by Jay Quinn
The fact was, he had made a home with Robin in the past year. In the little house on pilings in Wrights Shores, he’d learned how secure and happy his life could be if he allowed himself to feel deeply about someone else. Still, he’d rebelled against the notion he could be so happy with Robin. He’d gone out of his way to numb that idea with drugs and actively attack it by casually starting a relationship with Linda.
As he thoughtfully applied varnish to the shelves of the bookcases, he allowed himself to think of her. He knew Linda had wanted a stable relationship as much as he did. She had tried everything she could think of to lure him into living with her instead of with Robin. The problem was Kai watched every move she made with a knowing, cynical eye. Deep inside, he knew he already had the kind of relationship with Robin that Linda wanted with him. Kai knew, but couldn’t admit that he’d already made a choice between Linda and Robin. It would have been so easy to step from Robin’s house into Linda’s and pick up the thread of security—except for the fact he loved Robin and he didn’t love her. That certainty deep inside is what freaked him out. Then, Linda got arrested, and that ended her ability to offer him anything other than becoming further enmeshed in her life.
Now, Kai realized he’d panicked. He saw Linda implicating him in an effort to ease her own case, though Kai had never sold any of the painkillers she made available so readily. He had, however, enjoyed the painkillers himself to the point that he knew he was an addict. Through that trauma, Robin had remained steadfast and solidly in his corner, despite the fact that Kai had treated Robin so callously. When Kai realized what he really wanted could be had so easily if only he’d admit to his true feelings, his panic had doubled. The only way out he could see was to pack up and head south to his mother to get things sorted out.
Three weeks sober and back on his medication, Kai realized what a mess he’d created for himself and for the people he cared about the most, his mother and Robin. Coming out of the fog, he’d had to ask himself what he really wanted. With Robin only days away from arriving in South Florida, Kai found himself actively planning on getting Robin to leave the Outer Banks to move south and live with him. In his mind, he had it all worked out. His mother would understand how much they needed to be together, so she’d move in with Matt into his house in Lighthouse Point, leaving him and Robin to live in her house in Sunrise. It was the answer to everything. Now he had to convince not only Robin, but also his mother that his plan would work out with everyone left a winner.
This is what he fantasized about as he worked his way around the room, shelf by shelf, leaving a glossy hard finish to set in his wake. He was so absorbed in both his work and his daydream that he worked without hunger through the lunch hour and on into the afternoon. The shifting light coming through the window and French doors barely registered in his mind as he varnished and dreamed about the life he’d make with Robin once he was safely settled down in the house in Saw- grass Estates. So, when he found himself back at his starting place by the room’s door leading to the hall, he was surprised. His watch told him it was half-past five. He smoothed away the last of his brush strokes and climbed down from the ladder.
There was a familiar ache in the small of Kai’s back, but he welcomed it as he moved the ladder to the center of the room and banged the lid home on the gallon can of clear varnish. The ache was a way of knowing the job was finished. It was a good, manly ache he could claim as his own. Smiling to himself he calculated that there was perhaps a quarter inch of varnish left in the can. He congratulated himself on accurately gauging how much of the finish it would take to do the job. He put the now-worn brush in a Ziplock bag and sealed it inside. There was nothing to do now but return the ladder and what was left of the varnish to Bill Kellogg’s garage. The job was finished and it looked beautiful to his practiced eye.
Once he’d tidied up, he fished in the pockets of his shorts for his cigarettes and lighter. He found the Diet Coke he’d brought to have with his lunch and stepped outside the French doors to the patio to celebrate finishing the job with a cigarette and a drink. He’d run a bit over his estimate, time-wise, but it wasn’t enough to adjust his quote. Kai stretched and sighed with contentment. He planned on finishing his cigarette and leaving before Bill got home. He thought it would be good enough to call from his truck to tell the man he’d finished and he’d stop by the following day to pick up his check. However, as he stood smoking on the patio, he heard Bill’s familiar voice ring out in the house.
