Tyrian never realized she cried, but he was intuitive enough to recognize that their first time wasn’t what it should have been. In the end, he held her back to his front and whispered hopeful words regarding their next time. There wouldn’t be a next time.
Although he was gentle and did everything a woman could expect, it was the most painfully intimate experience of her life—one she had no intention of repeating. Physically, she wanted an intimate connection, but that sort of emotional intimacy could not be forced. She’d forced herself to do this and it was simply too soon. She wasn’t ready.
Tyrian was not the man for her. Or more accurately, she was not the woman for him. He deserved someone who could offer him one hundred percent, but sleeping together proved that her heart still belonged to someone else.
It was simply too excruciating to re-cross certain lines and she wasn’t ready—no matter how much she wanted to be. Her logic didn’t matter. Her libido didn’t matter. All that mattered was her heart, and that might be more broken than she wanted to admit.
Distracting herself with the motions of moving on had healed nothing. More time wasted.
When Tyrian called, she made excuses not to see him, but after a few days he asked her point blank if something was wrong.
“We’re moving a little too fast for me.” It was the most honest excuse she could give him.
She didn’t think other adult couples waited fifteen dates to sleep together, but she didn’t know what else to tell him. Tyrian made a valiant effort to convince her not to give up on them, but she was done. She was done with trying to find a replacement for the one man, the only man, she wanted.
If it happened it happened, but she wasn’t going to waste any more time searching for a soulmate when everything inside her believed she was destined to be alone.
Summer approached and that meant fewer obligations with Toni once school let out. She was stuck in the past, but time continued to move on. In a little over a year her sister would be driving and Isadora would be even less necessary than she was today.
The idea that she might soon be obsolete in some way terrified her. She needed to feel necessary, but every person she loved was outgrowing her help.
Late May, unable to sleep, she went to the kitchen to make a cup of chamomile tea. Sitting in the library, she stared at her surroundings, wondering how she felt at home in a house that wasn’t hers. The furniture, the old books, the drapes … they were all forgotten pieces of her parents’ prior life. She was as forgotten as the chair she sat in while she sipped her tea.
Her gaze rested on the ornate chess set for a long while, recalling how her father would badger Lucian on a regular basis, challenging him, never once letting the little boy win a match.
Kings, queens, bishops, knights… Onyx and ivory little figures set in perfect rows. She pitied the pawns, with their low stature and unimpressive detail. But she envied the royal figures for the ease in which they moved, never hesitating to change the game.
Why was it taking her so long to change her life? She’d become more independent. She’d saved money. But her larger goals still seemed a million miles away. More powerful players inserting obstacles she wasn’t sure she could pass.
She was a pawn.
Her life only moved when it served others. Her one duty was to protect her brother and sister, a pawn meant to shield a king and queen. Insignificant. Sacrificial.
The bishops were able to cut across the playing field in one swift move, jerking the game back and forth. Every piece had some sort of privilege, but not the pawns.
Pawns lived a lifetime of slow aggression, one isolated square at a time. Everyone knew the pawns were the first to be knocked out of the game, the sacrificial lambs with such little value they were rarely missed once they were gone.
Players rarely considered the sacrifice of the pawn.
There were, however, ways for pawns to get promoted. If they were brave enough to push past the bishops and other pieces blocking their way, they could make it to the other side. If a pawn succeeded, it then became a queen.
She was tired of being a pawn, tired of making sacrifices for everyone but herself. But she honestly didn’t know if she was meant for more.
Her hand reached out, slowly sliding an ivory pawn out of line. She stared at the piece for so long the room illuminated with predawn light.
Turning the board, she slid an onyx pawn forward. The white pawn advanced again. And then the bishop slithered out of hiding, landing in the neighboring square.
It was her move, but she wasn’t sure how to proceed, because like her actual life, she always seemed to be competing against herself. If she traveled forward, she could leave the bishop behind. Perhaps it would get knocked out of the game completely—lost forever.
Her alter ego, the fed up darker side of her soul, challenged her every move, determining which direction the onyx pieces should move and setting obstacles in her path. She was partial to the ivory figures, but the white pieces only seemed practiced at playing defense. Perhaps it was time she did something aggressive and switched to offense. Maybe that was the way to change the game.
Her fingers hesitated over the board, her eyes seeing no sensible way to take the bishop or move the ivory pawn. It was a mind game, one she was playing against herself. The white pieces were hers and the dark figures were every obstacle holding her back.
Leaving the game, she went to the desk and opened her laptop. Signing online, she filled in the search bar, her history predicting what she sought before she finished typing the first word.
The local university’s website opened and she clicked on the admissions page. Her mouse toggled through the menu until she was staring at the online enrollment form. Her personal information slowly appeared on the screen. It was time to make a move. Drawing in a deep breath, she hit send.
“No more excuses,” she whispered. She was done being a pawn.
As she walked past the chessboard on her way out of the library, she paused. Without thinking of the consequences, she moved the queen into the center and took out the bishop. No more games.
