by Amelia Wilde
“You’re getting a graduate degree.”
“An online graduate degree.”
“That’s more than most people have.”
She looks back at me, the corners of her mouth turning down. “I didn’t mean to—”
“No, it’s okay. It’s my own damn fault I don’t have a degree.”
“You could still go to school.”
I think of what Domino would say if I told him I had a school schedule that was going to take up most of my time, and it’s not pretty. “Maybe.”
“You could.” Zelda’s face is wide open with possibilities. “Was there something you wanted to go into aside from…security?”
She’s so gentle with the way she asks. I know she wants to know more about my job, but I just don’t want to tell her. I just don’t want to. I put a hand to my chin, rubbing at the stubble there. “I haven’t thought much about it.”
“Really?”
“Did you think for a long time about becoming a librarian?” It’s my turn to tease, and the smile is immediately back on her face, along with something more rueful.
“Are you asking if I went to college with the express intention of becoming a librarian?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“No way. I went to college to get an English degree. Somewhere along the way, I thought it would be—” She shakes her head. “I thought it would be cool to manage archiving important documents in a city somewhere, a big city, where everything is always happening.” A cloud moves across her face. “But when I graduated I just couldn’t…I couldn’t pull the trigger on moving away.”
“Why not?” I’ll never forget, as long as I live, the intense relief I felt when I stepped off the train on the other side of the city from my dad’s house. It didn’t matter that I had to live in apartment complexes with crumbling walls and shitty landlords, but Zelda—she’s different. She’s not willing to leave everything behind.
Maybe she won’t want to leave me behind, either.
The thought floats forward from the back of my mind, but I let it go by the wayside. Once she finds out about me – the real me – she’s probably not going to want to have anything to do with me. She just strikes me as that kind of person. A good person.
“You know,” she says, lamely. “It just didn’t seem like the right time.” There’s more to this, but she focuses on me again. “There’s really nothing you wanted to do?”
“I was pretty focused on other things when I moved out of my dad’s house.”
“Wanted to be on your own?”
“Had to be.”
“Did you like it?”
I think about all the dishes I washed, my arms up to my elbows in scalding water, the boxes I hauled for fourteen-hour shifts. “It was better than what I was coming from.”
Zelda’s lips press into a thin line, but she doesn’t press me. “It’s not so bad living at my parents’ house.”
“I wouldn’t think so. It looks like a nice place.”
“They just still worry so much.”
Still worry. Still worry, like they’ve been worrying for a long time. What could a person like Zelda ever make her parents’ worry about? “Still? Were you wild as a teenager?”
Color rises to her cheeks. “No. I really wasn’t. Not until…” Her voice trails off.
“Until what?”
“I dated a guy.”
Here it is.
“Let me guess—somebody really nice.”
“No. He wasn’t.”
“Did something happen?”
“Doesn’t something always happen?”
We’re talking about the high school version of Zelda, years ago, and still my stomach curdles at the thought of anything happening to her. I can’t find the words to ask her. I don’t know if I should ask her.
“It wasn’t rape,” she says softly, looking straight ahead. “He was into…doing reckless stuff, and I couldn’t get enough of him. One night—” She takes a deep breath, then squares her shoulders. “One night he had this idea to go to a bonfire up in the hills. You know the place I’m talking about?”
I do. It’s outside Greenville, a place where teens go to start bonfires and drink without the cops showing up. It also happens to be next to an abandoned quarry.
“I don’t remember why, but he wanted to walk by the quarry. I’d had a couple beers to drink, so I wasn’t…I wasn’t thinking straight, and I convinced my best friend to go with me. My…former best friend, I guess. She and I don’t talk anymore.”
“What happened?”
“He was fooling around, getting close to the edge, and I was scared, trying to pull him back, but my balance wasn’t good. Ellie was in there with us, holding onto my arm, trying to get us both out of there, but—”
“Shit.”
“Ellie and I both fell, but she fell farther.”
“But you were okay?”
“I was…I broke my leg. She ended up paralyzed from the waist down.”
Zelda looks stricken, but she’s trying to cover it up. I put my hand on her shoulder and rub a little bit, then drop it back to my side. “That’s fucked up.”
“So I try to play it on the safe side.”
I can see why.
The feeling that hits me next is so powerful I almost have to stop walking, and it almost comes out of nowhere.
I’d pull her back from any cliff. I’d go over first, if it came to that.
Chapter 21
Zelda
I take a big breath and wriggle my shoulders. “So, now you know.”
“Now I know.”
“You know why I’m a small-town librarian instead of off starting a career in the big city.”
“The big city isn’t that great.” Sawyer looks down at me with real concern in his eyes.
