by Jillian Neal
She also refused to put her yoga pants back on. Never having been a fan of her pudgy thighs, she tried to ignore the visible dimples that came from tasting far too much of the food she loved to prepare. Grant couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of her legs and if she had to continually tempt him to get him to give in and give her what they both wanted, so be it.
He was definitely stubborn, but she suspected there was some other reason he kept stopping himself, and whatever that reason proved to be she wanted to incinerate it quickly.
A wave of warm air spilled into the house from the height of the flames. He toed out of his boots and carried the cast-iron pot of soup to the fire. He set it on the hearth and then added the foil wrapped cornbread nearby.
“So, how do we shower if you don’t have any water? Or is that what Holly was filling all of those buckets for?” Checking off his things that had to be done before they could have sex was her singular goal.
“Nah, that ain’t good for bathing unless you want to boil it and then let it cool, and that’ll take too damn long. When we were kids we used to tell Mama we’d bathed when all we’d really done was dunk each other in the stock tank.”
Kaitlyn grinned. “I don’t know what a stock tank is, but it sounds like you shouldn’t bathe in them.”
“Big huge basins out near the pens we fill up for the horses to drink out of, and the cows if the lakes are frozen over, so the water’s probably not real clean. Didn’t matter to me so much when I was eight, but you sure as hell don’t want to crawl in bed with me ‘fore I bathe now.”
“I’d crawl in bed with you no matter what you do, Grant Camden. I just can’t quite figure out how to convince you of that.”
“You’re either crazy or your city-girl side’s showin’.”
“You’re either being stubborn or you’re scared.”
“I’m covered in cowshit, sweetness.”
“Or you’re full of it.”
“I ain’t scared. What the hell would I be scared of anyway?” Oh, she’d struck a chord.
“What you said. That this means something. I don’t think I’m the only one who’s a little afraid of it all and how fast it’s happening.”
“That ain’t it … exactly,” he admitted, proving his vow that he wouldn’t lie to her. Unable to resist his magnetism, she edged closer to him.
“Then what is it exactly?”
“There’s more to it than you know.” Stirring the pot of soup, he refused to look her in the eye.
She seated herself beside him on the stone hearth. “Look at me, please.”
His cool green eyes lifted to hers. She took his hands, needing his strength, needing his bravery, because she could locate precious little of her own.
“My brother was killed in Afghanistan. He was in the Army, just like my dad. All they really told us was that it was a road-side bomb, and he was trying to save some kind of make-shift orphanage that had been set up near their base.”
“Baby, I’m so …” he started to apologize but she shook her head.
“There’s more. Just please, let me tell you everything. I want you to know. It’s not like how it is in the movies exactly. You know, where you see this black car pull up and some old guy in his dress uniform comes to your door to tell you that your brother won’t be coming home. And then they hand you this folded up flag thing, and that’s supposed to make it worth it somehow. It does happen that way, but you just sit there and you can’t process it and they try to help you, but no one can help you.
“It changes your whole life. I was in New York so no one came to see me. I’ve spent the last three years wondering what would have happened if I’d just never picked up the phone. That’s the worst part, I think. When they’re killed overseas you’d already kind of gotten used to them not being around. It’s so surreal. Sometimes, if I try, I can pretend that he’s just still over there fighting. That one day he’s going to walk back through my parent’s front door and be perfect just like he always was.”
Grant dropped the spoon in the pot of soup and stood. Before Kaitlyn knew what he was doing, he’d lifted her gently into his arms, seated them on his sofa, and cradled her in his lap. “Keep talking, sweetheart. I’ve gotcha.”
“You have to understand how Keith was. Like I keep saying, everything he did was perfect. My parents couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that he was gone. They’d built their entire life around him. His achievements were everything to them. Everything was about him following in my dad’s footsteps, training in the Army and then becoming a cop. I quit culinary school and came back home to try and help them. My mother didn’t speak for three months. My dad just worked all the time. He still does. Everything is broken. I tried so hard to fix it, to be the things Keith had always been, but I can’t. That’s the whole reason I was with Seth in the first place. My father thinks he’s great. He set us up. That’s why he’s so mad I ran away.”
“And that’s this whole business with New-Kaitlyn and Old-Kaitlyn. You figure you changed who you were for your parents when Keith died”
“I did change. Keith always got perfect grades and did exactly what Daddy told him to do. That’s why he went into the Army to start with. Dad always wanted me to go to law school. I never wanted anything to do with it. I’d wanted to be a chef since I was a little girl, but I signed on for a pre-law degree at UN. I hated every moment of it but it made my parents happy so I just did it.
“Keith was so serious about everything, and I always had my head in the clouds so I made myself be more serious all the time. He was analytical. I was more creative, especially with food. Now, I only cook dinners for my parents that I know they like and they only like things that remind them of the way our lives worked before Keith died. Nothing new. Never anything new. Life stopped moving forward the day we found out he wasn’t coming home.
