Out of Play

by Jolene Perry

I can’t breathe right, and I’m gripping the steering wheel with everything I have. Blood’s running down my knuckles, but the damage wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough to block out the mess in my head.

  Bishop sits in silence as I fly toward the school. It’s only about ten miles or so, but the road is windy up here. Bitty slides sideways on a steep curve, and Bishop doesn’t even suck in a breath.

  “What the hell are you doing in here?” I ask.

  “Making sure you don’t break your truck on the way to school.”

  I’m sure he wants me to react, but I don’t. My chest feels different, though. Like I might be able to breathe.

  “Watch the steering wheel. Your handprints might never come out.” He chuckles, but his eyes are wide enough that I know he’s also worried about me. Trying to distract me like he did when I got my tattoo yesterday.

  My morning crashes in, and my chest feels emptied out. “She didn’t… I mean, she never said anything. Ever. And now I don’t know if I’ve been dealing with all the extra stuff at home because she needs to work or because of Ben. And I wouldn’t have even minded her seeing him if she was fucking telling me the truth.”

  Bishop’s silent for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

  I suck in a breath, trying to slow down my heart. “Please. You should be telling me that it’s not a big deal. If I don’t care that she’s dating the guy, what does it matter?” Only it does matter because Mom and I used to talk, and I’m not sure what changed.

  Bishop rests his hand on my leg. “I don’t need to tell you stuff you already know. She kept something huge from you. That’s not cool.” His face falls for a moment before he recovers.

  And hearing him say it that way cuts into me hard. I’ve been left at home alone night after night to deal with Gramps, and did not go out with my friends, because Mom would rather spend time with Ben than me. Now I’m blinking in a bad effort of trying not to cry in front of Bishop.

  He gives my thigh a squeeze. “You’re like me. You’re hurt, but it’s easier to be pissed.”

  Warmth spreads through me because I know he gets it. Just like he gets my need to stay in Alaska and play with the guys. Like he gets everything about me. “What are you?” I try to wipe my tears without it being obvious, but I’m sure I fail. “A shrink?” I’m still confused and a little angry and a lot hurt, but better.

  “Nope. I just want you to know I understand. And that your mom is scary when she yells.” He pauses. “But I want you guys to get along so I can see you and for selfish reasons like she brings me clean towels, and I don’t want one that’s used for a dog or something.”

  I love that he’s trying to make me laugh right now.

  “I feel like such…just wimpy.” I slide low in my seat. “This isn’t like me.”

  “Penny. How many people would bloody their knuckles before school on purpose, and still want to slam their fists into something else? You’re not wimpy.” He pauses. “I’m right, aren’t I? That you’d like a good punching bag right now?”

  “Yeah.” I let myself smile a little. “I’m going to be late for school. How did you plan on getting back?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t really think about that, just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’ll hitchhike or something.”

  He didn’t think about how he’d get back because he was thinking about me.

  I pull the keys from the ignition. Am I really going to do this? No one drives Bitty. No one.

  “You can drive Bitty home, but if you scratch her, I kick your ass. And it means you’ll have to pick me up from hockey practice at about four-thirty.”

  I set the keys in his hand, and his dark brown eyes rest on mine for a moment.

  Bishop looks down then and starts tugging at the bundle of stuff in his arms, looking all busy like maybe being close to someone is as different for him as it is for me. “I grabbed a pair of my pants in case you didn’t want to stay in sweats all day.” A pair of jeans falls in my lap. “You’re tall anyway, so I thought they should work. And I brought a hoodie, too.” His black hoodie sits on the seat between us. “You know. Cover up so not every single guy at your school is drooling. And I think we’re supposed to put cream on your tattoo again.”

  “Wow, Mom. Thanks.” But I’m smiling wide because he did all this for me. I can’t even remember the last time someone took care of me like this.

  “Let’s do the fun part first. Show me your tattoo.” He waggles his brows, and I lift my shirt to scoot over. Well, and to feel his hands on me. And then I have a better idea.

