Steve looked uncertainly at Raven. He had to do as Ned asked, even though he doubted she was ready to be left by herself with him, but to his astonishment she indicated by a slight nod that it was all right.
When they were alone, Ned explained what he meant about not asking her forgiveness. "How can I, when I can't even forgive myself? I can only hope, once you let me tell you about everything that has been eating me alive all these years, that you will at least believe that I did love your mother. And God alone knows how I've suffered."
"She suffered too, because I know she never stopped loving you, even after what you did."
He felt a stab of pain to think of it. "T'would have been better if she'd hated me instead."
"On the surface she did, but I knew it was only an act."
"Then she told you all about me—us?"
"Oh, yes, everything. But only when she felt I was old enough to know."
"Then let me have my chance to tell you why things happened as they did, Raven. Hear me out, please." He searched her face for a sign of compassion, but she merely continued to stare at him impassively, as though determined not to show any emotion at all.
She braced herself. "Go ahead."
He left nothing out, even though he had to reveal himself as the weakling he had been, unable to stand up to his dominating father and manipulative mother. He also described how he had even managed to convince himself that Lakoma was better off without him. "But believe me," he said when he was done, "had I known she was going to have you, absolutely nothing would have kept me from going back to her."
Raven was tempted to suggest that perhaps he had just made up so many excuses through the years for what he had done that he had actually started to believe them himself, but a part of her began to wonder if he might just be telling the truth.
Perhaps, she realized with a jolt, she was hoping he was.
"So that's the way it was," he went on, when she did not respond. "But I can't make you believe me. I can only pray that you do."
"My mother said the money you sent for us was your way of trying to buy freedom from your guilt."
"In a way, I suppose she was right. It was the only thing I could do, and I felt like I had to do something. By the time I found out about you, I was married and had the responsibility not only of a wife but of two small stepchildren. I couldn't just walk out on them and claim another woman as mine, who was married to another man, even if she had given birth to my child. What was done couldn't be undone. So I did what I could, though it wasn't altogether trying to ease my conscience. I truly did want to make sure the two of you were looked after."
Raven glanced about at the sumptuous furnishings and murmured, "I seem to recall it wasn't very much money."
"Seth wouldn't accept much. The first time I sent a large amount, and he wrote and said he wouldn't stand for it, that it was his job to support his family. He'd accept a little to help out, but he'd not let me take full care of his wife and the baby he loved as his own. After that, I sent a mere pittance of what I longed to give you both. I had no choice."
Raven could easily believe that. Seth had been a proud man.
Neither spoke as Elijah entered, carrying a tray with a silver tea service. There was also a plate of pink frosted cakes, which Raven could not resist sampling as he poured the tea. Ned waited till he had left before confiding, "You know, until now it really didn't matter to me whether I ever got out of this bed again or not. The only real happiness I've known since your mother was the racking horses, and this damned sickness has made me too weak even to enjoy them. So I just stopped caring what happened—till now. But having you here, seeing you, loving you on sight, I can feel in my bones that I'll be able to find the strength somehow to get out of this bed and show Halcyon to you myself. Maybe if you see it through my eyes, you'll change your mind about staying after I'm gone."
Raven felt the need to be honest, even if it hurt him. "I don't think that's going to happen."
"Maybe not, but I'm going to try my best." He smiled at her fondly. "Oh, what a treasure you are! You're the best of both your mother and me, and I'm going to cherish every moment we have together."
He closed his eyes. Raven did not speak, and before long she could tell that he was asleep.
She wondered what she should do now. Someone was going to have to show her where she was supposed to bed down, but for the moment she just wanted to sit and look at him and think about how hard it was going to be to keep on disliking a man who seemed to care so much about her. Maybe he was only trying to make up for everything before he died. There was nothing wrong with that. Some men never cared about the mistakes they had made in their lives; her father did. And despite everything, she knew she was going to have to give him a chance.
There was something else, too, even though she didn't like admitting it. She was going to have more time with Steve. Maybe not much. They wouldn't be together as they had been on the trail, but he'd be around. And that was something. Even though nothing lasting would ever come of it, she'd have her memories... and that was more happiness than she'd ever had before.
* * *
At first, Steve was relieved when he went downstairs and found that Lisbeth and Julius were nowhere around. But, as badly as he wanted to see about the horses, he wasn't about to leave Raven to answer the deluge of questions that was sure to come. And something told him Ned wasn't going to get around to explaining things to them any time soon. So he sat down on the porch and waited, and before long Lisbeth came out.
He started to rise, but she motioned for him to stay where he was and took the rocker beside him. "Who is she?" she asked.
As much as Steve had wanted Ned to be the one to tell it, he knew it couldn't wait any longer. "Maybe you'd better call Julius out here so I can tell you both at the same time."
She did so.
And he told them, in as few words as possible, and as he looked at them while he talked, he had the same feeling as Raven—that they already knew. "You don't seem surprised," he said when he had finished.
Julius had planned how he would react. "Actually, we guessed as much. You see, our mother told us a long time ago that she suspected there had been another woman in Ned's past. So when you went away without saying why, and the servants started talking about how Ned was having nightmares and calling out a strange name, we started wondering what was going on. Now we know. He sent you to find his illegitimate daughter, and you did."
