After all the years they’d spent together, she never viewed their relationship as a solely sexual one. So why did everything feel like it was falling apart once the sex faded? It wasn’t just sex.
Sawyer had never been easily irritated, but some nights she questioned why he invited her over at all. They’d watch television and snuggle, but when she tried to do more he either made an excuse or got frustrated, like she was some sort of deviant for wanting to fuck her boyfriend.
If she complained, he apologized, making more excuses about work, stress, and exhaustion. Then he’d do things to her, leaving her satisfied, but not the way he used to.
She wasn’t an idiot and his behavior was beyond transparent. Foreplay was a poor replacement for making love, whether she reached completion or not.
If they were dealing with a situation a pill could fix, she assumed he’d address the problem. But things were only getting worse and she feared they were up against something bigger, something even she wasn’t ready to talk about.
Their hot and cold love life was giving her emotional whiplash and her self-esteem was getting bruised from all the ups and downs. She knew they had to confront whatever was happening, but she was afraid of the outcome.
Grabbing her purse, she drove to his house, unsure what kind of mood he’d be in. She didn’t want a fight. She was looking for a solution.
She let herself in and called for him. “Sawyer.”
He came around the corner, a look of surprise on his face. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s nice to see you, too.” She put her purse on the hall table.
“I thought you had family dinner tonight.”
“Everyone left.” Apparently she was intruding on something. “Do you want me to go?”
“Of course not. I was just watching television. Come in.”
She followed him to the couch, irritated that this was their best option. TV didn’t allow for much talking and they needed to discuss things. “Let’s go out.”
He frowned at her. “It’s ten o’clock.”
“So. It’s the weekend. Let’s do something.”
“Isadora, by the time we arrive somewhere it’ll be almost midnight.” By somewhere he meant a place where no one would recognize them.
She wanted to scream. She was sick and tired of all the obstacles cluttering their day-to-day life. Love shouldn’t be this complicated. However…
Don’t go there…
“What’s happening to us, Sawyer? We never make plans anymore and you’re always making excuses and claiming you’re busy, but whenever I pop in you’re just sitting around.”
“That’s not true.”
But it was true. He seemed to direct all his energy toward things that didn’t concern her. Then, when she got to spend time with him he was in decompression mode. It didn’t make sense for him to be this burnt out from work alone.
Paranoia that something else might be going on had become a daily hurdle her brain tiptoed around. But the longer this went on the more suspicious his behavior seemed.
Glancing at him, she frowned. He focused on the television as if she wasn’t even there.
Her worst fear slipped out, “Is… Is there someone else?” The words physically hurt to say.
He turned sharply and scowled at her. “Isadora.”
“What? I don’t know. Some nights I call and you don’t even answer. I don’t understand what’s happening to us.”
“How could you even ask such a thing?” he snapped, clearly offended.
“I’m sorry. I just worry I’m not enough for you anymore or that I don’t satisfy you like I used to.”
Shutting off the television, he stood. “You’re more than enough for me. Are you staying over? I’m going to bed.”
Hurt that he was brushing off a conversation they clearly needed to have, she sighed. “I’m going home.”
Another week went by without much more than a quiet dinner shared between them. At her wits’ end, she did the unthinkable and checked his phone while he was in the shower, but there were only a few texts, none of them anything to get alarmed about.
Frustrated with his sketchy behavior, the next week she searched his medicine cabinet. It turned out she wasn’t the only secret Sawyer was keeping.
Holding the answer in her hand she fought the urge to cry. That little bottle of pills represented so much.
She’d been blaming herself, questioning his feelings, and her self-esteem had been on a downward spiral. Not only that, this was a lie he’d been keeping between them, something he promised never to do.
Gritting her teeth, she sniffed and blinked back her tears. Marching into the bedroom, she flung the pill bottle at his chest and he caught it with a startled look.
“Did you think I’d care that you were taking them?” she’d shouted, glaring at him.
“What the hell were you doing in my cabinets?” he barked, chucking the bottle into a nightstand drawer and slamming it shut.
“Maybe I was searching for aspirin. I go in your cabinets all the time!”
“You were snooping !”
“Fine, I was snooping. But you won’t talk to me about this and I don’t know why. I tell you everything and it hurts to know you’d hide this from me. Did you think I couldn’t tell?”
“It’s none of your business!”
“ Well it should be! I’m your—”
Her words cut off.
Over twelve years since they started this and she still didn’t know what she was to him. She shoved the disturbing thought away and took a steadying breath.
In a calmer voice, she said, “Sawyer, I don’t care that you need to take them.”
“I don’t need to take them,” he growled. “My doctor gave them to me. Count them. They’re all there.”
“But… Then why do you have them?” If he didn’t need them, wouldn’t they be sleeping together?
“Jesus Christ, Isadora. Some things are just private.”
“Is… Is it me?”
He sneered at her. “Stop making this about you. I told you, we’re fine.”
“We are not fine, Sawyer! I’ve put up with plenty and pretended it was normal, but not this ! Some nights you fuck me and some nights you don’t. If it’s not a physical issue, I want to know what it is!”