“You like it.”
He smiles, shaking his head. “I still like the city. But maybe the suburbs have something to offer, too.” His voice dips down at the end of the sentence, and I have to catch my breath. If I’m not careful—if I don’t “play it safe,”—then I’m going to be on fire for the rest of my shift.
Who am I kidding? That’s going to happen anyway.
“We should turn around.”
“Has it been that long already?”
I circle him on the sidewalk and start heading back toward the library.
“Mrs. Sanders will be waiting for me.”
“Is that the woman behind the desk?”
“No, that was Donna. I think she has a crush on you.”
“Most women have a crush on me.” He says it casually, teasingly, and it makes me laugh.
“That doesn’t surprise me.”
“Why not?”
“Are you fishing for compliments?”
“I would never.”
“You’re really, really attractive.”
“Don’t I know it?”
“You’re so modest.”
“I think you’re modest enough for both of us.” He casts a look at my skirt and top.
“I work in a library. I’m not normally this—” Another laugh bubbles up. “No, I am. Except when I go out.”
“Right,” Sawyer says, reaching out a hand. “Listen.”
“This seems serious.” My heart beats faster. “Why are you making that face?”
“Because it is serious.” His blue eyes lock on mine, and he steps in closer. He smells like soap and sunshine and spice, and on the next breath it’s all I can do not to rip his shirt away from his body. “It’s very serious.”
“What is it?”
“You said that you weren’t available until Friday.”
“I did say that.” I said it because it’s true. I’m supposed to be working on a group project on Thursday night, and making sure I don’t fall behind on my classes, and that’s all after my shifts at the library.
“I can’t wait that long.”
“For what?”
“To take you on a real date.” He steps back, and I stay where
I am on the sidewalk, even though I want to step forward into his arms and never leave the safety of his embrace. “And trust me, I’m the last person that knows what the hell they’re doing on a real date, but I want to take you somewhere nice.”
“And you can’t wait until Friday?”
“No.” He keeps his face stony. “I cannot wait, Zelda.”
I raise my eyebrows. “What are we going to do about that?”
“Cancel your class.”
“I don’t have a class. I have a study group.”
“Reschedule it.”
“Are you asking or telling?”
“I’m begging.”
By the time Sawyer drops me off at the library to finish my shift, I’m breathless and pretending not to be. I’m superheated, thinking of him—and it was an innocent walk.
Only walking with him made me want things to get much less innocent.
Shady career or not, I like him. I like him a lot. Maybe too much.
Maybe I’m in over my head again.
Talking about what happened with Eric was a relief, but Sawyer is like an Eric, but all grown up and smarter.
But he would never ask me to walk next to a quarry when I’d had a few drinks. All the time we were walking, Sawyer was watching for cars, then looking back at me. On the way back, whenever we’d cross the streets, he’d put his hand on my arm, just above my elbow, just in case.
How bad can he be?
How much am I willing to risk?
I settle in behind the circulation desk, taking Donna’s place, and take in a deep breath.
I’m seeing everything with new eyes. It’s a job at the library. I could get one of those anywhere. I could move anywhere, because my degree program is online, and I could start doing the things I always wanted to do.
But what did I really want to do, other than have a little excitement? A little thrill?
Sawyer is breathing plenty of excitement into Greenville, and we haven’t even done anything out of the ordinary.
He is out of the ordinary.
“How was your date?”
Donna asks the question in a low voice as she moves past me on her way to the copy room, and I give her a look. “That wasn’t a date.”
“What else do you call it when an attractive young man takes you out for a walk?”
“A walk.”
She clicks her tongue at me. “Why wasn’t it a date?”
“We haven’t been on a real date.”
“Really?” Her eyebrows go up again. “The way he looked at you, I thought—”
“The way he looked at me?”
“Like he was never going to take his eyes off you again.”
I should have been paying more attention while we were walking out, clearly.
“He’s just a friend.”
“Right,” Donna says, a knowing smile on her face. “Until the big date. When’s that going to be?”
It’s not as if Sawyer was going to use the word “begging” and not convince me to go out with him.
“Thursday night.”
“You’ll tell me all about it, won’t you?”
“Of course I will. How could I keep it to myself?”
Donna laughs. “I’d sure keep him to myself. You’d better not let him out of your sight.”
The space between my legs is humming with desire. If I can just get another five minutes to myself, I might be able to make it through the day. I open my mouth to ask Donna if I can just run to the restroom, but stop short.
Sawyer is standing by the entrance. He hasn’t gone home.
Our eyes lock.
I grab a pile of papers from the desk and put a hand to my forehead. “Copies! I’ll be right back.”