  “Let me change into your pants first.” I pull my sweats off, and it was worth it for the look on his face as I sit in my panties to pull on his jeans. Because, to him, I’m a real girl.

  His pants are a little big, but I’ll make them work.

  When his hands touch my tattoo again, sending a rush of anticipation through me, I’m suddenly not sure if this morning is one of my worst, or one of my best.

  When I finally flop into first period, Chomps gives me a raised brow and a smirk. “Whose ass did you kick for those clothes?” .

  I flip him off but smile because they smell like Bishop. And then I remember why I’m wearing his clothes, and that I’m still mad, and that he’s home while I’m here, and if I didn’t have to be at stupid school, we could be together, and all the sadness, anger and frustration from my morning starts flooding in.

  No one bothers me for the rest of the day. I must look as furious as I feel. How could Mom not say anything about Ben? How many nights could she have been home and wasn’t? And then, the other night when she did come home, she was all in my business, trying to get me to go to bed on time, and suddenly cares what’s going on?

  And then she makes it home too late to see if I’m home or not, but not too late to screw the guy she hasn’t told me she’s seeing?

  Today is a timed mile for PE. I run four. It’s still not enough to ease the tension.

  Chapter Seventeen

  BISHOP

  I slept with Penny.

  Well, not slept with her, slept with her, but I actually fell asleep without lying around for hours first, and I actually slept through the night. And I’m not talking passed out either because those are entirely different things. All I know is, I was making out with her and it felt good, so good and so different and we were just lying there, and then her annoying phone had to go and wake us up.

  I slow down before I hit the turn in front of me. I’d love to give her a little gas, see what it feels like to get Bitty’s wheels spinning the way Penny does, but I also know I have enough marks against me that I don’t want to add crashing her truck to the list.

  That thought makes last night slam into me again. Not the good parts, either. The parts where she told me a loser who liked to party too much killed her dad. Someone just like me.

  And I didn’t tell her. I kissed her, touched her, but I couldn’t make my weak-ass mouth open to tell her the truth. I’m not stupid enough not to realize this isn’t huge. That I’m not doing the wrong thing by lying to her, but also because of everything else: the drinking, the pills, the hospital. Yeah, way too much to even count. All the ways I’ve thought I’ve been doing good since I’ve been here suddenly don’t amount to much.

  My fist itches to hit something the way she slammed her fist into the truck’s side.

  I remember her hands, and the way it felt like she punched me when I saw the blood dripping down them. It sucks to see your girl hurt, and all I wanted to do was make it better. All of it: me, the pain, and her mom. Damn, that was intense.

  And then just now… I told her how huge it was her mom lied to her, but what about me? I’m doing the same thing.

  I know I’m screwed when I get back to the cabins because her mom yelled at me to leave her alone this morning, but all I could think about was that Penny would freeze her ass off in that tank top. That she needed the cream for her tat so it heals right. That I didn’t want her to be alone when she was hurt.
It sucks to deal with that stuff alone, and I don’t want that for her. Don’t want any of the shit that clouds my life to rain down on her. She’s too good for that. Too good for me. All this time, and I’m just now realizing how screwed up I am.

  And when she finds out, she’ll probably try and kick my ass.

  I pull the truck into the driveway and park it right in front of their house, wishing like hell I didn’t have to do this, but hoping it will fix the situation. If I tell her the truth, hopefully Penny won’t get in trouble for it later. It’s not enough to forgive my sins, but maybe it can be one thing to be proud of.

  My hands shake as I jog up the stairs, but I ignore it and knock on the door. Half of me hopes Gramps opens up so we can work on the car and I can forget about her mom, but then that would make me a coward, and I’m done being afraid of everything.

  Again, I knock, louder this time, so she knows I’m not going to let her ignore me. I saw her mom’s car, so I know she’s home. A couple seconds later, the door pulls open. She’s wearing her scrubs for work and a scowl that’s probably half the size of Seldon.

  I’m so screwed.

