But those days are gone. I am strong. And I don’t need someone to tell me how to live my life anymore.
By the time we get to the marina at the bottom of Battery Park, Angie is almost beside herself with nerves about seeing Sam. She keeps checking her phone, but he hasn’t texted.
“Sam was supposed to be here by now,” she mutters as we walk past the yachts bobbing peacefully in the water. “I can’t see his boat. Can you see it?”
I look out to the Hudson. Ferries and sailboats and tourist boats zip back and forth. But no Sam.
Our balloons are tied to long ribbons, bopping gently against each other in the wind. We must look pretty hilarious, like we’re about to lift right up off the ground. Tourists going past keep taking photos of us.
“Where is he?” Angie mutters. “Look for a speedboat, Coco. They’re leaving the Peripety over in Liberty Harbor Marina in Jersey City for repairs, but he said he’d get a lift straight here. Either that or hijack a fishing boat.”
“Why doesn’t he just come to Rookhaven?” I say.
“This is where we said good-bye,” says Angie. “Right here, right on this very spot. This is where I last saw him. So this is where we’re going to say hello … Oh, God, where is he?”
Angie is peering so hard into the horizon, scanning every boat that comes near, that her eyes must be aching from the effort.
“Is that him?” she says as a speedboat approaches. “Shit. It’s not.”
“I see him,” I exclaim. “Oh, no. Fisherman. Who the hell would fish in the Hudson River? Can you imagine how gross the fish must be?”
Angie doesn’t respond. I suddenly realize just how much she loves Sam. How much she must have missed him the past few months, and how much it must have hurt her to say good-bye.
“How did you do it?” I ask. “How did you say good-bye to Sam, when he probably would have stayed here if you asked him? You’d just fallen in love. It must have been so hard.”
Angie turns her gaze to me for a second, her face more serious than I’ve ever seen it.
“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I knew he’d come back to me. And I knew he had to go. When you love someone, you want him to be happy in every way, even if that means he needs to leave you to realize his dreams. That’s why we thought you liked Joe, you know. You’ve been working so hard on that prom. It’s all for him, right?”
I don’t even know what to say.
She’s right.
I want to make him happy. I really do. The whole Potstill Prom idea was just to make him happy. I found Ian James, just to make him happy. But does that mean—
“That’s Sam,” Angie chokes out the words. “There he is! I can see the shape of his head, I can see him! He’s on that little speedboat!”
We both start waving madly, jumping up and down with our gigantic red balloons bobbing over our heads. Sam waves back. He’s seen our balloons. He knows exactly where we are.
As the speedboat gets closer, Angie is almost in tears, she’s so overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation. I slip my hand into hers, and she grips it tightly.
Sam is standing up, holding on to the boat with one hand, waving at us with the other. He’s usually very clean-cut—Angie sometimes refers to him as “the Boy Scout”—but he’s grown a beard while he’s been away. His face is lit up with a huge smile.
The speedboat comes to a stop about fifty feet down the pier, and Angie rushes toward him, letting go of her balloons as she runs so they float up into the air. She throws her arms around Sam and they start kissing furiously.
Feeling like I’m intruding, I shift my gaze up to the blue afternoon sky, let go of my balloons, and watch them join Angie’s, floating away over the city, becoming tiny dots together. It’s so beautiful.
I wonder how many people across New York City can see the balloons right now. I bet they’re all smiling as they look at them.
I wonder if Joe can see them. I hope so.
And suddenly I am punched in the gut by the realization everyone else seems to have known forever.
I love Joe.
CHAPTER 35
On the way to the subway, I take out my phone and call Joe. But he doesn’t answer.
And unfortunately, I don’t think “I love you I’m sorry please love me again” is the kind of thing you can leave on a voice mail or send in a text.
But I can’t turn up to Potstill to tell him how I feel about him, and beg him to forgive me, while I’m looking like shit, all windswept and subway-sweaty. I know people do that in the movies, but this is real life. In fact, if this was a movie, I would have fallen in love with Joe the moment I met him, or the moment I kissed him, or the moment he told me he loved me.
But I didn’t.
Or maybe I did fall. But I didn’t realize. Whatever.
And if I’m going to really do this, I need to do it looking as good as I can.
So I need to go home to Rookhaven.
I also have some other amends to make. I need to talk to Madeleine. And my sister. They’re just as important as Joe.
When I walk into the kitchen at Rookhaven, Julia is there. She’s sitting at the kitchen table in her suit, staring blankly into space.
It’s midafternoon on a Friday. Why isn’t she at work?
“I was fired,” Julia says, before I can ask.
“Oh, shitballs.”
“Made redundant, officially. They got rid of my whole team, and more. Eight thousand people across the company.”
“Shitballs,” I say again.
Julia grins, finally swiveling her eyes up to meet mine. “It’s weird hearing you swear. But kind of cute.”
“I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“I think I’m in shock. I mean, I’m fine. They’ve given us an amazing severance package, and I’m sure I’ll get another job. I’m just … unemployed.” Julia’s giggle is just this side of hysterical. “This was not part of my plan.”
I sit down next to her at the table and grab her hand.
“It’ll be okay, Ju-ju.”
