Brys stepped forward. ‘About the army.’
‘Oh, it’s always about the army with you. Order more boots.’
‘That’s just it—I need more money.’
‘Bugg, give him more money.’
‘How much, sire?’
‘Whatever he needs for the boots and whatnot.’
‘It’s not boots,’ said Brys. ‘It’s training.’
‘They’re going to train without boots? Extraordinary.’
‘I want to make use of these Malazans quartered in our city. These “marines.” And their tactics. I want to reinvent the entire Letherii military. I want to hire the Malazan sergeants.’
‘And does their Adjunct find this acceptable?’
‘She does. Her soldiers are getting bored and that’s not good.’
‘I imagine not. Do we know when they’re leaving?’
Brys frowned. ‘You’re asking me? Why not ask her?’
‘Ah, the agenda is set for the next meeting, then.’
‘Shall I inform the Adjunct?’ Bugg asked.
Tehol rubbed his chin, and then nodded. ‘That would be wise, yes, Bugg. Very wise. Well done.’
‘What about my petition?’ demanded Rucket. ‘I got dressed up and everything!’
‘I will take it under advisement.’
‘Great. How about a Royal Kiss in the meantime?’
Tehol fidgeted on his throne.
‘Airy aplomb shrinking, husband? Clearly, it knows better than you that there are limits to my forbearance.’
‘Well,’ said Rucket, ‘what about a Royal Squeeze?’
‘There’s an idea,’ said Bugg, ‘raise the taxes. On guilds.’
‘Fine,’ snapped Rucket, ‘I’m leaving. Another petition rejected by the King. Making the mob ever more restive.’
‘What mob?’ Tehol asked.
‘The one I’m about to assemble.’
‘You wouldn’t.’
‘A woman scorned, ’tis a dangerous thing, sire.’
‘Oh, give her a kiss and squeeze, husband. I’ll avert my eyes.’
Tehol leapt to his feet, and then quickly sat back down. ‘In a moment,’ he gasped.
‘Gives a new meaning to regal bearing,’ commented Bugg.
But Rucket was smiling. ‘Let’s just take that as a promissory note.’
‘And the mob?’ asked Bugg.
‘Miraculously dispersed in a dreamy sigh, O Chancellor, or whatever you are.’
‘I’m the Royal Engineers—yes, all of them. Oh, and Treasurer.’
‘And Spittoon Mangler,’ Tehol added.
The others frowned.
Bugg scowled at Tehol. ‘I’d been pleasantly distracted until you said that.’
‘Is something wrong?’ Brys asked.
‘Ah, brother,’ Tehol said, ‘we need to send you to the Adjunct—with a warning.’
‘Oh?’
‘Bugg?’
‘I’ll walk you out, Brys.’
After the two had left, Tehol glanced at Janath, and then at Rucket, and found them both still frowning. ‘What?’
‘Something we should know?’ Janath asked.
‘Yes,’ added Rucket, ‘on behalf of the Rat Catchers’ Guild, I mean.’
‘Not really,’ Tehol replied. ‘A minor matter, I assure you. Something to do with threatened gods and devastating divinations. Now, I’m ready to try for my kiss and squeeze—no, wait. Some deep breathing first. Give me a moment—yes, no, wait.’
‘Shall I talk about my embroidery?’ Janath asked.
‘Yes, that sounds perfect. Do proceed. Be right there, Rucket.’
Lieutenant Pores opened his eyes. Or tried to, only to find them mostly swollen shut. But through the blurry slits he made out a figure hovering over him. A Nathii face, looking thoughtful.
‘You recognize me?’ the Nathii asked.
Pores tried to speak, but someone had bound his jaw tight. He nodded, only to find his neck was twice the normal size. Either that, he considered, or his head had shrunk.
‘Mulvan Dreader,’ the Nathii said. ‘Squad healer. You’ll live.’ He leaned back and said to someone else, ‘He’ll live, sir. Won’t be much use for a few days, though.’
Captain Kindly loomed into view, his face—consisting entirely of pinched features—its usual expressionless self. ‘For this, Lieutenant Pores, you’re going up on report. Criminal stupidity unbecoming to an officer.’
‘Bet there’s a stack a those,’ muttered the healer as he moved to depart.
‘Did you say something, soldier?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Must be my poor hearing, then.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Are you suggesting I have poor hearing, soldier?’
