by Jolene Perry
But I like it.
After a quick shower, I get dressed, knowing my morning is going to be boring. Today’s the game and Penny’s out to breakfast with her team. Her mom’s home so I can’t risk her wrath by going over to see Gramps. Which helps, I guess. Not being able to see Gramps takes away my excuse not to go talk to Gary. After everything he’s done for me, he needs to know about rehab. He helped me get here.
I’m feeling a little antsy. Nothing bad, but a little bit of jitters. Reasons to go into my room, into my closet so I can find my suitcase, keep tugging at me. I’m proud to say looking at my case is all I’ve done. Before talking with Gramps yesterday, I checked for my pills every day. Recounted the twelve at least once to make sure they were still there.
Now, I haven’t touched it. Haven’t stuck my fingers in that tiny slit in the fabric to make sure Gramps didn’t accidentally leave one, to make sure there aren’t any old ones from before. Gramps wanted to take them, and I’m glad he did.
And honestly…it makes me a little proud.
I head over to my drums and grab the sticks. They’re about to slam down when I remember what Penny’s mom said—about how loud I am—and I toss them to the ground. My hands are itching to play, but I don’t want to give her another reason to hate me. The list is already too long.
I use my hands to drum on my knees instead, and it’s totally not the same thing. I think about going over and borrowing one of the snowmachines, but then remember Mama Bear is home and I can’t even do that.
I’m not sure any of it would chill me out today, though, because I know what’s coming. I’m telling Penny everything. Part of me wants to do it right now. I should have done it last night, but it wouldn’t be fair before the game. I’m already in douche-bag territory, and that would tip things toward unforgivable—if they’re not already there.
That’s when it hits me, and just thinking about it the tension starts to slip out of me. Walking. I need the cold and fresh air. To see how open that big world is and realize my problems aren’t the end of it. There’s something freeing about it, and right now, I just want to be free.
Not giving a crap that it’s early, I slip on my boots and coat before trudging my way over to Gary’s place. He can go with me and tell me stories and ask questions that I might feel okay about answering now. I’m finally doing something I can be proud of—telling Penny and going to rehab.
As soon as I hit the steps, I realize the door is partway open. Time to have some fun. Sneaking up on Gary and scaring him to death will definitely distract me for a few minutes.
I’m quiet as I finish walking toward the door. I’m about to sneak inside when I hear Penny’s mom inside.
“I need to know what you guys are doing here.” Her voice is as fierce as I’ve ever heard it. Right then, I know I’m fucked.
“With all due respect, ma’am, I’m not sure that’s your business. We haven’t caused any trouble. We’re paying guests, but I don’t think that entitles you information on our private affairs.”
I want to yell “Go Gary!” and “Shut the hell up! She already hates me!” at the same time.
“It’s my business when it involves my daughter. When I catch her slinking out of his cabin in the morning, with all due respect, that makes it my business.”
It hits me like a punch to the gut, because she’s right. Or maybe not her business, but Penny’s. Penny’s my girl, and she should know the big shit about me.
Gary speaks up again. “I understand your concern, but I trust him.”
Now it’s a knife, not just a punch. Gary trusts me when he doesn’t know half the truth. When he doesn’t know about Maryanne or the pills or any of it.
He keeps talking. “I’m not saying Bishop, or anyone for that matter, is perfect, but he cares about your daughter. He won’t hurt her.”
Her mom sighs. “I’ve seen it before—girls who throw their lives away for a boy. Penny is so much bigger than Seldon. She needs to get out of here. Go to college. Do you realize she’s getting scholarships from schools that have some of the best women’s hockey teams in America? I don’t want Bishop in her way. I can see it in his eyes. Something’s not right, and I’ll be damned before I let him drag her down.”
Drag her down… It’s not that I have anything to offer Penny. She’s right. Money doesn’t matter to a girl like Penny. She wants Alaska and hockey. Even when I do get clean, I’m one of the youngest drummers to ever win a Grammy. I’ve had way more success in two years than I ever imagined, but Penny is bigger than any of that will ever be. It’s not like I can expect her to give up hockey for me. I wouldn’t if I were her, but could I give up Burn? We couldn’t have a relationship if I’m traveling all the time.
