Tyesha came up to her and asked, “Did you get any good presents for your birthday?”
Emma laughed. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had bought her a birthday present. “You know what? I’m old, so I don’t get presents anymore.”
The girl’s eyes widened. “Not even from your mom?”
“She made me my favorite dinner and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ with a cake.” That seemed to appease Tyesha, but it brought back too many memories of Sean. Keeping him from her mind might be more difficult than she’d thought.
* * *
After school, she held her phone in her hand and tried to figure out what to say to Sean. She wanted to reach out to him and explain her reaction. She wanted to send a text, but she knew that was a cowardly move. So she curled up on her couch and called.
“’Lo.” A deep voice answered, but it didn’t sound like Sean.
“Sean?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s Emma.”
“Whatta you want?” he slurred.
What the hell? He was drunk at three in the afternoon? “Are you drunk?”
“Yep. For days.”
“What about work?”
“Who cares?”
Emma was torn. She wanted to talk to him, try to fix things, but this kind of childish behavior was exactly what pissed her off. “I guess you don’t,” she said and then disconnected. Talking to him while he was like this was pointless. Hell, talking to him at all might be. For all his talk about wanting a chance with her, he had no intention of changing. And she couldn’t be with him like that.
She’d been clear she needed stability and security, not someone who would go on a bender because they’d had a fight. She shook her head and tossed her phone on the table. Curling under a blanket, she clicked on her TV. If she gave her brain something else to focus on, Sean wouldn’t be such a prominent feature in her thoughts.
As she scrolled through choices, she tried to convince herself to believe the lie.
* * *
“Fuck you,” Sean screamed into his phone. Then he threw it across the room. He was out of beer again and it pissed him off.
“See,” a voice said from the door.
He rolled over and the room spun. He saw people in the doorway, but had no idea who they were.
“I don’t know what else to do.”
“Why the hell did you buy him more beer?”
Crap. That was Jimmy’s voice, which meant the other one was Tommy.
“Go away,” he said, but the words didn’t come out quite right.
“If I didn’t go, he was going to. I figured this way, he was contained. But he’s getting worse.”
There was movement and mumbling, but Sean couldn’t muster up the energy to give a fuck. He rolled over the other way. When the overhead light flicked on, he pulled a pillow over his head.
“Let’s go, man.”
“Fuck off.”
Then Jimmy’s big hands were on him, hauling him off the bed. “You’re taking a shower whether you want to or not.”
“Already did.”
“Well, you reek, so you’re going in again. You taking your clothes off, or am I putting you in like this?”
He pushed at Jimmy’s chest, but his brother didn’t move. Sean tried to back away to land on the bed again, but Jimmy held tight. “Clothed it is.”
He dragged Sean into the bathroom. Before Sean had a chance to fight back, cold water sprayed all over him, shocking him awake.
“What the fuck?” he sputtered and tried to step out.
Jimmy blocked his path, not caring that the water was soaking him too. “What the fuck is right. What are you doing?”
“Get outta here, Jimmy.” He pushed at his brother’s chest, leaving wet handprints but causing no movement.
“Tommy told me you’ve been drunk for days.”
“So.”
“No woman is worth destroying your body and your life.”
Finally giving up, Sean reached down and peeled off the soaked shirt and shoved his pants down. Then he grabbed the sopping mess and dropped it at Jimmy’s feet. To his credit, Jimmy still didn’t move.
Sean tugged at the shower door for privacy. Jimmy took the hint and stepped back, allowing him to close the shower. Then Sean twisted the knob to heat the water. With his hands braced on the wall, he stood under the spray and willed Jimmy to leave. As usual, his wishes went unanswered when it came to his brothers. Jimmy’s silhouette still loomed behind the glass door while Sean soaped up.
“I’m up now. You can go.”
“We need to talk.”
“Nothin’ to say.”
“What about your job?”
“What about it?”
“Do you still have one?”
