by Jay Quinn
Kai closed the magazine immediately and acknowledged the doctor’s summons with a cool lift of his chin and a look in the eye that tried to communicate that he was pleased to see the man, but not over- pleased; distressed but coping; and he was definitely not going to be a difficult fifteen-minute session. Kai had a lot to say in the short time he had with his psychiatrist. He had a lot of ground to cover fast. Dr. Roth was not a therapist; his sessions were strictly about facts and medications. Kai stood and walked to the door which Dr. Roth stepped back to admit him through,.
With Kai’s folder in hand, Dr. Roth waved him to the pair of deep leather chairs opposite his desk while he strolled around the desk and sat in his chair at the helm. “Good morning, Kai. How have you been doing?” Dr. Roth began as he opened Kai’s thick file on his desk and began to read his notes from their last session.
Kai sat anxiously about half way between the edge of the seat and its welcoming back. He wanted to seem comfortable, but not too comfortable. “I’m doing okay Doctor,” he said in a measured tone. “I’m back on the meds for three weeks now and I can really tell the difference. I’m doing pretty good. I don’t feel like I’m me watching myself on TV anymore. I feel I’m back into my life, you know?”
Dr. Roth looked at him and gave him a knowing smile. “Tell me again exactly why you went off the meds. Last time, you said you just wanted to take a break. That’s not unusual in patients who are on long-term medications in cases such as yours. But, you know, Kai, I got the impression you weren’t being completely honest with me about everything. Can you tell me exactly why you went off your meds a year ago?”
Kai thought about the ready excuses he had, but he’d used them last time. If he repeated them now and the doctor was unconvinced, he might refuse to refill his prescriptions. He decided to take a calculated risk and tell the full truth. “When I came to see you last time I was hooked on painkillers and I had been for over a year. That’s really why I went off my meds. When I came to see you, I had decided to go off them, cold turkey, and get started back on my psych drugs. That’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve been clean for the past three weeks and three days, counting today. I’ll pee in a cup if you want me to. Right now,” he offered.
“I could have prescribed you something if you’d told me then, Kai. You didn’t have to go through withdrawal,” Dr. Roth told him.
“I know.” Kai said nervously. “I’ve done my homework. I was just so scared you wouldn’t put me back on my regular regimen if I was on anything else, and I really needed to go back on the meds that work. I mean I really needed to. I was pretty out of control. I’d turned my whole life upside down and moved back to my mom’s house, for God’s sake. I needed the Risperdal badly. I couldn’t shut off all the voices in my head and they were all arguing constantly. I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks and I knew I had to get off the painkillers. I mean I wasn’t really addicted. I had just been chipping, you know.”
Dr. Roth nodded and said, “Why did you let yourself get hooked on the opiates anyway Kai? That wasn’t a very rational decision. I’ve known you for many years now, and you’ve never been afraid to experiment with street drugs, but you’ve always maintained your psychiatric meds while you experimented. I still don’t know why you went off your meds to begin with.”
Kai didn’t want to answer the question because it didn’t square with what he thought the doctor wanted to hear, or the way he wanted to present himself to the doctor. But he didn’t have time to think out a dodge. Brazenly he again decided to tell the full truth. “I quit because I was happy. I was in love for the first time in my life, and for the first time in my life, I was happy and not crazy happy. My dopamine levels were high or something, I don’t know. I started fooling around with the painkillers when I was on my meds, but being high was an extension of my personal happiness. I got to the point where I thought I didn’t need my psych drugs. I was sleeping. I was working and I could concentrate. Everything was so good for me. I just decided maybe I had become normal or something. Like, I really wasn’t bipolar anymore. I was so happy, Dr. Roth. It was what I thought normal people felt like. So I quit.”
Dr. Roth leveled a cool look over him from across the table and said, “Part of that was the opiates, the other part… I don’t know, tell me more.”
