by Jay Quinn
Chapter Five
PEBBLES IN PLANTATION was Maura’s favorite restaurant. It was there she’d agreed to meet Matt for dinner when he’d called that afternoon to see if Kai had arrived. He’d insinuated that it was perfectly okay if Kai wanted to join them, so Maura had asked, but Kai declined. By three that afternoon he was showing his fatigue from the long drive and claimed he’d rather meet his mother’s boyfriend when he was in better shape. Maura agreed. She wanted them to like each other and she was really rather relieved that meeting wasn’t going to occur immediately.
When Maura left the house, Kai was still awake and voluble, though he had been drinking coffee all afternoon. He was running on a sort of manic adrenaline rush that she recognized for what it was, and it did concern her. However, she was far more interested in how Kai was thinking of earning a living and how long he planned to stay with her. She left to meet Matt for dinner feeling cautiously better after hearing of his plans and looking at a portfolio of his recent trim work on his laptop.
Matt was waiting for her at the bar when she walked into the restaurant. He waved at her and mimed a drinking motion. In answer she nodded her head vigorously before she answered the hostess’s query as to whether or not she’d like to be seated. After telling her she was meeting someone at the bar, she made her way to where Matt was sitting and sat on the stool beside him. Almost immediately, the bartender sat a Stoli Strawberry on the rocks in front of her and Matt leaned toward her for a quick kiss.
Maura responded first to Matt’s kiss and then took a nice long sip of her vodka. Matt’s reassuring presence and the sweetish astringent taste of alcohol had a good effect. She felt a slackening of the tension she didn’t know she was holding between her shoulder blades.
“Thanks, Matt. I don’t know which I needed more, you or the drink,” she sighed.
“So it’s going to be just you and me, then?” Matt asked.
Maura nodded and said, “Kai’s looking forward to meeting you, but he said after driving all night and talking all afternoon, he really would rather crash,” Maura explained.
“That’s understandable,” Matt agreed. “To tell you the truth, I’m sort of relieved myself.”
“Really?” Maura asked. “Whatever for?”
Matt grinned but answered carefully, “Well, he is your son and I am sleeping with his mother. I don’t know if it would be more or less awkward if he wasn’t an adult himself.”
Maura smiled and slipped her hand in his as it rested on the bar. “You don’t have anything to worry about. For one, I think he’s pleased I’ve found someone after all these years, and secondly he’s so self-absorbed as a rule that he’d never give you a hassle,” Maura admitted.
“So, is he in any kind of trouble? What’s brought him boomeranging home this time?” Matt asked as he nursed his own drink.
Maura thoughtfully gathered up the paper napkin her glass rested on around the sides of the glass and took another sip of vodka. Carefully, she weighed exactly what and how much to tell Matt. Part of her wanted to be completely honest with him and explain Kai’s complicated reasons for coming home, but part of her warned that Matt was a potential work resource for Kai, and she knew the facts of his homosexual love interest and current mental state weren’t promising references for her son.
“He’s been off his meds,” she replied honestly enough. She had long ago explained Kai’s bipolar condition to Matt. It was an inextricable fact of her past and present, far too important a detail to keep from this man she’d fallen in love with. “And winters are really hard on him,” she said. “Then too, this current housing crash has hit the beach up there as hard as it has here. It didn’t look to be a great winter for a trim carpenter.”
Matt tilted back his glass and drained it. Before he could set it down on the bar in front of him, the bartender appeared with a questioning look. It was a slow night, so he was particularly attentive. Matt held his hand over the top of his glass and shook his head at the barman before giving Maura a quick glance and saying, “It doesn’t look too promising down here either. I’ve laid off staff and have cut sub-contractors loose left and right.”
“Kai understands that,” Maura told him. “But he’s not any regular trim carpenter. Do you know what his last job was?”
“I have no idea,” Matt replied reservedly.