Donna gives me a look, but doesn’t say anything.
Sawyer, because he’s not an idiot, looks at the direction I’m heading and disappears back out the door.
At the opposite entrance, I stand in the small lobby next to the stairwell. “Did you forget something?”
His eyes are intent on mine. “Yes.” He rubs a hand over his lips. “If I could just…see you for one more minute.”
I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t.
“Follow me.”
I lead him quickly up to the second floor and into a storage room that houses an ancient copy machine, then shut the door quickly behind us.
As soon as the door closes, his hands are on me, and my entire body sighs with relief and surges with fear at the same time.
“I shouldn’t—”
“The more you argue,” he says, voice low and sexy, “the more likely it is that somebody is going to come in here and find us out.”
The next few moments I’m lost, lost in the ferocity of his kisses, lost in his hands on my ass, lost in finally burying my fingers into his shirt and yanking him closer to me, lost, lost, lost.
“God, Sawyer.”
“You don’t have to stop,” he says.
A knock at the door cuts into the moment, shattering it on the ground. I’m instantly on edge.
We both freeze.
“Yes?” I say it like there’s absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happening, but if anyone opens that damn door—
“Zelda?” It’s Donna. “Mrs. Sanders is looking for you.”
She doesn’t touch the doorknob.
“I’ll be right there.”
Sawyer’s eyes dance as Donna’s footsteps recede down the hall.
“That was close.”
“Get out of here,” I say, pushing him away playfully. “Get out of here before you get me fired.”
“Don’t forget about our date.”
He doesn’t hesitate, just opens the door and strides out into the hall like he owns the entire building.
I take a deep, trembling breath. How could I forget?
How can I wait?
Chapter 22
Sawyer
I’m almost asleep on Wednesday night when my phone vibrates on the bedside table, and I drag myself out of the doze to see what the hell it is.
Zelda’s name on the screen bulldozes through my irritation.
I’m not some fragile woman
Something is definitely on her mind, and it’s probably all mixed up in that little visit we paid to the storage closet. This is on another level.
You’re up late…
Our walk is on my mind
Did we go too far?
Ha, ha.
I’m listening.
I’m not fragile. I’m here because it was a smart thing to do, not because I’m afraid to move.
It’s okay if you’re afraid to move.
There’s a long pause, and I wonder if I’ve said a fucking stupid thing.
You’re not afraid of anything
That’s not true
I settle back into the pillows. It’s past midnight, so we’re in that time of extreme honesty, and it shows in Zelda’s messages. She’s usually asleep by now, and I blink my eyes hard. This is rare.
What are you afraid of?
It’s a little ironic that she’s messaging me because she doesn’t want me to think she’s weak, but she wants to know what my weaknesses are. This isn’t a topic of conversation that comes up in my line of work, and my line of work means that I don’t spend a lot of time making friends. The only person I can think of who would ask me this kind of thing is Max, and it’s not like we’ve ever been big on heart to hearts.
But Zelda…
I could say anything to her, and she’d take it in with those big green eyes.
Never getting to go on a date with you.
What’s going to happen between today and tomorrow?
You never know.
Cryptic…
You just never know.
Do you have to work or something?
No. Why?
Because maybe a security job is dangerous at night.
It’s dangerous most of the time.
This is as close as we’ve come to talking direct
ly about what I actually do at work
I wouldn’t know about that. I’m just a sexy librarian.
Too sexy for your own good.
I could do it if I wanted.
Do what?
Move to the city.
I know you could.
Can I ask you something?
Anything
Are you just…having fun while you’re in town?
With you?
Yeah, with me.
I have to think about how to answer this. My heart beats a little bit harder.
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Can you…say a little bit more on that topic?
I don’t want to say the wrong thing
It’s past midnight. Anything goes
It brings a smile to my face. That’s my girl, I think, and the thought makes me so fucking happy I can’t stand it. And she’s not even my girl.
Not yet.
I’ve never wanted to know this much about anyone else.
I haven’t either.
We can talk to each other
We talk to each other a lot
You should tell me a secret about you.
You already know my biggest secret.
About your friend?
Yeah
That’s really a secret?
It’s not something I talk about
I get that.
I wait a minute, and then I send a follow-up.
But it doesn’t have to be a secret.
What do you mean?
It was a freak accident
I shouldn’t have been up there. If I hadn’t convinced her to go she’d be fine
Shit happens, you know?
Has that kind of thing happened to you?
A freak accident? Not really, unless you count being my dad’s son
What does that mean?
We should get into that another time
I don’t want to tell her about all that over a text message.
Like tomorrow?
Yes. Like tomorrow. On our date!!!