“I know. It’s just … unexpected. I’m not good with unexpected.”
“I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you,” I say. “I don’t think we’ve ever not spoken for this long.”
“I should have called you.” Julia looks at me, a little smile on her face. “I hate fighting with you. I’m glad you’re going home to Rochester, I think it’s a smart move. I’m so sorry about Eric and everything that you went through. I wish I’d known, I would have been there for you, I wouldn’t … I wouldn’t have judged you, I swear. I love you. And I’ll … I’ll miss you.”
I take a deep breath. This is going to be hard.
“Julia, you and Dad have always told me what to do with my life.”
Julia opens her mouth to interrupt, and I hurriedly continue.
“No, I think I wanted you to, you know, I liked it. It felt safe. But you can’t know what’s best for me. Only I can figure that out. That’s why I’ve had such a wild summer. That’s why I quit working at the preschool and was messing around with Joe. I was just … figuring life out for myself.”
Julia frowns at me. “So what are you telling me? You’re now moving back to Rochester and becoming a preschool teacher again because you figured out life for yourself?”
“No. I’m not going back to Rochester. When I thought I wanted to, I was just scared. I thought maybe I could just go back to the old me. But I’ve changed, Julia.”
“We all have,” she says. “We’ve been living here for a year. It’s a long time.”
I nod. “I know what I want to do now … I want to go to NYU.”
“Wow…” Julia stares at me. “That is huge. Are you sure?”
I tell her all about Professor Guffey. About how I’m sure that my future lies somewhere beyond this, that one day I’ll figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I need to go back to college in order to do that. I tell her how I felt when I was in class. Like a l
ight had gone on inside me.
Julia nods. “I understand. That’s how I felt at work sometimes. Like that’s exactly where I’m meant to be.”
“Right!” I say.
We smile at each other for a second.
“Something else. I know you think Joe is a loser. But”—I take a deep breath—“I love him, Julia. I really do. He’s the best person I know. Outside of you and Maddy and Angie and Pia, obviously.”
“I don’t think he’s a loser,” Julia says slowly. “I was hard on him, but I don’t really know him. And I didn’t want you to get hurt, Cuckoo.”
“If I’m going to get hurt, then that’s just the way it is. I’ve been hurt, and I’ve survived. And if it happens again, I’ll be okay. I’m in charge of my life, and if that means making mistakes, then that’s my choice. You have to stop protecting me.” I say it as gently as I can.
“Why would I think I could protect you? I can’t even protect myself from getting fired,” she says sadly.
I squeeze her hand.
“So are you and Joe, like, an official thing now?”
“No.” I bite my lip to stop myself from crying. “I broke up with him this morning.”
“You love him so you broke up with him?” Julia arches an eyebrow.
“I didn’t realize how I felt when I … never mind. The point is, I want to go to the Potstill Prom tonight, and apologize, and hope that he’ll forgive me.”
“Do you think he will?”
“That’s just it,” I say. “I don’t know.”
Julia looks me up and down. “Well, I hate to go all Fairy Godmother on you, but you can’t go to the prom looking like that.”
I grin. My sister can always make me smile.
She picks up her phone.
“I’m booking you a hair appointment. And I’m calling the girls. And we’re going to make you a goddamn prom queen.”
CHAPTER 36
“Wow,” says Pia, when I walk into her bedroom later. “Like … big wow.”
I’m wearing a silver dress that Angie picked up for me from the design studio. She dropped it off and then went back to Sam’s apartment with him, promising to meet us at Potstill later. I’ve never seen her so happy. She was smiling so wide, I could see her molars.
And this dress is better than I could ever have dreamed. It’s one of those dresses that make you feel willowy and gorgeous, so then you act willowy and gorgeous. I paired it with some silver heels of Pia’s that are high enough to make me tall but not so high that I can’t walk.
I keep thinking about Joe.
About all the times he’s been kind and supportive, not just to me but to my friends too. How he always made me feel better about myself. How much he made me laugh. How it made me happy to make him happy.
I was so wrong about him. I thought he was a fast-talking, flirtatious player and used to the rough-and-tumble of the friends-with-benefits game. I thought he was arrogant, just because he was confident and funny.
I am the worst judge of character in the history of the damn world.
And now that I look back … I can see that Joe actually cared about me.
When we very first met, sure, he flirted with Angie, but when I really think about it … from the time we had that moment on the stoop of Rookhaven, he only wanted me. He encouraged me, he believed in me. He was kind and sensitive and honest.
And he was right.
I am an asshole.
And now here I am, in this amazing silver dress, my hair done, Pia putting the finishing touches on my makeup, about to go to the Potstill Prom to ask him to forgive me.
Julia is giving me a pep talk, lounging on Pia’s bed with her laptop, while she updates her LinkedIn profile.
“So you just need to meet his eyes. You say, ‘Dude, I fucked up. My bad. I think—’”
“Christ, she loves a pep talk,” Pia whispers, applying illuminator to my face as a final touch.
Thank God, Julia stops focusing on me a moment later. “I think I’m going up upgrade my LinkedIn to Premium. Do you think it’s worth it?”
My God, I’m nervous.