“It’s not you,” he said between clenched teeth. “It’s me . I’m fifty-six! It’s exhausting trying to keep up with you. You’re in your prime, Isadora. My prime was thirty years ago! I warned you something like this would eventually happen, but you refused to listen! The pills are precautionary.”
Maybe he said more. She wasn’t sure. The moment he’d described her presence in his life as exhausting she lost track of the conversation. Her vision blurred as she breathed slowly, wondering how he could say such a hurtful thing.
Flashbacks from before came hurtling out of her buried memories and she winced. She would not let him make this her problem. No. He was equally accountable in this relationship. They were going to talk this through until it was resolved. And he was not going to blame her for his lie.
Keeping her voice calm, she said, “I never expect anything from you, Sawyer. Not your commitment, your name, your money, or even your love. How dare you treat me like the source of your frustration? If you’re tired of our relationship, then have the balls to say so. You hid this from me, knowing full well I’d blame myself. The only thing I ever asked of you was honesty, and you’ve been keeping this secret for how long?”
The sharp angles of his face softened and his shoulders lowered. He glanced at the nightstand. “You’re right,” he said slowly. “This isn’t your fault. I’ve had the pills for months, but I don’t like the way they make me feel. I should have thrown them away.”
His apology sounded heartfelt and she could see he was embarrassed by this, but there was no need for him to feel ashamed. There had to be other options. Diet, maybe a change in routine. He was too young to go through something like this.
> She crossed the room to comfort him and he held out a hand. The regret in his eyes the only warning that something more was coming. Something terrible.
Her blood turned to ice. She’d seen that look in his eyes before. “Sawyer—”
“I can’t do this anymore, Isadora. I can’t keep up with you—”
He’s just embarrassed. “Yes, you can—”
“ Stop and listen for once! Goddamn it!”
She jerked back. He never screamed at her like that.
He ran a hand through his hair and sat on the bed, seeming unusually winded. “We’ve been at this for years. I care for you very, very much, bella. But our time is done.”
If he tried to pull her heart through flesh and bone, it would have hurt less than hearing those words.
He was upset, not thinking clearly. Maybe he was even feeling a little vulnerable.
“Sawyer, don’t do this. There are other options.”
“We have to stop ignoring the truth. Look at us. Our families no longer get along, we have to hide—”
“We don’t have to hide anything .” This was their life. “I’ll tell them tonight if you want me to. I don’t care who knows.”
He shook his head. “Do you see the way people look at us when we’re out? I watch them have a mental debate, trying to decide if I’m your father or some old pervert. You’re thirty-six years old and you barely look twenty.”
Who cares what strangers think? “Don’t do this, Sawyer. We’ve tried being apart before. It doesn’t work.”
“Enough is enough, Isadora. Give me my pride and let what we’ve shared be enough. The longer this goes on—”
“You act as if you’re eighty! You’re fifty-six, Sawyer. Your age doesn’t bother me any more today than it did twelve years ago.”
“Stubborn,” he mumbled.
“Who cares what people see—”
“ I do!”
Her gaze jerked to the carpet. He would barely let her speak.
The anger in his tone was so unfamiliar. They were past the age issues. At least she was. Why wasn’t he?
“You care about strangers’ opinions more than you care about mine,” she murmured.
“No, but I care enough about you to know when it’s time to let you go. Ten years from now I’ll be approaching seventy. You’re wasting your life with me.”
“You’re rounding up and that’s not fair.”
“It’ll come eventually, regardless.”
Tears slid down her cheeks, but she didn’t have the strength to wipe her eyes. “Why are you pushing me away again? Why can’t you let me decide what’s right for me? I’ve told you over and over again this is where I want to be.”
“And I’ve never once told you this is where I want you.”
Sharp agony knifed through her heart as his words sliced into her with the precision of an execution ax. She gasped as her spine seemed to bend at the blunt shock. He could steal her entire in the span of a breath.
Her arms closed protectively around her ribs, but it was too late. He stabbed her right through the heart.
“Bella, I’ve always hoped you’d find something more.”
She gasped again, the impact of his words piercing her tender heart like sharp needles. “How can you say that after all this time?”
His gaze turned apologetic and his voice dropped low. “There’s no doubt I’ve been selfish. I’m human. But there comes a time when right is right. That time’s now. The pills… That’s just nature’s way of reminding us how unsuited we are for each other.”
“No.” She staggered away from the bed, searching for a place to hide before he hit her with one more hurtful word.
They’d just been going through a rough time. She’d been busy with school and he was stressed out with work. There was nothing wrong with them as a couple, nothing that couldn’t be fixed. “I’m not listening to this.”
“It’s not something I’m going to debate. I’m telling you, I’m done. ”
Something petulant unleashed inside of her, rejecting the sense that she had no control over the outcome. “No, Goddamn it! No!”
She couldn’t bear to hear another word. He was suddenly in front of her, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to settle.