Steve nodded soberly. "That's about the way it is. I hope you won't make things difficult for her while she's here."
Julius exchanged a quick look with Lisbeth before asking, "You mean she's not planning to stay?"
"Only till Ned's gone. She wants no part of this world."
Lisbeth could keep still no longer. "I guess not. She's a half-breed, I can tell. That hair. Her coloring. She's part Indian, for sure."
"That's right. Her mother was a full-blooded Tonkawa."
"Oh, she'd never fit in here," Lisbeth said confidently. "It's best for everybody that she leave."
"Well, Ned has other ideas about that." He stood, anxious to get to the stables. He did not want to talk about it any longer, and he couldn't do anything more for Raven. She was on her own now. "Like I said, I hope you'll be nice to her while she's around. This is all strange to her."
Julius made his eyes go wide. "Why, we wouldn't dream of being anything but cordial to her. After all, if she's Ned's daughter, this is her home too, isn't it?"
Steve nodded and went on his way but was not reassured by Julius's words. There had been something in his tone of voice, and he'd not missed the gleam in Lisbeth's eyes.
He supposed it didn't matter if Raven was determined to leave. But it needled him to realize how much he was beginning to hope she wouldn't.
Chapter 14
Steve leaned against the stall railing, his brow furrowed with concern.
Starfire was definitely off his feed. His ribs were beginning to show, and he was hollow-e
yed. Joshua, the only stable hand he trusted to help care for the expensive racking horses, had assured him that he'd given the stallion his oats and hay faithfully, and Steve believed him.
He ran his hand down Starfire's nose, but the horse tossed his head and backed away. "It's okay, boy. I know you miss your master." Ned was too weak to walk out to the stable, but Steve wondered if he might be able to make it to the porch. Starfire could be taken out on the lawn, and Ned could reach over and give him a pat and talk to him. Horses were funny. Most people didn't realize it, but they could grieve to death. Starfire had always been a one-man horse. When Ned died, it wouldn't surprise him if Starfire did too.
Steve had wanted to pay Ned a visit that morning to see how things had gone with Raven but reminded himself his job was done. If Ned needed him, he would let him know, and Steve knew it was best to keep his distance from Raven if he was going to try to stop thinking about her.
"Well, well, the wanderer is back, and he hasn't even taken the time to say a private little hello to the one who missed him the most."
Steve groaned under his breath and did not turn around. "Good morning, Lisbeth."
"I said—" she stepped closer to dance her fingers down his arm—"that you haven't said a private hello."
He stepped away from her. "I didn't see any need. I still don't."
She laughed thinly, pretending not to care because she wasn't about to throw herself at him again. "Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. It's Raven I want to talk about anyway. I'm curious to know how you were able to find her."
"It wasn't hard," he lied, not about to go into detail.
"No doubt she was living with her family." She made a face. "Filthy Indians. I'm just glad you didn't bring any of them back with you. That's all we need—Indians swarming all over Halcyon. It's embarrassing enough to have people find out my stepfather's bastard half-breed daughter has suddenly turned up like a ghoul to demand her share of his fortune without turning the lawn into a reservation."
"She didn't 'turn up,' as you put it. Ned sent for her. And it's none of your business, but she didn't want to come. I had to persuade her."
"Well, I don't imagine you had to twist her arm very hard."
"As a matter of fact, I did, but that's not important. So why don't you stop worrying about it and get to know her? The two of you might become friends."
"That will never happen, believe—"
"Good morning."
They turned to see Raven standing in the doorway, framed by the morning sun.
Noticing how they were staring at her, and how a shroud of tension seemed to have fallen the second she spoke, she thought maybe she had interrupted something. "I can come back later. I just wanted to see the horses." She turned to go.
"No, wait." Steve was relieved. She wouldn't have stood there eager as a tail-wagging puppy if she had heard anything Lisbeth had said. "You aren't interrupting a thing. I'll be glad to show you around."
Raven walked on in, a bit hesitantly.
"This is Lisbeth's mare, Belle," he said.
"Oh, she's beautiful!" Raven exclaimed, stepping up on a railing and leaning over. "I remember your telling me she's due to foal. It doesn't look like it will be much longer." She stretched to touch her belly, then frowned. "She doesn't feel quite right, though."
She jumped down, opened the gate, and went inside.
Lisbeth protested. "What do you think you're doing? That's my horse. You've no business in there. My stepfather gave her to me, and she's very special, so watch what you're doing." She knew she sounded petulant and childish but she didn't care.
Raven was too busy examining the mare to pay any mind to Lisbeth. When it came to horses and her love for them, nothing stood in her way. "It may be breech," she said worriedly. "She's lumpy in the wrong places."
"Oh, what do you know?" Lisbeth snapped.
Steve did not intervene. He figured Raven had got herself into this situation, and it wasn't up to him to get her out. Besides, she seemed to know what she was talking about.
"I know about horses," she informed Lisbeth with aplomb. "I know about foaling... giving birth."