I know it’s immature of me, and I know that it’s not a real prom, but in a weird way, this buzz of nerves reminds me of getting ready for my actual prom back in high school. That feeling that anything might happen. Then again, at my real prom I wore an ugly green-and-black dress that I bought because it fit, not because I liked it, and my night ended in tears and misery because Eric slept with my ex–best friend. But that won’t happen tonight.
I just hope he forgives me.
Pia and Julia are coming, of course. Not just to support me, but for Madeleine. Ian James is coming tonight; this could be her big chance to be discovered.
“Personality drink?” says Pia, offering me a glass of wine.
I shake my head. “I need to stay sharp.”
“I don’t,” says Julia, slugging the entire glass in one gulp. “I’ve already warned Peter the Magnificent he’ll be carrying me home later. More wine, please.”
I clear my throat. “So how about I say: ‘Joe, I’m so sorry. I totally love you too…’ No, that’s stupid.”
“How about, ‘My sister is an asshat and clouded my judgment’?” suggests Julia.
“Jules, you may be an asshat, but you’re our asshat,” says Pia.
“I can’t blame you, Jules,” I say. “It was my fault. My life, my choices, my fault.”
The front door slams. It’s Madeleine. We all exchange a look, and then I quickly stand up and run out to the front hallway.
“Maddy!” I say, just as she’s about to go up the stairs.
She glances at me warily and stops.
“Please hear me out, Madeleine,” I say. “I’m so sorry I told everyone about your private life. And I’m sorry it took me so long to apologize. I guess I was scared that you hated me, which is so dumb I know, but hey! That’s me. And … I’m sorry. You were my friend and I let you down.”
Madeleine gives a wry half smile.
“That’s okay.”
We gaze at each other for a second. Should I hug her? Madeleine isn’t one for hugging, historically.
“I’m really excited about your set at the Potstill Prom tonight,” I say eventually. “I hear you have some great new songs. And can you believe Ian James is coming?”
Maddy’s face falls. “What?”
“Ian James! You know, the big music producer … guy?” I falter. “Joe didn’t tell you?”
Madeleine looks like I just told her I killed someone. “Ian James?”
“Joe talked to him outside the Ace Hotel that time, and I found him and—”
Madeleine’s eyes glaze over, and I see the color literally draining from her face. It’s like seeing someone apply an Instagram filter in real life. Suddenly, she pushes roughly past me and runs upstairs to the bathroom. I run after her, but by the time I get there it’s too late: she’s locked herself in.
“Maddy?” I call. “Are you okay?”
All I can hear is the choked gurgles of someone puking.
“Hello?” I say. “Maddy? Open the door. I’ll hold your hair back.”
There’s a long pause.
“I’m going to kick open the door if you don’t come out,” I say.
Then I hear the rare sound of Madeleine laughing. “Really?”
“I mean it,” I say. “I am surprisingly powerful. In my legs. I’m like a puma.”
“A puma?” Madeleine laughs more, and my stomach unclenches. Laughing is a good sign.
“Come out, Maddy, please?”
There’s another pause, then I hear the latch click open, and Maddy steps out. She’s very pale, almost translucent. She leans against the hallway wall and slides down to the ground. She looks so exhausted that suddenly I feel tired too and slide right down next to her, prom dress and all.
“Fuck, Coco,” she whispers. “I don’t think I can do it. I feel nervous and wired and sick, my stomach hurts…”
“W
hat did you eat today?”
She shrugs. “I had a green juice for lunch.”
“Seriously? That’s not food. You don’t eat enough.”
“I’m not a food freak or anything,” Madeleine says, reading my mind. “It’s just that sometimes … I am so full of, um, feelings, I guess, that I feel like I can’t put anything else in myself. Like I can’t even swallow.”
“Is that also why you…” I don’t know how to say it. “Can you show me your arms?”
Maddy sighs. “They’re not really such a big deal. See? Just a few…” She rolls one sleeve up, and I see little white scars.
“You did that to yourself?” I say. “You wanted to hurt yourself?”
She nods, biting her top lip. “It made me feel better. Like I was letting the feelings out. Or something. I don’t fucking know why it felt good, it just did.”
“I baked when I felt bad,” I say. “It was so reassuring to make something so pretty and yummy.”
“I like pretty and yummy things too,” she says. “I just feel bad when I let myself eat them. Like I don’t deserve it. I should only eat things that I don’t love.”
“You should be nicer to yourself.”
“So should you,” says Madeleine. “You have no idea how beautiful you are.”
“I never felt beautiful,” I say. “Except when I was with Joe.” I pause, thinking for a moment. Oh God, I hope he forgives me. “You’re not going to hurt yourself again, right, Maddy?”
“I don’t think so…” Maddy says quietly. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t need to let feelings out that way anymore,” I say. “You have music. You can sing, Madeleine. When you sing, everything stops.”
She laughs, shaking her head. “I’m not that good.”
“You are!” I say. “Ian James already loves you. He saw you singing outside the Ace Hotel that night, and he thought you were amazing. He’s coming tonight to see you. So all you have to do tonight is be yourself. He’ll be blown away. I believe in you, Madeleine.”
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