“I met this guy named Robin at work one day,” Kai explained calmly, though his right knee was pistoning up and down as he repeatedly bounced his leg with excess energy. We started going out, started having sex, and all of a sudden I fell in love with him. I moved in and we lived together for a year before I fucked everything up.”
“And how did you do that?” Dr. Roth pressed.
“I started dating this girl named Linda. She had a line on the painkillers and I started sleeping with her partly because I could get the drug from her and partly because I freaked out about how deeply I cared about Robin,” Kai admitted. “I never let anyone get to know me as well as he did. I really connected with him and it freaked me out. I wanted him to hate me so he’d go away and leave me alone. I tried to control how he felt to keep him from getting in so deep with me.”
“I take it you weren’t successful.”
“No,” Kai said despondently. “Robin kept on loving me, despite the fact I treated him so bad and the fact I was letting the painkillers get out of control. I couldn’t take it, so I packed up everything and moved back down here to get away from him and everything else up there. I had to. I knew I had to get off them and I had to get away from that whole scene. I needed some time to get my head straight. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… about the future and stuff.”
“So you told me the last time you were here. Of course, you didn’t go into so much detail. You did talk about Robin, do you recall?” Dr. Roth asked him searchingly.
“Yeah, I remember,” Kai answered. “I remember you were very interested in Robin.”
“Well, I wasn’t interested in Robin, per se. I was more interested in the depth of the feelings you expressed for him. It’s not like you to form such deep emotional attachments,” Dr. Roth explained.
“Yeah, I can see why you’d be interested,” Kai said with a forced laugh. “It’s totally not like me to fall in love with anybody. I was always so shut down emotionally. Besides, it never seemed to be such a good idea to get so connected to anyone before. I’ve thought about that, too,” Kai said.
“Do you feel you’re thinking clearly now that you’re off painkillers and back on the appropriate medications again?” Dr. Roth asked seriously.
Kai nodded yes and bent his forehead to cover his eyes with his right hand for a moment. He felt vulnerable, naked, and exposed.
“Tell me what you’ve been thinking about, for the future,” Dr. Roth suggested kindly.
Kai looked up at his doctor and sighed. He slid back into the chair and sat up. He thought for a moment, trying to think of where to begin. Finally he said, “All the while I was going through detox, I was thinking about being gay. I’d been fighting against the idea for as long as I could remember, but I realized that loving and needing Robin the way I do, it must mean I’m gay. Do you understand?”
“I can see your line of reasoning, yes,” Dr. Roth said and leaned back in his chair as well. “Go on,” he encouraged.
“Well, once I got my head around the idea of admitting I was gay, I realized that’s the only way I could hold on to Robin. I mean, he’s always been ready to commit to me, but I couldn’t ever commit to him, even though I know I love him. I’ve talked to him regularly since I’ve been down here. We both want to work this thing out. He’s even coming down here to spend Thanksgiving with me and my Mom.” Kai stopped and tried to figure out how to proceed; how to communicate the struggle he had been going through over the past few weeks. He looked into Dr. Roth’s concerned eyes, took a breath and released it slowly then continued, “I plan to ask Robin to move down here and live with me. I want us to start over, down here, away from the bad things I created between
us up on the Banks. I want to be away from who I was when I was there. I don’t want to be addicted and alone anymore. I want to have a real life, with Robin in it.”
Dr. Roth nodded sympathetically but said, “What are you going to do if Robin doesn’t see things happening the way you do? It’s a lot to ask of him, to take you back, and to move down here. He might say no. What will you do then? Let’s face it, Kai, you are a master manipulator. You’ve managed to avoid getting close to anybody by controlling every aspect of your behavior and others’. You’re big on control.”
“I know that, Dr. Roth,” Kai admitted sincerely. “We’ve talked about this before. Damaged people have to keep a tight reign on themselves so they don’t get hurt any more than they have to. I realize that. But I’m tired of being damaged. With Robin, I’m not frightened that I’ll be hurt. I trust him.”