Chapter Fourteen
“Love cannot be controlled.
Either let it control you or it will destroy you.”
~Tibet Roux-Patras
College was perhaps one of the most fulfilling decisions of Isadora’s life. Her few Italian credits from the community college transferred and she was moving toward a four-year degree in human resources.
Starting in the summer seemed a wise choice. It gave her time to adapt and there weren’t as many students on campus that time of year, so finding her way around was less overwhelming.
She loved the library, where she spent most of her time. There were so many books and cozy corners to read. There was even a little coffee shop on the first floor. She used the building to study, because at home there were too many distractions, too many things pulling her back into old habits.
By the time the fall semester started she had found her groove and enhanced her course load. She was a few years older than most of her classmates, but never the oldest person in a class. Regardless, no one treated her like she didn’t belong.
Her proctors and the students spoke to her as an equal, which did amazing things for her confidence. It was a beautiful and ordinary feeling, and when she got her first C, she felt so normal she celebrated. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that this was where she was meant to be.
After seeing Lucian graduate, she knew she wanted to do the same. She might never have the success her brother seemed destined for, but she wanted a degree—possibly more than one. Her goal was to become so qualified she would never doubt her worth again.
She loved learning and, once Toni started driving, Isadora was able to increase her course load again and open her roster to night classes. Though she started late, her ability to take winter and summer courses allowed her to earn her bachelor’s degree in three short years.
College had become the perfect su
bstitute for free time, which accumulated the more independent Toni became. While her sister still required her presence on occasion, when she didn’t need her, Isadora no longer bore the same adrift feelings she suffered when Lucian had approached adulthood. This time she was handling life’s natural sequence of events much better, because she had a sense of her future ahead.
She was always cramming or researching. There was no time to feel lonely. It was incredibly fulfilling. Time flew and in what felt like a blink of an eye, it was over.
Never in a million years did she expect to go to college, earn a degree, and graduate before she celebrated her thirtieth birthday. They were the most exciting three years of her life. And no one could take her accomplishments away from her.
Her pride in her own achievements was overshadowed, however, when her little sister finally graduated high school. Twelve years of conferences and school events were now just a memory. It was a day Isadora had once feared more than anything else, but her own experiences had prepared her for the next step. For all of them it seemed a chapter was coming to a close.
As Isadora watched Toni turn her tassel and blow them a kiss, Lucian squeezed her hand. Her fingers folded around her brother’s and she swallowed tightly.
Lucian glanced at her and smiled. “You’re responsible for that.”
Isadora wiped her eyes and let the moment wash over her. When the final commencement speech was made and the students threw their caps in the air, Isadora stood and emphatically applauded her sister’s milestone.
Toni found them in the crowd, her radiant smile priceless, her eyes beaming with pride. As she raced to Isadora she cheered, “I did it!”
“I’m so proud of you.” Isa pulled her into a hug, equally proud of the achievement.
They celebrated with an elaborate dinner at Patras, including the three of them, Monique, Shamus, and Slade. It was a one-sided sort of awkward seeing Sawyer’s son, but Slade had been a part of their lives for far too long to exclude him from family moments.
“Congratulations, brat,” Shamus said, pressing a kiss to Toni’s cheek and handing her a card. Pulling a hand from behind his back he revealed a stunning bouquet of flowers.
Her sister glanced up at him with a smile only Shamus seemed able to earn. “Thank you.”
“Next is ruling the world, right?”
Toni’s lips pursed as a dimple formed in her rosy cheeks. “I might break a few hearts first. Ruling the world can be so time consuming.”
Shamus’s smile slipped, until he realized she was kidding. “Just make sure no one breaks yours.”
Isadora sipped her wine. Lord help them all if her sister ever got her way and actually went after her childhood crush. Now that Toni was a legal adult there was really nothing stopping her.
Nothing but Lucian.
There came a moment, sometime after the main course and before the dessert, that Isadora watched her brother and sister laughing together, teasing one another and looking like the picture of happiness. She wanted to mark that moment in time and travel back to it over and over again.
That brief glimpse of life was sweet and good. No emptiness could be found and no heartache could intrude. They were … satisfied.
As a graduation present to both of them, she and Toni spent two weeks in Rome that summer. It wasn’t the trip to Italy Isadora envisioned years ago, but what she always said she’d do if she ever mastered the language. They visited the Coliseum, the Pantheon, threw coins in the Trevi Fountain, and even took a train to France to pay their father a short visit.
“I don’t understand why we have to waste a day on him,” Toni complained. “When I got in a car accident last fall, he couldn’t be bothered. For the time it takes to get to his house, we could have gone to Capri for the weekend.”
Isadora sighed. “We can’t come to Europe and not visit him, Toni.”
“He comes to The States and doesn’t visit us.”
Isa raised a brow. “Are you sad about that?”
She crossed her arms and glared out the train window. “No.”
“Look at it this way, he’ll probably give you something for graduation.”