“I think so.” His boss hadn’t seemed too pissed when he’d called in sick. Yesterday, he’d left a message, but Sean didn’t think it would be too much of a problem. And if it was, so what?
He rinsed and turned off the water. When he opened the door, Jimmy was still in the bathroom, but at least he moved closer to the wall. He threw a towel at Sean. While drying off, Sean told him, “I’m gonna get a complex if my brothers don’t leave me alone in the bathroom.”
“It might do you some good.” Jimmy leaned against the doorjamb, arms crossed over his chest. “You wanna talk?”
Sean looked at his big brother. Jimmy was not a talk-it-out kind of guy. “What the hell did Moira do to my brother? There was a time you’d be right next to me drinking a beer.”
Jimmy shook his head. “Never like that. I’ve never stayed drunk for days. And never over some woman.”
“Yeah? What if Moira left you?”
He hadn’t meant to throw the comparison out there. He knew his relationship with Emma hadn’t gotten as serious as Jimmy and Moira’s.
“Shit. You actually fell in love with her.” Jimmy dropped his arms and stared at Sean.
“Hey,” Tommy called from behind Jimmy. His scrawny arm snaked around Jimmy, holding a cup of coffee. “Thought you could use this.”
Sean wrapped the towel on his hips and took the cup. “Thanks.”
Even when he was being an ass, his brothers would make sure he was okay.
“Sean . . .” Jimmy started, but then he just scrubbed a hand over his head. Frustrated Jimmy at his finest.
“I’m fine, Jimmy. No worries.” He pushed past both brothers and drank his coffee. When he got back to his room, he saw that Tommy had opened the window and a cold breeze blew in. The fresh air couldn’t mask the scent of stale alcohol though. He looked around the room at all the empties and realized he was as big a mess as the room.
Pulling on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, he took his cup and said, “I need food.” Without waiting for them to follow, he left Jimmy and Tommy in the basement staring at him. Once he got to the kitchen, he heard their footsteps. He rummaged through the refrigerator, and Tommy bumped him out of the way.
“I’ll make you something. Talk to Jimmy.”
Sean huffed. “There’s nothing to say to Jimmy.”
But Jimmy sat at the kitchen table and kicked a chair in his direction.
“She dumped me. What else is there to say?”
“Tommy told me about the bar fight. Have you tried calling her since then?”
Realizing he wasn’t going to escape this stupid conversation, he finally sat. “She called me earlier.”
“And?”
“I think she hung up on me. Can’t really remember.”
“If she called you, it’s a good sign,” Tommy said as he pulled out eggs and ham.
What the hell time was it anyway? The sky was dark outside, but that didn’t say much. “I don’t know why she called, but she’s done with me. She made that clear.”
Norah walked in. “Couldn’t help but overhear.”
“Yeah, right,” Sean mumbled. She’d probably been lurking in the hall to eavesdrop.
“Look, you might not want to listen to me, b
ut since I’m the only female present, it might be in your best interest to hear me out.”
Sean leaned back in his chair and opened his arms wide to get her to continue. His life was already in the crapper. Taking advice from his baby sister couldn’t make it much worse.
“Speaking as a woman, we do things in response to something, but it’s not necessarily what ticked us off.”
“Huh?” This was why Sean didn’t talk to his sister. She spoke in riddles.
“Remember when Dad would come home from work and get mad and throw your hockey skates across the room because you didn’t put them away?”
Tommy and Sean both laughed.
Sean pointed at Jimmy. Jimmy was guilty of doing the exact same thing. “Sound familiar?”
Norah bit her lip.
“Anyway,” she said, “he wasn’t that upset about the skates. He was taking his frustration out on you and the skates after having a bad day. He was mad about what happened at work.”
Sean sighed. “Your point?”
“What’s at the root of Emma’s anger? It wasn’t that you punched some guy in a bar.”