“I’m out back,” Kai called back in reply. In a moment, he saw Bill enter his new library and look around in awe. He stood in the center of the room and turned to take in the finished job. At last, his eyes fell on Kai’s lanky form standing just outside the French doors and he smiled. “So, what do you think?” Kai asked with a grin.
“It’s beautiful!” Bill said as he looked around once more. “So you’re finished then?”
“Yes, just a few minutes ago. A little behind schedule, but it’s all done,” Kai told him.
“How long would you give it to dry?” Bill asked as he stepped outside to stand by Kai and look back into the deep blue of the room.
Kai drained, the last of the warm Coke, then neatly took a final hit off his cigarette and deposited the butt into the empty can. “It should be dry to the touch by this time on Sunday,” he said. “But I’d give it a week to cure before I started putting anything on the shelves. When are your floor guys coming in?”
“Tuesday morning,” Bill said happily. “They say it should only take them a day to do it. I’ve had the wood acclimatizing in the living room for the past week. I decided to go with laminate rather than real wood. Same look, but cheaper and less hassle.”
“Some of those laminates are very good looking,” Kai responded. “You can spend Thanksgiving moving into your new library.”
“I can’t get over how beautiful your finish is,” Bill said happily. “It’s better looking than the picture I gave you to go by. I love the detailing you’ve added. I love the dentil molding under the crown.”
“I won’t lie and say that was easy to paint or varnish,” Kai admitted. “But I’m pretty sure there are no drops or drips anywhere. I took my time doing it.”
Bill stepped back into the room and walked around the bookcases, peering up at the molding to confirm Kai’s claim. “It’s perfect,” he announced with a grin. “You’ve done an amazing job. Your mother said you were good, but you have more than earned your money. You’re a real craftsman.”
Kai smiled, but only shrugged in reply before nervously lighting another cigarette. It was obvious he was enjoying the praise, but his natural shyness and reserve wouldn’t let him respond. Kai didn’t know how to accept compliments; he didn’t trust them.
Bill stepped back outside to join him, reaching in his rear pocket as he did so. He took out his wallet and said, “I know guys like you might appreciate being paid in cash, so I stopped by the bank at lunch. I left work a little early so I could catch you here.”
“Wow, man! Thanks,” Kai said as Bill drew out a wad of notes from his wallet, then stretched out his hand to hold them as Bill slowly counted out twenty-four hundred dollar bills. “Hold up,” Kai said as he reached the twenty-fourth bill, “That’s too much. The quote was for only twenty-three hundred.”
“That’s a hundred dollar bonus for getting it done when you said you would and for being so reliable,” Bill said dismissively. “Frankly, there hasn’t been a workman in this house for all the years I’ve lived here who showed up when they said they would, got the job done right the first time, and kept the place so clean.”
“I can’t take this, Bill,” Kai told him as he urged a single hundred dollar bill back toward his client’s hand. “Your recommendation is bonus enough. Just mention me if you know of anyone else who is looking to have some work done.”
“No, that’s yours,” Bill said as he took Kai’s hand and folded his fingers over the bill. “You said you had someone special coming. Take the
m out to dinner on me.”
Kai watched as Bill gave his hand a friendly squeeze over the crumbled bill in his hand before letting go. “Jeez, thanks. I appreciate this,” he said.
“You can count on me to send some clients your way,” Bill added. “I have several friends who are thinking about updating their houses.”
Kai looked up into Bill’s smiling face and decided to offer something back for the kind man’s generosity. He hadn’t been blind to the older man’s secret looks of admiration and subtle appreciation of his youth and looks, though Bill had never said anything to betray his interest. Kai knew Bill had to wonder about him, having essentially known of him since he was a small boy. He decided he could be honest with Bill as an offering to the new sense of freedom he felt in dealing with his feelings. He said, “Robin, that someone special. His name is Robin.”
