind.
An hour later, I had discharge papers, two appointments for the following day, and was loaded in the back of Griffin’s Jeep to go to Casa De La Steele. The doctor sent me home with a stack of prescriptions and a menu about what I should be eating and how often. I needed to research, but mostly I needed to sleep. I could read up on both of my conditions after a good nap and some food. Once we pulled into the driveway, I knew I wasn’t sleeping or doing research. A little girl in a Ramones shirt and a little girl with a pink horse under her arm came running to the Jeep, banging on the door once it was in park. I had barely stepped onto the concrete when Axel took my hand and pulled me down to her level. Her eyes moved over my face, eyebrows scrunched.
“You sang to me,” That was all it took for me to start crying again, and I bobbed my head, “Can you sing to my sister Celia, too?” Axel tugged the other little girl over and she hugged her horse a little tighter.
“If Celia wants, I can sing to her too, but first, I thought you could show me around this beautiful house,” The tears didn’t slow the longer I looked at them The little girls were the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. Maybe it was hormones, but I was a blubbering mess.
“You can’t sleep in our princess beds, but I can show you,” With that, I got pulled up the stairs and into the house. Axel led me to their room, then the play room with two big dogs, following at our heels. I got the grand tour of the backyard, the porch, and the kitchen before I started getting a little dizzy. I told my nieces I needed to sit down and relaxed back on the leather sofa.
Lily, Griffin’s mom, ushered the girls to the yard and Cori sat next to me, “I can’t believe she remembered you.” My head got pulled into her lap and I laid there, “You gonna tell me what happened?” I let out a deep breath, relaxing for the first time in two years.
“I pissed on a stick and left. I wanted to leave. I almost did so many times, but I stayed. He apologized, and bought me gifts, and took me to dinner, but it was all the same. I don’t know why I stayed so long. Pride, I guess. I didn’t want to tell you guys that I was wrong, admit defeat,” I peeked up at my sister, “At first, I thought I was in love, you know? I’d go to classes with him and we’d graduate and get married, but then the jealousy started, and then the drug deals. Men were in and out all the time, it was never quiet. I tried to keep the house clean, but there were so many people, it stayed nasty. I caught him with prostitutes, but if another guy looked at me, I was the one cheating. Zeke went crazy. He told me he heard voices, but they got quiet when he was high. I kept hoping he would overdose, and just die, but I’d never get that lucky.”
A heavy sigh came from across the room, and I jumped, forgetting Griffin was there. “Will he come looking for you?” Griffin’s question knocked the wind out of me. I had to sit up to catch my breath. What if he did? What if Zeke came and hurt my family because I left? What if he found out I was pregnant? “I’m not letting anyone in this house, Meredith, but I need to know if you think he might.” Griffin sat down on the table in front of us.
I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn’t take in enough air to speak, “Hey, slow down,” Cori rubbed my shoulder and I was able to take a very small breath, then another. My chest tightened, and my pulse made me dizzy.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what he might do. Oh my God, what if he does?” It came out as a frantic whisper, but Griffin stood, towering over us, and tipped my head up, forcing me to look up at him.
“I just want to be prepared. I’ll never let anyone touch my family. Got it?” His light blue eyes were so full of promise that I nodded, “Now, go get some sleep, and we’ll make some dinner.” He pulled me to my feet and hugged me. “Don’t you dare worry about it, because I’ll kill any motherfucker before he touches any of my girls.” Cori stood next to me and kissed Griffin before ushering me down the hall and sending him toward the kitchen.
“You did good, Cori,” I smiled a little and Cori beamed, following me down to the guest room.
“I know, right? Get some sleep. I’ll get you up for dinner and we can work on a game plan. It’s all going to be okay. You’re not alone anymore.” My sister shut the door behind her and I kicked off my worn sneakers before climbing up the bed. The room was small, but had a half bath to the side and was so clean. Then again, after living with Zeke, everything seemed clean. I could make it mine for a little while, even if I had nothing to put in it. The smell of hospital was on me, and the stench of booze left over, but I fell asleep as soon as my eyes closed on the duvet.