“Before that, I was so sick of being treated like a baby my whole life, when I got to New York I was determined to figure out who I was without my parent’s input. I never got into too much trouble, but Keith never did anything wrong. He never drank too much, never partied too hard, he even dated this one girl that my parents adored because she was just as driven as him for most of his life. When I got back here, I’d already given up that whole self-discovery thing. Running away from that ridiculous ceremony yesterday is the first thing I’ve done in three years that actually made me happy. It’s the first thing in a long, long time that felt like me. And walking into your grandfather’s living room last night, kissing you, and climbing up on you is the second.” Every word she spoke eased the noose of tension from around her neck. Why hadn’t she told him sooner? The weight she’d carried for so long somehow eased its strain.
“Trust me, sugar, you doing that made me damned happy, too. Most everything about you makes me happier than a pig in mud.”
“Grant, I haven’t ever told anyone else how Keith died. I mean, most people know, if they know my family. It was in the papers, and on TV, and everything because of my father’s job, but I don’t talk about it because it hurts more when I say it out loud, or it used to. We never say anything about it at home because everyone is afraid of what my mom might do. But I told you, and for some reason I feel a little better. So, please tell me why you’re scared. It might help.”
“Scared ain’t exactly the right word.”
“Then what is the right word?”
“I don’t know. I told you I’m not a scholar. I’m just a rancher.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a rancher. I don’t want a scholar. I just want you.”
Well, hell. Grant had no comeback for that. He could keep feeding himself the line of bullshit that he wasn’t afraid, but the rubber had just met the road. He wasn’t so much afraid to say the words to her. He just had no idea how she might respond. She said she wanted him, and if it was in his power to give her anything in the world she wanted he’d do it.
“Did you think it was a little odd that my w
hole family treated you like you’re here to stay, like we’re already a permanent fixture or something?”
“Kind of, but when you haven’t felt welcome anywhere except the little diner where you work the breakfast and lunch shifts you just appreciate acceptance anywhere you can find it. Your family is great. Everyone was so nice.”
“Yeah, well we have our moments, trust me.”
“You said in your truck that if I told you about Keith you’d tell me about how the Camdens work. I sense that’s where you’re going.”
“Yeah, but I’d be much obliged if you’d give me another minute or two to be a complete coward, if you’re willing.”
That elicited another one of those adorable giggles.
“How’d you get to be so damn brave anyway?” It was a question he honestly wanted the answer to, but he was still stalling and she knew it.
“Just tell me what you Camdens do that you think is so odd.”
“For generations—I’m talking longer than this land where we’re sitting has been Camden land, and that’s been a long damn time—when a Camden sees the person they’re supposed to be with they know, somehow. It was like that with my parents, and my grandparents, and my great-grandparents. Both of my brothers, and even Holly with Dec. It’s apparently … the way we’re wired or something. I know that sounds nuts, but that’s why everyone figures you’re here to stay.”
She shifted against him and he caught himself holding on to her tighter, afraid she was about to take to her feet and run. “When you say ‘be with,’ what does that mean exactly?”
“Be with for a long, long time, kinda.” The word forever would not breach his lips if he had any say in the matter.
“And that’s why you haven’t slept with me yet? Because you think this is for a long, long time?” The fervency in her questioning eyes robbed him of breath. “You swore you’d never lie to me.”
“Yeah, maybe. I just need to do right by you, Katy. I need to do this right even if I’m the Camden that’s not gonna get a long, long time.”
“Why wouldn’t you get that?”
He shrugged, refusing to give credence to the fact that he wouldn’t get forever if she decided she just wanted him for a getaway ride and a rebound fuck or two. He had no say. It was all up to her.
“Because of me? You think it’s all up to me?” She sounded astonished, and how the hell was she already reading his mind?
“I never said that.”
“You didn’t have to. Nothing has ever been entirely up to me in my whole life. I don’t even know what to do with that, but Grant, I’ve spent the last three years being what someone else wanted me to be. And I spent every year before that battling my parents for control of my own life. I’m still not over my brother. I’ll eventually have to deal with Seth, and my dad, and everything. At this point, I’m not entirely sure I would even recognize myself in a lineup. We met by a total accident, literally. I don’t know anything about ranching, and I have no idea what’s waiting on me back in Lincoln. I really just need to take life moment by moment for a while. Is that okay with you?”
“Do I get to be in those moments with you?” He barely recognized his own voice strangled with fear.
“Yes.”
“As something more than a casual fuck?”
“Definitely. As crazy as it is to think that your family’s stories are true, and that you think I’m the one, I’m pretty excited to see if that’s true.”
“Then yeah, I guess that’s okay with me.” He’d just make for fucking sure every moment they spent together made her want to spend more time in his presence. He’d pull out every stop if she was the prize. And most importantly he’d help her figure out exactly who she was. He just prayed the girl she’d been was also the woman who wanted him.
Chapter Seventeen
“Your kitchen is really nice.”
Grant was pleased she seemed taken with his house now that she could see the main living areas in the glow of the roaring fire. Maybe the ranch wouldn’t be as hard a sell as he’d worried it might be. He watched her delicate neck contract as she swallowed down another bite of soup-drenched cornbread.