‘No, sir!’
‘I am certain you did.’
‘Your hearing is perfect, Captain, I’m sure of it. And that’s, uh, a healer’s assessment.’
‘Tell me,’ said Captain Kindly, ‘is there a cure for thinning hair?’
‘Sir? Well, of course.’
‘What is it?’
‘Shave your head. Sir.’
‘It looks to me as though you don’t have enough things to do, Healer. Therefore, proceed through the squads of your company to mend any and every ailment they describe. Oh, delouse the lot besides, and check for blood blisters on the testicles of the men—I am certain that’s a dread sign of something awry.’
‘Blood blisters, sir? On the testicles?’
‘The flaw in hearing seems to be yours, not mine.’
‘Uh, nothing dread or awry, sir. Just don’t pop ’em, they bleed like demons. Comes with too much riding, sir.’
‘Indeed.’
. . .
‘Healer, why are you still standing there?’
‘Sorry, sir, on my way!’
‘I shall expect a detailed report on the condition of your fellow soldiers.’
‘Aye, sir! Testicular inspection, here I go.’
Kindly leaned forward again and studied Pores. ‘You can’t even talk, can you? Unexpected mercy there. Six black wasp stings. You should be dead. Why aren’t you? Never mind. Presumably, you’ve lost the two runts. Now I’ll need to unchain that cattle-dog to find them. Tonight of all nights. Recover quickly, Lieutenant, so I can thrash your hide.’
Outside the dormitory, Mulvan Dreader paused for a moment, and then set off at a swift pace to rejoin his companions in an adjoining dorm. He entered the chamber, scanned the various soldiers lounging on cots or tossing knuckles, until he spied the wizened black face of Nep Furrow barely visible between two cots,
whereupon he marched up to the Dal Honese shaman, who was sitting crosslegged with a nasty smile on his lips.
‘I know what you done, Nep!’
‘Eh? Eggit’way fra meen!’
‘You’ve been cursin’ Kindly, haven’t you? Blood blisters on his balls!’
Nep Furrow cackled. ‘Black blibbery spoots, hah!’
‘Stop it—stop what you’re doing, damn you!’
‘Too laber! Dey doan gee’way!’
‘Maybe he should find out who’s behind it—’
‘Doan deedat! Pig! Nathii frup pahl! Voo booth voo booth!’
Mulvan Dreader stared down at the man, uncomprehending. He cast a beseeching glance over at Strap Mull the next cot along. ‘What did he just say?’
The other Dal Honese was lying on his back, hands behind his head. ‘Hood knows, some shaman tongue, I expect.’ And then added, ‘Curses, I’d wager.’
The Nathii glared back down at Nep Furrow. ‘Curse me and I’ll boil your bones, y’damned prune. Now, leave off Kindly, or I’ll tell Badan.’
‘Beedan nar’ere, izzee?’
‘When he gets back.’
‘Pahl!’
No one could claim that Preda Norlo Trumb was the most perceptive of individuals, and the half-dozen Letherii guards under his command, who stood in a twitching clump behind the Preda, were now faced with the very real possibility that Tr
umb’s stupidity was going to cost them their lives.
Norlo was scowling belligerently at the dozen or so riders. ‘War is war,’ he insisted, ‘and we were at war. People died, didn’t they? That kind of thing doesn’t go unpunished.’
The black-skinned sergeant made some small gesture with one gloved hand and crossbows were levelled. In rough Letherii he said, ‘One more time. Last time. They alive?’
‘Of course they’re alive,’ Norlo Trumb said with a snort. ‘We do things properly here. But they’ve been sentenced, you see. To death. We’ve just been waiting for an officer of the Royal Advocate to come by and stamp the seal on the orders.’
‘No seal,’ said the sergeant. ‘No death. Let them go. We take now.’
‘Even if their crimes were commuted,’ the Preda replied, ‘I’d still need a seal to release them.’
‘Let them go now. Or we kill you all.’
The Preda stared, and then turned back to his unit. ‘Draw your weapons,’ he snapped.
‘Not a chance,’ said gate-guard Fifid. ‘Sir. We even twitch towards our swords and we’re dead.’
Norlo Trumb’s face darkened in the lantern light. ‘You’ve just earned a court-martial, Fifid—’
‘At least I’ll be breathing, sir.’
