by Denise Bower
I pushed away from the wall and twirled around in circles, watching Carter as I moved.
“Thank you for reminding me,” Carter said. “Everyone thinks I’m good to go.”
My stomach knotted and my lungs didn’t seem to work quite as well.
“That’s great.” I wheezed and managed a weak smile. I clenched my jaw and balled my hands into fists to keep the tornado of emotions inside and hidden from him. He never said we were anything but a convenience.
He stepped on the ice and skated toward me. I backed up until I hit the boards.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
“My job,” I said, feeling a bit perplexed. “If you’re secretly hinting at a return to competition, my responsibilities lie with the Ravens.
“Maybe you could do both,” he said.
“Johan would never go for that, nor would management.”
“Have you asked?”
“No, it’s—”
He placed a finger on my lips to silence me and raised his eyebrows.
“Nothing is impossible,” he whispered. “Just think about it. You have all the same jumps and spins as the girl who’s on top right now. I think you’re better.”
We skated a couple laps before I let him talk me into doing a couple of tricks. When we completed a throw triple loop, Cam let out a loud whoop and then swore at Carter.
“I had everything under control,” Carter said.
“You’re in hockey skates,” Cam shot back.
“Woohoo,” Shelby shouted. “Do it again.”
“Don’t encourage them,” Cam said.
“You guys are supposed to be gone,” I said.
“We were sidetracked.” Sawyer held up a cupcake.
“Hey, Vika.” Carter tugged on my sleeve. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
He leaned forward and kissed my cheek, making me shiver with want and feel slightly embarrassed. This was his first public display of affection.
Shelby whistled and made obscene kissing noises. Carter took off after her, threatening to mess up her hair. She ran, squealing and pleading for help as she raced down the tunnel. It took him about three steps to catch her, but Sawyer jumped in front of her, pretending to shield her from harm.
“You wanna have a go, Soy Sauce?” Carter teased when Sawyer balled his hands into fists and punched the air.
Carter laughed and knocked Sawyer’s hat off his head, which made Sawyer shriek and flail his arms. Alex barked at everyone to knock it off. They all lined up against the wall and saluted Alex as he passed them.
“For fuck’s sake. We just saw the Stanley Cup. Show some respect,” Alex said.
“We aren’t in a church, you dumbass,” Carter said.
Alex huffed but Carter put him in a headlock, and soon Alex’s laughter joined the rest of the group as they headed toward the exit.
I was thankful for the quiet.
The guys were packing the Cup back into its crate when I entered the locker room. “Do you need any help?” I asked.
“No, we’re good,” they said.
They picked up the crate and loaded it onto a cart while I held the door open.
“I believe this is yours.” He handed me my medal.
I followed them to the door and waited while one of the guys went to get the car.
“Thanks again,” I said.
He nodded and dragged the cart into the falling snow.
I pulled the door shut, shuddering when a blast of wind hit me. I jogged through the arena, turned off lights, and checked doors to make sure everything was locked tight.
When I ended up near the ice again, I felt the urge to skate. I shot a quick text to explain why I wouldn’t be home right away.
It had been a long day and I was curious what Carter thought about tonight, but my mind was also full of other things. Seeing my medal with the Cup and admitting I skated because I loved it, had lit a fire in my gut.
The music wound around me, cocooning me in both sadness and joy. I didn’t know how to deal with everything. Did I want to return to the world of figure skating and leave behind the Ritchfield Ravens and everything I had built here? And what about Carter? He’d wormed his way into my heart when I wasn’t paying attention. I tightened the laces on my boots and sighed.
Carter had stirred things in me I didn’t know existed, making me dream of possibilities I had never entertained. But he would be gone soon. The NHL was calling, and he would return to the Hawks bigger and better than before. And where would that leave me?
I wasn’t supposed to fall for him or become so invested in his future that it affected mine. I hated him for making me want him both on and off the ice, and I despised him for making me miss skating. But with every beat of my heart, I was falling hard and fast for the guy, and the idea of returning to the world of figure skating was firmly implanted in my brain.
My blades dug into the ice as I moved across the glistening surface, rising and falling with the beat of the music. I shut out everything and skated, soaring to new heights when I jumped and reached new speeds as I spun.
“Fuck,” I said as I turned backward and picked up speed. Suddenly someone grabbed my hand, pulling me close and matching my strides. A smile spread across my face, but it quickly vanished when I realized it wasn’t Carter.
I should’ve stopped, protested, told him to get fucked, but the moves were familiar and comfortable. I let him steer me around the ice, following directions as he whispered the steps.
When the music stopped, he held me tightly, and I let him because right now, I needed someone familiar. He caressed my cheek with his knuckles.
“I’ve missed you,” Viktor said. “Please look at me.”
“Why?” I asked.
He brushed his fingers over my lips, pleading with me to open my eyes. “It’s not working out with Chelsea. It’s not the same. She’s not you.”