“Listen to me, bella,” he said sternly, demanding her attention. Cupping the side of her face, he brushed away her tears. “This is right. I know it hurts, but I swear to you, I’d never put you through a moment’s pain if I didn’t truly believe I was protecting you from something worse. Please, try to understand that, my beautiful girl.”
She choked on a sob. Maybe if she gave him a few days he’d realize he was only repeating mistakes. They were miserable without each other.
“We’ve been down this road before.”
“This time’s different. Our relationship was never supposed to be permanent.”
A broken whimper burbled and she painfully swallowed it back. “Why can’t you just love me?”
His mouth formed a tight line as he silently blinked at her. Every passing second was an excruciating measure of the years she’d lost, loving him to no avail.
When it was clear he wouldn’t say the words, she shouldered him off of her. “You swore you wouldn’t do this. I stood right downstairs and you swore we’d talk through our problems, but you’re pushing me away again.”
“Some problems can’t be resolved with communication.”
Her head shook. There was no reasoning with him. Her hand opened over her heart in an attempt to subdue the pain. “I trusted you.”
“You can still trust me—”
She scoffed. “How?”
“Please don’t be angry.”
She swiped at her lashes. “Don’t tell me how to feel! Especially when I’ve never been able to control your feelings.”
“Isadora, I don’t want it to be like this. I’m not your enemy.”
“I don’t know how else to be!” she shouted. “It hurts, Sawyer—physically hurts to be pushed away by someone as emotionally handicapped as you. Chelsea’s dead. Do you understand that? Dead! ”
His face shuttered and she immediately regretted her hurtful words, but couldn’t apologize for telling him the truth. He loved a ghost more than he would ever love her.
She gave him her heart and he broke it more than once. No one else had ever hurt her the way he had. No one else could.
He was the enemy. His power to do her harm was too great and unpredictable for her to combat anymore.
She took a staggering step back. “I have to go.”
“Isa, please, try to understand that the last thing I want is to hurt you.”
Her tearful gaze lifted to his face and she looked at him, truly saw him. Flaws, imperfections, faded charm. She’d spent her entire life fearful she’d make some unforgivable mistake, but his cowardice made her look like the bravest woman in the world. He would always be afraid of what people might think, like she was some black mark on his soul, a stain he placed but couldn’t remove. He didn’t deserve her.
Her head shook, the finality of his character doing irreparable damage to hers. “I would have given everything for your love. But you’d rather have nothing.”
“Bella—”
“Don’t! No more, Sawyer.” With that, she forced herself to look away and put one foot in front of the other until she was out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Forgiveness will cut a whole in half, divide and reduce beauty. Be warned, in every instance of forgiveness, some resentment remains .”
~Lucian Patras
Perhaps she wasn’t listening, or maybe she figured no man could be that stupid. Three months had passed and she still assumed he’d change his mind, that after some time apart he’d come running back to her, proclaiming his love.
She was a fool.
They never ran into each other and her enormous, empty home, which she’d so blindly purchased, seemed drenched in loneliness. Just another miscalculation on her part,
another assumption that everything would work out if she played by the rules.
All she ever wanted was a simple, normal life. Someone to love who loved her back. She’d trade every luxury to her name if only she could know what that felt like—even if just for a day.
She needed to get away, escape everything, and possibly never come back.
One afternoon while having lunch with her sister-in-law, Evelyn surprised her by taking her hand. “Are you okay, Isa?”
Forcing a smile, Isadora lied, “Of course.”
Evelyn tipped her head to the side and gave an empathetic smile. “You know, when I first met you a few Christmases ago, I remember thinking you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in real life, but there was something so sad in your eyes. You’re always so cheerful and supportive of everyone else, but sometimes I worry we could be more supportive of you. If there’s anything you need, we’ll help you.”
What she needed didn’t exist.
She squeezed Evelyn’s hand and her smile turned genuine. “I know you would help me. We’re family. I’ve just been depressed lately. It’s probably just winter blues.” But it wasn’t the weather. “I’ve been thinking about getting away.”
“That’s a great idea. Let us help you make the plans. You can take the jet and go to Lucian’s island.”
“Oh, I don’t need all that. I was thinking more along the lines of a trip down the coast to a little bed and breakfast or something.”
Evelyn emphatically shook her head. “No, we’re pulling out all the stops. You worry about packing and your brother and I will take care of everything else. I insist!”
Her brother’s island wasn’t exactly what she needed, but it was a damn good substitute for reality. She lounged in the sun, worked on her tan, and gorged on novels. But after a few days she was ready to come home, the privacy of the island exploiting her loneliness to an insufferable degree.
It was a slow acceptance, but she had no other options. She was going to be alone and she needed to figure out how to live with that fact.
It was time to redefine her life again—something she had plenty of experience doing, but not with the optimism she once possessed. Still, she knew the process and forced herself to make all the right moves, believing that eventually the emptiness would get filled.
Sacrifice of the Pawn: Spin-Off of the Surrender Trilogy (Surrender Games Book 1) Page 25