Her mom is right. The thought of holding Penny back makes my gut churn.
Gary is quiet for a few seconds. “You know, people like you piss me off. He’s a fucking kid. He hasn’t had a lot in his life, but he tries. Tries a whole hell of a lot harder than a lot of people I know. I hate this judgmental bullshit. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m damn proud of that kid. He’s a good boy, who I know will grow up into a great man. Is he perfect? Nope, but at least he knows it. He doesn’t sit up on a pedestal and condemn everyone else.”
Twist, twist, twist. The knife just keeps getting pushed in deeper and deeper. I clutch my stomach so I don’t puke. Gary’s wrong about me. I’m none of the things he said. It doesn’t matter that I’ve booked a flight home, and that I’m planning to call my Mom to help me get into rehab. I’m a liar. He’s defending me without knowing about the pills and Maryanne.
“Is that why he snuck a blond girl in here? I can’t help but wonder if he started seeing my daughter before or after her.”
Ready. Aim. Fire.
I’m dead.
I should have been the one to tell Gary about Maryanne. He deserves that and a whole lot more for the faith he puts in me. After kissing Penny, I snuck Maryanne here. She has goals and a future. She needs someone a lot better than me.
Gary’s quiet.
“Did you know about the girl?”
More quiet.
Finally, he replies. “We’ll be out by tomorrow.”
There’s never been a time I hated myself more than I do right now.
As soon as Penny’s mom goes back to her house, I come out from my hiding spot. Everything inside me is yelling…screaming at me to run away, but I’m so fucking tired of being weak, so I climb the stairs to Gary’s cabin again and knock.
There’s no typical Gary smile on his face when he opens the door. No joking. No nothing. That’s not true. There’s disappointment, my legs buckle, threatening to collapse. Everything inside me aches. I want to run away. I’m scared as hell to do this, but I have to. I can’t keep running anymore. I head straight over to the couch and sit down. “I’m sorry.”
“Was it Maryanne?” His voice is tense.
“Yeah.”
“Did you get high with her, Bishop?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit,” he mumbles, and then, “I should have known this. It was my job to fucking know.” His guilt over my screw-up jams that knife in me again. “How many times?”
I hate this. I’m so tired of disappointing everyone. Of disappointing myself. “Only once with her. That’s the only time she’s been here. I snuck some pills with me here, though. Took them off and on. I’ve also had one beer. And Maryanne mailed me some pills, but they never came. She also left some when she bailed, but I didn’t take them. Wanted to a million times, but I didn’t. I started to realize—not that it matters.”
“Where are they?” he grits out, pacing the living room.
“Gone. Gramps took them—I told him about everything yesterday and he said he’d take care of them for me.” It’s so crazy spilling it out for him like this. It hurts. It sucks. I hate this person that I am, but it also makes the tightness in my chest loosen just a little.
Those words soften his stance a little bit. Gary sighs again
before sitting on the coffee table in front of me. “How did I let this happen? I’ve done this before with Troy. I’ve been trained to do this. I should have known… I had faith in you, Bishop.”
His guilt makes me feel worse. “Fuck, I know.” Here comes the shaking. I run my hands through my hair hoping it will stop. “I know, and I hate that. Hate it all. It’s so screwed-up, but I swear, I’m done, Gary. I don’t want to touch anything anymore, and I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t matter, but I am. I’m coming clean to Penny after the game and then…I was going to talk to you. I want to go home and, you know.” I shrug. “And go to rehab.”
Gary looks me over. “Funny how you’ve decided to go to rehab all of a sudden. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t just throw words out there because you got caught. It has to come from in here.” He touches his chest.
Fear climbs up my spine. “It does. I’m not lying. I’m so fucking tired of lying. You can talk to Gramps. I told him everything yesterday. I made the decision about rehab and telling everyone the truth before you found out. I just hadn’t told you yet.”