“All the more reason for you to consider what you’re going to do if he doesn’t want to rearrange his life to accommodate your perception of how the future could be,” Dr. Roth cautioned.
Kai turned his head and stared out the window on his right. The blinds were open enough so that he could see the landscaping outside. He didn’t have any answer to the situation the way his psychiatrist had presented it. Deep inside, he felt as if he could talk Robin into moving down to be with him. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “If I had to, I’d go back north to live with him there, I guess. I just know that, in my mind and heart, I’m ready to commit myself to Robin. I don’t care if that makes me gay. I just want things to work out between us.”
Dr. Roth smiled and leaned forward once more to reach for his prescription pad. “You have been doing a lot of thinking,” he said. As he began to write, he continued, “It’s a pretty big breakthrough for you to admit you’re gay. That’s a big head start. I want you to think about how you can make things work between you and Robin, even if it means meeting him halfway.”
Kai watched him as he wrote and tore off the prescriptions one by one from the pad. “Dr. Roth, one more thing. My sleeping… I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping all night. I have nightmares and racing thoughts, still.”
Dr. Roth tore the final prescription from the pad and neatly stacked the sheets of blue paper together. “You have a great deal on your mind right now. I’d suggest you don’t nap during the day and try to go to bed later, after you’ve taken your medication at night. Tell me again what you take before bed,” he said as he looked at Kai with a clinical eye.
“I take the Risperdal, Zoloft, and a lorazepam about nine o’clock. That way, I’m asleep by about ten. I only take my Strattera in the mornings,” Kai told him. “But I’m sick and tired of waking up at three in the morning and being unable to do anything but sit up and chase the thoughts in my head or try to outrun my nightmares.”
“I’m reluctant to put you on any sleeping medication, Kai,” the doctor told him. “Your sleeplessness is historical, and introducing opiates into the works could have contributed to the problem. Even after you’ve been off them after a long period of use, your moods and sleep could take months to sort themselves out. I’d suggest if you can’t sleep, try reading or take another lorazepam. Sooner or later, you’ll work it out. Remember, you’ve only been back on your meds for three weeks. It takes longer than that for them to become fully effective.”
“Okay, whatever,” Kai responded bleakly. He reached across the desk to accept the prescriptions the doctor proffered.
Dr. Roth stood, signaling the end of the session. “I’ve given you only a month’s worth of meds. I want to see you again in three weeks to check on how you’re doing. Don’t hesitate to call me if you get in over your head before then, okay?”
Kai stood and nodded as Dr. Roth took his folder from the desktop and walked toward the door. Before he could open it, Kai asked, “Am I doing alright? I mean, does all of this make any sense or do I have my head up my ass?”
Dr. Roth gave him a concerned look and hesitated a moment before he responded. “Getting addicted to painkillers and going off your meds was not a wise decision. But, realizing you had a problem and coming in to get help was the smart move. You’re doing a lot of growing right now and that’s rough. Just remember, I’m here if you need me. I really wish you would go back into therapy for awhile. I think it could be a big help for you to talk with someone as you find your way through this.”
“I’m sorry, Dr. Roth, but I really can’t afford therapy right now. I have no medical insurance and I’m still trying to get work on a steady basis. But I will promise you to consider it when I can pay for it,” Kai told him as he stood.
“Well, if things become more difficult for you emotionally, we could see what we could work out in terms of payment,” Dr. Roth offered. “I don’t want to see you in trouble. Think about it and stay off the painkillers. Call me if you need me before our next visit.” With that, he opened the door and waited for Kai to leave his office.
“Thanks,” Kai murmured, then walked out of his doctor’s office. With the doctor following along behind him, he went to the receptionist’s desk and waited while the doctor handed over Kai’s file and told her to schedule him for another appointment in three weeks. Clutching his prescriptions, Kai waited for the receptionist to suggest a day and time while the doctor turned and walked back down the hall. Except for the security of the prescriptions in his hand, Kai felt no better leaving than he had coming in.