Bill lifted his eyebrows and gave Kai a look of interested connection. “I was wondering,” he admitted.
Kai grinned and said,” ‘Someone’ is pretty vague. I just wanted you to know—well, I guess I just felt like it would be okay to tell you.”
“Your mother and Matt Jenkins know, of course?” Bill asked with an expression of amused reserve.
“Yes. They’re cool with it,” Kai told him. “Robin and I lived together all last year. It’s only since I left the Outer Banks that I realized how special he is. I’ll definitely take him out somewhere nice while he’s here, thanks to you.”
Bill nodded shyly and looked back into the dark blue library as if he could see other times and other faces there. He said, “Son, take my advice. If he is someone special, don’t waste any time letting him know. Time is more precious than you think when you rim out of it.”
“You must miss your partner a great deal,” Kai said gently. “I’m sorry he’s not here to see your library.”
“Oh!” Bill said and laughed quietly. “Don’t say that. If he was still around there’d be no library. But yes, I do miss him very much. That’s why I can tell you not to waste one minute being with your Robin. I hope you have a great visit.”
“Thanks,” Kai said quietly. “I’ll take your advice.”
Bill nodded and stepped back into the library and began to look around. Kai gave him a moment there alone as he folded the pay for the job and stuffed the bills into his front pocket. He smoked alone on the patio while Bill collected his thoughts. It was time to be heading home. Now, while he was feeling so good. All in all, it had been his best day since he’d returned to South Florida. He felt the fleeting self- assurance of confidence without any panic gnawing at its edges.
It took nearly twenty minutes to go the three miles back home in the Friday evening traffic. It was after six when he pulled up in the drive behind Matt’s Porsche Cayenne. He left the space nearest the front door open for his mother out of long habit. The little consideration was his mother’s due; he never for a moment forgot it was her house. He eased himself out of the truck and walked toward the sounds of Heidi’s barking behind the front door. “I’m home, girl. Your daddy’s home,” he called out and the barking gave way to a scramble of claws on tile as he opened the front door and let himself into the foyer.
Heidi circled his legs and began barking again as he got the door closed behind him and knelt to receive her sloppy kisses. “Hey Matt!” he called out.
“Hey, yourself,” Matt said from his chair in the living room. “I let Heidi out back when I got in. The poor dog was dying to pee.”
“She’s hungry, too,” Kai said as he stood and walked into the living room. He made his way to the sofa and perched on the edge of a cushion to stroke the hyper dog into relative calm. “Thanks for taking Heidi out. It took me a little longer than I expected to finish.”
“No problem,” Matt said easily. “She knew it was you just now. She’s either psychic or she knows the sound of your truck, but she was just lying on the sofa and all of a sudden she lifted her head, looked around and then got up, trotted into the foyer and started barking. It was the damnedest thing.”
“Robin says she did that all the time,” Kai said before he thought about it. For a moment, he was stunned at having so casually brought him up in conversation. He was a little uncomfortable for a moment.
Then Matt said, “Do you think Heidi’ll be happy to see him?”
“She’ll freak out,” Kai told him. “She was big buddies with Robin.”
Matt laughed and said, “Where will she sleep while he’s here? In bed with you guys?”
That said so easily and naturally made Kai relax. He snorted resignedly and said, “Of course. She always did before.”
“Isn’t that a bit awkward sometimes?” Matt asked candidly.
“Well,” Kai said slyly, “There were times when she got locked up in the guest room downstairs. If you turn the Luther Vandross up loud enough you don’t hear the whining,” he said and gave Matt a wink.
Matt laughed at that, then said, “Your mother is at the beauty shop. She won’t be home until about seven. We were thinking about getting a bite at Pebbles. Would you like to come with?”
Kai shook his head and stood saying, “No thanks. It’s been a long day and I really just want to take a shower after I feed and walk Heidi and then maybe watch a little TV. I’ve been up since three this morning. I hope I’ll sleep through the night tonight.”
