by Jay Quinn
Robin looked at him coldly for a flash of a second and then his eyes and mouth softened. He drummed his fingers on the table absently and sighed once more.
“What are you thinking, baby?” Kai pleaded quietly.
Robin cocked his head and said, “I’m thinking sometimes you have to invest in yourself and take a chance on getting it right. I moved to Kill Devil Hills on a whim, did you know that? I came down to stay in that house for a week and ended up staying for a year and a half now. And I did pretty well just by following my instincts. I sold a lot of real estate. I’ve got nearly ninety thousand dollars in savings thanks to selling beach houses. And I met and fell in love with a big, crazy asshole who strolled in and changed my life once, and now again, I guess.”
“What are you saying?” Kai asked warily.
“I’m saying yes,” Robin said quietly. “God help us.”
“Really?” Kai asked carefully.
“Yeah, really,” Robin replied without a smile.
“When?” Kai demanded.
“As soon as possible, I suppose.” Robin admitted. “I don’t owe that bastard at work anything. I’ll give up my security deposit on the house; it’ll actually save me money not sticking around during December. I’d say I’ll be back by the fifth of next month. I want to spend a few days with my mom and dad before I move down.”
Kai reached across the table once more and put his hand on the back of Robin’s neck and pulled him toward him. Leaning across the table to meet his lips, he kissed Robin before leaning his forehead to rest on his lover’s. “You won’t be sorry, I swear,” he said gruffly.
“We’ll see,” Robin said tonelessly. “We’ll see.”
Kai kissed him once more and then leaned back in his chair, looking at Robin with a serious mien. “I want you to be as excited about this as I am, Robin. You sound like I’m luring you down here only to shit on you.”
Robin sighed and ran his fingers through his lank blonde hair to clear it away from his eyes. He gave Kai a shy smile and said, “Why don’t you tell me how you see things unfolding once I get down here, then? I want to hear your plans for the future. From the hints you’ve given me, and things you’ve told me, it does seem like you’ve been spending a lot of time thinking.”
Kai nodded seriously and took a sip of his coffee before putting out his cigarette. “To tell you the truth, I’ve mostly been thinking about getting you down here. I was scared you wouldn’t say yes.”
“Really?” Robin asked openly. “All I really wanted was an invitation.”
Kai laughed and said, “That’s what Mom told me. I don’t know. I was just concerned I’d pushed you too far, acting the way I did the last few months we were together. I honestly didn’t know what you’d do if I asked you to marry me. And, in a way, that’s the level of commitment I’m thinking about, here. Do you want to be married to me?”
“God yes,” Robin replied decisively. “I mean, I really want to be with you. It’s more than the sex…”
“Though the sex is pretty fucking awesome, wouldn’t you say?” Kai teased him with a hint of insecurity lurking amid the light tone.
“Shut up,” Robin said easily. “You should know better than to even have to ask about that part of us together. I never thought it would keep on getting better and better. But it’s more than that. When I’m with you, I feel whole, you know? In a way, being with you is like being alone only amplified and better somehow. Am I making any sense?”
“That’s exactly the way I feel about you,” Kai admitted. “You know, even from the time I was little, I didn’t feel like there was anybody who got me. Like, really saw me, not just reacted to the way I was on the outside. That Kai is just a big front. Until I met you, I was doing alright, but I was lonely in a way I can’t describe. I was just this ghost, you know? Even I didn’t think I was real half the time. I looked at myself the way other people watch television. Just being me was hurting all the time or being so empty it was like having a whistling wind and a mile of railroad tracks for a heart. Then I met you. Everything was so different. Can you blame me for wanting that all the time?”
Robin shook his head, stunned by the admission Kai had made. It was unusual for him to be so forthcoming about himself. Robin knew some of the demons that had chased Kai since he was small, but he didn’t know the full extent of them. Kai had given him a glimpse of the emptiness he lived with and it made Robin’s heart ache for him. “Well, you don’t ever have to be lonely anymore. I’m going to be on you like white on rice,” Robin said. “If I make this commitment, you better be prepared for the full deal, is all I can say. Once you got me, you got me for life.”