Tiny giggles and a loud bark jerked me awake and I sprang up in bed. For a second I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the deepest I had slept in years. I looked around, figuring out where I was, and laid back. The smell of food made my stomach rumble. According to my phone, I had been asleep three hours, but it felt like an eternity and only a few minutes at the same time. It was probably the most solid sleep I had gotten in two years. With Zeke every little sound had me jumping. So many times I made the mistake of falling asleep only to be woken up by a strange man in our room. A few times I woke up to find Zeke fucking some other girl on the gross couch in our room.
I made a quick stop by the bathroom, avoiding the mirror, and went to find my sister. Instead of Cori, I found two little girls and a very large black dog tugging on a rope. The other dog watched on, playing the referee role while the girls tugged the rope with the black dog. They ran into the kitchen and the back door closed with a bang. Cori yelled for them to settle down and peeked down the hall to see me coming toward her.
“Sorry Remi woke you up. We’re still working on the barking. Feel better?” Cori got the milk from the fridge and went back to cooking. The kitchen was a dream. Spacious with tons of counter space and decorated like a home magazine. My sister had it made in a way I never would.
“Much. It smells good,” I fidgeted with my hand, not entirely sure of what to say to her.
“I want the whole story now, Mere. Not that you just left. I need to know what you’ve been doing and what you want to do. If you want a plan to get up and make a life for yourself, we need a starting point. I am going to help you, but I want the honest truth about what has been going on.” Cori dried her hands on a towel and I braced myself for the inevitable. I sat back on a stool and let it all come out. I covered moving, how great things were at first, and the excitement of starting classes. It went to hell fast. I didn’t even make it a full semester before I lost my scholarship, but Zeke readily put up the money to get me through. Looking back, it was a power play, and I lost. He wanted another aspect to control and it worked. I got kicked out of classes for him coming around and causing scenes if I even sat near another guy. Professors tried to help me, askedif I needed a safe place, but I was too stupid to accept the help. Too proud. I had nothing in Boulder, but it was always Zeke’s plan. He isolated me, cutting me off from all support, and I was at his mercy.
I told Cori about the prostitutes, and business associates, and constant fear of police. I told her about the loneliness, the beatings, and the extravagant apologies. My sister stood at the stove, arms crossed, and tears in
her eyes, “I know I should have come home. I know. I just keep telling myself it’s better late than never, but it’s too late. I let this happen, and I’m bringing a baby into my disaster of a life. I can’t support myself. I can’t even keep myself healthy. I don’t know what to do. How do you even manage diabetes? I don’t think I can do this.” I couldn’t stand so far from Cori anymore, so we met in the middle of the kitchen and I let her hug me.
My sister squeezed me tight, “You did the right thing, Mere. You came home. We’ll work this out. You and the baby are going to be fine. We can get you a job, and back into classes if it’s what you want. Or if you want to take some time to heal and get healthy, Griffin and I will help you. You can do this. No matter what happens, Griff and I are here.” With my big sister’s reassurance, I wiped my face and kissed her cheek.
“Thank you. I know… I know I said horrible things, but I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it, Cori. You are the strongest person I know, and a wonderful mother, and what happened with Ax’s piece of shit father wasn’t your fault.” Cori hugged me tighter, rubbing my back and shushing me while I cried. Of all the horrible things I said to my family, the words I threw at Cori were the worst. Her forgiveness meant I could face the rest of my victims a little easier. If she could still love me, the rest could too.
BECK
The building specs I needed were pulled up in front of me, but I just watched my pen tap on the desktop. The things I should have been doing ran through my head, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. The night before I tossed and turned, paced my room, snuck down to the kitchen for food, and I even played a game of pool by myself. I should have been exhausted, I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I never gave a fuck about anyone, ever, but not knowing if the girl was okay, was killing me. I dialed Griff in the middle of the night four times, but then put the phone down. She had enough assholes in her life, so I knew better than to contact her, but fuck did I want to call Griffin. I picked up my cell, typed the text and then deleted it. For the fifth time.