  “Umm, hey.” My hands shove into my pockets. I’ve never had to do this kind of thing before. I joined the band so young, most of the girls I’ve dated have been groupies, so it’s not like I had to do the whole meet-the-parent thing. “I’m Bishop… Well, obviously, you know I’m Bishop. I wanted to come by and apologize about this morning. It wasn’t Penny’s fault. We were playing the drums and then she fell asleep during the movie. I should have woken her up, but I didn’t…so yeah, it’s not her fault. It’s mine.”

  If anything, the scowl is even deeper now. I wonder if Penny realizes her and her mom are alike in that they can both smell bullshit a mile away. Not that we didn’t just fall asleep, but this woman knows there was more than movie and drums going on last night.

  “It won’t happen again.” My words don’t make her stop looking at me like I’m something she stepped in. “It was an accident, but my accident.” Shut the hell up, Riley!

  “Are you done?” she asks.

  Yep, definitely screwed.

  “I know who you are, Bishop.”

  My head drops back, and I let out a breath. This is it now. She’s definitely not going to keep this secret. Not that it should be a secret anymore. Secrets mean lies, and Penny hates being lied to.

  “I’ve seen your type before.”

  The weight on my chest lessens. She doesn’t know. Not about the band and the other stuff.

  “You came here with a chip on your shoulder, your family throwing money around and renting out the place. You buy your drums, which I know had to cost a fortune, and sit around banging on them all day without a care in the world, and I was okay with that. Okay that Gramps is fond of you, that you spend half your time here when you obviously think you’re better than the rest of everyone—”

  “I don’t,” I cut her off, knowing it’s wrong, but at this point, I don’t care. “I don’t think I’m better than Gramps…Penny…”

  She holds up her hand. “Like I said, I was okay with that as long as it didn’t affect my daughter. Now it does. She’s a good girl. She loves her family. She’s smart. Incredible at hockey. She has a huge future ahead of her. She’ll be leaving soon for college, and Penny’s excited about that. I don’t want anything to get in her way. Penny may be friends with boys, but that’s the only way she’s ever seen them. She’s definitely not like that other girl I saw going into your cabin last week.”

  Ah, shit. She knows about Maryanne.

  “Her attitude this morning was so unlike her. You’re the only thing that’s changed to make her act this way.”

  My first instinct is to tell her she doesn’t know her own daughter. Yeah, Penny is all the things she said, and she’s definitely not like Maryanne, but she also doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t want the future they’re trying to shove down her throat, and second, she’s much stronger than her mom gives her credit for.

  Shaking my head, I know I’ll regret this later. This woman can kick us out, make Penny stay away from me, but I can’t keep my mouth shut. “I may be all the things you think I am, and in a lot of ways, Penny is as well, but you don’t really know her. Not if you think she’d let someone like me stand in the way of her life. She’s not afraid to step up and take whatever she wants. I don’t know a lot of people who can say that, if anyone.”

  With that, I turn and walk away from her. I should probably go pack my stuff, but I don’t. For the first time, I go to Gary’s for something other than a pill or mandatory therapy session.

  “Troy, I gotta let you go, baby,” Gary says into the phone as I step inside. And for the first time, I don’t even want to give him crap for talking to Troy so often. I actually kind of get it—especially since this Alaska thing is something they usually do together. And if I wasn’t here, I think I’d want to talk to Penny every day, too.

  “Hey.” He rubs a hand over his shaggy hair and sits down on the couch next to me, closing his laptop on the table. He’s in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, looks like he could use a shave, and I notice a new pair of earrings in his ears.

  “Gift from Troy?” I nod at his ears.

  “Yep. I doubt that’s what you’re here for, though. You doing okay?”

  Yes and no. I’m not exactly sure why I came here. “Yeah, I’m good.” Gary waits, and I realize he’s good at this. He’s probably sat with a lot of people like me who had the weight of the world on their shoulders but couldn’t make themselves talk, to make some of it fall away.