Kai stared across the table at him for a moment before he said, “I just can’t understand why someone as beautiful as you are would want me. I mean, you have your shit together. You’re smart. You’re successful. What do you see in somebody as fucked up as I am?”
“I don’t see you as fucked up at all,” Robin told him confidently. “I know how your head makes you act crazy sometimes, but that doesn’t scare me. You don’t scare me at all, now.”
Kai laughed and said, “I did at first though, right?”
Robin snorted, “Damn right. Somehow I knew, before the first time we slept together, I was in for a world of hurt. There was just something about you that was dangerous—it was like I was telling myself, ‘be careful what you ask for.’ ”
“You got all that on the first date?” Kai asked incredulously.
“Absolutely. I told you. Remember?” Robin said quietly.
“Yeah, you did. I was thinking about that a few weeks ago, actually” Kai admitted. “When I first saw you, I wasn’t thinking about anything other than getting you into bed.”
“I know,” Robin said with a smile. “You were pretty intense.”
“Yeah, intense. That’s my deal. I don’t do anything half-assed. That’s why you should be excited about moving down here. I mean, damn, Robin. Look at what I got us as a place to live. You just stick with me. Things are going to be great, I swear,” Kai said seriously.
Robin stood and walked across the kitchen to make himself another cup of coffee. He ignored Kai’s watchful stare all the while and finally returned to the table saying, “It’ll probably take me awhile to find a job. Are you going to making enough to support us? I don’t want to spend any more of my savings than I have to, you know, for car payments and insurance. I want to use that money to put down on a house someday.”
Kai tilted his chair back and scratched his chest thoughtfully. “I have a great new job lined up. It’s going to bring in about five grand. If we don’t go crazy, we’ll be alright.”
“And your little pill problem is totally under control?” Robin asked pointedly.
“Let me ask you, for one minute, or one second, since you’ve been here, have I appeared high to you?” Kai asked in a hurt tone.
Robin shook his head and said, “No. And your dick doesn’t lie. If you were high you wouldn’t have been hard like you have been. Christ, does it ever go down?”
Kai laughed and leaned forward on his forearms. “It would be worse if I wasn’t on so much psych medication. I’m a stud. You know that better than anybody.”
Robin snickered and gave him a certain shared look of intimacy. Then he took a sip of his coffee thoughtfully. He looked at Kai and said firmly, “I want you to swear you’re going to stay on your psych drugs. If you go off them, you can kiss my ass goodbye. That’s a non-negotiable term for my moving in with you. Can you swear that?”
Kai lit another cigarette and eyed Robin all the while. He didn’t want to lie, but he wasn’t sure he could promise that. His relationship with his meds was far longer and older than his relationship with Robin. He knew the facts of his existence. He knew he’d have to be on something as long as he lived. He just hated admitting it to anyone, even Robin. Finally he said, “I promise I won’t do anything that will jeopardize my commitment to you. If going off my meds means I’m going to fu
ck up this thing between us, I swear I won’t do it.”
Robin looked at him searchingly before he looked away and took another sip of his warm coffee. At last, he nodded. “Okay. I can accept that. But I warn you. If you fuck around on me one more time, and I find out, I’ll be gone so fast you’ll never see me moving. This is your last chance on that. Do you understand me?”
Kai nodded and took a hit off his cigarette. “Understood,” was all he said.
“Good. Because I’m serious, Kai. Guy or girl, I won’t play second anymore. You better think before you answer because you’re staking everything on living up to it,” Robin said firmly.
“Yes. I get it,” Kai said peevishly. “Christ, no need to nail it to my forehead.”
Robin watched him as he smoked nervously and wouldn’t meet his eyes. When the silence finally became loud, Kai did look at him and Robin returned his look levely.
Robin’s look was all Kai needed to convince him of the seriousness of his intent. To answer, he reached across the table and gently stroked Robin’s cheek with the back of his fingers without breaking his gaze into his eyes. He prayed the earnestness of his own gaze would convince Robin that he got the message.