He just stares at me, and I never realized how much I need Gary. How weak I was before he started helping me. He dropped his life for me, and he trusted me. He’s walked with me and talked with me and, hell, he’s my friend. I could have pushed him too far to go back, and that thought makes the words start rushing out of my mouth again. “It’s not your fault. I swear I’ll do better. Don’t turn your back on me…” Please, don’t turn your back on me.
He sighs. “You’ve really been thinking about his before now, Bishop? You talked to Gramps and this isn’t you grasping at straws here?”
“I swear.” I stare at the ground. “I know my word doesn’t mean much right now, but I’m telling you the truth. I…I need you.”
“And I’ll be here. You can’t get rid of me that easy. I’m not going anywhere.”
My head jerks up, and I look at him. He’s staying? “Really? You really won’t bail?”
“But I won’t be as easy on you. You’ve lost my trust. You’re going to have to earn it back, and I’m not letting this rehab thing go by the wayside. You want my help, then it’s happening.”
The urge to hug him hits me. “Thank you. I will. I’ll do whatever it takes. I just need to see Penny’s game and tell her where I’m going, then we can go.”
Gary reaches over and grabs my shoulder. “I told you, we’d take care of this together, and we will. I’m not bailing on you. Never.”
It’s like each of Gary’s words start to pull the knife free. He’s not bailing. I can still do this. “Thank you. You won’t regret it.”
Chapter Twenty-two
PENNY
“Your mom’s going to be pissed,” Bishop says as I turn off Bitty in the parking lot of the ice arena.
“Aww… Does my mom scare you?” I tease.
He shakes his head. “No, but I don’t want to cause problems, either.”
“Mom’s the one causing problems. And did you or did you not have to ask Gary if you could ride with me?” I scoot over and slide a leg across his lap until I’m straddling him in the front of my truck. This is what I need before my game—a little distraction to help me focus.
Bishop’s thumbs trace my cheekbones, and the warmth in his eyes turns my body to mush. I love everything about the way I feel with him. It’s a rush, like being on the ice, only softer, and warmer… His hands rest low on my waist, the way I’m learning he likes. And the way I’m learning I like.
I lean in for a kiss, which Bishop dodges by kissing my cheek.
“We need to talk about a few things, okay?” he says. “There’s stuff I need to tell you—”
I slide my tongue across his lower lip until I hit his lip ring, hoping to distract him. “Are you turning into a girl, Bishop Ripe? Talking about my mom and feelings and—”
He kneads my shoulders, staring at his hands. “I’m serious, Penny.”
The warmth in his eyes has turned sad, and that’s not what I need right now.
“And I’m serious when I say we can talk after the game. I need to kiss you.” I tease him with my tongue again, upper lip this time. “And then I need to focus.”
He narrows his eyes while trying to hold in a smile. “You’re impossible.”
“You love it.” I part my lips and barely touch them to his, pulling away when he opens his mouth for a kiss.
“I do love it. Now come here before you put all that gear on, and I can’t feel you anymore.” Bishop wraps his arms around my waist, making me forget everything but him and how I need to be closer. Need my body closer. Need more of his hands on me.
But the kiss is over way too soon, and Bishop’s pulling away.
He brushes a few stray hairs off my face. “You should probably go in. Hockey’s your thing. State Championship. This is a huge deal. I don’t want to distract you.”
“It is my thing.” I kiss the corner of his mouth. “I love hockey. I couldn’t function without it.”
He gets a far off look in his eyes like there are a million things buzzing around in his head.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I slide my hands down over his chest. Because Bishop and I touch each other that way. And we kiss. And after kissing him, I really want to know what it’s like to do more. I also know in a few minutes, I’m going to have to shake off this amazing feeling so I can get ready for the game. Just not yet.
Bishop takes a deep breath before smiling at me. “Nothing. Can’t wait to see you kick ass out there.”
Grinning, I lean forward to kiss him again.
“Jones!” Someone’s hockey stick clanks on my window. “Get off the guy and get your ass in the locker room!”
Mitch laughs, and Becca gives me a wave. Chomps and Matt are behind him and make kissy faces at me as they walk by.
I flip them off. Jerks.