“He was hired simply to frame and hang fifteen solid walnut interior doors. They were going in a multi-million-dollar house, and because there was absolutely no room for error because the doors themselves were so expensive, they hired Kai to do it,” Maura explained with a note of pride in her voice.
Matt nodded, impressed but still told her, “That’s pretty rarified work. It takes a while to build up that kind of reputation down here. Does he have any pictures of his work?”
Maura paused, her glass on its way to her lips, and said, “He has a whole portfolio prepared on his laptop that he’s going to print out and bind for presentations. He plans to make appointments with only custom home builders, interior designers and architects. He has a whole self-marketing plan.”
“Pretty ambitious,” Matt commented. “Does he have any money to live on until this work starts coming in?”
Maura set her glass down, feeling the liquor soothe her anxiety over Kai’s prospects. Matt had not laughed out loud at his plans, and that was encouraging. “He has a few thousand in savings. He’s even offered to pay me rent and give me money for groceries for as long as he stays home,” she told him earnestly, aware that she was painting the best possible picture of her son.
“I hope you accepted his offer,” Matt told her. “After all, he is an adult.”
“I did,” Maura assured him, not elaborating on the meager amount she’d countered with. The truth was she’d rather give Kai free room and board if it meant she wouldn’t eventually have to come up with his truck and car insurance payments, not to mention pay for his visits to Dr. Roth and the medications that would come as a result. Kai had been off her own health care plan since he’d ceased being a full-time student. She knew how much he’d need to resume treatment under Dr. Roth’s care, and it wasn’t a trifling amount.
“Well, I look forward to seeing his work,” Matt said encouragingly. “I might know of some people to refer him to if his work is as good as you say.”
Maura gave him a warm smile and said, “I couldn’t ask you for more than that.”
Matt nodded and then asked if she was hungry. Maura told him she was and he caught the bartender’s eye and asked for the check. Maura only watched as he left some bills on the bar to cover the tab and stood as he took her elbow in his palm, urged her up from her bar stool and on toward the hostess. In a matter of moments they were settled at a familiar table under the supervision of a favored waiter. As regulars, they were treated promptly and well. It was turning out to be exactly the kind of evening Maura needed.
Their conversation switched to other, lighter, topics as they ate. It was only after Maura refused an after-dinner coffee that Matt looked at her and asked, “So, does Kai plan on going back on his meds? I mean, knowing what I do of his circumstances; that has to be in his best interest, don’t you think?”
Maura wiped her lips primly with the cloth napkin, then said, “He’s already assured me he plans to go to see Dr. Roth, his old psychiatrist. I’m urging him to do exactly that.”
“Why did he go off his meds in the first place?” Matt asked curiously. “From what you’ve told me, I understand he’s been on one kind or medication or another since he was nine years old. It’s like being a diabetic, it seems. Why go off the medication if you know you’ll get sick?”
Maura sighed. It was difficult to explain the effects of the medication to someone who’d never known anyone bipolar. For someone who cycled as rapidly as Kai did, “normal” meant feeling electrically alive. Even the deep and paralyzing sadness had a certain beauty to it to Kai, though it was a really harsh and private beauty. Maura thought for a moment to try to find a wa
y to explain this to Matt. Finally, she said, “Matt, have you ever taken as much as a Valium?”
Matt laughed at this, then replied, “Not since I was in college, and that was thirty years ago. I did Quaaludes once and that was enough for me. I don’t like feeling so out of it. Hell, I don’t even drink that much.”
Maura knew this was true. While he wasn’t a teetotaler, she had never seen Matt as much as tipsy in their nearly two years together. “It’s hard to explain why Kai gobs off his meds sometimes, but from what I understand, being medicated all the time has its drawbacks. He’s always been high-functioning, despite his personal challenges. It’s just that sometimes I think he rebels against the notion that he needs to be drugged for the world’s benefit. For him, his feelings are genuine, though they can become debilitating if things get bad.”