The sizzling of food on the stove filled the silence. He knew what had Emma upset. Even as he catalogued the list of things wrong with him, pieces of their earlier conversation came back to him.
“Well?”
“I’m irresponsible. I don’t hold a steady job. I’m an overgrown boy who uses my fists first. And I live in my dad’s basement.” He drained the coffee from his cup and held it up for Tommy to refill. He still wasn’t feeling normal, but this conversation needed far more caffeine than he’d consumed.
“So grow up,” Norah shot and left the room like she’d just given him all of life’s answers.
Tommy set a plate of ham and eggs in front of him with a fresh cup of coffee. Then he handed Jimmy a cup before leaving the room. With Jimmy staring at him, Sean felt like Tommy had abandoned him.
“What?” Sean asked with his first mouthful of food. He was starving. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a meal that wasn’t liquid.
“What are you going to do?”
“Eat this,” he said, waving his fork over the plate.
“About Emma.”
“Nothing to do. I can’t be what she wants.” He shoveled the food in faster, not quite chewing before swallowing. He knew when Jimmy got like this, he’d keep pushing and this conversation would take another ugly turn. He just hoped the food would stay down.
“What does she want that you can’t be?”
“You heard the list.”
“Like Norah said, that’s all part of growing up.”
Sean dropped his fork with a clank. “Forget it. I’m not going to start being you, Jimmy. It’d kill me.”
“Who said you have to be me?”
“My whole life, you’ve been stuck taking care of all of us. Even when we all grew up, you came back to take care of Dad. You think I want that kind of burden?” The food he’d eaten sat like a brick in his stomach.
The look on Jimmy’s face was one he’d never seen, so he couldn’t predict if he should run and hide or put his hands up in defense. What he hadn’t expected was for Jimmy to hang his head.
“I never looked at you guys as a burden.” His eyes rose and met Sean’s, and he said more forcefully, “Never.”
“But we were. You finally got away from here and now you’re tying yourself down to Moira. I like her and all, but it’s another burden. You can’t tell me you don’t get tired of it.” Sean pushed his plate away.
“Being with Moira isn’t a burden. Crap. How did I fuck you up so bad? How can you not know that when you love someone, it’s not a hardship?”
Sean snorted.
“Falling in love with Moira—being in love with her—isn’t always easy. But having her in my life means I have someone at my side to help. Someone has my back all the time. That’s not a burden. It’s a relief.” Jimmy stood and poured out the coffee he hadn’t bothered to drink. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“No more booze.”
Sean nodded. He let Jimmy’s words sink in. He still didn’t know if he understood what Jimmy meant, but even an idiot like him could recognize that he was happier when he had Emma. She made him want to grow up, and that was pretty fucking scary.
* * *
Two days later, Emma went to her mom’s work for a visit. She didn’t know what made her decide to go there, but she needed to see a friendly face, someone who knew the real her. The her she kept hidden from everyone. Except Sean. The parts of her she felt she needed to change or fix because she was embarrassed about them. Her family never cared about those parts, and neither did Sean.
She didn’t always see eye to eye with her mom or agree with how her mom lived, but nothing could erase the fact that she was Emma’s mom.
Huddled in her battered leather jacket, one that she’d worn for years but retired when she started teaching, she walked into the dimly lit bar. Through the cloud of cigarette smoke, she looked for Brandi. The bar didn’t get too busy mid-week, so Brandi worked behind the bar as well as waiting on tables.
Emma sat on a stool at the bar and waited. Behind her, her mom’s throaty laugh cracked through the room. Emma wrinkled her nose. This place had been her adolescence. Not this exact bar, but ones like it. From job to job and man to man, Brandi had floated, but she always landed in a similar position. Was it wrong for Emma to want more?
“What’ll you have?” Brandi asked before realizing it was Emma sitting in front of her. “Hey, babe, what the hell are you doin’ here?”
Emma lifted a shoulder. “I wanted to visit.”