At that comment I opened my eyes. “And you think I give a shit? Viktor, you dumped me. This was your choice. You flipped my life upside down.”
“I’m so sorry.” He laced his fingers with mine and stepped into my personal space, planting a gentle kiss on the side of my mouth. I knew this was his way of giving me a chance to skate away from him.
Maybe it was because I was tired of being confused with everyone shouting opinions in both ears. Stay. Go. Do both. Or maybe I just needed to see if there was anything between us anymore. I opened to Viktor and let him kiss me.
The moment was interrupted by a loud bang somewhere in the background, but when I glanced over Viktor’s shoulder, I didn’t see anything. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He glided backward until he bumped into the boards.
“I guess that’s a no,” he said.
“It’s a no,” I answered.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for how I handled our breakup.”
“You’re a little fucking late, so it’s not worth much.” I hung my head and jabbed my pick into the ice.
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
I twirled in a circle before launching into an axel. “I don’t know?”
“I’ve heard rumors. Want to show me?”
I stopped and eyed him. “Rumors about what?”
“Whatever happens in this rink, stays here,” he said. “I won’t say anything to anyone.”
“Why should I believe you?”
He sighed. “I know I don’t deserve anything from you.”
“No, you don’t, but for some weird reason, I feel like skating. I think that damn Cup has special powers or something.”
Viktor jumped up on the boards and sat down.
I scrolled through the songs until I came to the one I wanted. In some ways, I think it was my subtle way of letting him go.
“Fuck,” I mumbled. It seemed to be my word of choice for the evening. The music started and I skated.
The further into the program I made it, the better I was skating. I added a tripl
e-triple and heard Viktor gasp. I finished with a beautiful death drop into a scratch spin. When I came to a stop, Viktor was grinning.
“Holy shit, Vika!”
“I think I found my joy again.”
He handed me a bottle of water and a towel. “That was goodbye, wasn’t it?” he said sadly. “You don’t need me anymore.”
I nodded and turned from him so he couldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. We’d been together a long time, but it was time to end it.
“We had a good run, Viktor.”
“I am so sorry, for everything. Not that my opinion matters, but you really should consider skating again. That program was beautiful, and you’re jumping better than ever.”
He swung his legs over the boards, picked up his bag, and headed down the tunnel. I watched as my past and my childhood left with him.
To ease the pain, I skated harder, gathering enough speed to complete a perfect triple Lutz, triple toe.
I stayed on the ice for another half hour.
Chapter 14
My apartment was quiet when I slipped inside. I flipped on the kitchen light and looked around the room. The familiar bags and boxes stacked haphazardly around the room, along with piles of discarded clothing, were still in place, but something was different, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I dropped my keys in the bowl, shed my coat, and tiptoed into the bedroom, where I expected to find Carter sound asleep, but the bed was empty. I turned on the bathroom light and immediately noticed the counter was free of his shaving kit, his toothbrush, and his other toiletries. My stomach twisted uncomfortably, and I felt light-headed.
I raced into the living room, looking for any discarded hoodies or jeans or socks. The only things I found belonged to me. I dug my phone out of my pocket and stared at it, hoping to see a missed call or an unread message flashing. There was nothing.
I dialed Sawyer.
“Doll? What the hell? Where are you?”
“Sawyer.” His name came out as a low whine.
He must have fumbled his phone because I heard a loud clunk along with muffled swearing. “What’s wrong?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. Is Carter over there?” I squeaked out.
“No. He—”
I cleared my throat. “His things are gone.”
“I’ll be right over,” Sawyer said.
I barely had time to walk to the door before Sawyer was hammering on it. I chewed on my fingernail and wandered to the couch as he strode into the room, eyeing me.
He sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.
“Doll?”
“I don’t know?” I pulled my knees to my chest, clutching tightly. “It’s been one fucked up night.”
“What happened?”
“After you guys left, I decided to skate. I needed to unwind. My head was so full. I sent Carter a text, telling him where I was.”
“Carter got tired of waiting for you, so he went back to the arena to find you. He said he talked to you.”
“What?” I gasped. “He came back? Oh shit, shit, shit.”
“What happened?”
“It wasn’t Carter on the ice with me. Viktor showed up and….” I slapped my hand over my mouth to deaden the whine building up in my throat.
“You’re scaring me,” Sawyer said.
“Viktor and I skated and then he kissed me. I let him kiss me. And I thought I heard something. ”
“Are you getting back with Viktor?” Sawyer almost shrieked.
“No. He said something about it not working out with Chelsea, but I don’t want to go back. This thing with Carter is good, but I doubt we … well, I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
Sawyer patted my back as I started to hyperventilate.
“Call him,” Sawyer said. “Explain to him that you let Viktor go.”
I hung my head and closed my eyes. Things change. People come and go, and Carter needed to go.
“I’m thinking about talking to management and Johan about the possibility of skating in the US Nationals,” I said.
“What?”
“I’d have to get an exemption from the USFSA to compete. Do you think the board would grant me one?”