That seemed to help. Although it was a pathetic reason to tolerate their father, someone they should look forward to visiting.
The most exciting moment of their visit to France was seeing Claudette. The older maid greeted them with bracing hugs and tears of affection. But even Claudette couldn’t shield them from the abrasive flaws of their father’s character.
“What do you plan to do with yourself now, Isadora?” His tone implied she’d been wasting her life away up until that moment.
“I’m not sure. Get a job, I suppose.”
His brow twitched. “You’re a Patras. If you insist on having a career then people should work for you, not the other way around.”
“I don’t want to be a CEO, Daddy. I just want to contribute to something.”
Toni kept her eyes on her plate, likely trying to be as invisible as possible so she didn’t get interrogated next.
“You better find an ambitious man if you don’t plan on making your own success. Christ knows if your brother keeps it up, I’ll have nothing but debt to leave you when I’m gone.”
Ignoring the barb at Lucian’s recent acquisition of the United States Patras Hotel, she tried not to take offense. She’d worked damn hard to accomplish all she had and she would not allow him to devalue her efforts.
“I don’t need a man to feel successful,” she informed him, glad to hear the truth behind her own words.
“This isn’t about feelings. It’s about reality. You either make something of yourself or you don’t. The world doesn’t need another secretary and feeling successful isn’t the same as being successful. Didn’t college teach you that?”
Her sister glared at him and Isadora reached under the table, placing a calming hand on her knee, but it didn’t stop Toni’s temper. “Isa has a degree. She’s qualified for more than clerical work. She’ll be fine.”
“A glorified event planner,” their father grumbled. “Human Resources isn’t what I’d call ambitious. An eighty thousand dollar education blown on a middle class career choice. First step in success is knowing what’s profitable.”
There was no point in arguing with someone who clearly viewed the world differently. Human Resources was a perfectly respectable field. She didn’t need his approval to realize that.
The rest of their visit followed much the same tone and when they were on the train back to Italy she and Toni decided it would be best to get drunk.
Toni was laughing hysterically, coming up with majors that might irritate their father. “I might get a degree in philosophy just to push him over the edge.”
“With a minor in liberal arts,” Isadora added.
Laughing and making light of their father’s impossible standards helped mask a bit of the pain inflicted during their short visit. Though she didn’t need his approval, his lack of recognition was insulting.
She’d covered for him for fifteen years and he never once thanked her. This would likely be her last visit to France.
When they returned to The States, Lucian had Dugan pick them up from the airport. Since graduating, her brother had less and less time for family, something that concerned Isadora.
Mid-August, when they had a college sendoff dinner at the house for Toni, Isadora cornered Lucian in the den.
“I want to ask you a favor.”
He arched a brow. “What do you need?”
Pulling him to a chair so she had his full attention, she sat across from him and took a deep breath. “A long time ago you said you’d help me buy this house from Daddy.”
“It’s a lot of house, Isa.”
“It’s my home. I want to get a mortgage and—”
“Just buy it outright. I’ll lend you the money and you can avoid getting slaughtered by interest fees.”
“No. I want to buy it and I don’t want to use my savings for more
than the down payment. I’ve done the math and I think I can afford it within a few years.”
“Dad should just give it to you. It’s the least he owes you.”
“That’s not what I want either. I want you to give me a job, Lucian.”
He laughed. “Really?”
“Yes. I’d like something in Human Resources, but I’ll take anything you can offer.”
He studied her and smiled as if she’d surprised him. “You got it.”
Not expecting him to agree so easily, her guard went up. “Just like that?”
“Just like that. I’m starting a new company, one that’s totally unassociated with Dad. I need someone to help me with the hiring and I trust your judgment. Consider yourself the new head of Human Resources.”
She laughed, thinking if this was how he interviewed potential hires, he definitely needed someone to help him weed out the riffraff. “When can I start?”
“Monday.”
Giddy and a bit nervous, she threw her arms around him in an exuberant hug. “Thank you!”
He grunted and eased her back. As he stood, he said, “I have some appointments Monday morning, but my assistant, Seth, will be there. Shamus will be stopping by, too. He’s a silent partner in the company. We’re meeting with Slade and Sawyer Bishop around noon to go over candidates for the open positions. I’d like you to sit in on the meeting.”
She tried to school her expression, her excitement syphoning out of her at hurricane speeds. “The B—Bishops are a part of this?”
“No, but I’m also looking into buying out Dad’s share of Leningrad. Eventually Slade will be taking over his father’s spot as well. It’s in their best interest to help me headhunt new employees. In time, we might merge into one corporation. Sawyer’s open-minded enough to know it’s a strong possibility.”
She heard his words, but none of them registered. All she could do was think of Sawyer.
It had been almost four years since they last spoke or saw each other and she wasn’t sure how to emotionally prepare for seeing him again. Not only would she be seeing him, they’d be meeting in front of other people.
Sacrifice of the Pawn: Spin-Off of the Surrender Trilogy (Surrender Games Book 1) Page 18