‘And the rest of you?’
None of the other guards spoke. Nor did they draw their swords.
‘Get them,’ growled the sergeant from where he sat slouched on his horse. ‘No more nice.’
‘Listen to this confounded ignorant foreigner!’ Norlo Trumb turned back to the Malazan sergeant. ‘I intend to make an official protest straight to the Royal Court,’ he said. ‘And you will answer to the charges—’
‘Get.’
And to the left of the sergeant a young, oddly effeminate warrior slipped down from his horse and settled hands on the grips of two enormous falchions of some sort. His languid, dark eyes looked almost sleepy.
At last, something shivered up Trumb’s spine to curl worm-like on the back of his neck. He licked suddenly dry lips. ‘Spanserd, guide this Malazan, uh, warrior, to the cells.’
‘And?’ the guard asked.
‘And release the prisoners, of course!’
‘Yes, sir!’
Sergeant Badan Gruk allowed himself the barest of sighs—not enough to be visible to anyone—and watched with relief as the Letherii guard led Skulldeath towards the gaol-block lining one wall of the garrison compound.
The other marines sat motionless on their horses, but their tension was a stink in Badan’s nostrils, and under his hauberk sweat ran in streams. No, he’d not wanted any sort of trouble. Especially not a bloodbath. But this damned shrew-brained Preda had made it close. His heart thumped loud in his chest and he forced himself to glance back at his soldiers. Ruffle’s round face was pink and damp, but she offered him a wink before angling her crossbow upward and resting the stock’s butt on one soft thigh. Reliko was cradling his own crossbow in one arm while the other arm was stretched out to stay Vastly Blank, who’d evidently realized—finally—that there’d been trouble here in the compound, and now looked ready to start killing Letherii—once he was pointed in the right direction. Skim and Honey were side by side, their heavy assault crossbows aimed with unwavering precision at the Preda’s chest—a detail the man seemed too stupid to comprehend. The other heavies remained in the background, in ill mood for having been rousted from another drunken night in Letheras.
Badan Gruk’s scan ended on the face of Corporal Pravalak Rim, and sure enough, he saw in that young man’s features something of what he himself felt. A damned miracle. Something that’d seemed impossible to ever have believed—they’d all seen—
A heavy door clunked from the direction of the gaol.
Everyone—Malazan and Letherii—now fixed gazes on the four figures slowly approaching. Skulldeath was half-carrying his charge, and the same was true of the Letherii guard, Spanserd. The prisoners they’d just helped from their cells were in bad shape.
‘Easy, Blank,’ muttered Reliko.
‘But that’s—they—but I know them two!’
‘Aye,’ the heavy infantryman sighed. ‘We all do, Vastly.’
Neither prisoner showed any signs of having been beaten or tortured. What left them on the edge of death was simple neglect. The most effective torture of all.
‘Preda,’ said Badan Gruk, in a low voice.
Norlo Trumb turned to face him. ‘What is it now?’
‘You don’t feed them?’
‘The condemned received reduced rations, I am afraid—’
‘How long?’
‘Well, as I said, Sergeant, we have been awaiting the officer of the Royal Advocate for some time. Months and—’
Two quarrels skimmed past the Preda’s head, one on either side, and both sliced the man’s ears. He shrieked in sudden shock and fell back, landing heavily on his behind.
Badan pointed at the now cowering garrison guards. ‘No move now.’ And then he twisted in his saddle to glare at Honey and Skim. In Malazan he said, ‘Don’t even think about reloading! Shit-brained sappers!’
‘Sorry,’ said Skim, ‘I guess we both just sort’ve . . . twitched.’ And she shrugged.
Honey handed her his crossbow and dropped down from his horse. ‘I’ll retrieve the quarrels—anybody see where they ended up?’
‘Bounced and skittered between them two buildings there,’ Reliko said, pointing with his chin.
The Preda’s shock had shifted into fury. Ears streaming blood, he now staggered to his feet. ‘Attempted murder! I will see those two arrested! You’ll swim the canal for this!’
‘No understand,’ said Badan Gruk. ‘Pravalak, bring up the spare horses. We should’ve brought Dreader. I don’t think they can even ride. Flank ’em close on the way back—we’ll take it slow.’