“What will you do for dinner?” Matt asked. “There’s not much in the refrigerator until your mom makes a grocery ran.”
Kai straightened his shoulders and moved his chin to crack the tension in the muscles there that he’d worked applying varnish all day. He sighed and said, “I don’t know, maybe I’ll just eat my lunch. I got so into working I didn’t stop to eat. I’ll either do that or order a pizza or something.”
Matt gave him a sympathetic look and said, “You haven’t eaten all day? Damn. No wonder you’re beat. You really should come with us and have a nice dinner.”
Kai smiled but again, shook his head no. “Thanks just the same. Heidi’s been cooped up all day by herself. I don’t want to leave her alone, she’ll get spiteful and chew something up. Can I get a rain check?”
“Suit yourself,” Matt said affably. “If you’ve been up since three, you probably want to crash fairly early.”
“Yeah, I probably will,” Kai said and turned to walk into the kitchen.
Matt stood and followed him into the kitchen. “Kai, if you don’t mind me asking, doesn’t your medicine help you sleep?”
Kai leaned down to retrieve Heidi’s bowl from the floor and then took it to the counter while he filled it from the large bag of dog food stored under the sink. “I don’t mind you asking,” he said evenly, wondering why Matt even cared about his sleep. He was just mildly annoyed at having to explain something that was so normal for him, but so unusual for everyone else. “The medicine sort of works. I mean, I can get to sleep, but it doesn’t hold. I have bad dreams and my mind starts racing and I can’t go back to sleep. It’s fairly normal for me. I’ve been that way since I was a little kid. Something broke in me a long time ago, and I don’t think it’ll ever be fixed. It’s just the way I am.”
As he took the bowl from the counter and set it on the floor for Heidi, Matt pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat down. He looked up at Kai and said, “I’m sorry if I sound like I’m prying, I’m just trying to understand. What makes you feel as if you’re broken? You seem to have it pretty together to me. You’re working. You’re going out to find work. You’re back on your meds. Is this as good as it gets for you, or are you ever happy?”
Kai fished in his pocket for his cigarettes and then laid them on the table. He took his ashtray from the top of the refrigerator and sat down, joining Matt at the table. He thought how best to answer as he lit a cigarette and looked Matt in the eye. “This is about as good as it gets, Matt. I realize I was happy when I lived with Robin, but even then, I still had times when I didn’t sleep. It’s just me. I’m not happy like other people. I’m kind of
dead inside if you want to know the truth, just empty. That’s mostly how I feel if I’m not hurting. It’s fucked up, but that’s the hand I got in the gene poker game.”
Matt nodded slowly and didn’t flinch from Kai’s unbroken gaze or bare self-admission. He said, “Do you plan to get back with Robin? I mean if the only time you’re happy is when you’re with him, it seems like you’d want to never be apart.
Kai nodded and took a long hit off his cigarette before he responded guardedly, “I hope to work things out with Robin when he visits. I don’t know. We’ll see, I guess.”
“I hope you guys work it out,” Matt said sympathetically. “I re ally do.”
Kai nodded and peered at the ashtray for a moment before he said, “Now can I ask you something? I’m not trying to pry, I’m just curious.”
“Of course,” Matt told him as he relaxed into his chair and crossed his leg to rest an ankle on his knee.
Kai thumped his cigarette into the ashtray and looked into Matt’s eyes once more. “You and my mom… are you guys going to get married someday or what?”
Matt laughed and uncrossed his legs anxiously. “You’re pretty intense, you know that?”
Kai let a ghost of a smile flicker across his lips before he answered. He was enjoying making Matt as uncomfortable with personal questions as he felt being asked them. “I don’t have much of a bullshit filter,” Kai admitted. “I can’t make small talk, sorry.”
“No, that’s okay,” Matt protested. “Of course you’re bound to be curious about our relationship, your mother’s and mine, I mean.”