“This is so good.” When her eyes closed and a contented moan sounded from her, another round of desperate anticipation crashed through him. He ordered himself to be patient. God knew she was more than worth the wait.
“This was Mama and Daddy’s house back in the day. When Mama got pregnant with Natalie they were worried if they put Austin in the room with me and Luke, we’d tear that half of the house from the foundation. There’s only three bedrooms. Gran was more than ready not to have the big house to take care of, so they moved into what’s Holly and Dec’s house now. Mama and Daddy moved up to the farm house since it has eight bedrooms, and left this one empty. But you heard Pops talking about how Mama likes to cook. Dad redid the kitchen for her when we were little. Probably needs to be updated now, but if I eat here, I just pop a Hungry Man in the microwave.”
“It doesn’t need much updating. Trust me, eight-burner double Viking ranges never go out of style, and I can’t believe you eat microwave meals if your mom makes suppers like these.”
“I eat up there a fair amount, but sometimes I need a break from the house full of kids and all of my siblings.”
“I can see that, I guess. I’m usually so lonely when I’m home with my parents I think I’d give my right arm to have a house full of people just for the company. Plus, your nieces and nephews are adorable.”
“They’re cute and I love ‘em more than ‘bout anything else, but my brothers seem hell-bent on seeing which one can repopulate Western Nebraska with Camdens the fastest. Austin was pissed Luke got two in on one go. Mark my words, Summer’ll turn up pregnant any day now.”
“You ever plan on getting in on that game?” Her question rang with a note of hopefulness. Her blue eyes turned navy in the firelight. She gnawed on her bottom lip like she was bracing herself for something. Disappointment, if Grant had to guess. So, she wanted kids, did she?
He smiled to himself. “Hell yeah, peaches, but since I didn’t have anyone ready and willing, I let their harassing each other annoy the shit out of me. Not like I could cowboy up and either beat ‘em or join ‘em so I just let it piss me off.”
Her grin was brighter than the fire. It lit a low flame in his gut. Warmth spread throughout him as she rubbed her hand along his thigh. Come hell or high water, he was going to make this work.
“I know I probably say this too much, but I really love how honest you are with me. It means more than you’ll ever know.”
Lifting her hand off of his leg, he brushed a kiss along her knuckles. Clichéd? Hell yeah. Something he’d done with other women? Hell no. But this was all kinds of different. “Do something for me, sugar.”
“What?” She grinned at his gesture.
“Stop second-guessing everything you do. You don’t say anything too much ‘cept maybe claiming you’re no good at things, which is total bullshit. Having a man be honest with you is what you deserve. And I already told ya I’m gonna show you how a country boy treats a lady.”
“You also promised to do some less-than-gentlemanly things to me, cowboy, so which is it? I told you I’m not looking for you to be polite and gentle with me.”
“You keep thinkin’ ranchers are gents, darlin’, and that just ain’t the truth. No reason you can’t be my sweet princess when we’re out and about and my naughty little vixen when you’re in my bed. Same way I’ll always treat you right, but that includes indulging your dirtiest fantasies along with several of mine. I swear to you there’s nothing sexier than a good girl who knows how to misbehave.”
Still not moving fast enough for her liking, Kaitlyn watched as Grant grabbed a bar of Lava soap from the master bathroom and stalked back to the kitchen.
“What are you doing?”
“Going to bathe.” He peeled off the dirty Carhartt shirt he’d been wearing since the day before and flung it into the laundry roo
m. She paused for a moment to drink in the firm muscles of his chest and biceps and the perfect disks of his nipples.
“I thought the water wasn’t running?”
“It ain’t.”
“Then how are you going to bathe?” Wrinkling her nose, she sank her teeth into her tongue to keep from reminding him that she was very much a city-girl who was disgusted to think that he was going to bathe in one of those stock tanks he’d talked about.
“We got lakes all over this ranch, peaches. It’ll be cold, but it’s better than nothing.”
“So, you’re going to skinny-dip?” Hopeful anticipation sizzled under her skin.
“You sound mighty intrigued with that idea.”
“I’m filthy, too. Just how cold are we talking?”
“Baby, you ain’t even begun to get filthy yet, and too cold for me to let you join me right now. There’s a shallow creek a few miles from here that’ll warm up quick if we get some sun. If you want me to pop your skinny-dippin’ cherry, I’ll take you up there.”
“What makes you so sure I haven’t ever skinny-dipped?” Probably the fact that her cheeks were glowing pink once again. She fought the urge to hide her face in her hands. Truthfully, she couldn’t even doggie-paddle. Her mother had been convinced swimming would further damage her hearing and she’d never been allowed to do it.
In two long strides, his long legs ate up the distance between them. His right hand cradled her face. His thumb stroked her cheekbone. “Because, baby doll, you are all kinds of sweet and innocent. That’s another reason I’m gonna make damn sure I do right by you. I know I’m about to take all of that away from you. I’m about to make it all mine.”
“I’m not all that innocent,” she protested, but his index finger landed lightly on her lips.