He studied the stumbling figures leaning on their escorts. Sergeant Sinter and her sister, Kisswhere. Looking like Hood’s own soiled loincloth. But alive. ‘Gods below,’ he whispered. They are alive.
‘Aaii! My leg’s fallen off!’
Banaschar sat motionless in the chair and watched the small skeletal lizard lying on its side and spinning now in circles on the floor, one leg kicking.
‘Telorast! Help me!’
The other reptile perched on the window sill and looked down, head tilting from one side to the other, as if seeking the perfect angle of regard. ‘It’s no use, Curdle,’ it finally replied. ‘You can’t get anywhere like that.’
‘I need to get away!’
‘From what?’
‘From the fact that my leg’s fallen off!’
Telorast scampered along the sill until it was as close as it could get to Banaschar. ‘Sodden priest of wine, hssst! Look over here—the window! It’s me, the clever one. Stupid one’s down on the floor there, see her? She needs your help. No, of course you can’t make her any less stupid—we’re not discussing that here. Rather, it’s one of her legs, yes? The gut binding or whatever has broken. She’s crippled, helpless, useless. She’s spinning in circles and that’s far too poignant for us. Do you understand? O Wormlet of the Worm Goddess, O scurrier of the worship-slayer eyeless bitch of the earth! Banaschar the Drunk, Banaschar the Wise, the Wisely Drunk. Please be so kind and nimble as to repair my companion, my dear sister, the stupid one.’
‘You might know the answer to this,’ said Banaschar. ‘Listen, if life is a joke, what kind of joke? The funny ha ha kind? Or the “I’m going to puke” kind? Is it a clever joke or a stupid one that’s repeated over and over again so that even if it was funny to begin with it’s not funny any more? Is it the kind of joke to make you laugh or make you cry? How many other ways can I ask this simple question?’
‘I’m confident you can think of a few hundred more, good sir. Defrocked, detached, essentially castrated priest. Now, see those strands there? Near the unhinged leg—oh, Curdle, will you stop that spinning?’
‘I used to laugh,’ said Banaschar. ‘A l
ot. Long before I decided on becoming a priest, of course. Nothing amusing in that decision, alas. Nor in the life that followed. Years and years of miserable study, rituals, ceremonies, the rigorous exercises of magery. And the Worm of Autumn, well, she did abide, did she not? Delivered our just reward—too bad I missed out on the fun.’
‘Pitiful wretch of pointless pedantry, would you be so kind—yes, reach out and down, out and down, a little further, ah! You have it! The twine! The leg! Curdle, listen—see—stop, right there, no, there, yes, see? Salvation is in hand!’
‘I can’t! Everything’s sideways! The world pitches into the Abyss!’
‘Never mind that—see? He’s got your leg. He’s eyeing the twine. His brain stirs!’
‘There used to be drains,’ said Banaschar, holding up the skeletal leg. ‘Under the altar. To collect the blood, you see, down into amphorae—we’d sell that, you know. Amazing the stuff people will pay for, isn’t it?’
‘What’s he doing with my leg?’
‘Nothing—so far,’ replied Telorast. ‘Looking, I think. And thinking. He lacks all cleverness, it’s true. Not-Apsalar Apsalar’s left earlobe possessed more cleverness than this pickled grub. But never mind that! Curdle, use your forelimbs, your arms, I mean, and crawl closer to him—stop kicking in circles! Stop it!’
‘I can’t!’ came the tiny shriek.
And round and round Curdle went.
‘Old blood out, shiny coins in. We’d laugh at that, but it wasn’t the happy kind of laugh. More like disbelief, and yes, more than a little cynicism regarding the inherent stupidity of people. Anyway, we ended up with chests and chests of riches—more than you could even imagine. Vaults filled to bursting. You could buy a lot of laughs with that, I’m sure. And the blood? Well, as any priest will tell you, blood is cheap.’
‘Please oh please, show the mercy your ex-goddess so despised. Spit in her face with a gesture of goodwill! You’ll be amply rewarded, yes, amply!’
‘Riches,’ Banaschar said. ‘Worthless.’
‘Different reward, we assure you. Substantial, meaningful, valuable, timely.’
He looked up from his study of the leg and eyed Telorast. ‘Like what?’
The reptile’s skeleton head bobbed. ‘Power, my friend. More power than you can imagine—’
The Complete Malazan Book of the Fallen Page 824