I close my eyes for a moment, trying to clear my thoughts as I slide my fingers through his hair. “I love the way you mess with my head.”
“I love the way you mess with mine.” He stares into me. Deep. Like he always has. “Know that, okay?”
“I have to go.” I lean forward and press our lips together again. And then just touch his tongue with mine. He’s becoming a very nice addiction.
“I know. Go kick ass.” He leans forward and kisses me back. “We’ll talk after.”
“Bishop!” Gary pounds on the window as he laughs, but he’s also shaking his head.
“Okay.” I slide off Bishop, not thrilled with our interruptions, but ready to get into the game.
I even let him carry my bag.
…
Lucky bra. Lucky socks. Lucky leggings. Lucky shirt. I shake out my quivering hands. I slide on my pads and my jersey. My heart’s thrumming. Hammering. Thrumming. State. Senior year. I’m the only girl playing. I’m in the locker room alone. It’s quiet. Perfect.
My whole high school hockey career has come down to this. I’m not going home on the losing team.
Skates. I pull each step of laces tight before moving to the next. They have to be just right. Just so that I don’t have to touch them again. Tight. Ready. Helmet. Check. Mouthguard. Check. I shove Bishop out of my mind. Shove Mom out of my mind. Push away the picture of her and Ben. Thank Dad for making me love this game, which twists in my gut, but just for a moment. Reluctantly push away the picture of Bishop drumming without his shirt. Push away Gramps, after I imagine him giving me a thumbs-up.
For big games like this, I can’t even look for them in the crowd. I need to be in the zone. On the ice and nowhere else. I’m good. My head is clear. I’ve got lucky everything on, and I’m ready. I can kick ass. I can do this. My team can do this.
I stand up and head out to the ice knowing once I’m there, it’ll all fall into place. Like always.
…
I haven’t had a clear thought in the four minutes since the game started. There’s no time. The puck’s mine. Now Mitch’s. Now stolen. I fly toward number ten an
d ram him into the wall. Chomps flicks the puck back to Mitch, and ten is on my tail as I try to position myself in front of the goal.
I know Mitch. I know what’s he’s doing. He goes around the backside of their goal, and I fake like I’m moving back, but come forward just as the puck goes from Mitch’s stick to mine. I smash the thing with everything I have and hit net.
Holy. Shit. Goal one in State is mine.
I scream and throw my hands in the air. The crowd screams. Mitch slaps my back as I spin around.
“Way to go, Penny!” Matt yells from the goal.
Wow, this feels good. Better than good.
The puck’s on the ice. Back to game.
Number ten’s after me now. I can’t shake this guy, and he’s almost as big as Chomps.
At the end of first period, the score is still 1-0. Just me. Just mine. I’m gasping for air as we hit the bench.
Coach yells some words of encouragement. My whole body already hurts from being slammed. This is brutal.
“You okay, Penny?” Coach says more quietly as we head back out.
He never singles me out. “Good, why?”
“’Cause ten has it out for you. He’s a big guy.”
I just nod. This would piss me off coming from most people, but Coach has never treated me like I can’t handle myself. I hit the ice and look at the hulk of number ten again. Not a good idea. I can’t be afraid to get hit. Can’t. That’s the number one killer in a game.
I’m Penny.
No fear.
I’m fast.
I’m good.
I can play.
The puck hits the ice, and I’m back to instinct. I’ve never skated so hard, worked so fast, let instinct take over more. I can’t wait to watch this game because I know I’m playing good. UAF’s men’s coach will take me for sure after this. Still no goals from the opposing team. We can do this. I’m weak, like I’ve run ten miles, but only one more period’s gone by, which means one left and we win. One.
The whistle blows to start the final period, and number ten clips my shoulder, slamming me against the wall. A searing shot of pain goes through my arm, stealing my breath, but I can handle it. I can deal. I’m okay. My skates slice across the ice, and both teams race and weave to gain control of the puck and the game. I get slammed again. I fall. Exhaustion is taking over almost as much as the pain. Mitch flies behind the goal again, puck at the ready. I need to get in there to make sure we stay ahead.