"Really?" Lisbeth could not resist a malicious glance at Steve. "Well, maybe you can assist Selena Leroux when she has her baby. She's the daughter of one of the overseers, and her father is furious because she won't tell who's responsible for her disgraceful condition, but everyone has their suspicions."
"I know—about who she is and how she's having a baby, I mean," Raven added.
Lisbeth cocked her head in surprise. "Oh, do you now? And how is that?"
"Steve stopped and talked to her as we were coming in yesterday."
Lisbeth looked at him, eyes narrowing. "So you found time to say hello to Selena."
He flashed a grin. "Of course. She's my friend."
Raven was still preoccupied with examining the mare, and the barbs being exchanged by Lisbeth and Steve slipped past her. She rose, gave the mare a pat, and left the stall. "If she has trouble and you want me to help, let me know," she told Steve, not looking at him. Then, turning to the opposite stall, she cried, "Oh, is this Starfire?" and ran to stand on the next-to-top railing so she could lean way over and pat his head. "I can see why they named you that. You're red as fire, and that mark on your forehead really is shaped like a star. You're beautiful. Will you let me ride you sometime?"
As if he could understand what she said, Starfire gave a mighty toss of his head to knock away her hand, then stamped backward before rearing up on his hind legs to paw the air in warning that she should not come any closer.
Steve grabbed Raven by her waist and pulled her down. "Your father would have my hide if I let you get anywhere near that horse and you were hurt. He will never let you ride him, and don't you dare even think about trying."
Lisbeth did not miss the way Steve's hands seemed to linger a few seconds longer than necessary as he helped Raven down. It dawned on her that there might be something going on between them. After all, they'd been unchaperoned for quite a while.
"He looks like he's starving," Raven said of Starfire, concerned as she saw his bony sides.
"He is. He's doing it to himself." Steve pointed at the bucket of oats, the hay-littered floor of the stall. "He's got food, he just misses Ned."
"Maybe he just needs to know someone else really cares what happens to him." She reached through the railing, dipped her hand into the oat bucket before Steve could stop her, and stepped up on the side of the stall again.
"Raven, don't."
He reached for her but paused to notice how Starfire had begun to twitch his ears and wriggle his nose as though he might be interested.
"Oh, get her away from there," Lisbeth said, exasperated.
But Steve allowed her to stay right where she was, because, to his amazement, Starfire started eating right out of her hand. "I don't believe it!"
Happily, Raven allowed him to eat all the oats, then scooped up another handful, and another, till he finally stopped. "See?" she cried in triumph, getting down and dusting her hands on her skirt. "He just needs coaxing, that's all."
"I have coaxed. So has Joshua. We've practically got down on our knees."
"Oh, pooh, that's silly," Lisbeth scoffed. "If he gets hungry, he'll eat. Whoever heard of begging a horse to do anything?" She turned to go. "I'm going back to the house. It's dusty and hot in here. Smells bad, too."
Steve was glad to see her go, but Raven called, "Lisbeth, wait. I was hoping we could go for a ride together." She had made up her mind to do her best to try and make friends with her and was disappointed when she just kept on going.
Steve saw how her shoulders slumped, and his heart went out to her. "Give it time. You have to remember finding out about you after all these years has been quite a shock to everybody."
She murmured that she knew that, then contented herself with watching Steve as he went about making sure the horses were all properly shod. He didn't offer to make conversation and neither did sh
e. She had lain awake most of the night before thinking that maybe he had been right: she didn't have anything to lose by staying till her father died. It would be an experience to remember for always. She had also decided it was something her mother would have wanted her to do—to try and make Ned's last days happy regardless of past resentments.
She had been pleasantly surprised to discover what a pleasant sort of fellow he seemed to be. Their first meeting had been brief, but she had found warmth in his lackluster eyes and she had no doubt he wanted to spend every possible moment he could with her. Probably he had it in mind to ask a million questions about her mother, rekindling his own memories as well as his apparently never-ending love.
Finally, Steve yielded to his curiosity. "How did it go yesterday? Was meeting your father as bad as you thought it would be?"
"It was awkward. But he seems like a kind man."
"How do you feel about him now?"
She reached for a piece of straw from the floor and began to chew on it absently. "I'm not sure."
"If your mother were alive, do you think she would believe him?"
The corners of her mouth lifted wistfully. "Oh, yes. And if he had suddenly appeared in our lives, I'm sure she'd have wanted to go away with him, which would have killed Seth."
"Well, I guess that's how it is when you love somebody."
They stood a moment, both feeling uncomfortable. Steve was the first to speak. "I've got some chores to do before I leave for Mobile to take the carriage back, so I'd better get busy. Do you want me to get Diablo for you? I can have Joshua ride with you since you don't know your way around yet."
"No, I'll wait." She hesitated, then had to know, "Why can't you send someone else to Mobile with the carriage?"
Not suspecting how her heart ached to think he was actually using the trip as an excuse to visit the whores at the waterfront again, he said, "Oh, I'd rather do it myself. I always enjoy a night in town."
She knew she had to get away lest he suspect her feelings were hurt. She threw down the straw she'd been chewing and forced herself to say brightly, "Well, have a nice time. Thanks for showing me around."
Simply Heaven Page 13