“Visit, huh?” Brandi asked, not buying a word of it. She pulled a beer for Emma and slid it in front of her.
Emma didn’t really want to drink, but she knew better than to refuse. She took a sip while Brandi made her way down the bar, making sure everyone had what they needed, before coming back to stand by Emma.
“So what’s going on?” Brandi asked, leaning heavily on the edge of the bar.
“I broke up with Sean, and I don’t know if it was the right move.”
Brandi laughed and said, “You’re asking me for man advice? You must be desperate.”
“I know we don’t always get along, but, Mom, you have to admit that you’ve made some mistakes along the way.”
“Of course. I’ve lived life. Using me as a gauge for what not to do? You can’t always play it safe, Emma.”
“Not always, but sometimes you should, don’t you think?” She took a sip of the beer her mom had given her.
“Why’d you break up with Sean?”
“He got into a bar fight in front of my colleagues.”
“And?”
“I was embarrassed. I exploded all over him outside the bar, calling him on all kinds of bullshit. And when I called him to talk about it later, he was drunk. Again. Monday afternoon.”
Brandi shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re getting at. So he tied one on. The girl he likes kicked him to the curb. Most men drown their sorrows one way or another. What’s really the problem?”
Emma sighed. If she had this conversation with Barb, Barb wouldn’t get it. Even if Brandi liked living the way she did, she understood Emma’s need to do things differently. “I like him. A lot. But we started as a little weekend fling because he’s not a settling-down kind of guy. Things started to change, and he said he wanted a real chance for us as a couple.”
Brandi opened her mouth and then closed it again with a nod.
“The thing is, just because he says he wants a chance doesn’t mean he’s ready for a relationship, you know? He doesn’t care if he’s too drunk to go to work and he gets fired. He lives in his dad’s basement so he doesn’t have to worry about paying rent. He thought nothing of brawling with a drunk guy because the guy grabbed my ass. We were out with my coworkers for my birthday. He didn’t think about the effect
that would have.” Emma took a long drink of beer. “I don’t think he wants to be an adult.”
Brandi wiped down the top of the bar and Emma waited. She knew when her mom was trying to choose her words carefully, even though she rarely succeeded.
She dropped the rag under the counter. “Just because he doesn’t live the way you have pictured in your head doesn’t mean he’s not grown-up. His version of grown-up might be different than yours and different isn’t bad.” Brandi reached across the bar and put a hand on Emma’s arm. “You were drawn to him for a reason.”
“You’ve seen him,” Emma said with a grin.
“Nice try, sweetie. While he has a hot ass, that’s not why you like him. If that’s all he was, he wouldn’t have gotten past being a little fling.” She shook her head and tapped Emma’s arm. “I know you hate the way I raised you.”
Emma opened her mouth to argue, but Brandi cut her off with a raised hand.
“I get it. I give you a hard time, but I get it. My life isn’t for everyone. For a while, it was enough for you.” She offered a weak smile.
Emma shook her head. “I know you did what you could, but it wasn’t enough. It was enough that you loved me. Always. I never doubted that. But not being sure if I was going to have a place to sleep or if the electric would be turned off or any number of other things was scary. I don’t ever want to go back there.”
“Is there something about Sean that tells you that might happen with him?”
“I already gave you a list of reasons.”
“No, you gave me a list of excuses explaining how he’s different from you.”
Okay, so her mom had a point. “You’re supposed to make me feel better, like I made the right choice.”
“I have no fuckin’ clue if you made the right choice. We all know my taste in men sucks.”
Emma laughed with her mom, and it felt good. Brandi stepped away to check on her customers, some of whom had listened to their conversation with more interest than Emma liked. She sipped at her beer while she waited for her mom to come back.
When she returned, she said, “You need to figure out if Sean’s the kind of guy who fits your life. I’m not talking about your other half or some guy completing you. That’s all bullshit. Does he give your life balance that you don’t have without him?”
In Your Arms Page 22