Robin responded to his caress by closing his eyes and leaning in to his touch. Kai watched his face as it moved from remembered pain, to resolve, to simple surrender. For the first time he felt the weight of responsibility he had for Robin. Just as forcefully as the knowledge of his total possession of Robin’s flesh came the fact of his ability to inflict pain on the one he loved. It was the first time in his life that he saw something as an adult. It humbled Kai and strengthened him in a way that was more real than his ability to provide pleasure. That physical act of love was easily accomplished. Living up to this new responsibility for another person would come hard. And he accepted it as fact. “We’re going to be fine, Robin, you and I. I’ll take care of you, I swear,” he whispered.
Robin lifted his head and gave him a small smile. There was a hint of disbelief in his eyes that Kai knew only time would eradicate. Knowing it would take time and more time spent proving himself, Kai thought how he bitterly resented his nature for making that a necessity. Still, he felt up to the commitment. He had changed in the weeks since he’d come back home. He felt this new strength and purpose rising in him like some strong sap. Kai had accepted his faults and made a serious effort to conform to others’ expectations of him, something he’d never cared to do before. He returned Robin’s shy smile with a genuine one of his own and said, “Welcome home, Robin.”
Chapter Nineteen
A FEELING OF holiday permissiveness pervaded the office from the beginning of the day and Maura was not immune. Though there was work that deserved her attention, she found it hard to care. In the back of everyone’s mind was the knowledge that Bill Kellogg would make a relaxed round of the offices, cubicles, and the drafting bullpen at about two-thirty, cheerfully telling everyone to pack it in, that the office was closing early. After all, the next day was Thanksgiving and everyone had someplace to be or something to be done. Bill had long endeared himself to Maura for this tradition of his. She teased him, calling him Old Fezziwig after the benevolent boss in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
True to form, Bill appeared at Maura’s office door as she was finishing up a discussion of revisions to a set of construction drawings with a junior draftsman. “You guys button it up,” Bill told them at two-forty that afternoon. “I’m kicking everyone out at three today. There are turkeys waiting to be cooked and cans of cranberry sauce to be opened,” he announced cheerfully.
As Maura’s young drafter excused himself; Bill came into Maura’s office and settled into one of the chairs opposite her desk. “And what are your plans, Maura? Are you going to be cooking for Matt, Kai, and Kai’s friend… what’s his name? Robbie?”
“No, it’s Robin,” Maura corrected him good-naturedly as she sat at her desk across from him. “And no, I’m not cooking. Kai has taken the whole epic fest on himself.”
“Ah, that’s good,” Bill said, smiling. “You’ve said he was a good cook. Is he up to fulfilling the expectations everyone brings to Thanksgiving?”
“Probably better than I am,” Maura said. “We’re having a small free-range turkey he ordered from Williams Sonoma, stuffed with lemons and onions, with oyster dressing, corn cooked with baby lima beans, Brussels sprouts braised with bacon, rice, and giblet gravy. I’m pretty sure that’s what he told me.”
“Sounds good,” Bill said admiringly. “Is he doing the desserts as well?”
“No, that’s on me,” Maura said easily. “I always make my grandmother’s recipe for pecan pie. It’s a southern thing. What about you? What are you doing this year?”
Bill’s face clouded momentarily but he said cheerfully enough, “I’ll probably make myself a grilled cheese sandwich and open a can of tomato soup. This is my first year without… he winced sharply recalling his loss, then continued. “This year won’t be anything special. I plan to spend the day getting moved into my new library and drinking a nice old Scotch I’ve been saving.”
“Oh Bill, I hate to hear you’re going to be alone,” Maura said with concern. “Why don’t you join us? We’re going to have the big dinner at Matt’s place in Lighthouse Point. Kai moved in there a couple of weeks ago. We can sit outside and enjoy the view while Kai takes care of cooking.”
“Sounds tempting,” Bill admitted. “I’ve turned down all my other invitations, but now that the day’s almost here, I’m not so sure I want to be alone.”
“Then come eat with us,” Maura said firmly.