After he received his appointment on a little reminder card, Kai made his way outside to his truck. Once he got inside, he tucked his prescriptions under the sun visor and sat for a moment in the warm car. He liked the parking lot of Dr. Roth’s office complex. It was in old Plantation where the trees were all fully mature and shady. He’d been coming to this same place since Dr. Roth had moved here when Kai was twelve. When he stopped to think of it, it had been eighteen years since he’d started seeing Dr. Roth. That was longer than he could claim any friend. He was the doctor Maura had found when Kai got out of the hospital after his suicide attempt when he was nine. After all the years that followed, Kai had a deep respect for his doctor, though he had long ago come to the realization that the doctor could never make him well—all he could do was keep him relatively sane.
It was that faith in Dr. Roth that gave Kai pause just now. He had brought up the possibility that Robin might not want to move south. Kai hadn’t gotten there yet. In his mind, everything would be easy if people would just listen to him. He never considered that Robin might say no. Kai knew Robin was as in love with him as he was with Robin, if not more so. After all, Robin told him he was, every time they talked. Yet, Dr. Roth had presented the notion of conflict into Kai’s well-considered plans.
Kai felt panic clutch at him and his heart rate escalated. He lit a cigarette while he powered up his cell phone. Once it had established its familiar screen, he waited a second or two to see if it would tell him he had any new messages. After a full minute, no change appeared on the static screen. Kai speed dialed Robin’s cell number, hoping he was free. After several rings, Robin answered in his bright, cheerful professional tone.
“Hey. What are you doing?” Kai asked, relieved just by the sound of Robin’s voice.
“Just answering some emails,” Robin told him easily. “Sending a few out too, since I won’t be here next week. What are you up to this morning?”
“I just got out of my shrink’s office,” Kai said forcing his voice to remain calm. “I just wanted to let you know I was being a good dog, trying to stay sane and shit. I don’t want you to think I’m going off the deep end or anything.”
Robin laughed and said, “I didn’t think you were going off the deep end. You’ve been pretty even keeled since you… well, you know, got clean. What does the shrink think?”
“He refilled my meds,” Kai told him and then paused before he said, “I think he’s a little concerned how I’d react if things went south with you and me.”
Robin didn’t respond for a moment, then he said, “Yo
u’re not playing fair, Kai. You make it sound like you’ll go nuts if I don’t do something. I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m coming down there and you said we’d work it out. What makes you think we won’t?”
Kai flicked his cigarette out the window impatiently and said, “I didn’t mean anything like that, honest. Forgive me, I’m just nervous about you coming I guess.”
“Well, don’t be,” Robin told him. “I haven’t had a vacation in a long time and I plan to enjoy every minute I’m with you. I plan on working this out too. Okay?”
“Okay” Kai breathed and sighed with relief. “Okay I hear you, baby.”
“I got a call from your former girlfriend last night after we talked,” Robin told him. “She’s been in touch with your dad as well.”
“Oh hell! What does she want?” Kai asked. “I thought she was in jail.”
“She is, but they have pay phones in jail,” Robin told him. “She actually called me to tell me congratulations for winning. She had spoken with your dad and he told her you had moved back to Florida. She thinks I convinced you to. Thus, I win… in her world at least.”
“That’s fucked up,” Kai told him. “You didn’t have anything to do with convincing me to leave. That’s all on me. I’m the one who fucked up in the first place, even getting with her.”
“Don’t worry about it, Kai,” Robin said consolingly. “I told her neither one of us won. You aren’t a carnival prize. You have a mind of your own and you decided the hell with both of us.”
“No Robin. It’s not like that,” Kai pleaded.
“Oh, I know that, but she doesn’t,” Robin replied evenly. “Her trial’s next week. I guess she just wanted to take her frustrations out on somebody. I was the easiest target. By the time she hung up, I had her feeling sorry for both of us, believe me. I just played you for the asshole you can be sometimes.”