“So what you’re saying is Kai doesn’t see himself as crazy,” Matt said gently.
“Essentially, no. He’s never had a history of violence against anyone but himself. Kai says he knows how to deal with being himself by now,” Maura told him.
“So why go back to see this Dr. Roth, then?” Matt asked, honestly confused.
“I’m not doing a very good job of explaining this,” Maura said sadly. “It’s just, you have to understand, his mental illness is like a fire—sometimes it’s all flames and smoke, other times it’s just embers, glowing hot under the surface. The trouble comes when something—anything makes those embers flare up again.” Maura shook her head and looked Matt in the eye, “The worst thing is it never gets any better. The fact is it’ll get worse as he grows older. He knows this. He accepts the fact he’ll need to be medicated as long as he lives, if he wants to have what you or I would call a normal life.”
Matt nodded sympathetically and said, “As if we know what’s normal anymore.” He reached across the table and took her hand in his and said, “I just know my life is better and more normal since I’ve been with you.”
Maura squeezed his hand and whispered, “Thanks.”
“No. I mean it. I’m not just trying to flatter you,” Matt replied. “My marriage was a nightmare. I never knew it could be so easy loving someone. Now I know, thanks to you.” With that, he leaned across the table to lift and kiss the back of her hand.
Unashamed in the very public space of the uncrowded dining room, Maura lifted her other hand to reach across the table and stroke Matt’s cheek. “I feel the same way, Matt. My record before you isn’t the best. But you’re easy to love,” she told him.
Matt let go of her hand after gently squeezing it in reply, and settled back into the comfort of his side of the booth. “I hope you still think so when I tell you I’m going back to my place for a couple of days,” he said quietly.
Maura withdrew her hand and let it rest in her lap. In a way, his announcement wasn’t unexpected, but it still stung a bit. She had grown used to his presence in her home and in her bed. For a moment she started to protest, but caught herself before she could respond with the resounding no that filled her thoughts at the moment.
“I want to give Kai a few days to get used to being back home before I barge in. I’m so used to being the alpha dog that I don’t want to make him feel like I’m a bastard,” Matt admitted honestly.
“Matt, it really doesn’t matter,” Maura responded quickly. “Kai is not that fragile. In fact, he’s anxious to meet you. He told me you must be something pretty special to make me so happy.”
“That’s good to hear,” Matt replied with a reassuring smile. “Still, it’s been weeks since I spent more than a night at home. Let’s take a couple of nights off and plan on me coming back to your place on Wednesday night for dinner. I’ll come over and I just won’t leave. We’ll treat it as something perfectly natural. We might as well start the way we intend to continue if he’s going to be around for awhile,” he told her reasonably.
Maura nodded. She saw the good sense in what he was saying, but she still felt some pangs of both jealousy and regret. Still, she brightened and forced herself to smile. “We’ll see each other tomorrow night anyway. That is, if you’re planning to go to the general meeting of the builders’ association.”
“I was planning on skipping it,” Matt admitted. “But I’ll go if you want me to.”
Maura wanted him to, though she didn’t want to admit it. “No. If you were planning on skipping out, I might too. I really need to get back to the office tomorrow and if I don’t go to the general meeting, I’ll have some more time with Kai alone before you come back Wednesday night.”
Matt nodded, then said, “Sounds like a plan, then. Will you miss me a little?”
Maura smiled at him and said, “I’ll miss you a lot actually. I’m not used to sleeping alone anymore.”
“Well, we can rough it for a couple of nights,” Matt assured her, then added, “Don’t worry. I’ll call.”
That said, Matt managed to catch their waiter’s eye and motioned for the check. The young man appeared quickly with the check in its leatherette-bound book. Matt glanced at it perfunctorily, then reached for his wallet and drew out a credit card. He placed the card in the book and handed it back to the waiter who disappeared as unobtrusively as he’d appeared.
“Thanks for dinner,” Maura said warmly. “Thanks too for being so wonderful about Kai.”