“Meredith is home and fine,” I jumped and let out a string of obscenities at my brother, “You got someone after you? Second time I made you jump,” Briggs lifted an eyebrow at me and that shit-eating grin took over his face, “Not that you care, but Cori said her sister will make a full recovery and they are taking good care of her at home. Griffin told me about what happened. I can’t believe you helped her.” My own twin knew what a heartless dick I was.
“Good, that’s good,” I picked up my phone, but put it back down, ignoring how bad his shock stung me. I asked for it.
“But you do care,” Briggs got the death glare, “Don’t you?” Fucking asshole.
I may have been a lot of things, a lot of bad things, but I couldn’t lie to Briggs, “Yeah, man, I do. That girl was beat to pieces, and what she said to me…” I had to swallow some fucked-up emotions before going on, “Is she pregnant too?” Fuck, I hate feeling things.
“She is. I don’t know what that means really. Harriet said Meredith is sick as hell, but yeah, she’s pregnant,” With my brother, my twin, watching my face so carefully, I was afraid to unclench my jaw. Any little tic or movement would give away the surge of insane possessiveness hitting me. It coursed through my veins like a drug, making me more fidgety than I already was, “Beck, don’t.” Briggs warned.
I immediately went on the defensive, “Back up, it’s not like that. The girl is what, twenty? It’s not like that, Briggs. I just…” I shoved my hand through my hair, thinking of a believable lie. Lying is not easy when you don’t know the truth, “It just got to me, ya know. She’s someone’s daughter and sister, Cori’s sister. No one deserves the shit that girl went through. Ma didn’t, we didn’t, and Meredith doesn’t. Just hits too close to home.” I had no idea what I felt, or what it meant, but my answer was only half a lie.
“I get it, I’m just not used to you being so worked up, or emotional. Careful, people might think you have feelings,” Briggs clapped my back, “See ya later.” And again, I was left to my own really fucked up thoughts. My stress over a girl I shouldn’t have been thinking about was why I drank. I didn’t want the girl, not like I normally wanted a woman. Any other time I saw a woman I wanted, it was cut and dry. I chat her up, we have sex, and done. Sometimes I went back for more, but not often. When I jumped in the back of that ambulance, my sole purpose in life was to protect her. And sitting at my desk, pretending to work was not a way to get that done. Sure, she was at Griffin’s house and had her sister, but what if the abusive fucker came looking for her? What if she got sick again when no one was there? What if some other man decided he wanted her, and I lost out? Right before I found her, the idea of jumping into traffic crossed my mind in a very serious way. I wanted to die, because my life was more of a mess than I could handle. I had no purpose until she passed out in my lap. I tugged at my over-grown hair and forced myself to get some work done.
By the end of my work day, disaster didn’t even begin to describe me. I sat in my cubicle, accomplishing nothing other than driving myself crazy. Even the deadline looming over me didn’t matter. My presentation remained unfinished. So did any plans I was supposed to draw up. Once five rolled around, I jumped in my Chevelle and peeled out of the lot, passing the turn for home and heading to the gym. A run wouldn’t do it. I needed weights, sweat, and pain. I needed to feel the ache deep in my muscles. I crossed traffic without really looking and parked right up front at Kick Start. I grabbed my bag, slammed my door, and swiped my card at the desk, ignoring everyone. I changed and jumped on a bike to warm-up, setting the resistance a little higher than normal. The burn kicked in and I peddled faster, desperate to outrun the green eyes and dark hair. The healing bruise under her eye and marks on her perfect, pale skin, made me pedal harder. I closed my eyes, gripping the handle bars, and tried to make my mind stop. The tighter I closed my eyes, the more vividly I saw her face, smiling at me, telling me what a good man I was. The exact reason for my mind-numbing activities crept up from deep down. I saw all the shit Ma went through, and could clearly picture my face in place of my father’s. The longer I pedaled, the less I tried to think, but the more it bubbled up. I had an endless supply of regret and anger to keep me pedaling. The car accident that nearly killed my brother came to the surface and I squeezed my eyes closed tighter, clenching my jaw.