“What?”
“Did you lose your hearing?”
“What?”
“Stop it,” I whined.
“I’m stunned, confused, maybe slightly turned on because you said something about competing. Did I mention I’m confused? Are you serious about the skating? What the fuck? You can’t spring all this stuff on me. Are you on drugs?”
“I’m not on drugs. Can you just look into it for me? And don’t tell anyone.”
“Sure. I’ll make some calls,” he said. “Are you positive you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”
“Want me to stay?”
“No, it’s late. I’m going to crash.”
“I’ll keep my phone close,” he said and hugged me tightly. For a few moments, I clung to him, absorbing his warmth and fighting to keep everything inside. He kissed the top of my head and slowly untangled from me.
When he left, I paced around the apartment making sure I didn’t miss anything, but the hard, cruel fact was Carter was gone. I stood in the bedroom, staring at the unmade bed and trying to erase the last few days from my mind.
“Dammit,” I growled and pulled all the bedding off the bed. His scent lingered in the air and the memories of the last few evenings in the bed haunted me. There was no way I was sleeping surrounded by it. I scooped up the sheets, rushed to the washing machine, and stuffed as much inside as I could.
With the machine running, I curled up on the couch and cried.
The next morning I found Shelby sitting outside my door, cradling her phone in her hands.
“Carter left,” she said.
“Yep.”
“We were going to have a little party to celebrate his call-up, but when he came back from the rink, he packed his stuff and left. He barely had time to say goodbye,” she said. “What happened?”
“It was time for him to go.” I bit my lip, desperately trying to stop the urge to burst into tears.
“Don’t talk to me like I don’t understand how hockey works. He was excited about getting the call and thrilled about seeing the Cup, but when he came back from the arena, he was upset. Did you say something to him?”
“No, I didn’t talk to him.”
“You’re hiding something,” she said with a scowl.
I swallowed, and for a few seconds, I considered confessing what happened. I shook my head. I didn’t need to burden Shelby with my issues. “Look we can sit around and say woe is me or we can go to the rink and skate like maniacs.”
“Fine. Don’t talk to me. I vote for skating,” she said through clenched teeth.
The minute she climbed into my car, she shoved her earbuds in and ignored me. When we arrived at the rink, she jumped out of the car and raced into the arena. I sighed and debated actually telling her what happened.
Only a few people were wandering around the building. The guys didn’t have skate until later in the day, so we had plenty of time to warm up and run through her programs before hockey players overran us.
The arena was always chilly, but the way Shelby kept looking at me gave me the shivers. She barely smiled, keeping everything strictly business. I had her do both programs and she skated almost perfectly. When she finished, she leaned against the boards and stared at me. I could feel her anger.
“Are you leaving too?” she asked.
“No, but I might compete at Nationals. Sawyer is making some calls on my behalf. I appreciate if you told no one.”
I was expecting her to be thrilled, but she clenched her jaw and sighed. I didn’t know why she seemed so upset with me. I was saved from confronting her when we heard voices coming down the tunnel. When the guys spotted me, they groaned.
“I thought this was an easy skate?” Alex whined.
“I’m not staying,” I said. “The ice is yours. Johan said you’re working on getting the puck out of the neutral zone. The next three games are important.”
Shelby whispered something to Alex, who immediately shot a glare at me. I cringed and stepped to the side to avoid being barreled over by a bunch of hockey players. I avoided looking at them and squirmed away if anyone tried to touch me.
Even Johan paused, but I mumbled something about talking to him later. When he blew his whistle and shouted at the guys, I knew I was in the clear. Shelby had disappeared, and I assumed she had gone to find Sawyer.
I leaned against the wall, squatted down, and held my head in my hands for a few minutes. It was difficult not to think of Carter at this moment.
“Victoria?”
I glanced up and looked into the warm eyes of Hank. He held out his hand for me to grasp and pulled me to my feet.
“I need a shower. I’ll help you when I’m done,” I said.
Instead of saying anything, he swept me into a crushing hug. I had to blink several times to prevent any tears from falling. He let go of me and stalked down the hall without a word.
“Fuck,” I muttered and headed for the showers, where I hoped I could drown away some of my sadness.
After way too long under the hot spray, all I had managed to do was end up with wrinkled skin.
To make matters worse, Johan had sent me a text, telling me that he had scheduled a mandatory team weight-lifting session after practice. I had no desire to be in a room surrounded by hockey players, but it was unavoidable.
A crazy laugh slipped out of my mouth as I headed to the weight room to work off some of my anxiety. The team slowly trickled into the room, cutting a large path around me, but Matt begged for help. He had a sore calf muscle and needed help stretching. I settled against him and warned him not to ask any questions.
The guys worked hard, and all the grunts and groans took my mind off my misery for about an hour. Cam called an end to the session and told everyone to get lost.
“Bossy,” I said. “And before you start in on me, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s not healthy to keep everything bottled up,” he said.