  “So…did you hear any yelling outside this morning or did you sleep through it?” This is kind of weird.

  “Are you kidding? I sleep through your drumming half the night. I can sleep through anything.”

  I scratch my head, keeping my hand as a wall between us. “So, Penny was sneaking out of my cabin this morning, and her mom caught her. I just tried to—”

  “No! No, no, no, no. I knew you guys were getting close, and it’s actually kind of romantic, but no! Don’s going to kill me. I can’t believe you boinked the girl at her mom’s house!”

  “What?” My hand falls. “First of all, a guy should never say ‘boinked.’ Second, I haven’t slept with her. I mean, I slept with her, but I didn’t have sex with her.”

  Little heart thought bubbles start floating around Gary. “Aww, you slept with her! Why, Bishop Riley. I didn’t think you had it in you. Are you in L-O-V-E?”

  He’s teasing me by trying to lighten the mood. I know that, but still don’t like it. “Nice.” I push to my feet. “I’m trying to be serious here, and you’re giving me shit.” When I start to walk away, Gary grabs my wrist.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. You didn’t have to come to me, and you did. That’s important. Sit back down, please.”

  Rubbing my hands over my face, I fall back onto the couch. “Listen, I just got into it with her mom. I think it’s safe to say she hates me and thinks I’m pretty much the spawn of the devil, so I’m not sure how much longer this gig is going to last. I know Don’s going to be pissed, but I didn’t mean for it to happen and…” I’m not ready to go. I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to be like the loser who gets in his car after partying. As soon as I think those words, I know what comes next. I am all those things everyone thinks I am, unless I can man up, at least about some of them.

  “I’m sure Penny will agree with her mom pretty soon because I’m going to tell her.” This is all eating a hole inside me, the lying. Her dad. I have to try to do something about it. “Don will probably be angry about that, too, but I don’t care.”

  Gary is surprisingly quiet, so I keep talking. “She was so pissed at her mom this morning, man. So pissed because her mom lied to her, and I’m doing the same damn thing. She’s going to freak out.” I can’t stop thinking about it. “You don’t want to deal with a pissed off Penny, but I just…” Just can’t lie to her anymore. She deserves better t
han that. I deserve better than that.

  “So yeah, I just wanted to tell you. Be prepared or whatever.” When I stand up this time, Gary is right behind me. He grabs me and pulls me into a hug.

  “We all screw up. No one is perfect. You’re a good kid, Bishop. Don’t let anyone make you think anything different. No matter what, okay?” He’s still holding onto me, and I let him. “If things don’t work out here and you’re not ready to go home, we won’t. When you’re not grumpy, you’re not so bad to travel with.” Gary laughs and lets me go.

  “I… Thanks, man.”

  He gives me a nod. “I’m serious. Wherever you want, okay? And as far as Don is concerned, I’ll take care of him. He’s not so bad if you know how to deal with him.”

  I nod again.

  “And Bishop, you haven’t even needed much of your prescription. You’re spending your time drumming and snow-whatevering instead of the things you would have done before. You’re doing good. I’m proud of you, but I want you to be proud of yourself. You deserve it.”

  No, no I don’t. “Like you said, something small every day.”

  “This wasn’t small, Bishop.”

  His cell rings.

  I shake my head, but not at him. At me because he thinks I’m much better than I am. Because the things he said I’ve done are pointless because they don’t outweigh the bad—those bad things that I’m not even honest with him about. It makes my stomach ache. “Talk to your man.” I move toward the door. “I’m going to go wait for Penny.”

  “It’s not Troy and even if it was, we’d keep talking if you wanted.”

  “I know.” And now I just need to do something to make myself deserve it.

  I take a quick shower, wondering if it’ll be the last one I get while I’m here. Before leaving, I push the baseball hat down low on my head. I’m so tired of wearing this stupid thing.

  I head to the music store for a little while to hang out with Pat. “What’s up, man?” he asks.

  “Not much. Was just bored.”

  “Cool. Been a while since you came down.”