I heavy hand hit my shoulder, and I nearly fell off the bike. My foot came off the pedal and it smacked me in the shin. “What the fuck?” Griffin threw his hands up defensively, “Sorry, I was thinking.”
He nodded slowly, “I said your name like six times. You good?” Griff looked at my white knuckles still clutching the handle bars. I loosened my grip.
“Yeah, I’m good. How’s Meredith?” I hopped off the bike and wiped it down, following Griffin to the free weights. He picked up a pair of dumbbells and I did the same.
“Mere is all right. Or she will be. Cori had her all over town today for doctor appointments and shopping. She didn’t come with any clothes or anything. When they got home, she seemed a lot better, calmer. She’s a badass like her sister.” Griffin sat, looking up at me, curling one arm, then the other.
“I’m not gonna lie, she scared the fuck out of me. Glad she’s okay,” I took the next bench over and worked my lats, biting my tongue to keep my mouth shut. Griffin would take about as kindly to me hitting on his sister-in-law as he would Cori. I was at least ten years older, and a total dick. Griffin and I met when we were kids, so if anybody knew how bad I was, Griffin did. We went from one station to the next, wordlessly working out. The less we talked the more my mind started getting ahead of me.
“You’re never here in the evenings,” Griffin mused, “I usually catch you in the mornings.”
“I needed to burn off some steam, I guess. I didn’t sleep for shit last night,” I shrugged, “Before Celia, you partied pretty hard. Did you ever find what you were looking for?” Griffin stood from the rowing machine and took a step toward me. Li
ke always, I straightened up, ready for the challenge.
“Celia was what I was looking for. You sober up really fast when someone drops your kid you didn’t know you had off at your house. My life before my girls doesn’t even register anymore. I drank, a lot, and hardly came home. I fucked who I wanted and did whatever I could to numb the shit I couldn’t deal with. So, if you’re asking if I was just like you, then yes, but I wasn’t in as deep as you.” Griffin stared me down, begging me to spill my guts, but I only nodded. The urge to hit him in the face was strong enough to make me clench my fists, “The damn Reed sisters told me, and I’ll tell you. Eventually, some woman will come along and make you regret every whore you fucked, and every bad decision. ‘Knock you on your ass’ is what Jovie said. I got three girls out of the deal and made a fourth. Am I a pussy for it? No. I’m more man now than I was then. Now, I deal with my shit head on and have something worth living for. When you meet her, nothing else in the world matters anymore.” With that parting speech, Griffin left me standing next to the leg machine and turned into the locker room. I had never heard Griffin speak so much in my life. He owned the title of strong and silent. Instead of finishing my work out, I grabbed my bag from the locker and left. My shower could wait. Despite work the next day, I was craving a whole bottle of Jack to make me stop thinking. I knew I’d regret it in the morning, so I pulled in at the deli, texting my brother before I went in.
Beck: At Nixon’s. Want dinner?
Briggs: Is this a joke?
I growled at my phone.
Beck: Want food or not, asshole?
Briggs: Sorry, you’re being a little out of character. Or a lot. Meatballs for me and Ma, veggies for Harri. Thanks.
I rolled my eyes, hopping out of the car and heading for the door. Before I could curl my hand over the handle, I heard my name and I froze. I knew the voice instantly. Meredith, Cori, and the girls were strolling up, and Meredith made me do a double take. Her dark hair was out of the messy knot, loose around her shoulders. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes sparkled, and she was smiling. Not the tired, forced smile from the hospital. A real smile, aimed right at me. I almost didn’t recognize her.