“I don’t know,” Bill said. “I hate to intrude at this late date, and I’ll be a fifth wheel.”
“Nonsense,” Maura said dismissively. “They’ll be plenty of food, that’s no problem. And, as for being a fifth wheel, I’d appreciate your company and so would Matt. It will make meeting Robin less awkward.”
“You’re just meeting him tomorrow?” Bill asked incredulously. “Hasn’t he been here since last weekend?”
“Yes, he has,” Maura said with a bit of wry humor in her voice. “Kai hasn’t let him out of the house. Those two have been holed up together since Sunday afternoon. Matt wanted to take us all out to dinner one night, but Kai declined politely. Evidently this reunion is going well.”
“Evidently,” Bill commented dryly.
“No, it’s a good thing. Kai was going to ask Robin to move down here to live with him. I gather he’s said yes. If he hadn’t, I’m sure Kai would have wanted some backup from me,” Maura said smugly.
“Backup?” Bill asked curiously.
“Oh sure,” Maura said easily. “Along the lines of showing Robin how cool Matt and I are with the idea. Talking Kai up, that sort of thing.”
Bill nodded knowingly and said, “He’s very lucky you and Matt are so supportive. In all the years Jack and I we lived together, my parents never recognized my partner for what he re ally was.
“That’s so sad,” Maura said. “Look at what they cheated themselves out of—a whole part of your life, really.”
Bill pursed his lips and rolled his eyes in reply.
“Say you’ll come,” Maura pleaded. “I’m sure it will be a lot better than unpacking books and listening to old songs alone.”
Bill stood, and Maura watched the argument he was having with himself revealed by the slight changes on his face as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. Finally, Bill said, “If you swear I won’t be in the way.”
“I swear,” Maura said easily as she picked up a pen and wrote on a sheet of notepaper, then handed the paper to Bill, saying, “Here’s the address of Matt’s place. You can look up directions on MapQuest, right?”
“Sure,” Bill said as he glanced at the note. “What time should I show up?”
“We’re eating at three, Kai says. Why don’t you plan on getting there between one-thirty and two o’clock? That way you can enjoy some wine or a drink with us before the feast.”
Maura rose from her desk chair and walked to stand close enough to her boss and friend to lay her hand lightly on his shoulder. “I’m delighted you’ve said yes.”
“I have to admit, I am curious about Kai’s friend,” Bill said mischievously. “Kai’s quite a looker, if you don’t mind my saying so. Though I’m past it, I still enjoy observing young lovers.”
Maura laughed and said, “I’m anxious to meet Robin myself. Kai has never been so enthralled before. This kid must be something special, but I guess we’ll see.”
Bill left after that and Maura quickly put her office to bed for the long weekend. After she left the office, she stopped at Publix on the way home to pick up the supplies for her pecan pies and then hurried along home, eager to get the chore behind her.
Once she was home, she changed and went straight to work on her baking. As she moved around her familiar kitchen, she was flooded with memories of Thanksgiving preparations of the past. For many years, her mother and father had made the trip south for the holiday. They spent Christmas visiting Maura’s siblings’ homes. As she rolled out pastry dough made from scratch, she recalled conversations with her mother in that kitchen and in her childhood home. Now, she missed them. She felt the absence of her father in the living room drowsing while the television played on, unwatched. She thought of Kai as a youngster, settled in his room drawing, with his dog for company, while she cooked with her mother. It had been a parade of years spent happily enough for all the challenges and loneliness. There were less pleasant memories of the holidays she and Rhett had lived together in the small cottage in Avalon Beach. Still, she thought as she poured the filling carefully into the browned pie shells, for what it was, it wasn’t so bad.
When she at last had the pies in the oven, she made a short pot of decaffeinated coffee and sat at her kitchen table to wait for Matt to return home. Instinctively, her hands found the slight swell of her belly and she stroked her new baby through the protective layer of skin, muscle, and clothing that covered him. “Oh junebug,” she sighed aloud. “You’re going to be a lucky little fellow. Your mama knows how to be a mama, and your daddy knows how to be a daddy. We can’t wait for you to get here, Junebug.”