Matt made a masculine motion of dismissal with his right hand and said, “Nothing to thank me for yet, my dear. I just want you to know I’m not going to let that son of yours turn our lives upside down. For the first time in years, I’m happy. I intend to stay happy and keep you happy too.”
Maura sighed in simple pleasure tinged with relief. “So we’re good?”
“Absolutely,” Matt told her, and she felt he meant it.
Maura was tired as she drove the familiar route home. For her, it had been an unusually fraught day. Though she hadn’t really expected Matt to follow her home in his car, she couldn’t help but feel some disappointment that he didn’t. However, her recognition of her emotional fatigue made her realize she was relieved as well. She was glad she wasn’t going to have to introduce Kai to her boyfriend after the day she’d had already. There was time enough now for her to fully explain the extent to which her life was intertwined with Matt’s. She honestly didn’t believe he’d make a big deal of it, but there was a nagging sense that it wasn’t going to be as easy as she hoped.
She drove through the busy streets between Plantation and Sunrise thinking she certainly couldn’t fault Matt for her reservations about integrating Kai into their lives. Matt had made it very clear, in word and deed, that she shouldn’t be concerned on his account. She felt a pang of guilt about not being totally forthcoming about the details of Kai’s sudden relocation, but in a way she had protected his privacy. Her son was an adult, though his immediate actions impinged on her life as they had when he was a child. As an adult, he deserved to have his privacy. Still, Maura wondered how he was going to resolve his relationship with Robin and go about rebuilding his life in this world of his childhood.
Turning from Pine Island Drive onto Oakland Park Boulevard and nearing home, Maura decided the best thing she could do was to try and remember Kai’s larger sense of self-preservation. No matter his mental state, he’d always landed on his feet. He had as many lives as a cat, though he’d never tested the farthest limit of self-destruction since he had slit his wrists as a child. Maura shuddered, recalling dressing the stitched insides of his forearms as he stood before her with a complete air of detachment. It had been as if he had reached a place where he had so disassociated himself from what was really happening to him that it was as if he was watching his life like one does a television show. Ever since that time so long ago, she’d seen Kai’s detachment from himself and others grow in exact proportion to the nearness of catastrophe he stood.
Dropping everything, packing his truck and dog to come home to her was a signal to Maura of exactly how desperate Kai was. He’d seen how close he was to the edge and had suddenly a
nd severely cut himself off from everything that was threatening him. That unfortunately included Robin, to whom he’d vocalized a real connection that he’d never demonstrated before to anyone.
Maura found the window control on her arm rest and lowered her car window to the reassuring rush of air outside. She drove confidently, steering with one hand, while she pushed her hair away from her face as she let the wind dispel her discomfort over Kai. She assured herself he’d be okay, that everything would be okay. She could get through this and so could he.
By the time she returned home, Maura found herself glad of the company of her son waiting for her. She found him sitting on the sofa with a bottle of water carefully placed on a coaster on the table beside him, watching television. The ashtray by his bottle of water was nearly full, but other than that, everything seemed fine. Heidi didn’t even stir from his side where she lay on the sofa next to him as Maura walked into the great room. “I’m back,” she said when he didn’t break his long stare at the television’s screen.
Slowly Kai looked away from the television and gave her a polite smile. “How was your dinner?” He asked perfunctorily.
“Delicious. We went to Pebbles. I had the duck with wild mushrooms,” Maura told him cheerfully.
“Excellent,” Kai replied as he stroked Heidi’s long side. “Matt didn’t come home with you? I thought you guys were practically living together.”
Maura strode past her son and sat down at the other end of the sofa, the place she normally called her own. As she made herself comfortable and tucked a small pillow at the small of her back, she said, “No. Not tonight. Matt wanted to give you some time to get acclimated before he comes back.”
Kai drew a cigarette from his pack and looked questioningly at his mother. “Cigarette?”